From: William F. Jolitz Date: Fri, 8 Sep 1989 18:15:20 +0000 (-0800) Subject: 386BSD 0.1 development X-Git-Tag: 386BSD-0.1~2665 X-Git-Url: https://git.subgeniuskitty.com/unix-history/.git/commitdiff_plain/3a469df0c8b5f0f8104009f7840c4e3966abd2c1?hp=3f3390e623b3348b487466ce50849abe0421fe48 386BSD 0.1 development Work on file usr/othersrc/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real Co-Authored-By: Lynne Greer Jolitz Synthesized-from: 386BSD-0.1 --- diff --git a/usr/othersrc/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real b/usr/othersrc/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real new file mode 100644 index 0000000000..967766bf27 --- /dev/null +++ b/usr/othersrc/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real @@ -0,0 +1,2018 @@ +71: + 69 with two fingers up your ass. + -- George Carlin +% +A bather whose clothing was strewed +By breezes that left her quite nude, + Saw a man come along + And, unless I'm quite wrong, +You expected this line to be lewd. +% +A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? +I am not I, I'm a tree." + But another, more sane, + Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" +And covered his pants leg with pee. +% +A bureaucracy is like a septic tank -- all the really big shits float +to the top. +% +A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on +Saturday and is going to do on Monday. + -- Thomas Ybarra +% +A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for +the first time. + -- Alfred E. Wiggam +% +A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never +learned to walk. + -- Franklin D. Roosevelt +% +A friend with weed is a friend indeed. +% +A hard man is good to find. +% +A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy. +% +A mathematician named Hall +Has a hexahedronical ball, + And the cube of its weight + Times his pecker's, plus eight +Is his phone number -- give him a call.. +% +"A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a +good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious +scruples and the police." + -- Mr. Dooley +% +A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately +wrong with a high sense of consistency. + -- J. K. Galbraith +% +A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms. + -- Phyllis Schlafly +% +A nymph hits you and steals your virginity. +% +A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely +called a liberal. +% +A pretty young lady named Vogel +Once sat herself down on a molehill. + A curious mole + Nosed into her hole -- +Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. +% +A pretty young maiden from France +Decided she'd "just take a chance." + She let herself go + For an hour or so +And now all her sisters are aunts. +% +A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is +having fun. +% +A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep +up with yesterday. +% +A remarkable race are the Persians; +They have such peculiar diversions. + They make love the whole day + In the usual way +And save up the nights for perversions. +% +A team playing baseball in Dallas +Called the umpire blind out of malice. + While this worthy had fits + The team made eight hits +And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. +% +A wanton young lady from Wimley +Reproached for not acting quite primly + Said, "Heavens above! + I know sex isn't love, +But it's such an entrancing facsimile." +% +A widow who fancied a man some +Was diddled three times in a hansome. + When she clamored for more + Her young man became sore +And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson." +% +"A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her +drawers." + -- Blind Lemon Pledge +% +A worried young man from Stamboul +Founds lots of red spots on his tool. + Said the doctor, a cynic, + "Get out of my clinic; +Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!" +% +A.I. hackers do it with robots. +% +Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder. +% +"Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western +religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of +Western science." + -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters" +% +Achilles' Biological Findings: + (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he + looks like a neighbor, that's environment. + (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first + -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the + rooster. +% +Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget + cuts. +Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves. +Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion. +Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves. +% +All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm +place to shift. +% +All the waters of the earth are in the armpit of the Great Frog. + -- R. Crumb +% +All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat, + All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot; +Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings, + He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings. +All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small, + All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all. +Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid. + Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks? He did. +All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small. + Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all. + -- Monty Python's Flying Circus +% +America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it +wags its tail, it knocks over a chair. + -- Arnold Joseph Toynbee +% +An architect fellow named Yoric +Could, when feeling euphoric, + Display for selection + Three kinds of erection -- +Corinthian, ionic, and doric. +% +An Army travels on her stomach. +% +An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: if gets laid once; it gets +eaten once. It also has to come in a box with 11 others, and the only +person who will sit on its face is its mother. +% +"And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest +unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine +bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits, +provideth that they are nice and fresh.'" + -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion" +% + And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" + They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the +ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our +very selfhood revealed." + And Jesus replied, "What?" +% +... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half, +and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps ... +% +Anxiety, n.: + The first time you can't do it a second time. + +Panic, n.: + The second time you can't do it the first time. +% +"Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator." + -- Claude Shouse + +"Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist." + -- Joseph C. Wang +% +"Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons +released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and +enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources." + -- Ronald Reagan +% +Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was +popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red- +blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from +back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city- +slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, +"Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job." The Texas gentleman looked +appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the +spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah +honor!" Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, +hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!" +% +Baltimore, n.: + Where the women wear turtleneck sweaters to hide their flea +collars. +% +Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal). +% +"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think +Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? + + (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. + (2) Advising the President. + (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin." + -- David Letterman +% +Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed. +Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed. +Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice, +Unless you get a good percentage of her price ... + -- Tom Lehrer +% +Behold the unborn fetus and + Weep salt tears crocodilian; +All life is sacred (save, of course, + An enemy civilian). +% +Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on +gin. + -- Ralph Nader +% +Beneath this stone a virgin lies, +For her life held no terrors. +A virgin born, a virgin died: +No hits, no runs, no errors. +% +Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all +evil. +% +Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth. +% +Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question. +% +Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, +Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was +the new bait. The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; +nobody cares much about cheese, except mice. But when American +Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in +the country was hopelessly trapped. + -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" +% +... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot +be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin to the +benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The latter +is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing with +him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch +of knuckles. + -- Harlan Ellison +% +"California is proud to be the home of the freeway." + -- Ronald Reagan +% +"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your penis?" + +"Uh, not right now." + +"Tsk. A girl has to have some standards." + -- "Real Genius" +% +Captain Hook died of jock itch. +% +Champagne don't make me lazy. +Cocaine don't drive me crazy. +Ain't nobody's business but my own. + -- Taj Mahal +% +Chaste makes waste. +% +Chipmunks roasting on an open fire +Jack Frost ripping up your nose +Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire +And folks dressed up like buffaloes +Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow +Helps to make the season right +Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out +Will find it hard to see tonight +They know that Santa's on his way +He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh +And every mother's child is sure to spy +To see if reindeer really scream when they die +And so I'm offering this simple phrase +To kids from one to ninety two +Although it's been said many times, many ways +Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!! +% +Christian, n.: + One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired +book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who +follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent +with a life of sin. +% +Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found +difficult and not tried. + -- G. K. Chesterton +% +Clarke's Third Law: + Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from +magic. + +G's Third Law: + In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe +is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit. + +H's Dictum: + There is no magic ... +% +Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to +fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the +contrary. + -- Tom Robbins +% +CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range) + +Oh, give me a clone +Of my own flesh and bone + With the Y chromosome changed to X. +And when she is grown, +My very own clone, + We'll be of the opposite sex. + +Chorus: + Clone, clone of my own, + With the Y chromosome changed to X. + And when we're alone, + Since her mind is my own, + She'll be thinking of nothing but sex. + -- Randall Garrett +% +Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money. +% +Coito ergo sum +% +College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months +later you wish you'd never come. +% +Communists do it without class. +% +Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears. +% +Conservative, n.: + One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead. + -- Leo C. Rosten +% +Conserve energy -- make love more slowly. +% +Cunnilingus is next to godliness. +% +Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you? _____FIRST you rape, ____THEN you +pillage!! +% +Dear Lord, observe this bended knee +This visage meek and humble, +And hear this confidential plea +Voiced in reverent mumble: + Give me Shylock, give me Fagin + But O God spare me Ronald Reagan! + -- Ansel Adams +% +"Dear Mr. Seldes: I cannot remember the exact wording of the statement +to which you allude; but what I meant was that ... a man who calls +himself a 100% American and is proud of it, is generally 150% an idiot +politically. But the designations may be good business for war +veterans. Having bled for their country in 1861 and 1918, they have +bled it all they could consequently. And why not?" + -- George Seldes, "The Great Quotations" +% +Democracy can learn some things from Communism: for example, when a +Communist politician is through, he is through. +% +Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for +the people. + -- Oscar Wilde +% +Did you hear about the new German microwave oven? + + ... Seats 500. +% +Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis" +% +Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.? +% +[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are +two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: + +(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and + confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold + a press conference where you announce that they have a street value + of $850 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools, + including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana + cigarettes in the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker + factory puts them there. +(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you + announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a + piece of human sleaze. This also never fails, because you always + get a conviction. A juror at a pornography trial is not about to + state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie + where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a + fire extinguisher. He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and + vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong + impression. + -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" +% +Do something big -- fuck a giant +% +"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist. +"Who else?" answered the patient. +% +Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning. +% +"Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash." + -- Bo Diddley +% +Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get +you through times of no dope. + -- Gilbert Shelton +% +Draft beer, not people +% +Eat the rich -- the poor are tough and stringy. +% +Eisenhower was very nice, +Nixon was his only vice. + -- C. Degen +% +Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man: + (1) Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to + sleep in the wet spot. + (2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find + themselves. + (3) You won't find out later that your cucumber (a) is + married, (b) is on penicillin, (c) likes you -- but loves + your brother! + (4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is. + (5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are + wet. + (6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a + boy". + (7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count. + (8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun. + (9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the + pillow. + (10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do. + (11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you + left it. +% +Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant +professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a +male schlemiel. + -- Ewald Nyquist +% +Evangelists do it with Him watching. +% +"Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling +just a bit unchivalrous ..." + -- Robert Benchley +% +Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of +women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their +handbags are full. + -- Earl Wilson +% +Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful, +licentious, dirty bum!! +% +Floppy now, hard later. +% +For those of you how have been looking for evidence that a working +version of "Star Wars" can be built, consider the following proof +offered by Caspar Weinberger: + + "If such a system is so unattainable, why have the Soviets been + working desperately to get it for over 17 years?" + + -- USA Today, 24 June 1986 +% +Fornication, n.: + Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with. +% +Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25: + +Q: You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you, + and you didn't scream? +A: No ma'am. +Q: Does that mean you consented? +A: No, ma'am. That means I was unconscious. +% +George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but +he also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't +punish him? Because George still had the axe in his hand. +% +Getting an education at the University of California is like having +$50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time. +% +"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." + -- Mark Twain +% + "God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no +matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly +pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent +merriment. + "Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone +agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and +lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects, +though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along +innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they +were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one." + -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" +% +God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends. +% +God is an atheist. +% +GOD is applied POWER + which is applied GOVERNMENT + which is applied POLITICS + which is applied ADVERTISING + which is applied SOCIOLOGY + which is applied PSYCHOLOGY + which is applied BIOLOGY + which is applied CHEMISTRY + which is applied PHYSICS + which is applied MATH + which is applied PHILOSOPHY + which is applied BULLSHIT +% +"God is as real as I am," the old man said. My faith was restored, for +I new that Santa would never lie. +% +"God is big, so don't fuck with him." +% +God isn't dead -- he's been busted +% +God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft. +% +God must love assholes -- She made so many of them. +% +God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on +where to go. + "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter. + "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God. + "Well, how about Mercury?" + "No, it's too hot there." + "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?" + "No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was +there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're +still talking about it." +% +Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend. +% +Grain grows best in shit + -- Ursula K. LeGuin +% +Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker. +% +Great Lover, n.: + A man who can breathe through his ears. +% +Hackers do it with all sorts of characters. +% +Hackers do it with bugs. +% +Hackers do it with fewer instructions. +% +Hackers know all the right MOVs. +% +Haggis, n.: + Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and +considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human +consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or +other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled +in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute ... +% +Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is +to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal +difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the +former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) +facts. The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the +historian uses his to enrich the past. Both are usually up to their +ankles in bullshit. + -- Tom Robbins +% +Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used +for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such +attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous +as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the +Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God +finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve. + -- R. E. Masters +% +"He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control." +% +He hated to mend, so young Ned +Called in a cute neighbor instead. + Her husband said, "Vi, + When you stitched up his torn fly, +Did you have to bite off the thread?" +% +He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they +_H_A_D to make him President of the United States. It's the only job he's +qualified for! + -- Michael Cain +% +He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink +damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun. +% +He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own +hands. +% +"He's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot won't squawk! He's +ceased to be! He's expired, and gone to meet his maker! It's a +stiff! No breath of life, he may rest in peace! If you hadn't nailed +him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's off the twig! +He's kicked the bucket! He's curled up his tooties! He's shuffled off +this mortal world! He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n +Choir Invincible! HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT! Vis-a-vi his metabolic +processes is head is lost. All statements concerning this parrot is no +longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative... + + THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!! +% +Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest +in a yak. + -- Woody Allen +% +Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her. +% +Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with +the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul +Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't define +pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the +court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to +Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't +it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when +his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an +enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a +ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except +that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about +it because the court was going to take a nap. + -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" +% +"Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther +King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed: + + * Governmental offices + * Post offices + * Libraries + * Schools + * Banks + * Parts of Palm Beach + +and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina." + -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live" +% +History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion -- +i.e., none to speak of. + -- Lazarus Long +% +"How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the +government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was +gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. We'll be +lucky to escape with our skins!" +% +Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole + -- John Valby +% +Hugh Hefner is a virgin. +% +I am an atheist, thank God! +% +I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it +once was ... an arctic wilderness + -- Steve Martin +% +I came; I saw; I fucked up +% +I have a funny daddy +Who goes in and out with me +And everything that baby does +Daddy's sure to see, +And everything that baby says, +My daddy's sure to tell. +You _m_u_s_t have read my daddy's verse. +I hope he fries in Hell. + -- Ogden Nash +% +I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me. +% +I once met a lassie named Ruth +In a long distance telephone booth. + Now I know the perfection + Of an ideal connection +Even if somewhat uncouth. +% +"I own my own body, but I share" +% +I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as +Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet +trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to +go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports +that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it. + -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" +% +I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of +oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate +commerce. + -- J. Edgar Hoover +% +I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass. + -- Barry Goldwater +% +I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else +that has ever happened, and vice versa. + -- Frank Zappa +% +I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about feces. What a lot we +had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized +dung of long-vanished animals. A miraculous thing, really; a recovery +from the past from what was carelessly rejected. And in the Middle +Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were +with the feces of animals. And what a variety of names they had for +them: the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of +an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets +of a Deer. Surely there might be some words for the material so near +to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit? +What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a +Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian, +the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties +of an Untenured Professor? + -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels" +% +I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is +going to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out +your mind. In general this drug will make you just like your mother +and father. + -- Frank Zappa +% +I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay dead that +scares the shit out of me. + -- R. Geis +% +I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on +now. +% +I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say +"I've just had a good war." + -- Mae West +% +I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, +it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French +government -- I'd give it all up for one erection. + -- Groucho Marx +% +"I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to +watch him have another." +% +If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair. If this doesn't +work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child. +% +If all these sweet young things were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be a +bit surprised. + -- Dorothy Parker +% +"If anyone wants to trade a couple of centrally located, well-cushioned +showgirls for an eroded slope 90 minutes from Broadway, I'll be on this +corner tomorrow at 11 with my tongue hanging out." + -- S. J. Perelman +% +If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in +James Watt's office. + -- Wayne Shannon, KRON-TV +% +"If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10 +apostles." +% +If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals? +% +If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound? +% +If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament. +% +If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question. +% +If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would +suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only +fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, +only two went back to women. + -- Mort Sahl +% +If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream +and never be our destiny. + -- Ren'e de Visme Williamson +% +If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you +should join + + THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF + +The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all who +don't allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs. In +addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the +following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as Church dogma: + + -- That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which + UFOs come. + -- That pi equals precisely 3.000. + -- That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals. + -- That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared + the circle. + -- That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job. + -- That pi equals precisely 22/7. + +Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being +studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were +done in a Hollywood special effects studio. These will be the subject +of a forthcoming Papal Bull ... +% +If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody +in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments. +% +If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try different position. +% +"If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a +buzz-saw." + -- W. C. Fields +% +Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion. + -- Robert Burton +% +"In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with +reality at any point." + -- Friedrich Nietzsche +% + In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was +without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So +they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, +and it stinks." + + And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying, +"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now, +the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a +container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide +before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto +the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer +and none may abide by its strength." + + And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the +Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and +it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto +the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the +growth of the Laboratories." + + And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that +it was Good! +% +In the Garden of Eden sat Adam, +Massaging the bust of his madam, + He chuckled with mirth, + For he knew that on earth, +There were only two boobs and he had 'em. +% +Incest, n.: + Sibling revelry. +% +"Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time +someone writes `bible thumpers?' + -- Joel M. Snyder, jms@mis.arizona.edu +% +It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be +classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck". +% +"It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then +god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side." + -- Frank Zappa +% +"It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The +Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital +lies." + -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way" +% +Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his time. +% +"Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound!" + -- Daniel Hinojosa +% +Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority. +% +John Birch Society -- that pathetic manifestation of organized +apoplexy. + -- Edward P. Morgan +% +Kasha, n.: + Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only +one problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat +groats"? *_I* know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't +help *___you* much. + -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" +% +Kill a commie for Christ! +% +Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture, +all will end as doves. +% +Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone. +% +LET Jesus be YOUR anchor! + +So when Satan rocks your boat, THROW Jesus overboard! +% +... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, +you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of +fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating +stunts to win the approval of the Republican Right. For example, they +had him make a speech oozing praise all over William Loeb, deceased +publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader and Slime Journalist. +Loeb had dumped viciously all over George in the 1980 New Hampshire +primary. But when the Right held a big tribute for Loeb, George came +back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped around his +neck. + -- Dave Barry, "The Twinkie and the Squid" +% +Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's +hard you get fucked. +% +Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ... +% +Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't +fruits and nuts is flakes. +% +Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit. +% +Mathematicians do it in theory. +% +Mathematicians take it to the limit. +% +May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister. +% +May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow! +% +Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city +nativity scene removed: + "They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men +and a virgin in the whole organization." +% +Megaton Man: "LOOK at them! Helpless, tender creatures, relying on + ME, waiting for ME to make my move!" + +(from below): "Move your ASS, Fat-head!" + +Megaton Man: "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!" +% +Missionary Position: + The missionary on top. +% +"Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a +boot if the instructions were printed on the heel." +% +Motto of the Electrical Engineer: + Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it +stays up as long as you don't fuck with it. +% +My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. He goes around +with his head stuck up his ass. +% +"My country, right or wrong," is a thing that no patriot would think of +saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, "My mother, +drunk or sober." + -- G. K. Chesterton +% +My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my +family, it seems, begins where yours left off. + -- Alexandre Dumas, pere +% + My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things] +Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers +Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars +Reds and peyote to work out your bugs +These are a few of my favorite drugs. + +Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout +Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out +Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs +These are a few of my favorite drugs. + +Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys +Users of heroin, often called junkies +Methadone helps then to stop being thugs +Takes them off one of my favorite drugs. + + On a bad trip + When the cops come + When I lose my head + I simply take more of my favorite drugs + And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead! +% + NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY: +"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a +short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her +promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of +our "Big John" doll.) +% +No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether +she will or will not be a mother. + -- Margaret H. Sanger +% +"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends." + -- Woody Allen +% +Nothing is better than Sex. +Masturbation is better than nothing. +Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex. +% +Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus. +% +O'Riordan's Theorem: + Brains x Beauty = Constant. + +Purmal's Corollary: + As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity, +availability goes to zero. +% +Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers. +% +Occident, n.: + The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It +is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the +Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which +they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the +principal industries of the Orient. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Ocean, n.: + A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for +man -- who has no gills. +% +Once a young gay from Khartoum +Took a lesbian up to his room. + They argued all night + Over who had the right +To do what, and with which, and to whom. +% +Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to +fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold, +the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south. +After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to +earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this +little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure +warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow +began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the +chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure, +he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him. + +There are three morals to this story: + +(1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. +(2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend. +(3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut. +% +One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout +were flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of +nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down. +Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four +passengers! Andropov grabbed one of the parachutes and declared +"Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must +be spared," and he jumped out of the plane. Then Reagan exclaimed "As +leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for +democracy," and with that he too jumped to safety. Now if you are +following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that +there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The +Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and +productive life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's +hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but +there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack." +% +"One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not +there should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los +Angeles to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded +and some virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some +cases the crowded and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of +each other. Obviously many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. +Buying more beaches that people won't go to because they prefer to be +crowded together on one beach is a ridiculous waste of our natural +resources and our taxes." + -- Ronald Reagan +% +One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has +occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist. + -- Jane Wagner, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent + Life in the Universe" +% +Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to +look at the other guy's. + -- Hal Hickman +% +Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where +the maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to +help out in case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second +basewoman is a pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, +but there's no way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere +near her, a male comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal +with it. She's been on the team for three seasons now, but the males +still don't trust her. They know, deep in their souls, that if she had +to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she +probably would elect to save the infant's life, without ever +considering whether there were men on base. + -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" +% +"Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in +a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave +national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to +gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the +exorbitant sums demanded. Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem +never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real." + -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957 +% + Overheard in a bar: +Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!" +Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now." +% +People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world +citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time. + -- Norman Cousins +% +Physicists do it with charm +% +Politicians do it to everyone. +% +Posterity will ne'er survey +A nobler grave than this; +Here lie the bones of Castlereagh; +Stop, traveler, and piss. + -- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh +% +Procrastinators do it tomorrow. +% +Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and +still come out ahead. +% +Q: How do you play religious roulette? +A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck + by lightning first. +% +Q: How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your + backyard? +A: If all your trashcan liners are missing ... +% +Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, + or an airline stewardess? +A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says: + "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it + right." An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your + mouth and nose, and breath normally." +% +Q: How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb? +A: Two. One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the + screwing began. +% +Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? +A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. +% +Q: How much money do you give to a 900 foot Jesus? +A: As much as he wants. +% +Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah + be? +A: A fur coat. +% +Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls? +A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino. +% +Q: What do you get when you cross James Dean with Ronald Reagan? +A: A rebel without a clue. +% +Q: What is "SMOORPLAY"? +A: It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course! +% +Q: What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read? +A: A cheese grater +% +Q: What's Jewish foreplay? +A: Two hours of begging. +% +Q: Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep? +A: Fredrick's of Ithaca, New York. +% +Q: Where does virgin wool come from? +A: Ugly sheep. +% +Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? +A: So she can moan with the other! +% +"Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in +exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must +devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate +from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to +Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are +weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be +reached for comment, but we chose not to listen." + -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live" +% +Randel, n.: + A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology +for farting at a friend. + -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure & + Preposterous Words +% +Reagan can't _a_c_t either +% +Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only +sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's +changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't +grow out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up +liking pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to +do with the other. + -- Jules Feiffer +% +Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in this +country. The remainder is thrown out. +% +Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows. +Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes. + +Democrats eat the fish they catch. +Republicans hang them on the wall. + +Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican +girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first. + +Democrats make up plans and then do something else. +Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made. + +Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA. +The remainder is thrown out. + +Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms. +That is why there are more Democrats. + -- The Official Rules, as compiled by Paul Dickson +% +Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom +any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't. +% +Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo +% +Said a horny young girl from Milpitas, +"My favorite sport is coitus." + But a fullback from State + Made her period late, +And now she has athlete's fetus +% +Said a swinging young chick named Lyth +Whose virtue was largely a myth, + "Try as hard as I can, + I can't find a man +That it's fun to be virtuous with." +% +Said Einstein, "I have an equation +Which to some may seem rabelaisian: + Let _V be virginity + Approaching infinity; +Let _P be a constant persuasion; + +"Let _V over _P be inverted +With the square root of _M_u inserted + _N times into _V ... + The result, Q.E.D., +Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. +% +Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!! +% +Sex is like a bridge game -- If you have a good hand no partner is +needed. +% +Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation ... the other eight +are unimportant. + -- Henry Miller +% +Sex is the poor man's opera. + -- G. B. Shaw +% +She asked me if I loved her still. "Yes," I replied. "I've never had +you any other way." +% +She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic +candidates for president. + -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist + Elizabeth Gould Davis +% +... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse +is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the +1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was +considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever +showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts +would have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the +overall effect was no more explicit than many publications we think +nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking +Through Swimsuits Issue. + -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" +% +Sooner or later, generals will own you. +% +Statisticians do it with 95% confidence. +% +Statisticians probably do it. +% +Subpoena, n.: + From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male +organ or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls." +% +Support the right of unborn males to bear arms! + -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly, + the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle + Association +% +Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life. People know that if +you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything. +% +Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he +forgets? +% +"Taxes should hurt. I just mailed my own tax return last night and I +am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone." + -- Ronald Reagan +% +"The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled +at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains." + -- Dave Barry +% + The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't +just say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these +primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, +and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal +saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think +you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same +time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of +Northern Mali that you may be interested in." + So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic +publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest +naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason +naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an +article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System +Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But +others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev. +Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked. + -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" +% +The computer is the ultimate polluter: its shit is indistinguishable +from the food it produces. +% + The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You +claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in +his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?" + + "Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but +not much good in a fight." +% +The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the +cactus has the pricks on the outside. +% +... The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil +out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge. + -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19 +% + The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint + +My back aches, my pussy is sore; +I simply can't fuck any more; + I'm covered with sweat, + And you haven't come yet, +And my God, it's a quarter to four! +% +The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been +putting his bird in the *WRONG* bushes. +% +THE MX IS GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY. One important reason we have a Defense +Department is that when we give it money, it spends it, which creates +jobs, whereas if we left the money in the hands of civilians, we don't +know what they'd do with it. Probably put it in open trenches and set +it on fire. The MX will create an especially large number of jobs +because of the number of warheads it carries. It carries a total of 10 +warheads. This creates a great deal of employment, because you have +your Warhead Makers, your Warhead Lifters, your Persons Who Tap the +Warheads Gently with Rubber Mallets to Wedge Them All Snugly Into the +Nose Cone, your Persons Who Just Walk Around Playing Soothing Cassettes +by Recording Artists such as Perry Como So We Don't Have Any More +Episodes Where a Worker Who is Experiencing Some Strain Sticks a +Warhead in the Employee Cafeteria Microwave and Sets It On Roast, etc. +We are talking about a lot of jobs. + -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against + Political Fallout" +% +The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me. +% +The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France +on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an +acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke +French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word +the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a +picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a +ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant +with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After +dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to +several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious +evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and +drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and has never +be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business. +% +The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a +chance to prove it. +% +The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have to walk around +in front every time you want to kiss her. +% +The reason we need the MX missile system is that the missiles we +currently have in the ground are the Minuteman model, which is very +old. The Defense Department can't even remember where half of them +are. Insects have built nests in them. People have built houses +directly over the silos. What this means, of course, is that if we +ever needed them to help obliterate all human life on the planet, they +could be a real embarrassment. I mean, maybe YOU'RE comfortable with +the prospect of missiles that are supposed to represent you barging +over the North Pole trailing shreds of polyester carpeting from some +recreation room in South Dakota, but your strategic defense planners +are not. + -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against + Political Fallout" +% +The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a +dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said, "It's my dick +and I can wash it as fast as I want!" +% + The Split-Atom Blues + +Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine, + Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline ... +But if you split those atoms fine, + Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine! + +Gimme zits, take my dough, + Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll ... +Call the devil and sell my soul, + But Mama keep dem atoms whole! + -- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County" +% +"The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual +curiosity." + -- Ronald Reagan +% +The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling +their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from +the other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to +ascribe to the other side a consistency, forsight and coherence that +its own experience belies. Of course, even two blind men can do +enormous damage to each other, not to speak of the room. + -- Henry Kissinger +% +The United States Army; +194 years of proud service, +unhampered by progress. +% +The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to +everybody and still nobody likes him. + -- Jim Samuels +% +"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..." +% +"The whole world is about three drinks behind." + -- Humphrey Bogart +% +The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis". This is true in +almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people +have attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged +down in silly puns about "standing erect". + -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" +% +The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit. +% + Them Toad Suckers + +How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods? +Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs! + +Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers, +Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers. + +Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy? +Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy! + +Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south, +Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth! + +How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it, +Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it! + -- Mason Williams +% +There are also a lot of nice buildings in Haiphong. What their +contributions are to the war effort I don't know, but the desire to +bomb a virgin building is terrific. + -- Commander Henry Urban Jr. +% +There are revolutions that are sweeping the world and we in America +have been in a position of trying to stop them. With all the wealth of +America, with all of the military strength of America, those +revolutions are revolutions against a form of political and economic +organization in the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are +oppressive. They are revolutions against feudalism. [1952] + -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas +% +There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's. +% +"There is a God, but He drinks" + -- Blore +% +There once was a couple named Kelley, +Who lived their life belly to belly. + Because in their haste + They used Library Paste, +Instead of Petroleum Jelly. +% +There once was a fiesty young terrier +Who liked to bite girls on the derriere. + He'd yip and he'd yap, + Then leap up and snap; +And the fairer the derriere the merrier. +% +There once was a freshman named Lin, +Whose tool was as thin as a pin, + A virgin named Joan + From a bible belt home, +Said "This won't be much of a sin." +% +There once was a hacker named Ken +Who inherited truckloads of Yen + So he built him some chicks + Of silicon chips +And hasn't been heard from since then. +% +There once was a lady from Exeter, +So pretty that men craned their necks at her. + One was even so brave + As to take out and wave +The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. +% +There once was a man named Eugene +Who invented a screwing machine + Concave and convex + It served either sex +And it played with itself in between. +% +There once was a plumber from Leigh, +Who was plumbing his maid by the sea, + Said she, "Please stop plumbing, + I think someone's coming!" +Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me." +% +There once was a queen of Bulgaria +Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, + Till a prince from Peru + Who came up for a screw +Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier. +% +There once was a Scot named McAmeter +With a tool of prodigious diameter. + It was not the size + That cause such surprise; +'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter. +% +There was a bluestocking in Florence +Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents, + Till a Spanish grandee, + Got her off with his knee, +And she burned all her works with abhorrence. +% +There was a gay countess of Bray, +And you may think it odd when I say, + That in spite of high station, + Rank and education, +She always spelled cunt with a "k". +% +There was a young fellow named Bliss +Whose sex life was strangely amiss, + For even with Venus + His recalcitrant penis +Would never do better than t + h + i + s + . +% +There was a young girl from Hong Kong +Whose cervical cap was a gong. + She said with a yell, + As a shot rang her bell, +"I'll give you a ding for a dong!" +% +There was a young girl named Sapphire +Who succumbed to her lover's desire. + She said, "It's a sin, + But now that it's in, +Could you shove it a few inches higher?" +% +There was a young girl of Angina +Who stretched catgut across her vagina. + From the love-making frock + (With the proper sized cock) +Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor. +% +There was a young girl of Darjeeling +Who could dance with such exquisite feeling + There was never a sound + For miles around +Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling. +% +There was a young lad name of Durcan +Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. + His father said, "Durcan! + Stop jerkin' your gherkin! +Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. +% +There was a young lady from Maine +Who claimed she had men on her brain. + But you knew from the view, + As her abdomen grew, +It was not on her brain that he'd lain. +% +There was a young lady named Clair +Who possessed a magnificent pair; + At least so I thought + Till I saw one get caught +On a thorn, and begin losing air. +% +There was a young lady named Hall, +Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. + The dress caught on fire + And burned her entire +Front page, sporting section, and all. +% +There was a young lady named Twiss +Who said she thought fucking a bliss, + For it tickled her bum + And caused her to come +.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW +% +There was a young lady of Norway +Who hung by her toes in a doorway. + She said to her beau + "Just look at me Joe +I think I've discovered one more way." +% +There was a young man from Bel-Aire +Who was screwing his girl on the stair, + But the banister broke + So he doubled his stroke +And finished her off in mid-air. +% +There was a young man named Crockett +Whose balls got caught in a socket. + His wife was a bitch, + And she threw the switch, +As Crockett went off like a rocket. +% +There was a young man of Cape Horn +Who wished he had never been born, + And he wouldn't have been + If his father had seen +That the end of the rubber was torn. +% +There was a young man of St. John's +Who wanted to bugger the swans. + But the loyal hall porter + Said, "Pray take my daughter! +Those birds are reserved for the dons." +% +There was a young whore from kaloo +Who filled her vagina with glue. + She said with a grin, + "If they pay to get in, +They can pay to get out again too!" +% +There was an old man of the port +Whose prick was remarkably short. + When he got into bed, + The old woman said, +"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!" +% +There was an old pirate named Bates +Who was learning to rhumba on skates. + He fell on his cutlass + Which rendered him nutless +And practically useless on dates. +% +There were the Scots +Who kept the Sabbath +And everything else they could lay their hands on. +Then there were the Welsh +Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors. +Thirdly there were the Irish +Who never knew what they wanted +But were willing to fight for it anyway. +Lastly there were the English +Who considered themselves a self-made nation +Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility. +% +There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I +really don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do +anything to me. + -- John Wayne +% +There's more than one way to skin a cat: + Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush. +% +There's more than one way to skin a cat: + Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander. +% +There's more than one way to skin a cat: + Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker. +% +There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter +and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex. + -- Billy Joel +% +There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure. + -- David Mairowitz +% +This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an +actual emergency, you would have known it! +% +This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week. +% +This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. So I'll put +"di-dah" for the filthy words: + + Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah, + Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah; + di-dah di-dah di-dah? + Di-dah di-dah di-dah. + Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck. +% +This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management +personal to various situations. + +You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives +in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchillada casserole and +egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure. +Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass +bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out. + +YOU SHOULD: + +(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away. +(b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense. +(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better. +% +Thou shalt not omit adultery. +% +To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature. +% +"Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad +name." + -- Gore Vidal +% +'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod And as in raffish thought he sprawled, +Did groove and trip out at the pad: The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt, +All whimsy were the slamming chicks, Crept past the hippies getting balled +And the Radcliffe undergrad. And doffed her miniskirt. + +"Beware the Radcliffe girl, my son! One, two! One, two! And through +The looks that melt, the claws that and through + catch! The venerable staff went snicker-snack! +Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun He left her bred, sans maidenhead, +The uppity Wellesleysnatch!" And went galumphing back. + +He took his venerable staff in hand: "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl? +Long time the cool young stuff he Come to my arms, my horny boy! + sought -- O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!" +So rested he among the spree He cackled in his joy. +And paused to smoke some pot. + 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod + Did groove and trip out at the pad: + All whimsy were the slamming chicks, + And the Radcliffe undergrad. +% + Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn +how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, +you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'". + All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where +their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. + "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." +His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the +room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" + "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass +it ain't gonna be Cheerios." +% +"Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the +opposite." + -- John Kenneth Galbraith +% +Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid +or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth +noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon. + -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson +% +Vegetarians for oral sex -- "The only meat that's fit to eat" +% +Vidi, vici, veni. +(I saw, I conquered, I came.) +% +Virgin, n.: + An ugly third grader. +% +War is menstruation envy. +% +"Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it." + -- W. C. Fields +% +We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid. +% +"We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at +hand." + -- James Watt +% +We have reason to believe that man first +walked upright to free his hands for masturbation. + -- Lily Tomlin +% +"We should declare war on North Vietnam. We could pave the whole +country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas." + -- Ronald Reagan +% +WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT. The MX is really +[Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms- +reduction talks with the Russians. See, we have a problem with the +Russians. They look at our leaders and they see, for example, George +Bush, who is really a fine and brave man but who happens to have this +unfortunate physical characteristic whereby when he talks he sounds as +though he just inhaled a helium party balloon. If he ever becomes +President, the Russians will deliberately create nuclear crises just so +they can gather around the Hot Line with refreshments and listen to +George talk. + -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against + Political Fallout" +% +Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator. Now, I had +my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco. Surely +you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another! +% +Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt +great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just +felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at +him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And this poor +quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier +than you." A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just +bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE +ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages +to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the +jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that +was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: +"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, this +elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; +picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of +orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. +The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says: +"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so +pissed." +% +What can you use used tampons for? Tea bags for vampires. +% +What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas? +A Dan Quayle watch. +% +What is the difficulty with writing a PDP-8 program to emulate Jerry +Ford? + +Figuring out what to do with the other 3K. +% + "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you +didn't believe in God." + "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the +God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's +not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be." + -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" +% +When God created man, She was only testing. +% +When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it. + -- Charles Merrill Smith +% +"When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that +can't happen." + -- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal) +% +When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's +rule of life: if you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it! +% + When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her +operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it +would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't +thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first +patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!" +% +While I, with my usual enthusiasm, +Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm, + She explained, "They are flat, + But think nothing of that -- +You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm." +% +"White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it +so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the +time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair." +% +Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are +horses? + -- G. Gordon Liddy +% +Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them +then she isn't good enough for you. +% +Women Unite! Make *___him* sleep in the wet spot tonight! +% +Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination + -- Graffito in a women's restroom +% +Women's Libbers are OK. I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one. +% +Would you mind terribly much if I asked you to take your silly-assed +problem down the hall? +% +"Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left +the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware." + -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper" +% +You always introduce the younger person to the older person, using the +wording: "Miss Brown, I'd like to introduce you to an older person" +(unless her name is not "Miss Brown"). If you do not know a person's +age, ask for a driver's license and a major credit card. If you are +introduced to a member of a minority group, use the "high-five" style +handshake, followed by a remark designed to show you don't mind a bit, +such as "I see you are a (name of a minority group)! Good!" + -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" +% +"You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but +only for a limited period of time. Why should we think that collectively, +as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?" + -- Ronald Reagan +% +You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an +uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Since this is definitely a +no-no, you: + +(a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid + motion, bury your forefinger in your nostril right up to the 4th + joint. + +(b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a prize + to the one who makes his nose bleed first. + +(c) Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to pick it up, + blow your nose on your sock. +% +You better believe that marijuana can cause castration. Just suppose +your girlfriend gets the munchies! +% +You can lead a whore to Vasser, but you can't make her think. + -- Frederick B. Artz +% +You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't +pick your friend's nose. +% +You can't underestimate the power of fear. + -- Tricia Nixon +% +You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to +get back inside. + -- Heathcote Williams +% +You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January +and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live +there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You: + +(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your + name. + +(b) Ask what position she played. + +(c) Ask if she is still working the streets. +% +You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this +proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your +proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits +into your coffee. You: + +(a) Tell him you take your coffee black. + +(b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases. + +(c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a leak in his "In" + basket. +% +"You have to regard everything I say with suspicion -- I may be trying +to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently." + -- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b