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fcf2a2a2 | 1 | !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH |
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fcf2a2a2 | 3 | !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH |
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5 | (1) Alexander the Great was a great general. |
6 | (2) Great generals are forewarned. | |
7 | (3) Forewarned is forearmed. | |
8 | (4) Four is an even number. | |
9 | (5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. | |
10 | (6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. | |
11 | ||
12 | Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. | |
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14 | (1) Everything depends. |
15 | (2) Nothing is always. | |
16 | (3) Everything is sometimes. | |
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18 | 1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's |
19 | the law! | |
3dda02a9 | 20 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 21 | 10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0. |
3dda02a9 | 22 | % |
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23 | 100 buckets of bits on the bus |
24 | 100 buckets of bits | |
25 | Take one down, short it to ground | |
26 | FF buckets of bits on the bus | |
58fe6ef4 | 27 | |
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28 | FF buckets of bits on the bus |
29 | FF buckets of bits | |
30 | Take one down, short it to ground | |
31 | FE buckets of bits on the bus | |
32 | ||
33 | ad infinitum... | |
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35 | $100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at |
36 | which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. | |
37 | -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" | |
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39 | 101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR |
40 | (1) Scarecrow for centipedes | |
41 | (2) Dead cat brush | |
42 | (3) Hair barrettes | |
43 | (4) Cleats | |
44 | (5) Self-piercing earrings | |
45 | (6) Fungus trellis | |
46 | (7) False eyelashes | |
47 | (8) Prosthetic dog claws | |
48 | . | |
49 | . | |
50 | . | |
51 | (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors) | |
52 | (100) Killer velcro | |
fcf2a2a2 | 53 | (101) Currency |
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55 | 186,282 miles per second: |
56 | ||
57 | It isn't just a good idea, it's the law! | |
3dda02a9 | 58 | % |
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59 | 2180, U.S. History question: |
60 | What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what | |
61 | office did he later hold? | |
62 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 63 | $3,000,000 |
3dda02a9 | 64 | % |
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65 | "355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible |
66 | simulation!" | |
3dda02a9 | 67 | % |
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68 | 43rd Law of Computing: |
69 | Anything that can go wr | |
70 | fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped | |
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72 | 77. HO HUM -- The Redundant |
73 | ||
74 | ------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme | |
75 | --- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife | |
76 | ------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working | |
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77 | ---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop the |
78 | ---X--- (9) GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates to | |
79 | --- --- (8) nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex. | |
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80 | |
81 | Nine in the second place means: | |
82 | The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune. | |
83 | ||
84 | Six in the third place means: | |
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85 | In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue |
86 | Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble! | |
87 | % | |
88 | 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) | |
89 | The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National | |
90 | Redwood Forest. | |
91 | % | |
92 | 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) | |
93 | The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the | |
94 | Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. | |
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96 | 99 blocks of crud on the disk, |
97 | 99 blocks of crud! | |
98 | You patch a bug, and dump it again: | |
99 | 100 blocks of crud on the disk! | |
100 | ||
101 | 100 blocks of crud on the disk, | |
102 | 100 blocks of crud! | |
103 | You patch a bug, and dump it again: | |
104 | 101 blocks of crud on the disk! ... | |
3dda02a9 | 105 | % |
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106 | A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a |
107 | "Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble. | |
108 | -- Mahatma Ghandi | |
109 | % | |
110 | A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. | |
111 | Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific | |
112 | game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have | |
113 | traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, | |
114 | preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass. | |
115 | -- Donald A. Metz | |
116 | % | |
117 | A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and | |
118 | placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or | |
119 | rolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results | |
120 | from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball | |
121 | and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the | |
122 | ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical | |
123 | phenomena. | |
124 | -- Donald A. Metz | |
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126 | A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no |
127 | responsibility at the other. | |
3dda02a9 | 128 | % |
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129 | A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on. |
130 | -- Carl Sandburg | |
131 | % | |
132 | A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out | |
133 | of a divorce. | |
58fe6ef4 | 134 | -- Don Quinn |
3dda02a9 | 135 | % |
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136 | A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining |
137 | and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. | |
138 | -- Mark Twain | |
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140 | A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it |
141 | adds up to be real money. | |
fcf2a2a2 | 142 | -- Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen |
3dda02a9 | 143 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 144 | A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him. |
3dda02a9 | 145 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 146 | A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. |
3dda02a9 | 147 | % |
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148 | A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose. |
149 | % | |
150 | ... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you | |
151 | have turned into a pile of dust. | |
152 | % | |
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153 | A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have |
154 | enlightened him with ours. | |
3dda02a9 | 155 | % |
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156 | A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well |
157 | as afterward. | |
3dda02a9 | 158 | % |
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159 | A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the |
160 | poor to protect them from each other. | |
3dda02a9 | 161 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 162 | A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. |
3dda02a9 | 163 | % |
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164 | A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not |
165 | mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty | |
166 | trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators. | |
167 | -- Dave Barry | |
168 | % | |
169 | A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five. | |
170 | % | |
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171 | A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon. |
172 | Avoid him. He's a Commie. | |
3dda02a9 | 173 | % |
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174 | A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but |
175 | won't cross the street to vote in a national election. | |
176 | -- Bill Vaughan | |
177 | % | |
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178 | A city is a large community where people are lonesome together |
179 | -- Herbert Prochnow | |
3dda02a9 | 180 | % |
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181 | A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody |
182 | wants to read. | |
183 | -- Mark Twain | |
3dda02a9 | 184 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 185 | A closed mouth gathers no foot. |
3dda02a9 | 186 | % |
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187 | A computer, to print out a fact, |
188 | Will divide, multiply, and subtract. | |
189 | But this output can be | |
190 | No more than debris, | |
191 | If the input was short of exact. | |
192 | -- Gigo | |
3dda02a9 | 193 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 194 | A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. |
3dda02a9 | 195 | % |
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196 | A CONS is an object which cares. |
197 | -- Bernie Greenberg. | |
198 | % | |
199 | A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it | |
200 | is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it. | |
201 | % | |
202 | A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper. | |
203 | -- Dyer | |
204 | % | |
205 | A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the | |
206 | damned things is ample. | |
207 | -- Rebecca West | |
208 | % | |
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209 | A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. |
210 | -- Ben Franklin | |
3dda02a9 | 211 | % |
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212 | A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison |
213 | And had an affair with a Saracen. | |
214 | She was not oversexed, | |
215 | Or jealous or vexed, | |
216 | She just wanted to make a comparison. | |
3dda02a9 | 217 | % |
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218 | A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen |
219 | lantern. | |
220 | -- Edgar A. Shoaff | |
221 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 222 | A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? |
3dda02a9 | 223 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 224 | A day without sunshine is like night. |
3dda02a9 | 225 | % |
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226 | A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur |
227 | coat. | |
3dda02a9 | 228 | % |
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229 | A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that |
230 | you will look forward to the trip. | |
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231 | % |
232 | A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was | |
233 | eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality | |
234 | test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." | |
235 | Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into | |
236 | the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too". | |
3dda02a9 | 237 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 238 | A diva who specializes in risqu'\be arias is an off-coloratura soprano ... |
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239 | % |
240 | A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing | |
241 | about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their | |
242 | arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon | |
243 | the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because | |
244 | Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply | |
245 | incredible surgical feat." | |
246 | The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the | |
247 | Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of | |
248 | that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an | |
249 | architect." | |
250 | The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, | |
251 | "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" | |
3dda02a9 | 252 | % |
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253 | A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. |
254 | -- Ogden Nash | |
3dda02a9 | 255 | % |
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256 | A dozen, a gross, and a score, |
257 | Plus three times the square root of four, | |
258 | Divided by seven, | |
259 | Plus five time eleven, | |
260 | Equals nine squared plus zero, no more. | |
3dda02a9 | 261 | % |
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262 | A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a |
263 | Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. | |
264 | Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network | |
265 | with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the | |
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266 | Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly |
267 | pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while | |
268 | simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick | |
269 | Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened. | |
3dda02a9 | 270 | % |
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271 | A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the |
272 | subject. | |
273 | -- Winston Churchill | |
3dda02a9 | 274 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 275 | A fool must now and then be right by chance. |
3dda02a9 | 276 | % |
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277 | A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into |
278 | superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. | |
279 | -- G. B. Shaw | |
3dda02a9 | 280 | % |
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281 | A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block |
282 | of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an | |
283 | elephant. | |
284 | % | |
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285 | A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. |
286 | -- D. Gries | |
3dda02a9 | 287 | % |
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288 | "A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch |
289 | dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension." | |
290 | -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature" | |
291 | % | |
292 | A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. | |
293 | -- Adlai Stevenson | |
294 | % | |
295 | A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than | |
296 | he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men | |
297 | favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter | |
298 | facts of life in bandages of self-illusion. | |
299 | -- H. L. Mencken | |
300 | % | |
301 | A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding | |
302 | ducks. | |
303 | -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 | |
304 | % | |
305 | A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident. | |
306 | A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident. | |
307 | But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *_\b_\b_\b_\bthat _\b_\b_\bhad _\b_\bto _\b_\b_\b_\bmean _\b_\b_\b_\b_\b_\b_\b_\b_\bsomething*. | |
308 | -- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers" | |
309 | % | |
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310 | A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort |
311 | of). | |
3dda02a9 | 312 | % |
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313 | A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened |
314 | into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the | |
315 | hope of greening the landscape of idea. | |
316 | -- John Ciardi | |
317 | % | |
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318 | A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely |
319 | rearranging their prejudices. | |
320 | -- William James | |
3dda02a9 | 321 | % |
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322 | A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest |
323 | man a century. | |
324 | % | |
325 | A hypothetical paradox: | |
326 | What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security | |
327 | team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of | |
328 | Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? | |
329 | -- Tom Galloway | |
330 | % | |
331 | A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears. | |
332 | C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh. | |
333 | E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech. | |
334 | G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug. | |
335 | I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake. | |
336 | K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks. | |
337 | M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui. | |
338 | O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl | |
339 | Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire. | |
340 | S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits. | |
341 | U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train. | |
342 | W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice. | |
343 | Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin. | |
344 | -- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines" | |
345 | % | |
346 | A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. | |
347 | % | |
348 | A jury consists of 12 persons chosen to decide | |
349 | who has the better lawyer. | |
350 | -- Robert Frost | |
351 | % | |
352 | A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. | |
353 | % | |
354 | A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. | |
355 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 356 | A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. |
3dda02a9 | 357 | % |
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358 | A lady with one of her ears applied |
359 | To an open keyhole heard, inside, | |
360 | Two female gossips in converse free -- | |
361 | The subject engaging them was she. | |
362 | "I think", said one, "and my husband thinks | |
363 | That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" | |
364 | As soon as no more of it she could hear | |
365 | The lady, indignant, removed her ear. | |
366 | "I will not stay," she said with a pout, | |
367 | "To hear my character lied about!" | |
368 | -- Gopete Sherany | |
3dda02a9 | 369 | % |
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370 | A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is |
371 | not worth knowing. | |
3dda02a9 | 372 | % |
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373 | A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program |
374 | in than some that do. | |
375 | -- Dennis M. Ritchie | |
3dda02a9 | 376 | % |
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377 | A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work |
378 | by being declared to work. | |
379 | -- Anatol Holt | |
3dda02a9 | 380 | % |
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381 | A Law of Computer Programming: |
382 | Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you | |
383 | will find the programmers cannot write in English. | |
384 | % | |
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385 | A limerick packs laughs anatomical |
386 | Into space that is quite economical. | |
387 | But the good ones I've seen | |
388 | So seldom are clean, | |
389 | And the clean ones so seldom are comical. | |
3dda02a9 | 390 | % |
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391 | A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of |
392 | nothing. | |
393 | % | |
394 | A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. | |
395 | -- H. H. Munroe | |
396 | % | |
397 | A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. | |
398 | % | |
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399 | A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any |
400 | price. | |
3dda02a9 | 401 | % |
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402 | A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in |
403 | his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and | |
404 | exceptional ability in that particular field." | |
405 | % | |
406 | A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. | |
407 | -- Steve Wright | |
408 | % | |
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409 | A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I |
410 | believe everything positively stinks. | |
411 | -- Lew Col | |
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412 | % |
413 | A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The | |
414 | first thing he notices is that the arms are too long. | |
415 | "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow | |
416 | and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine." | |
417 | "But the collar is up around my ears!" | |
418 | "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a | |
419 | little more ... that's it." | |
420 | "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation. | |
421 | "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you | |
422 | go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly." | |
423 | So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the | |
424 | street. Reba and Florence see him go by. | |
425 | "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!" | |
426 | "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit." | |
427 | -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" | |
3dda02a9 | 428 | % |
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429 | A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" |
430 | ||
431 | "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a | |
432 | sense of obligation." | |
433 | -- Stephen Crane | |
3dda02a9 | 434 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 435 | A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. |
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436 | % |
437 | A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his | |
438 | novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how | |
439 | insignificant," said the master. | |
440 | ||
441 | "Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. | |
442 | ||
443 | "It is," came the reply. | |
444 | ||
445 | "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. | |
446 | ||
447 | "It is even in a video game," said the master. | |
448 | ||
449 | "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" | |
450 | ||
451 | The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The | |
452 | lesson is over for today," he said. | |
453 | -- "The Tao of Programming" | |
3dda02a9 | 454 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 455 | A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems. |
3dda02a9 | 456 | % |
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457 | A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed |
458 | on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new | |
459 | game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the | |
460 | pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly | |
461 | along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their | |
462 | heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn | |
463 | around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite | |
464 | direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the | |
465 | paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin | |
466 | colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins | |
467 | fall over gently onto their backs. | |
468 | -- Audobon Society Magazine | |
469 | % | |
470 | A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at | |
471 | the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the | |
472 | pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite | |
473 | nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..." | |
474 | "If what?" asked the composer. | |
475 | "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?" | |
476 | % | |
477 | A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out | |
478 | on loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed | |
479 | loudly inside the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom | |
480 | do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?" | |
481 | % | |
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482 | A new dramatist of the absurd |
483 | Has a voice that will shortly be heard. | |
484 | I learn from my spies | |
485 | He's about to devise | |
486 | An unprintable three-letter word. | |
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488 | A new koan: |
489 | ||
490 | If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. | |
491 | ||
492 | If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. | |
493 | ||
494 | It is an ice cream koan. | |
3dda02a9 | 495 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 496 | A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. |
fcf2a2a2 | 497 | Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now |
58fe6ef4 | 498 | has no excuse for further procrastination. |
3dda02a9 | 499 | % |
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500 | A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies |
501 | insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the | |
502 | right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them. | |
503 | % | |
504 | A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the | |
505 | rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion. | |
506 | % | |
507 | A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which | |
508 | removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to | |
509 | doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous | |
510 | amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware | |
511 | limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the | |
512 | larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient | |
513 | power-down sequence. | |
514 | An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the | |
515 | building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has | |
516 | bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer | |
517 | cool. | |
518 | % | |
519 | A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power | |
520 | off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly: | |
521 | "You can not fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no | |
522 | understanding of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off | |
523 | and on. The machine worked. | |
524 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 525 | A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. |
3dda02a9 | 526 | % |
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527 | A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space. |
528 | -- Gloria Steinem | |
529 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 530 | A penny saved is ridiculous. |
3dda02a9 | 531 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 532 | A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry. |
3dda02a9 | 533 | % |
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534 | A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms. |
535 | -- George Wald | |
3dda02a9 | 536 | % |
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537 | A pig is a jolly companion, |
538 | Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt -- | |
539 | A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, | |
540 | Though mountains may topple and tilt. | |
541 | When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you, | |
542 | When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig, | |
543 | Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover, | |
544 | You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig, | |
545 | You'll never go wrong with a pig! | |
546 | -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" | |
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547 | % |
548 | A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling | |
549 | by Mark Twain | |
550 | ||
551 | For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped | |
552 | to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer | |
553 | be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained | |
554 | would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 | |
555 | might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the | |
556 | same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with | |
557 | "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all. | |
558 | Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear | |
559 | with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 | |
560 | or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. | |
561 | Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi | |
562 | ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz | |
563 | ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. | |
564 | Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud | |
565 | hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. | |
566 | % | |
567 | "A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!" | |
568 | -- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra" | |
3dda02a9 | 569 | % |
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570 | A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? |
571 | ||
572 | And he answered: | |
573 | ||
574 | It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. | |
575 | ||
576 | It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. | |
577 | ||
578 | It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City | |
579 | upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come | |
580 | to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness. | |
581 | ||
582 | And that is Fate? said the priest. | |
583 | ||
584 | Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master. | |
585 | ||
586 | That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was | |
587 | too. | |
588 | -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" | |
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589 | % |
590 | A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came | |
591 | upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. | |
592 | "That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow | |
593 | man". | |
594 | As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, | |
595 | he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." | |
3dda02a9 | 596 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 597 | A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. |
3dda02a9 | 598 | % |
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599 | "A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis |
600 | of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite | |
601 | series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric | |
602 | precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from | |
603 | inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical | |
604 | accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality | |
605 | for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly | |
606 | defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the | |
607 | information in the first place." | |
fcf2a2a2 | 608 | -- IEEE Grid news magazine |
3dda02a9 | 609 | % |
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610 | A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that |
611 | your wife will give you for free. | |
3dda02a9 | 612 | % |
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613 | A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be |
614 | too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which | |
615 | was intended for her preservation. | |
616 | -- Colton | |
617 | % | |
618 | A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as | |
619 | "you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if | |
620 | the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants | |
621 | to make a travesty of the game. | |
622 | -- Donald A. Metz | |
623 | % | |
624 | "A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked | |
625 | out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon." | |
626 | -- Steel City News | |
627 | % | |
628 | "A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives." | |
629 | % | |
630 | A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20: | |
631 | ||
632 | Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying, | |
633 | "Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny | |
634 | bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the | |
635 | lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and | |
636 | breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the | |
637 | Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of | |
638 | the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt | |
639 | thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then | |
640 | proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being | |
641 | the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand | |
642 | Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, | |
643 | shall snuff it." | |
644 | -- Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" | |
645 | % | |
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646 | A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices |
647 | that the system works. | |
3dda02a9 | 648 | % |
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649 | A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and |
650 | the real reason. | |
3dda02a9 | 651 | % |
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652 | A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen |
653 | objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer | |
654 | scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added | |
655 | concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three | |
656 | dimensional objects ... | |
3dda02a9 | 657 | % |
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658 | A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may |
659 | not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized | |
660 | rosewater. | |
661 | % | |
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662 | A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man |
663 | contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. | |
664 | -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery | |
3dda02a9 | 665 | % |
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666 | A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will |
667 | keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those | |
668 | that are worth committing. | |
669 | -- Samuel Butler | |
670 | % | |
671 | A Severe Strain on the Credulity | |
672 | ||
673 | As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest | |
674 | parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket | |
675 | is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one | |
676 | considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one | |
677 | begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really | |
678 | starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor | |
679 | maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left. | |
680 | Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing | |
681 | of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to | |
682 | re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum | |
683 | against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the | |
684 | knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. | |
685 | -- New York Times Editorial, 1920 | |
686 | % | |
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687 | A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard |
688 | -- Prof. Steiner | |
3dda02a9 | 689 | % |
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690 | ... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he |
691 | was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. | |
58fe6ef4 | 692 | -- Mark Twain |
3dda02a9 | 693 | % |
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694 | A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. |
695 | -- O'Henry | |
3dda02a9 | 696 | % |
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697 | A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many |
698 | bad measures. | |
699 | -- Daniel Webster | |
700 | % | |
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701 | A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an |
702 | exam. | |
3dda02a9 | 703 | % |
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704 | A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to |
705 | Greenblatt. As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it | |
706 | true," asked the student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as | |
707 | Lisp?" Almost before the student had finished his question, Greenblatt | |
708 | shouted, "FOO!", and hit the student with a stick. | |
709 | % | |
710 | A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something | |
711 | undreamed of by its author. | |
58fe6ef4 | 712 | -- S. C. Johnson |
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714 | A tautology is a thing which is tautological. |
715 | % | |
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716 | A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, |
717 | and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. | |
718 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 719 | % |
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720 | A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by |
721 | blowing first. | |
3dda02a9 | 722 | % |
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723 | A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene |
724 | triangle. | |
725 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 726 | A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. |
3dda02a9 | 727 | % |
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728 | A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest |
729 | in students. | |
730 | -- John Ciardi | |
3dda02a9 | 731 | % |
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732 | "A University without students is like an ointment without a fly." |
733 | -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin | |
734 | % | |
735 | A UNIX saleslady, Lenore, | |
736 | Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more. | |
737 | She found a good way | |
738 | To combine work and play: | |
739 | She sells C shells by the seashore. | |
740 | % | |
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741 | A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature |
742 | replaces it with. | |
fcf2a2a2 | 743 | -- Tennessee Williams |
3dda02a9 | 744 | % |
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745 | A very intelligent turtle |
746 | Found programming UNIX a hurdle | |
747 | The system, you see, | |
748 | Ran as slow as did he, | |
749 | And that's not saying much for the turtle. | |
3dda02a9 | 750 | % |
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751 | A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without |
752 | getting nervous. | |
3dda02a9 | 753 | % |
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754 | A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets |
755 | people's attention. | |
756 | % | |
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757 | "A witty saying proves nothing." |
758 | -- Voltaire | |
3dda02a9 | 759 | % |
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760 | "A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to |
761 | admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact | |
762 | remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one | |
763 | reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell. It | |
764 | is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of | |
765 | using indirect spells. It also does no harm, in dealing with these | |
766 | matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times." | |
767 | -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII | |
768 | % | |
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769 | A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe |
770 | in God. | |
3dda02a9 | 771 | % |
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772 | A.A.A.A.A.: |
773 | An organization for drunks who drive | |
3dda02a9 | 774 | % |
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775 | \a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\aAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!\a |
776 | You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room! | |
3dda02a9 | 777 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 778 | Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. |
3dda02a9 | 779 | % |
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780 | "About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the |
781 | ends." | |
58fe6ef4 | 782 | -- Herbert Hoover |
3dda02a9 | 783 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 784 | Absence makes the heart go wander. |
3dda02a9 | 785 | % |
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786 | Absent, adj.: |
787 | Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; | |
788 | slandered. | |
3dda02a9 | 789 | % |
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790 | Absentee, n.: |
791 | A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove | |
792 | himself from the sphere of exaction. | |
793 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 794 | % |
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795 | Abstainer, n.: |
796 | A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a | |
797 | pleasure. | |
798 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 799 | % |
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800 | Absurdity, n.: |
801 | A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own | |
802 | opinion. | |
803 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 804 | % |
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805 | Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, |
806 | because the stakes are so low. | |
807 | -- Wallace Sayre | |
808 | % | |
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809 | Accident, n.: |
810 | A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of | |
811 | body is better. | |
3dda02a9 | 812 | % |
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813 | Accidents cause History. |
814 | ||
815 | If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the | |
816 | Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not | |
817 | have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil | |
818 | could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and | |
819 | the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd. | |
820 | -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" | |
3dda02a9 | 821 | % |
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822 | According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person |
823 | shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than | |
824 | fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening | |
825 | of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of | |
826 | the returns." | |
827 | % | |
828 | According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least | |
829 | once a year. | |
830 | % | |
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831 | According to my best recollection, I don't remember. |
832 | -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo | |
3dda02a9 | 833 | % |
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834 | According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are |
835 | totally worthless. | |
3dda02a9 | 836 | % |
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837 | According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never |
838 | dies. | |
839 | % | |
840 | "According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to | |
841 | live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came | |
842 | in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. | |
843 | Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime." | |
844 | -- David Letterman | |
845 | % | |
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846 | Accordion, n.: |
847 | A bagpipe with pleats. | |
3dda02a9 | 848 | % |
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849 | Accuracy, n.: |
850 | The vice of being right | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
851 | % |
852 | ACHTUNG!!! | |
853 | ||
854 | Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy | |
855 | schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit | |
856 | spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das | |
857 | rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und | |
858 | vatch das blinkenlights!!! | |
3dda02a9 | 859 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 860 | Acid -- better living through chemistry. |
3dda02a9 | 861 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 862 | Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality. |
3dda02a9 | 863 | % |
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864 | Acquaintance, n.: |
865 | A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well | |
866 | enough to lend to. | |
867 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 868 | % |
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869 | "Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from |
870 | coughing." | |
3dda02a9 | 871 | % |
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872 | Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had |
873 | everyone glued in their seats!" | |
874 | Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of | |
875 | it!" | |
3dda02a9 | 876 | % |
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877 | Actor: So what do you do for a living? |
878 | Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving | |
879 | dishes for Chinese restaurants. | |
880 | -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" | |
3dda02a9 | 881 | % |
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882 | Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families. |
883 | % | |
884 | ADA, n.: | |
885 | Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in | |
886 | Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA | |
887 | awareness." | |
888 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
889 | Admiration, n.: |
890 | Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. | |
891 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 892 | % |
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893 | Adolescence, n.: |
894 | The stage between puberty and adultery. | |
3dda02a9 | 895 | % |
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896 | "Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look |
897 | like you ..." | |
fcf2a2a2 | 898 | -- Gilda Radner |
3dda02a9 | 899 | % |
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900 | Adore, v.: |
901 | To venerate expectantly. | |
902 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 903 | % |
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904 | Adult, n.: |
905 | One old enough to know better. | |
3dda02a9 | 906 | % |
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907 | Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest |
908 | way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless. | |
909 | -- Sinclair Lewis | |
910 | % | |
911 | Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic, | |
912 | then at least be asceptic. | |
913 | % | |
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914 | After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose |
915 | names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary | |
916 | Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted | |
917 | many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi | |
918 | Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two | |
919 | different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current | |
920 | developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer | |
921 | attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led | |
922 | to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, | |
923 | skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously | |
924 | injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it | |
925 | hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact | |
926 | that it sinks like a stone. | |
927 | -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" | |
3dda02a9 | 928 | % |
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929 | After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out. |
930 | It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life | |
931 | more advanced than the lichen family. | |
932 | -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly | |
933 | Do" | |
934 | % | |
935 | After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. | |
3dda02a9 | 936 | % |
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937 | "... After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known |
938 | quotations." | |
58fe6ef4 | 939 | -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare |
3dda02a9 | 940 | % |
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941 | After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not |
942 | for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have | |
943 | simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. | |
944 | -- P. J. O'Rourke | |
3dda02a9 | 945 | % |
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946 | After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found |
947 | on the bench. | |
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948 | % |
949 | After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from | |
950 | Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, | |
951 | and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon | |
952 | to be created." | |
953 | "This is true," He replied. | |
954 | "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. | |
955 | "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the | |
956 | right to make his laws?" | |
957 | "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to | |
958 | make his own." | |
959 | It was so granted. | |
960 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
961 | % | |
962 | "After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of | |
963 | the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the | |
964 | cost to others, to win advancement." | |
965 | -- Norman Thomas | |
966 | % | |
967 | After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK? | |
968 | % | |
969 | After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe | |
970 | everything. Just in case. | |
3dda02a9 | 971 | % |
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972 | After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access |
973 | cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been | |
974 | removed. | |
3dda02a9 | 975 | % |
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976 | Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a |
977 | change. | |
978 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
979 | Afternoon, n.: |
980 | That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the | |
981 | morning. | |
3dda02a9 | 982 | % |
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983 | Age before beauty; and pearls before swine. |
984 | -- Dorothy Parker | |
985 | % | |
986 | Age, n.: | |
987 | That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we | |
988 | still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise | |
989 | to commit. | |
990 | -- Ambrose Bierce | |
991 | % | |
992 | Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball. | |
993 | % | |
994 | Ah, but the choice of dreams to live, | |
995 | there's the rub. | |
996 | ||
997 | For all dreams are not equal, | |
998 | some exit to nightmare | |
999 | most end with the dreamer | |
1000 | ||
1001 | But at least one must be lived ... and died. | |
1002 | % | |
1003 | "Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the | |
1004 | Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact | |
1005 | that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately | |
1006 | unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep | |
1007 | up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers." | |
1008 | -- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic | |
3dda02a9 | 1009 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 1010 | Air is water with holes in it |
3dda02a9 | 1011 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
1012 | Alas, I am dying beyond my means. |
1013 | -- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed | |
3dda02a9 | 1014 | % |
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1015 | Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire |
1016 | telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New | |
1017 | York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? | |
1018 | And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they | |
1019 | receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." | |
3dda02a9 | 1020 | % |
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1021 | Alden's Laws: |
1022 | (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause | |
1023 | of pregnancy. | |
1024 | (2) Always be backlit. | |
1025 | (3) Sit down whenever possible. | |
1026 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
1027 | Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, |
1028 | Aleph-null bottles of beer, | |
1029 | You take one down, and pass it around, | |
1030 | Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall. | |
3dda02a9 | 1031 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 1032 | Alex Haley was adopted! |
3dda02a9 | 1033 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
1034 | Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting |
1035 | for a dial tone. | |
3dda02a9 | 1036 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
1037 | Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of |
1038 | them keeps paying for it. | |
1039 | -- Peggy Joyce | |
3dda02a9 | 1040 | % |
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1041 | All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent |
1042 | upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a | |
1043 | visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is | |
1044 | informing, stimulating and ennobling. | |
1045 | -- H. L. Mencken | |
3dda02a9 | 1046 | % |
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1047 | All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely |
1048 | than others. | |
1049 | -- Alan Truscott | |
1050 | % | |
1051 | All extremists should be taken out and shot. | |
1052 | % | |
1053 | All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing | |
1054 | without thinking. | |
3dda02a9 | 1055 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
1056 | "All flesh is grass" |
1057 | -- Isiah | |
1058 | Smoke a friend today. | |
3dda02a9 | 1059 | % |
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1060 | All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. |
1061 | % | |
1062 | All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own | |
1063 | importance. | |
1064 | % | |
1065 | All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled | |
1066 | by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ... | |
1067 | % | |
1068 | All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power | |
1069 | -- Ashleigh Brilliant | |
1070 | % | |
1071 | All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are | |
1072 | Socrates. | |
1073 | -- Woody Allen | |
1074 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
1075 | "All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us |
1076 | sane." | |
3dda02a9 | 1077 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
1078 | "All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more |
1079 | specific." | |
1080 | -- Jane Wagner | |
1081 | % | |
1082 | All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies. | |
1083 | -- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr. | |
1084 | % | |
1085 | All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of | |
1086 | the United States. | |
1087 | -- Vic Gold | |
1088 | % | |
1089 | All power corrupts, but we need electricity. | |
1090 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 1091 | All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. |
3dda02a9 | 1092 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
1093 | All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of |
1094 | every organism to live beyond its income. | |
1095 | -- Samuel Butler | |
3dda02a9 | 1096 | % |
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1097 | All science is either physics or stamp collecting. |
1098 | -- E. Rutherford | |
3dda02a9 | 1099 | % |
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1100 | "All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right |
1101 | hands." | |
1102 | -- Saint Patrick | |
1103 | % | |
1104 | All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism. | |
1105 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
1106 | All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, |
1107 | too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you | |
1108 | subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you | |
1109 | can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. | |
1110 | Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax | |
1111 | decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What | |
1112 | if it rains?" | |
1113 | -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" | |
3dda02a9 | 1114 | % |
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1115 | "... all the modern inconveniences ..." |
1116 | -- Mark Twain | |
1117 | % | |
1118 | All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most | |
1119 | ridiculous ones. | |
1120 | -- La Rochefoucauld | |
1121 | % | |
1122 | All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by | |
1123 | the government in less than a second. | |
1124 | -- Jim Fiebig | |
1125 | % | |
1126 | All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. | |
1127 | -- Sean O'Casey | |
1128 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
1129 | All the world's a VAX, |
1130 | And all the coders merely butchers; | |
1131 | They have their exits and their entrails; | |
1132 | And one int in his time plays many widths, | |
fcf2a2a2 | 1133 | His sizeof being _\bN bytes. At first the infant, |
58fe6ef4 KB |
1134 | Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms. |
1135 | And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun, | |
1136 | And shining morning face, creeping like slug | |
1137 | Unwillingly to school. | |
1138 | -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11 | |
3dda02a9 | 1139 | % |
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1140 | All theoretical chemistry is really physics; |
1141 | and all theoretical chemists know it. | |
1142 | -- Richard P. Feynman | |
1143 | % | |
1144 | All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door. | |
3dda02a9 | 1145 | % |
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1146 | All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for |
1147 | fun. Money's just the way we keep score. | |
3dda02a9 | 1148 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 1149 | All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. |
3dda02a9 | 1150 | % |
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1151 | All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes |
1152 | infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in | |
1153 | which he was born. | |
1154 | -- Francois Fenelon | |
3dda02a9 | 1155 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
1156 | Alliance, n.: |
1157 | In international politics, the union of two thieves who have | |
1158 | their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot | |
1159 | separately plunder a third. | |
1160 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 1161 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
1162 | Alone, adj.: |
1163 | In bad company. | |
1164 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 1165 | % |
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1166 | Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight |
1167 | Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. | |
1168 | -- Dave Barry | |
1169 | % | |
1170 | Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away. | |
1171 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
1172 | Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, |
1173 | mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have | |
1174 | any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place | |
1175 | to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, | |
1176 | Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a | |
1177 | serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the | |
1178 | same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely | |
1179 | that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A | |
1180 | penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job | |
1181 | running the post office. | |
1182 | -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" | |
3dda02a9 | 1183 | % |
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1184 | Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been |
1185 | reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the | |
1186 | day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable | |
1187 | interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on | |
1188 | pheasant-raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, | |
1189 | and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper. | |
1190 | Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous | |
1191 | material in order to discover and savour those sidelights on the | |
1192 | management of a midland shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion | |
1193 | the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical | |
1194 | Gamekeeping." | |
1195 | -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959) | |
1196 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
1197 | Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid |
1198 | back. | |
3dda02a9 | 1199 | % |
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1200 | Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else. |
1201 | % | |
1202 | "Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing | |
1203 | that way." | |
1204 | % | |
1205 | Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves. | |
1206 | % | |
1207 | AMAZING BUT TRUE ... | |
1208 | ||
1209 | If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end | |
1210 | across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. | |
1211 | % | |
1212 | AMAZING BUT TRUE ... | |
1213 | ||
1214 | There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it | |
1215 | would completely cover the Sahara Desert. | |
1216 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
1217 | Ambidextrous, adj.: |
1218 | Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. | |
1219 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 1220 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
1221 | Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. |
1222 | -- Charlie McCarthy | |
3dda02a9 | 1223 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
1224 | America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism |
1225 | to decadence without touching civilization. | |
1226 | -- John O'Hara | |
3dda02a9 | 1227 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
1228 | America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, |
1229 | until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and | |
1230 | changed its name to "America". | |
1231 | -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" | |
3dda02a9 | 1232 | % |
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1233 | American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective |
1234 | employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for | |
1235 | employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference | |
1236 | between the men's room and the women's room without having little | |
1237 | pictures on the doors. | |
1238 | -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister" | |
1239 | % | |
1240 | "Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it." | |
1241 | % | |
1242 | An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because | |
1243 | people refuse to see it. | |
1244 | -- James Michener, "Space" | |
3dda02a9 | 1245 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
1246 | An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but |
1247 | is always polite to traffic cops. | |
3dda02a9 | 1248 | % |
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1249 | "An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to |
1250 | New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but | |
1251 | not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax." | |
1252 | -- David Letterman | |
1253 | % | |
1254 | An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away. | |
1255 | % | |
1256 | An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He | |
1257 | knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with | |
1258 | great restraint. | |
1259 | As he designs the first work, frill after frill and | |
1260 | embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away | |
1261 | to be used "next time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, | |
1262 | and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of | |
1263 | that class of systems, is ready to build a second system. | |
1264 | This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. | |
1265 | When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will | |
1266 | confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems, | |
1267 | and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that | |
1268 | are particular and not generalizable. | |
1269 | The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using | |
1270 | all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first | |
1271 | one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile". | |
1272 | -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" | |
1273 | % | |
1274 | An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it. | |
1275 | % | |
1276 | An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree | |
1277 | murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's | |
1278 | mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border. | |
1279 | Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the | |
1280 | suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a | |
1281 | murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..." | |
1282 | % | |
1283 | An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you | |
1284 | really care to know. | |
3dda02a9 | 1285 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 1286 | An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. |
3dda02a9 | 1287 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 1288 | An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. |
3dda02a9 | 1289 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
1290 | An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded |
1291 | summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your | |
1292 | arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey | |
1293 | responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!" | |
1294 | % | |
1295 | An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. | |
1296 | -- A. P. Herbert | |
1297 | % | |
1298 | An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He | |
1299 | wears a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is | |
1300 | advertised only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and | |
1301 | Rich Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
1302 | incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote |
1303 | excellence: | |
1304 | ||
1305 | "The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and | |
1306 | discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able | |
1307 | to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting | |
1308 | things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch | |
1309 | parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a | |
1310 | timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who | |
1311 | doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful. | |
1312 | Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high | |
1313 | school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as | |
1314 | successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and | |
1315 | they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha." | |
1316 | -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" | |
3dda02a9 | 1317 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
1318 | An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future. |
1319 | % | |
1320 | "... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often | |
1321 | picturesque liar." | |
1322 | -- Mark Twain | |
1323 | % | |
1324 | An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these | |
1325 | eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as | |
1326 | possible. | |
1327 | -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann" | |
1328 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 1329 | An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
1330 | % |
1331 | An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity | |
1332 | in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. | |
1333 | "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if | |
1334 | you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like | |
1335 | an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an | |
1336 | hour seems like a minute." | |
1337 | The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a | |
1338 | moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?" | |
1339 | -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" | |
1340 | % | |
1341 | "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge." | |
3dda02a9 | 1342 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
1343 | Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no |
1344 | government at all. | |
3dda02a9 | 1345 | % |
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1346 | And as we stand on the edge of darkness |
1347 | Let our chant fill the void | |
1348 | That others may know | |
1349 | ||
1350 | In the land of the night | |
1351 | The ship of the sun | |
1352 | Is drawn by | |
1353 | The grateful dead. | |
1354 | ||
1355 | -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC. | |
1356 | % | |
1357 | ... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers. | |
1358 | % | |
1359 | And I heard Jeff exclaim, | |
1360 | As they strolled out of sight, | |
1361 | "Merry Christmas to all -- | |
1362 | You take credit cards, right?" | |
1363 | -- "Outsiders" comic | |
1364 | % | |
1365 | ... And malt does more than Milton can | |
1366 | To justify God's ways to man | |
1367 | -- A. E. Housman | |
1368 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 1369 | And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. |
3dda02a9 | 1370 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
1371 | "... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of |
1372 | your own." | |
1373 | -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter | |
1374 | Preposterous Words | |
1375 | % | |
1376 | And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and | |
1377 | fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it | |
1378 | looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One | |
1379 | approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin | |
1380 | is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then | |
1381 | of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides | |
1382 | gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this | |
1383 | procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom | |
1384 | youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and | |
1385 | Orson Welles. | |
1386 | -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" | |
1387 | % | |
1388 | "...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a | |
1389 | courtesy detail." | |
1390 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
1391 | And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a |
1392 | horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical | |
1393 | columnar supports, which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, | |
1394 | ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the | |
1395 | world. | |
1396 | -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men" | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
1397 | % |
1398 | "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" | |
1399 | asked the father of his little son. | |
1400 | "Diet." | |
1401 | % | |
1402 | And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have | |
1403 | a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks | |
1404 | tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets | |
1405 | tragedy face to face, we have politics. | |
1406 | -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, "Root Crops and | |
1407 | Ground Cover" | |
1408 | % | |
1409 | Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes. | |
1410 | Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____\b\b\b\b\bneeds heroes. | |
1411 | -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo" | |
3dda02a9 | 1412 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
1413 | Angels we have heard on High |
1414 | Tell us to go out and Buy. | |
fcf2a2a2 | 1415 | -- Tom Lehrer |
3dda02a9 | 1416 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 1417 | Ankh if you love Isis. |
3dda02a9 | 1418 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
1419 | Anoint, v.: |
1420 | To grease a king or other great functionary already | |
1421 | sufficiently slippery. | |
1422 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
1423 | % |
1424 | Another Glitch in the Call | |
1425 | ------- ------ -- --- ---- | |
1426 | (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.) | |
1427 | ||
1428 | We don't need no indirection | |
1429 | We don't need no flow control | |
1430 | No data typing or declarations | |
1431 | Did you leave the lists alone? | |
1432 | ||
1433 | Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone! | |
1434 | ||
1435 | Chorus: | |
1436 | All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. | |
1437 | All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. | |
3dda02a9 | 1438 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 1439 | Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. |
3dda02a9 | 1440 | % |
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1441 | Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but |
1442 | television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom | |
1443 | and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that | |
1444 | offers whiter teeth *___\b\b\band* fresher breath. | |
1445 | -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly | |
1446 | Do" | |
1447 | % | |
1448 | Answers to Last Fortune's Questions: | |
1449 | ||
1450 | (1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark). | |
1451 | (2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. | |
1452 | (3) I don't know. | |
1453 | (4) Who cares? | |
1454 | (5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, | |
1455 | Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. | |
1456 | (6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my | |
1457 | book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and | |
1458 | bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of | |
1459 | Papyrus Books). | |
1460 | % | |
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1461 | Anthony's Law of Force: |
1462 | Don't force it; get a larger hammer. | |
3dda02a9 | 1463 | % |
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1464 | Anthony's Law of the Workshop: |
1465 | Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible | |
1466 | corner of the workshop. | |
1467 | ||
1468 | Corollary: | |
1469 | On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike | |
1470 | your toes. | |
3dda02a9 | 1471 | % |
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1472 | Antonym, n.: |
1473 | The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. | |
3dda02a9 | 1474 | % |
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1475 | Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art. |
1476 | -- Charles McCabe | |
1477 | % | |
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1478 | Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. |
1479 | -- Charles McCabe | |
3dda02a9 | 1480 | % |
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1481 | Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a |
1482 | representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a | |
1483 | representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone | |
1484 | capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously. | |
1485 | -- Richard Schickel | |
1486 | % | |
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1487 | Any excuse will serve a tyrant. |
1488 | -- Aesop | |
3dda02a9 | 1489 | % |
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1490 | Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that |
1491 | this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a | |
1492 | whole week. | |
1493 | % | |
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1494 | Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to |
1495 | sell it. | |
3dda02a9 | 1496 | % |
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1497 | Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche |
1498 | -- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, | |
1499 | my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off | |
1500 | the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was | |
1501 | undoubtedly true. | |
1502 | -- Solomon Short | |
1503 | % | |
1504 | Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there. | |
1505 | -- Sydney J. Harris | |
1506 | % | |
1507 | Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger | |
1508 | object. | |
1509 | % | |
1510 | Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to | |
1511 | exactly the point of most pressure. | |
1512 | -- Milt Barber | |
1513 | % | |
1514 | Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. | |
1515 | -- Rich Kulawiec | |
3dda02a9 | 1516 | % |
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1517 | Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged |
1518 | demo. | |
3dda02a9 | 1519 | % |
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1520 | Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. |
1521 | -- Arthur C. Clarke | |
3dda02a9 | 1522 | % |
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1523 | Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked |
1524 | something. | |
1525 | % | |
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1526 | Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. |
1527 | -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. | |
3dda02a9 | 1528 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 1529 | Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. |
3dda02a9 | 1530 | % |
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1531 | Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is |
1532 | probably parked. | |
3dda02a9 | 1533 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 1534 | Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. |
3dda02a9 | 1535 | % |
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1536 | Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is |
1537 | supposed to be doing at the moment. | |
1538 | -- Robert Benchley | |
1539 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 1540 | Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. |
1b620017 | 1541 | -- Publius Syrus |
3dda02a9 | 1542 | % |
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1543 | Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with |
1544 | none. | |
1545 | % | |
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1546 | Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he |
1547 | is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not | |
1548 | make messes in the house. | |
1549 | -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" | |
3dda02a9 | 1550 | % |
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1551 | Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. |
1552 | -- Samuel Goldwyn | |
3dda02a9 | 1553 | % |
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1554 | Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad. |
1555 | -- W. C. Fields | |
3dda02a9 | 1556 | % |
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1557 | Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no |
1558 | account be allowed to do the job. | |
1559 | -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" | |
3dda02a9 | 1560 | % |
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1561 | Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never |
1562 | tried taking candy from a baby. | |
1563 | -- Robin Hood | |
1564 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 1565 | Anything free is worth what you pay for it. |
3dda02a9 | 1566 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 1567 | Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate. |
3dda02a9 | 1568 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 1569 | Anything is good if it's made of chocolate. |
3dda02a9 | 1570 | % |
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1571 | Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the |
1572 | price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" | |
1573 | means the price went way up. | |
3dda02a9 | 1574 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 1575 | Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate. |
3dda02a9 | 1576 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 1577 | Anything worth doing is worth overdoing |
3dda02a9 | 1578 | % |
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1579 | "Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution" |
1580 | % | |
1581 | Aphorism, n.: | |
1582 | A concise, clever statement. | |
1583 | Afterism, n.: | |
1584 | A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. | |
1585 | -- James Alexander Thom | |
1586 | % | |
1587 | APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of | |
1588 | the future for the problems of the past: it creates a new generation of | |
1589 | coding bums. | |
1590 | % | |
1591 | "APL is a write-only language. I can write programs in APL, but I | |
1592 | can't read any of them." | |
1593 | -- Roy Keir | |
3dda02a9 | 1594 | % |
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1595 | Aquadextrous, adj.: |
1596 | Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off | |
1597 | with your toes. | |
1598 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" | |
3dda02a9 | 1599 | % |
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1600 | AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) |
1601 | You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. | |
1602 | You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to | |
1603 | be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same | |
1604 | mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid. | |
1605 | % | |
1606 | Arbitrary systems, pl.n.: | |
1607 | Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing | |
1608 | general can be said." | |
1609 | % | |
1610 | ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE -- | |
1611 | FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE | |
1612 | % | |
1613 | Are you a turtle? | |
1614 | % | |
1615 | Are you a turtle? | |
1616 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
1617 | "Arguments with furniture are rarely productive." |
1618 | -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" | |
3dda02a9 | 1619 | % |
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1620 | ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) |
1621 | You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You | |
1622 | are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are | |
1623 | not very nice. | |
1624 | % | |
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1625 | Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your |
1626 | shoes. | |
1627 | -- Mickey Mouse | |
3dda02a9 | 1628 | % |
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1629 | Armadillo: |
1630 | To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle | |
3dda02a9 | 1631 | % |
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1632 | Arnold's Laws of Documentation: |
1633 | (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. | |
1634 | (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. | |
1635 | (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the | |
1636 | first two laws. | |
3dda02a9 | 1637 | % |
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1638 | Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to |
1639 | measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you | |
1640 | imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long? | |
1641 | -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 | |
1642 | % | |
1643 | Art is anything you can get away with. | |
1644 | -- Marshall McLuhan. | |
1645 | % | |
1646 | Art is either plagiarism or revolution. | |
1647 | -- Paul Gauguin | |
1648 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
1649 | Arthur's Laws of Love: |
1650 | (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you | |
1651 | remind them of someone else. | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
1652 | (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be |
1653 | delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of | |
1654 | yourself in person. | |
3dda02a9 | 1655 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 1656 | Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. |
3dda02a9 | 1657 | % |
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1658 | As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are |
1659 | interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick | |
1660 | perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, | |
1661 | "that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ... | |
1662 | -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" | |
1663 | % | |
1664 | "As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual | |
1665 | certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I | |
1666 | became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can | |
1667 | meet girls." | |
1668 | -- Matt Cartmill | |
1669 | % | |
1670 | As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not | |
1671 | certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. | |
1672 | -- Albert Einstein | |
1673 | % | |
1674 | As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. | |
1675 | -- Weisert | |
1676 | % | |
1677 | As I was going up Punch Card Hill, | |
1678 | Feeling worse and worser, | |
1679 | There I met a C.R.T. | |
1680 | And it drop't me a cursor. | |
1681 | ||
1682 | C.R.T., C.R.T., | |
1683 | Phosphors light on you! | |
1684 | If I had fifty hours a day | |
1685 | I'd spend them all at you. | |
1686 | ||
1687 | -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes | |
1688 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
1689 | As I was passing Project MAC, |
1690 | I met a Quux with seven hacks. | |
1691 | Every hack had seven bugs; | |
1692 | Every bug had seven manifestations; | |
1693 | Every manifestation had seven symptoms. | |
1694 | Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks, | |
1695 | How many losses at Project MAC? | |
3dda02a9 | 1696 | % |
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1697 | As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great |
1698 | industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free | |
1699 | speech and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to | |
1700 | myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a | |
1701 | real American talk like that. | |
1702 | -- Frank Hague (1896-1956) | |
3dda02a9 | 1703 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 1704 | As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? |
3dda02a9 | 1705 | % |
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1706 | As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its |
1707 | fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be | |
1708 | popular. | |
1709 | -- Oscar Wilde | |
3dda02a9 | 1710 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 1711 | As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. |
3dda02a9 | 1712 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 1713 | "As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
1714 | programs; a process that traditionally requires some debugging." |
1715 | -- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new | |
1716 | computer system. | |
3dda02a9 | 1717 | % |
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1718 | As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it |
1719 | wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had | |
1720 | to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized | |
1721 | that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in | |
1722 | finding mistakes in my own programs. | |
1723 | -- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949 | |
3dda02a9 | 1724 | % |
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1725 | As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's |
1726 | so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. | |
1727 | -- Woody Allen | |
3dda02a9 | 1728 | % |
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1729 | As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there |
1730 | is always a future in Computer Maintenance. | |
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1731 | -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" |
1732 | % | |
1733 | As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free | |
1734 | variable." | |
3dda02a9 | 1735 | % |
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1736 | As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple |
1737 | memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time | |
1738 | to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, | |
1739 | E, or U is the proper time for chocolate. | |
1740 | -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion" | |
3dda02a9 | 1741 | % |
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1742 | As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would |
1743 | interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the | |
1744 | Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure | |
1745 | out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on | |
1746 | Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual | |
1747 | organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result, | |
1748 | birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never | |
1749 | see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and | |
1750 | stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations | |
1751 | with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are | |
1752 | talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both | |
1753 | highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant. | |
1754 | -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every | |
1755 | Teen Should Know" | |
1756 | % | |
1757 | As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull | |
1758 | your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you. | |
1759 | The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along | |
1760 | with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall | |
1761 | from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all | |
1762 | over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of | |
1763 | a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the | |
1764 | spider is suing you for damages. | |
1765 | % | |
1766 | As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself." | |
1767 | % | |
1768 | ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS. | |
1769 | % | |
1770 | Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if | |
1771 | one went to Harvard). | |
1772 | -- Edgar R. Fiedler | |
1773 | % | |
1774 | Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls. | |
1775 | % | |
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1776 | Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the |
1777 | Station-to-Station rate. | |
3dda02a9 | 1778 | % |
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1779 | Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the |
1780 | bathtub, it tolls for thee. | |
3dda02a9 | 1781 | % |
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1782 | Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell" |
1783 | for an answer. | |
3dda02a9 | 1784 | % |
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1785 | "Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old |
1786 | woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it, | |
1787 | she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'" | |
1788 | -- David Letterman | |
1789 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
1790 | Ass, n.: |
1791 | The masculine of "lass". | |
3dda02a9 | 1792 | % |
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1793 | Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. |
1794 | Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be | |
1795 | strengthened. Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum. | |
1796 | Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check | |
1797 | and dying broke. | |
1798 | -- Stanley Walker | |
1799 | % | |
1800 | "At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los | |
1801 | Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head | |
1802 | under the exhaust of a bus until he revived." | |
1803 | % | |
1804 | At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is | |
1805 | not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where | |
1806 | it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest. | |
1807 | -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow | |
1808 | % | |
1809 | At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial | |
1810 | challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. | |
1811 | -- The Washington Post Magazine, 9 June, 1985 | |
1812 | % | |
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1813 | At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial |
1814 | challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. | |
1815 | -- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985 | |
3dda02a9 | 1816 | % |
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1817 | ... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. |
1818 | -- J. B. White | |
1819 | % | |
1820 | "At least they're ___________\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\bEXPERIENCED incompetents" | |
1821 | % | |
1822 | At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his | |
1823 | thumb with a hammer. | |
1824 | -- Marshall Lumsden | |
3dda02a9 | 1825 | % |
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1826 | At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will |
1827 | find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on | |
1828 | the computer. | |
3dda02a9 | 1829 | % |
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1830 | Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole |
1831 | or street lamp. | |
1832 | % | |
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1833 | Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. |
1834 | -- Winston Churchill | |
3dda02a9 | 1835 | % |
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1836 | Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever |
1837 | depths they were once able to plumb. | |
1838 | -- Stanley Kaufman | |
1839 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
1840 | Automobile, n.: |
1841 | A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down | |
1842 | pedestrians. | |
3dda02a9 | 1843 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 1844 | Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. |
fcf2a2a2 | 1845 | -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" |
3dda02a9 | 1846 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 1847 | Avoid reality at all costs. |
3dda02a9 | 1848 | % |
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1849 | "Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but |
1850 | we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you." | |
1851 | -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student | |
3dda02a9 | 1852 | % |
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1853 | Bacchus, n.: |
1854 | A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for | |
1855 | getting drunk. | |
1856 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 1857 | % |
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1858 | Bagbiter: |
1859 | 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually | |
1860 | intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This | |
1861 | bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on | |
1862 | obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the | |
1863 | bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS, | |
1864 | CHOMPER, CHOMPING. | |
1865 | % | |
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1866 | Bagdikian's Observation: |
1867 | Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
1868 | newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a |
1869 | ukelele. | |
3dda02a9 | 1870 | % |
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1871 | Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: |
1872 | A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides | |
fcf2a2a2 | 1873 | by governors. |
3dda02a9 | 1874 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 1875 | Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare. |
3dda02a9 | 1876 | % |
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1877 | Banectomy, n.: |
1878 | The removal of bruises on a banana. | |
1879 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" | |
1880 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 1881 | Bank error in your favor. Collect $200. |
3dda02a9 | 1882 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
1883 | Barach's Rule: |
1884 | An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
1885 | physician. |
1886 | % | |
1887 | Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the | |
1888 | floor -- especially in the dark. | |
3dda02a9 | 1889 | % |
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1890 | Barometer, n.: |
1891 | An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we | |
1892 | are having. | |
1893 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
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1895 | Barth's Distinction: |
1896 | There are two types of people: those who divide people into two | |
fcf2a2a2 | 1897 | types, and those who don't. |
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1899 | Baruch's Observation: |
1900 | If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. | |
3dda02a9 | 1901 | % |
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1902 | Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high |
1903 | taxes. | |
1904 | -- Will Rogers | |
1905 | % | |
1906 | Basic is a high level languish. | |
1907 | APL is a high level anguish. | |
1908 | % | |
1909 | "BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'." | |
1910 | % | |
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1911 | Basic, n.: |
1912 | A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in | |
1913 | that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. | |
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1915 | Bathquake, n.: |
1916 | The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water | |
1917 | faucet is turned on to a certain point. | |
1918 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" | |
1919 | % | |
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1920 | Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your |
1921 | door. | |
3dda02a9 | 1922 | % |
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1923 | BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...) |
1924 | % | |
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1925 | Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely |
1926 | get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your | |
1927 | face. | |
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1928 | -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" |
1929 | % | |
1930 | Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps. | |
3dda02a9 | 1931 | % |
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1932 | Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. |
1933 | -- Mark Twain | |
3dda02a9 | 1934 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 1935 | Be different: conform. |
3dda02a9 | 1936 | % |
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1937 | Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so |
1938 | get used to it. | |
3dda02a9 | 1939 | % |
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1940 | Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake. |
1941 | % | |
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1942 | Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and |
1943 | miss | |
1944 | -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" | |
3dda02a9 | 1945 | % |
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1946 | Bees are very busy souls |
1947 | They have no time for birth controls | |
1948 | And that is why in times like these | |
1949 | There are so many Sons of Bees. | |
1950 | % | |
1951 | Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and | |
1952 | took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his | |
1953 | followers. | |
1954 | One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and | |
1955 | there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing. | |
1956 | "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his | |
1957 | commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your | |
1958 | Purpose in Life, anyway?" | |
1959 | Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The | |
1960 | Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.) | |
1961 | Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. | |
1962 | Primarily because nobody understood Chinese. | |
1963 | -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" | |
1964 | % | |
1965 | Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's | |
1966 | ego. | |
1967 | % | |
1968 | Begathon, n.: | |
1969 | A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so | |
1970 | you won't have to watch commercials. | |
1971 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
1972 | Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh |
1973 | away. | |
3dda02a9 | 1974 | % |
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1975 | Beifeld's Principle: |
1976 | The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
1977 | receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is |
1978 | already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better | |
1979 | looking and richer male friend. | |
1980 | % | |
1981 | "Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff> | |
1982 | % | |
1983 | "Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff> | |
3dda02a9 | 1984 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 1985 | Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone. |
3dda02a9 | 1986 | % |
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1987 | Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: |
1988 | (1) Houses are for people to live in. | |
1989 | (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. | |
1990 | (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant. | |
1991 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
1992 | "Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence" |
1993 | -- Time Bandits | |
3dda02a9 | 1994 | % |
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1995 | Besides the device, the box should contain: |
1996 | ||
1997 | * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" | |
1998 | ||
1999 | * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two | |
2000 | club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. | |
2001 | ||
2002 | YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram | |
2003 | cable. | |
2004 | ||
2005 | IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your | |
2006 | spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car | |
2007 | that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King | |
2008 | without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's | |
2009 | why." | |
2010 | ||
2011 | WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. | |
2012 | -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" | |
3dda02a9 | 2013 | % |
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2014 | Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon. |
2015 | % | |
2016 | better !pout !cry | |
2017 | better watchout | |
2018 | lpr why | |
2019 | santa claus <north pole >town | |
2020 | ||
2021 | cat /etc/passwd >list | |
2022 | ncheck list | |
2023 | ncheck list | |
2024 | cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist | |
2025 | cat list | grep nice >giftlist | |
2026 | santa claus <north pole > town | |
2027 | ||
2028 | who | grep sleeping | |
2029 | who | grep awake | |
2030 | who | egrep 'bad|good' | |
2031 | for (goodness sake) { | |
2032 | be good | |
2033 | } | |
2034 | % | |
2035 | Better dead than mellow. | |
2036 | % | |
2037 | Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson | |
2038 | Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. | |
2039 | Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and | |
2040 | great effort pushing boulders into a single word. | |
2041 | ||
2042 | It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow. | |
2043 | Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin | |
2044 | equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the | |
2045 | destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass | |
2046 | both Parliament and Party. | |
2047 | ||
2048 | It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other | |
2049 | planets, this may be the first message received from us. | |
2050 | -- The Realist, November, 1964. | |
3dda02a9 | 2051 | % |
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2052 | "Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not |
2053 | tried it." | |
2054 | -- Donald Knuth | |
3dda02a9 | 2055 | % |
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2056 | Beware of computerized fortune-tellers! |
2057 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 2058 | Beware of low-flying butterflies. |
3dda02a9 | 2059 | % |
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2060 | Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. |
2061 | -- Leonard Brandwein | |
2062 | % | |
2063 | Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a | |
2064 | drip under pressure. | |
3dda02a9 | 2065 | % |
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2066 | "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and |
2067 | finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of | |
2068 | murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by | |
2069 | their ignorance the hard way." | |
2070 | -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle" | |
3dda02a9 | 2071 | % |
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2072 | Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but |
2073 | nothing of interest is easy. | |
2074 | % | |
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2075 | Binary, adj.: |
2076 | Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes. | |
3dda02a9 | 2077 | % |
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2078 | "Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same |
2079 | thing as division." | |
2080 | % | |
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2081 | Bipolar, adj.: |
2082 | Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, | |
2083 | New York | |
3dda02a9 | 2084 | % |
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2085 | Birth, n.: |
2086 | The first and direst of all disasters. | |
2087 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 2088 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 2089 | Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic |
3dda02a9 | 2090 | % |
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2091 | Bizoos, n.: |
2092 | The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a | |
2093 | basketball. | |
2094 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" | |
2095 | % | |
2096 | ... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ... | |
2097 | % | |
2098 | Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt. | |
2099 | % | |
2100 | Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as | |
2101 | Wheels. | |
2102 | % | |
2103 | BLISS is ignorance | |
2104 | % | |
2105 | Blood flows down one leg and up the other. | |
3dda02a9 | 2106 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 2107 | Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier. |
3dda02a9 | 2108 | % |
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2109 | Blore's Razor: |
2110 | Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is | |
2111 | funnier. | |
2112 | % | |
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2113 | Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in |
2114 | plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has | |
2115 | it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was | |
2116 | arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept | |
2117 | throwing up on them. | |
3dda02a9 | 2118 | % |
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2119 | Boling's postulate: |
2120 | If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. | |
3dda02a9 | 2121 | % |
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2122 | Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: |
2123 | Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so | |
fcf2a2a2 | 2124 | vividly manifests their lack of progress. |
3dda02a9 | 2125 | % |
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2126 | Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: |
2127 | Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. | |
3dda02a9 | 2128 | % |
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2129 | BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH! |
2130 | % | |
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2131 | Boob's Law: |
2132 | You always find something in the last place you look. | |
3dda02a9 | 2133 | % |
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2134 | Bore, n.: |
2135 | A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary. | |
2136 | -- Walter Winchell | |
2137 | % | |
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2138 | Bore, n.: |
2139 | A person who talks when you wish him to listen. | |
2140 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 2141 | % |
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2142 | Boren's Laws: |
2143 | (1) When in charge, ponder. | |
2144 | (2) When in trouble, delegate. | |
2145 | (3) When in doubt, mumble. | |
3dda02a9 | 2146 | % |
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2147 | Boss, n.: |
2148 | According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages | |
2149 | the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, | |
2150 | in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an | |
2151 | ornamental stud." | |
3dda02a9 | 2152 | % |
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2153 | Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry |
2154 | that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation | |
2155 | straightened out for a crowbar. | |
2156 | -- O. W. Holmes | |
2157 | % | |
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2158 | Boston, n.: |
2159 | Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for | |
2160 | finishing second in the Irish jig competition. | |
3dda02a9 | 2161 | % |
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2162 | "Boy, life takes a long time to live |
2163 | -- Steven Wright | |
2164 | % | |
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2165 | Boy, n.: |
2166 | A noise with dirt on it. | |
3dda02a9 | 2167 | % |
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2168 | Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least |
2169 | when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years. | |
2170 | -- James Thurber | |
2171 | % | |
2172 | Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. | |
2173 | -- Kin Hubbard | |
2174 | % | |
2175 | Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the | |
2176 | unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only | |
2177 | (gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend | |
2178 | to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.' | |
2179 | -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking | |
2180 | Style" | |
2181 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
2182 | Bradley's Bromide: |
2183 | If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a | |
fcf2a2a2 | 2184 | committee -- that will do them in. |
3dda02a9 | 2185 | % |
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2186 | Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: |
2187 | When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
2188 | easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have |
2189 | handled this?" | |
3dda02a9 | 2190 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 2191 | Brain fried -- Core dumped |
3dda02a9 | 2192 | % |
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2193 | Brain, n.: |
2194 | The apparatus with which we think that we think. | |
2195 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 2196 | % |
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2197 | Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]: |
2198 | To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of | |
2199 | error in an opponent. | |
2200 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 2201 | % |
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2202 | Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, |
2203 | since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind. | |
2204 | -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" | |
3dda02a9 | 2205 | % |
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2206 | Bride, n.: |
2207 | A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. | |
2208 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 2209 | % |
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2210 | Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may |
2211 | revitalize the corner saloon. | |
3dda02a9 | 2212 | % |
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2213 | British Israelites: |
2214 | The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of | |
2215 | Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by | |
2216 | Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further | |
2217 | believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the | |
2218 | Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in | |
2219 | the hand of the Arabs. They also believe that if you sleep with your | |
2220 | head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth. | |
2221 | -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" | |
3dda02a9 | 2222 | % |
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2223 | Broad-mindedness, n.: |
2224 | The result of flattening high-mindedness out. | |
3dda02a9 | 2225 | % |
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2226 | Brontosaurus Principle: |
2227 | Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them | |
2228 | in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when | |
2229 | this occurs, they are an endangered species. | |
2230 | -- Thomas K. Connellan | |
3dda02a9 | 2231 | % |
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2232 | Brook's Law: |
2233 | Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later | |
3dda02a9 | 2234 | % |
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2235 | Brooke's Law: |
2236 | Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool | |
2237 | discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it | |
2238 | beyond recognition. | |
2239 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
2240 | Bubble Memory, n.: |
2241 | A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's | |
2242 | intelligence. See also "vacuum tube". | |
3dda02a9 | 2243 | % |
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2244 | Bucy's Law: |
2245 | Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. | |
3dda02a9 | 2246 | % |
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2247 | Bug, n.: |
2248 | An aspect of a computer program which exists because the | |
fcf2a2a2 | 2249 | programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he |
58fe6ef4 KB |
2250 | wrote the program. |
2251 | ||
2252 | Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed. | |
2253 | -- Ray Simard | |
3dda02a9 | 2254 | % |
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2255 | Bugs, pl. n.: |
2256 | Small living things that small living boys throw on small | |
2257 | living girls. | |
2258 | % | |
2259 | BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the | |
2260 | outfit." | |
2261 | GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?" | |
2262 | BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..." | |
2263 | -- Jay Ward | |
2264 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
2265 | Bumper sticker: |
2266 | ||
2267 | "All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British | |
2268 | manufacture" | |
3dda02a9 | 2269 | % |
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2270 | Bureaucrat, n.: |
2271 | A person who cuts red tape sideways. | |
2272 | -- J. McCabe | |
2273 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
2274 | Bureaucrat, n.: |
2275 | A politician who has tenure. | |
3dda02a9 | 2276 | % |
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2277 | Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise. |
2278 | % | |
2279 | Burn's Hog Weighing Method: | |
2280 | (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a | |
2281 | sawhorse. | |
2282 | (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank. | |
2283 | (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again | |
2284 | perfectly balanced. | |
2285 | (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks. | |
2286 | -- Robert Burns | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
2287 | % |
2288 | ... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can | |
2289 | easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed | |
2290 | and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) | |
2291 | upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was | |
2292 | without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based | |
2293 | on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court | |
2294 | was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and | |
2295 | sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, | |
2296 | human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. | |
2297 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
2298 | % | |
2299 | "But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations | |
2300 | paws." | |
2301 | % | |
2302 | "But I don't like Spam!!!!" | |
2303 | % | |
2304 | ... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human | |
2305 | intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as | |
2306 | we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues | |
2307 | that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding | |
2308 | of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard | |
2309 | example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- | |
2310 | makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing | |
2311 | whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a | |
2312 | finite or an infinite number. | |
2313 | -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds" | |
2314 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
2315 | But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the |
2316 | system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, | |
2317 | analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. | |
2318 | -- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing | |
2319 | Compilers" | |
3dda02a9 | 2320 | % |
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2321 | "But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast |
2322 | to the nearest gas station." | |
2323 | % | |
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2324 | But scientists, who ought to know |
2325 | Assure us that it must be so. | |
2326 | Oh, let us never, never doubt | |
2327 | What nobody is sure about. | |
2328 | -- Hilaire Belloc | |
3dda02a9 | 2329 | % |
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2330 | But soft you, the fair Ophelia: |
2331 | Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, | |
2332 | But get thee to a nunnery -- go! | |
2333 | -- Mark "The Bard" Twain | |
3dda02a9 | 2334 | % |
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2335 | But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who |
2336 | was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal | |
2337 | education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in | |
2338 | 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of | |
2339 | American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was | |
2340 | invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he | |
2341 | invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant | |
2342 | adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends | |
2343 | electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the | |
2344 | electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant | |
2345 | part) sends it right back to the customer again. | |
2346 | ||
2347 | This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch | |
2348 | of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since | |
2349 | very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. | |
2350 | In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United | |
2351 | States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it | |
2352 | ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate | |
2353 | increases. | |
2354 | -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" | |
3dda02a9 | 2355 | % |
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2356 | "But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad |
2357 | place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. | |
2358 | Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What is a | |
2359 | kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs, | |
2360 | poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I | |
2361 | explained yet about the bytes?" | |
3dda02a9 | 2362 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
2363 | ... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject. |
2364 | -- Virginia Masters | |
2365 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
2366 | "But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable |
2367 | computers?" | |
3dda02a9 | 2368 | % |
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2369 | Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes |
2370 | Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn; | |
2371 | Less dear than army ants in apple pies | |
2372 | Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn, | |
2373 | Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit; | |
2374 | Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose | |
2375 | They suck, and like the double-breasted suit | |
2376 | Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose, | |
2377 | Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed; | |
2378 | And stem the produce of thy waspish wits: | |
2379 | Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed; | |
2380 | Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits. | |
2381 | Be off, I say; go bug somebody new, | |
2382 | Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you. | |
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2384 | By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task |
2385 | completely overwhelm you. | |
3dda02a9 | 2386 | % |
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2387 | "By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact, |
2388 | it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to | |
2389 | invent. (R. Emerson)" | |
2390 | -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program | |
2391 | (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.") | |
2392 | [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to | |
2393 | misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"] | |
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2395 | "By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began |
2396 | to suspect 'Hungry' ..." | |
2397 | -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side" | |
2398 | % | |
2399 | By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's, I | |
2400 | mean. | |
2401 | -- Mark Twain | |
2402 | % | |
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2403 | Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to |
2404 | point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very | |
2405 | fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are | |
2406 | often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people | |
2407 | from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B | |
2408 | that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____\b\b\b\b\bthere. They often | |
2409 | wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell | |
2410 | they wanted to be. | |
2411 | -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" | |
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2413 | C, n.: |
2414 | A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more | |
2415 | like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or | |
2416 | anything else. It is either the best language available to the art | |
2417 | today, or it isn't. | |
2418 | -- Ray Simard | |
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2420 | Cabbage, n.: |
2421 | A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as | |
2422 | a man's head. | |
2423 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 2424 | % |
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2425 | "Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception." |
2426 | -- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989 | |
2427 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
2428 | Cahn's Axiom: |
2429 | When all else fails, read the instructions. | |
3dda02a9 | 2430 | % |
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2431 | California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange. |
2432 | -- Fred Allen | |
3dda02a9 | 2433 | % |
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2434 | California, n.: |
2435 | From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or | |
2436 | Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or | |
2437 | "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." | |
2438 | -- Ed Moran | |
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2440 | Call on God, but row away from the rocks. |
2441 | -- Indian proverb | |
3dda02a9 | 2442 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 2443 | "Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target |
58fe6ef4 | 2444 | Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept." |
3dda02a9 | 2445 | % |
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2446 | "Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle." |
2447 | -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth | |
3dda02a9 | 2448 | % |
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2449 | "Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth |
2450 | Corner, Vermont." | |
2451 | -- Clarence Darrow | |
3dda02a9 | 2452 | % |
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2453 | Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two |
2454 | points. | |
2455 | -- M. M. Johnston | |
2456 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
2457 | Canada Bill Jone's Motto: |
2458 | It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. | |
2459 | ||
2460 | Supplement: | |
2461 | A .44 magnum beats four aces. | |
3dda02a9 | 2462 | % |
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2463 | Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents |
2464 | for postage and 30 cents for storage. | |
2465 | -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial | |
2466 | Post | |
3dda02a9 | 2467 | % |
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2468 | Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain? |
2469 | Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, | |
2470 | A root or two, a torus and a node: | |
2471 | The inverse of my verse, a null domain. | |
2472 | -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" | |
3dda02a9 | 2473 | % |
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2474 | CANCER (June 21 - July 22) |
2475 | You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's | |
2476 | problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things | |
2477 | off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare | |
2478 | recipients are Cancer people. | |
2479 | % | |
2480 | Canonical, adj.: | |
2481 | The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true | |
2482 | story: One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some | |
2483 | annoyance at the use of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a | |
2484 | point of using jargon as much as possible in his presence, and | |
2485 | eventually it began to sink in. Finally, in one conversation, he used | |
2486 | the word "canonical" in jargon-like fashion without thinking. | |
2487 | Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!" | |
2488 | Stallman: "What did he say?" | |
2489 | Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way." | |
2490 | % | |
2491 | CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) | |
2492 | You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do | |
2493 | much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any | |
2494 | importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as | |
2495 | they take root and become trees. | |
2496 | % | |
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2497 | Captain Penny's Law: |
2498 | You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of | |
fcf2a2a2 | 2499 | the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. |
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2501 | Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than |
2502 | expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to | |
2503 | complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their | |
2504 | planning to reduce the time it takes. | |
3dda02a9 | 2505 | % |
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2506 | Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and |
2507 | trousers that don't match. | |
2508 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
2509 | Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.: |
2510 | The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a | |
2511 | dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then | |
2512 | putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. | |
2513 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" | |
3dda02a9 | 2514 | % |
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2515 | Cat, n.: |
2516 | Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer. | |
2517 | % | |
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2518 | Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education. |
2519 | -- Mark Twain | |
3dda02a9 | 2520 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 2521 | Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health. |
3dda02a9 | 2522 | % |
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2523 | CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. |
2524 | % | |
2525 | Cecil, you're my final hope | |
2526 | Of finding out the true Straight Dope | |
2527 | For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat | |
2528 | But none of my cats are at all like that. | |
2529 | This unusual animal (so it is said) | |
2530 | Is simultaneously alive and dead! | |
2531 | What I don't understand is just why he | |
2532 | Can't be one or the other, unquestionably. | |
2533 | My future now hangs in between eigenstates. | |
2534 | In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't. | |
2535 | If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way | |
2536 | And rescue my psyche from quantum decay. | |
2537 | But if this queer thing has perplexed even you, | |
2538 | Then I will *___\b\b\band* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo. | |
2539 | -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium | |
2540 | of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams | |
2541 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 2542 | Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. |
3dda02a9 | 2543 | % |
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2544 | Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the |
2545 | center of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation | |
2546 | works. An incorrect model can be a useful tool. | |
2547 | -- Kelvin Throop III | |
2548 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
2549 | Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, |
2550 | how many? | |
3dda02a9 | 2551 | % |
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2552 | Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. |
2553 | Jaka: Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something | |
2554 | Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy | |
2555 | out of it? | |
2556 | Jaka: Ugh! | |
2557 | Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy? | |
2558 | -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret" | |
3dda02a9 | 2559 | % |
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2560 | Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long |
2561 | walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They | |
2562 | then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy | |
2563 | health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, | |
2564 | not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find | |
2565 | only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the | |
2566 | others who have tried it. | |
2567 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 2568 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 2569 | Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny-- |
fcf2a2a2 | 2570 | Did you ever try buying them without money? |
58fe6ef4 | 2571 | -- Ogden Nash |
3dda02a9 | 2572 | % |
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2573 | Chapter 1 |
2574 | ||
2575 | The story so far: | |
2576 | ||
2577 | In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot | |
2578 | of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. | |
2579 | % | |
2580 | Character Density, n.: | |
2581 | The number of very weird people in the office. | |
2582 | % | |
2583 | Checkuary, n.: | |
2584 | The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and | |
2585 | ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his | |
2586 | checks. | |
2587 | % | |
2588 | Chef, n.: | |
2589 | Any cook who swears in French. | |
3dda02a9 | 2590 | % |
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2591 | Chemicals, n.: |
2592 | Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. | |
3dda02a9 | 2593 | % |
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2594 | Chemistry is applied theology. |
2595 | -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III | |
2596 | % | |
2597 | Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire. | |
2598 | % | |
2599 | Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36: | |
2600 | Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn | |
2601 | headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer". | |
2602 | -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81 | |
2603 | % | |
2604 | Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84: | |
2605 | The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request | |
2606 | for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will | |
2607 | cheerfully baste you. | |
2608 | -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82 | |
2609 | % | |
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2610 | Chicago, n.: |
2611 | Where the dead still vote ... early and often! | |
3dda02a9 | 2612 | % |
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2613 | Chicken Little only has to be right once. |
2614 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 2615 | Chicken Little was right. |
3dda02a9 | 2616 | % |
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2617 | Chicken Soup, n.: |
2618 | An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, | |
2619 | cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure | |
2620 | is neurotic dependence on one's mother. | |
2621 | -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" | |
3dda02a9 | 2622 | % |
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2623 | Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every |
2624 | effort to teach them good manners. | |
3dda02a9 | 2625 | % |
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2626 | Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're |
2627 | going to catch you in next. | |
2628 | -- Franklin P. Jones | |
2629 | % | |
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2630 | Children aren't happy without something to ignore, |
2631 | And that's what parents were created for. | |
2632 | -- Ogden Nash | |
3dda02a9 | 2633 | % |
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2634 | Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for |
2635 | word what you shouldn't have said. | |
3dda02a9 | 2636 | % |
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2637 | Chism's Law of Completion: |
2638 | The amount of time required to complete a government project is | |
fcf2a2a2 | 2639 | precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. |
3dda02a9 | 2640 | % |
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2641 | Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: |
2642 | When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. | |
3dda02a9 | 2643 | % |
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2644 | Chivalry, Schmivalry! |
2645 | Roger the thief has a | |
2646 | method he uses for | |
2647 | sneaky attacks: | |
2648 | Folks who are reading are | |
2649 | Characteristically | |
2650 | Always Forgetting to | |
2651 | Guard their own bac ... | |
2652 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
2653 | Christ: |
2654 | A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time. | |
3dda02a9 | 2655 | % |
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2656 | Churchill's Commentary on Man: |
2657 | Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the | |
fcf2a2a2 | 2658 | time he will pick himself up and continue on. |
3dda02a9 | 2659 | % |
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2660 | Cigarette, n.: |
2661 | A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in | |
2662 | between. | |
3dda02a9 | 2663 | % |
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2664 | Cinemuck, n.: |
2665 | The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which | |
2666 | covers the floors of movie theaters. | |
2667 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" | |
3dda02a9 | 2668 | % |
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2669 | Clairvoyant, n.: |
2670 | A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that | |
2671 | which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead. | |
2672 | -- Ambrose Bierce | |
3dda02a9 | 2673 | % |
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2674 | Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like |
2675 | shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. | |
2676 | -- Phyllis Diller | |
2677 | % | |
2678 | Cleanliness is next to impossible. | |
3dda02a9 | 2679 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 2680 | Cleveland still lives. God ____\b\b\b\bmust be dead. |
3dda02a9 | 2681 | % |
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2682 | "Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day." |
2683 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 2684 | Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. |
3dda02a9 | 2685 | % |
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2686 | Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on |
2687 | society. | |
2688 | -- Mark Twain | |
3dda02a9 | 2689 | % |
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2690 | COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance. |
2691 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 2692 | Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan. |
3dda02a9 | 2693 | % |
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2694 | Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- |
2695 | "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am." | |
2696 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 2697 | % |
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2698 | "Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong." |
2699 | -- Blair Houghton | |
2700 | % | |
2701 | Coincidence, n.: | |
2702 | You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was | |
2703 | going on. | |
2704 | % | |
2705 | Coincidences are spiritual puns. | |
2706 | -- G. K. Chesterton | |
2707 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
2708 | Cold, adj.: |
2709 | When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions. | |
3dda02a9 | 2710 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
2711 | Cold, adj.: |
2712 | When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own | |
2713 | pockets. | |
3dda02a9 | 2714 | % |
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2715 | Collaboration, n.: |
2716 | A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the | |
2717 | other fellow can spell. | |
3dda02a9 | 2718 | % |
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2719 | College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the |
2720 | faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if | |
2721 | the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, | |
2722 | legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the | |
2723 | loss to humanity. | |
2724 | -- H. L. Mencken | |
3dda02a9 | 2725 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 2726 | Colvard's Logical Premises: |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
2727 | All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it |
2728 | won't. | |
2729 | ||
58fe6ef4 KB |
2730 | Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: |
2731 | This is especially true when dealing with someone you're | |
2732 | attracted to. | |
fcf2a2a2 | 2733 | |
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2734 | Grelb's Commentary |
2735 | Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. | |
3dda02a9 | 2736 | % |
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2737 | Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, |
2738 | And every vector dreams of matrices. | |
2739 | Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: | |
2740 | It whispers of a more ergodic zone. | |
2741 | -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" | |
3dda02a9 | 2742 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
2743 | Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, |
2744 | Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, | |
2745 | Their indices bedecked from one to _\bn, | |
2746 | Commingled in an endless Markov chain! | |
2747 | -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" | |
3dda02a9 | 2748 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
2749 | Command, n.: |
2750 | Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in | |
2751 | such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control. | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
2752 | % |
2753 | COMMENT | |
2754 | ||
2755 | Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, | |
2756 | A medley of extemporanea; | |
2757 | And love is thing that can never go wrong; | |
2758 | And I am Marie of Roumania. | |
2759 | -- Dorothy Parker | |
3dda02a9 | 2760 | % |
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2761 | Commitment, n.: |
2762 | Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. | |
2763 | The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. | |
3dda02a9 | 2764 | % |
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2765 | Committee Rules: |
2766 | (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner. | |
2767 | (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this | |
2768 | stamps you as being wise. | |
2769 | (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the | |
2770 | others. | |
2771 | (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed. | |
2772 | (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you | |
2773 | popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for. | |
2774 | % | |
2775 | Committee, n.: | |
2776 | A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group | |
2777 | decide that nothing can be done. | |
2778 | -- Fred Allen | |
2779 | % | |
2780 | Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to | |
2781 | be appointed to do the work. | |
2782 | % | |
2783 | Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at | |
2784 | different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. | |
2785 | -- Clive James | |
2786 | % | |
2787 | Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. | |
2788 | -- Josh Billings | |
2789 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
2790 | Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. |
2791 | -- Albert Einstein | |
3dda02a9 | 2792 | % |
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2793 | Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness |
2794 | of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule." | |
2795 | -- David Guaspari | |
3dda02a9 | 2796 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 2797 | Computer programmers do it byte by byte |
3dda02a9 | 2798 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
2799 | Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems |
2800 | theory. | |
2801 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 2802 | Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. |
3dda02a9 | 2803 | % |
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2804 | Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. |
2805 | -- Pablo Picasso | |
2806 | % | |
2807 | Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in | |
2808 | the world that just don't add up. | |
2809 | % | |
2810 | Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more | |
2811 | than the estimate the job will cost. | |
2812 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
2813 | Conceit causes more conversation than wit. |
2814 | -- LaRouchefoucauld | |
3dda02a9 | 2815 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
2816 | Concept, n.: |
2817 | Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than | |
2818 | $25,000. | |
3dda02a9 | 2819 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
2820 | ... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___\b\b\bdid* quote anybody in this |
2821 | business, it probably would be gibberish. | |
2822 | -- Thom McLeod | |
2823 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 2824 | Condense soup, not books! |
3dda02a9 | 2825 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
2826 | Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is |
2827 | good for dandruff. | |
2828 | -- Peter de Vries | |
3dda02a9 | 2829 | % |
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2830 | Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the |
2831 | situation. | |
3dda02a9 | 2832 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
2833 | Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that |
2834 | would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that | |
2835 | you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer | |
2836 | maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS | |
2837 | OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY | |
2838 | UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED | |
2839 | IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
2840 | WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND |
2841 | SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
2842 | RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, |
2843 | RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE | |
2844 | FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT? | |
2845 | -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" | |
3dda02a9 | 2846 | % |
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2847 | Connector Conspiracy, n: |
2848 | [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the | |
2849 | KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of | |
2850 | manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything) | |
2851 | to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old | |
2852 | stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive | |
2853 | interface devices. | |
2854 | % | |
2855 | Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. | |
2856 | -- H. L. Mencken | |
2857 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
2858 | Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking |
2859 | -- H. L. Mencken | |
3dda02a9 | 2860 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 2861 | Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. |
3dda02a9 | 2862 | % |
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2863 | Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you |
2864 | wish you weren't. | |
2865 | % | |
2866 | "Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich." | |
2867 | -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones] | |
2868 | % | |
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2869 | Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then |
2870 | give it back to them. | |
3dda02a9 | 2871 | % |
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2872 | "Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and |
2873 | if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" | |
2874 | -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" | |
3dda02a9 | 2875 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
2876 | "Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern |
2877 | technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat." | |
2878 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
2879 | Conversation, n.: |
2880 | A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath | |
2881 | is called the listener. | |
3dda02a9 | 2882 | % |
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2883 | Conway's Law: |
2884 | In any organization there will always be one person who knows | |
2885 | what is going on. | |
2886 | ||
2887 | This person must be fired. | |
3dda02a9 | 2888 | % |
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2889 | Coronation, n.: |
2890 | The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and | |
2891 | visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite | |
2892 | bomb. | |
2893 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 2894 | % |
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2895 | Corrupt, adj.: |
2896 | In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. | |
3dda02a9 | 2897 | % |
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2898 | Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a |
2899 | muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can | |
2900 | make of capitalism. | |
2901 | -- Walter Lippmann | |
2902 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
2903 | Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job |
2904 | is to enforce the law and fight crime. | |
2905 | -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan | |
3dda02a9 | 2906 | % |
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2907 | Court, n.: |
2908 | A place where they dispense with justice. | |
2909 | -- Arthur Train | |
2910 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
2911 | Coward, n.: |
2912 | One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. | |
2913 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 2914 | % |
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2915 | Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with |
2916 | nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. | |
2917 | -- Wernher von Braun | |
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2919 | Crime does not pay ... as well as politics. |
2920 | -- A. E. Newman | |
3dda02a9 | 2921 | % |
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2922 | Critic, n.: |
2923 | A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries | |
2924 | to please him. | |
2925 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 2926 | % |
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2927 | Croll's Query: |
2928 | If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of? | |
2929 | % | |
2930 | cursor address, n: | |
2931 | "Hello, cursor!" | |
2932 | -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" | |
2933 | % | |
2934 | "Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It | |
2935 | eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the | |
2936 | business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation." | |
2937 | -- Johnny Hart | |
2938 | % | |
2939 | "Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It | |
2940 | eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the | |
2941 | business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation." | |
2942 | -- Johnny Hart | |
2943 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
2944 | Cynic, n.: |
2945 | A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not | |
2946 | as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking | |
2947 | out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. | |
2948 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 2949 | % |
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2950 | Cynic, n.: |
2951 | One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced | |
2952 | eye. | |
3dda02a9 | 2953 | % |
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2954 | Dare to be naive. |
2955 | -- R. Buckminster Fuller | |
2956 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 2957 | Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. |
3dda02a9 | 2958 | % |
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2959 | Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par." |
2960 | Allen Gwinn: "Yours is." | |
2961 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
2962 | Dawn, n.: |
2963 | The time when men of reason go to bed. | |
2964 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 2965 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 2966 | Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed. |
3dda02a9 | 2967 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
2968 | %DCL-MEM-BAD, bad memory |
2969 | VMS-F-PDGERS, pudding between the ears | |
3dda02a9 | 2970 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
2971 | Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success is also |
2972 | easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to | |
2973 | improve. | |
3dda02a9 | 2974 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
2975 | Dear Lord: |
2976 | I just want *___\b\b\bone* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On | |
fcf2a2a2 | 2977 | the other hand", again. |
3dda02a9 | 2978 | % |
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2979 | Dear Miss Manners: |
2980 | My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's | |
2981 | elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between | |
2982 | courses, is all right. Which is correct? | |
2983 | ||
2984 | Gentle Reader: | |
2985 | For the purpose of answering examinations in your home | |
2986 | economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this | |
2987 | principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now | |
2988 | than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners | |
2989 | believes that is. | |
3dda02a9 | 2990 | % |
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2991 | Dear Miss Manners: |
2992 | Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from | |
fcf2a2a2 | 2993 | your face. |
58fe6ef4 KB |
2994 | |
2995 | Gentle Reader: | |
2996 | Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
2997 | your face ... |
2998 | % | |
2999 | Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part | |
3000 | of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old | |
3001 | will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a | |
3002 | commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as | |
3003 | "Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a | |
3004 | table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always | |
3005 | says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Don't that really mean, | |
3006 | "Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this | |
3007 | complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim | |
3008 | if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a | |
3009 | dead bat? | |
3010 | ||
3011 | Answer: Yes. | |
3012 | -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" | |
3013 | % | |
3014 | Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? | |
3015 | ||
3016 | Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business | |
3017 | signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a | |
3018 | word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR | |
3019 | ANY ITEM'S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when | |
3020 | creating hand- lettered small-business signs is that you should put | |
3021 | quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT | |
3022 | DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S. | |
3023 | -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" | |
3dda02a9 | 3024 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3025 | Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. |
3dda02a9 | 3026 | % |
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3027 | Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. |
3028 | -- R. Geis | |
3dda02a9 | 3029 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3030 | Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings. |
3031 | % | |
3032 | "Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'". | |
3033 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 3034 | Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down |
3dda02a9 | 3035 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3036 | Death is only a state of mind. |
3037 | ||
3038 | Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else. | |
3039 | % | |
3040 | Death to all fanatics! | |
3041 | % | |
3042 | Decision maker, n.: | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3043 | The person in your office who was unable to form a task force |
3044 | before the music stopped. | |
3dda02a9 | 3045 | % |
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3046 | Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really |
3047 | overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene | |
3048 | language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the | |
3049 | judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when | |
3050 | addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang). | |
3051 | -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing | |
3052 | Assoc. | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3053 | % |
3054 | Deck Us All With Boston Charlie | |
3055 | ||
3056 | Deck us all with Boston Charlie, | |
3057 | Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! | |
3058 | Nora's freezin' on the trolley, | |
3059 | Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo! | |
3060 | ||
3061 | Don't we know archaic barrel, | |
3062 | Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou. | |
3063 | Trolley Molly don't love Harold, | |
3064 | Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo! | |
3065 | -- Walt Kelly | |
3066 | % | |
3067 | "Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of | |
3068 | marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a | |
3069 | theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, | |
3070 | those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly | |
3071 | blessed. | |
3072 | -- Randy Davis | |
3073 | % | |
3074 | default, n.: | |
3075 | [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you, | |
3076 | mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will | |
3077 | come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear. | |
3078 | -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" | |
3079 | % | |
3080 | #define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255) | |
3081 | #define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \ | |
3082 | - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \ | |
3083 | - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111)) | |
3084 | ||
3085 | -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word | |
3086 | % | |
3087 | DELETE A FORTUNE! | |
3088 | ||
3089 | Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like | |
3090 | to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to | |
3091 | "fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it | |
3092 | gets expunged. | |
3dda02a9 | 3093 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3094 | Deliberation, n.: |
3095 | The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is | |
3096 | buttered on. | |
3097 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 3098 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3099 | "Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow." |
3dda02a9 | 3100 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3101 | Demand the establishment of the government |
3102 | in its rightful home at Disneyland. | |
3103 | % | |
3104 | Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than | |
3105 | we deserve. | |
3106 | -- George Bernard Shaw | |
3107 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3108 | Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder |
3109 | aloud what the country could do under first-class management. | |
3110 | -- Senator Soaper | |
3dda02a9 | 3111 | % |
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3112 | Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the |
3113 | incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. | |
3114 | -- G. B. Shaw | |
3dda02a9 | 3115 | % |
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3116 | Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you |
3117 | don't think. | |
3118 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3119 | Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by |
3120 | Jackasses. | |
3121 | -- H. L. Mencken | |
3dda02a9 | 3122 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3123 | Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse. |
3124 | -- Jawaharlal Nehru | |
3125 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3126 | Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people |
3127 | are right more than half of the time. | |
3128 | -- E. B. White | |
3dda02a9 | 3129 | % |
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3130 | Democracy, n.: |
3131 | A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass | |
3132 | meeting or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. | |
3133 | Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights. | |
3134 | Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, | |
3135 | whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion, | |
3136 | prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences. | |
3137 | Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy. | |
3138 | -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932), | |
3139 | since withdrawn. | |
3140 | % | |
3141 | Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the | |
3142 | board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls. | |
3143 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3144 | Dentist, n.: |
3145 | A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls | |
3146 | coins out of one's pockets. | |
3147 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 3148 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3149 | Despising machines to a man, |
3150 | The Luddites joined up with the Klan, | |
3151 | And ride out by night | |
3152 | In a sheeting of white | |
3153 | To lynch all the robots they can. | |
3154 | -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson | |
3155 | % | |
3156 | Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will | |
3157 | be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over | |
3158 | the table. | |
3159 | -- The Anarchist Cookbook | |
3160 | % | |
3161 | DETERIORATA | |
3162 | ||
3163 | Go placidly amid the noise and waste, | |
3164 | And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. | |
3165 | Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. | |
3166 | Rotate your tires. | |
3167 | Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself, | |
3168 | And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys. | |
3169 | Know what to kiss -- and when. | |
3170 | Remember that two wrongs never make a right, | |
3171 | But that three do. | |
3172 | Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD". | |
3173 | Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, | |
3174 | And despite the changing fortunes of time, | |
3175 | There is always a big future in computer maintenance. | |
3176 | ||
3177 | You are a fluke of the universe ... | |
3178 | You have no right to be here. | |
3179 | Whether you can hear it or not, the universe | |
3180 | Is laughing behind your back. | |
3181 | -- National Lampoon | |
3182 | % | |
3183 | DeVries's Dilemma: | |
3184 | If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want | |
3185 | hits the paper. | |
3186 | % | |
3187 | Did I say 2? I lied. | |
3188 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3189 | Did you know ... |
3190 | ||
3191 | That no-one ever reads these things? | |
3dda02a9 | 3192 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3193 | Did you know that clones never use mirrors? |
3194 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 3195 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3196 | Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined |
3197 | them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction? | |
3198 | % | |
3199 | Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot | |
3200 | that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states: | |
3201 | ||
3202 | "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and | |
3203 | squirrel." | |
3204 | ||
3205 | -- ihuxw!tommyo | |
3dda02a9 | 3206 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3207 | Die, v.: |
3208 | To stop sinning suddenly. | |
3209 | -- Elbert Hubbard | |
3dda02a9 | 3210 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3211 | "Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a |
3212 | conventional thing to happen to him." | |
3213 | -- John Barrymore's dying words | |
3214 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 3215 | Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little. |
3dda02a9 | 3216 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3217 | Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. |
3218 | Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. | |
3dda02a9 | 3219 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3220 | Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. |
3dda02a9 | 3221 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3222 | Disc space -- the final frontier! |
3dda02a9 | 3223 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3224 | Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be |
3225 | yours too." | |
3226 | -- Dave Haynie | |
3227 | % | |
3228 | Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my | |
3229 | employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely | |
3230 | coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is | |
3231 | non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the | |
3232 | absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. | |
3233 | The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for | |
3234 | the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, | |
3235 | non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.) | |
3236 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 3237 | Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. |
3dda02a9 | 3238 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3239 | Distinctive, adj.: |
3240 | A different color or shape than our competitors. | |
3241 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3242 | Distress, n.: |
3243 | A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. | |
3244 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 3245 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3246 | District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape |
3247 | injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any | |
3248 | damage inflicted on the vehicle. | |
3249 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 3250 | Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? |
3dda02a9 | 3251 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3252 | Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? |
3dda02a9 | 3253 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3254 | Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. |
3dda02a9 | 3255 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 3256 | Do not drink coffee in early a.m. It will keep you awake until noon. |
3dda02a9 | 3257 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3258 | Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to |
3259 | anger. | |
3dda02a9 | 3260 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3261 | "Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good |
3262 | with ketchup." | |
3263 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3264 | Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. |
3265 | Violators will be prosecuted. | |
3266 | (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.)) | |
3dda02a9 | 3267 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3268 | Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. |
3dda02a9 | 3269 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3270 | Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each |
3271 | day as it comes. | |
3272 | -- Donald Kaul | |
3dda02a9 | 3273 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3274 | Do something unusual today. Pay a bill. |
3dda02a9 | 3275 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3276 | Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. |
3dda02a9 | 3277 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3278 | Do you have lysdexia? |
3279 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3280 | Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take |
3281 | the time to take the dirt out of them? | |
3dda02a9 | 3282 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3283 | "Do you think what we're doing is wrong?" |
3284 | "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" | |
3285 | "I've never done anything illegal before." | |
3286 | "I thought you said you were an accountant!" | |
3dda02a9 | 3287 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3288 | Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and |
3289 | when it is bad, it is better than nothing. | |
3290 | -- Dick Brandon | |
3dda02a9 | 3291 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3292 | Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must |
3293 | be good because the programmers hate it so much. | |
3dda02a9 | 3294 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 3295 | Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? |
3dda02a9 | 3296 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3297 | Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow. |
3dda02a9 | 3298 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 3299 | Don't be humble ... you're not that great. |
58fe6ef4 | 3300 | -- Golda Meir |
3dda02a9 | 3301 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3302 | Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. |
3dda02a9 | 3303 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3304 | Don't change the reason, just change the excuses! |
3305 | -- Joe Cointment | |
3306 | % | |
3307 | "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, | |
3308 | sincerely, extremely dangerously. | |
3309 | ||
3310 | They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. | |
3311 | They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They | |
3312 | used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used | |
3313 | finks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used | |
3314 | fallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. | |
3315 | They used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. | |
3316 | They used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. | |
3317 | They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And | |
3318 | what the hell, they caught him. | |
3319 | ||
3320 | -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the | |
3321 | Tick-Tock Man" | |
3322 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 3323 | Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today! |
3dda02a9 | 3324 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3325 | Don't feed the bats tonight. |
3dda02a9 | 3326 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3327 | Don't get even -- get odd! |
3328 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3329 | Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly |
3330 | misleading. Debug only code. | |
3331 | -- Dave Storer | |
3dda02a9 | 3332 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3333 | "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes |
3334 | you nothing. It was here first." | |
58fe6ef4 | 3335 | -- Mark Twain |
3dda02a9 | 3336 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3337 | Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while. |
3dda02a9 | 3338 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3339 | Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. |
3dda02a9 | 3340 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3341 | Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier. |
3342 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 3343 | Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today. |
3dda02a9 | 3344 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3345 | Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam. |
3dda02a9 | 3346 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3347 | Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking |
3348 | distance. | |
3dda02a9 | 3349 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3350 | Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone. |
3351 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 3352 | Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. |
3dda02a9 | 3353 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3354 | Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy |
3355 | it today you can do it again tomorrow. | |
3dda02a9 | 3356 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3357 | "Don't say yes until I finish talking." |
3358 | -- Darryl F. Zanuck | |
3359 | % | |
3360 | Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. | |
3361 | Cheat. | |
3362 | -- Ambrose Bierce | |
3363 | % | |
3364 | Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in! | |
3365 | -- "Brazil" | |
3366 | % | |
3367 | Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent. | |
3368 | -- Walt Kelly | |
3dda02a9 | 3369 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 3370 | Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive. |
3dda02a9 | 3371 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3372 | Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. |
3dda02a9 | 3373 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3374 | "Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to |
3375 | get more wax!!" | |
3dda02a9 | 3376 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3377 | Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts |
3378 | avoiding you. | |
3379 | -- The Old Farmer's Almanac | |
3380 | % | |
3381 | "Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any | |
3382 | good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats." | |
3383 | -- Howard Aiken | |
3384 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3385 | Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already |
3386 | tomorrow in Australia. | |
3387 | -- Charles Schultz | |
3dda02a9 | 3388 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3389 | Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too |
3390 | busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. | |
3dda02a9 | 3391 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3392 | Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in? |
3dda02a9 | 3393 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3394 | Don: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she |
3395 | pretty? | |
3396 | W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of | |
3397 | bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to | |
3398 | sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia. | |
3399 | Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative. | |
3400 | W. C.: It's almost impossible. | |
3401 | -- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson | |
3402 | E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles" | |
3403 | % | |
3404 | Double Bucky | |
3405 | (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie") | |
3406 | ||
3407 | Double bucky, you're the one! | |
3408 | You make my keyboard lots of fun | |
3409 | Double bucky, an additional bit or two: | |
3410 | (Vo-vo-de-o!) | |
3411 | Control and Meta side by side, | |
3412 | Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide! | |
3413 | Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few! | |
3414 | ||
3415 | Double bucky, left and right | |
3416 | OR'd together, outta sight! | |
3417 | Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of | |
3418 | Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of | |
3419 | Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you! | |
3420 | ||
3421 | -- (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr. | |
3422 | % | |
3423 | Double-Blind Experiment, n.: | |
3424 | An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is | |
3425 | fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a | |
3426 | belief in the tooth fairy. | |
3427 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 3428 | Down with categorical imperative! |
3dda02a9 | 3429 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3430 | "Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing." |
3dda02a9 | 3431 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3432 | Drew's Law of Highway Biology: |
3433 | The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3434 | of your eyes. |
3435 | % | |
3436 | Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *__\b\bis* fun trying. | |
3dda02a9 | 3437 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3438 | Drive defensively. Buy a tank. |
3dda02a9 | 3439 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3440 | Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic |
3441 | route! | |
3dda02a9 | 3442 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3443 | Ducharme's Axiom: |
3444 | If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize | |
3445 | yourself as part of the problem. | |
3446 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3447 | Ducharme's Precept: |
3448 | Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. | |
3dda02a9 | 3449 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3450 | Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and |
3451 | it holds the universe together ... | |
3452 | -- Carl Zwanzig | |
3dda02a9 | 3453 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3454 | Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders |
3455 | has been discontinued. | |
3dda02a9 | 3456 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3457 | Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate |
3458 | and captain of your soul. | |
3dda02a9 | 3459 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3460 | Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been |
3461 | discontinued. | |
3462 | % | |
3463 | During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen | |
3464 | were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a | |
3465 | red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, | |
3466 | "Hey, you almost hit my wife." | |
3467 | "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a | |
3468 | shot at mine, over there." | |
3469 | % | |
3470 | During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several | |
58fe6ef4 | 3471 | times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_\a~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_\a~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o |
3dda02a9 | 3472 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3473 | "Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have |
3474 | nothing whatever to do with it." | |
3475 | -- W. Somerset Maugham | |
3dda02a9 | 3476 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3477 | E Pluribus Unix |
3dda02a9 | 3478 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3479 | Eagleson's Law: |
3480 | Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more | |
3481 | months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is | |
3482 | an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.) | |
3dda02a9 | 3483 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3484 | Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends |
3485 | % | |
3486 | /earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can. | |
3487 | % | |
3488 | Earth is a beta site. | |
3dda02a9 | 3489 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3490 | "Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun." |
3491 | -- Jeff Berner | |
3dda02a9 | 3492 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3493 | Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: |
3494 | Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the | |
3495 | cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of | |
3496 | the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this | |
3497 | means the puzzle is solved. | |
3498 | -- Steve Rubenstein | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3499 | % |
3500 | Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal. | |
3501 | % | |
3502 | "Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work." | |
3dda02a9 | 3503 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3504 | Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. |
3505 | -- John Kenneth Galbraith | |
3dda02a9 | 3506 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3507 | Economics, n.: |
3508 | Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. | |
3509 | Galbraith ... | |
3510 | -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" | |
3dda02a9 | 3511 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3512 | Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy |
3513 | would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it | |
3514 | hasn't. | |
3515 | -- Robert Orben | |
3516 | % | |
3517 | Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a | |
3518 | percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor. | |
3519 | -- Edgar R. Fiedler | |
3520 | % | |
3521 | Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. | |
3522 | -- Fred Allen | |
3523 | % | |
3524 | Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. | |
3525 | -- Irsin Edman | |
3526 | % | |
3527 | Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak! | |
3528 | -- Bullwinkle Moose | |
3529 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3530 | Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. |
3531 | -- Adlai Stevenson | |
3dda02a9 | 3532 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3533 | Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many |
3534 | people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable | |
3535 | comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where | |
3536 | the "nog" comes from. | |
3537 | ||
3538 | To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in | |
3539 | season, eggs... | |
3dda02a9 | 3540 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3541 | Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain |
3542 | of being a damned fool. | |
3543 | -- Bellamy Brooks | |
3dda02a9 | 3544 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3545 | Egotist, n.: |
3546 | A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. | |
3547 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 3548 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3549 | Ehrman's Commentary: |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3550 | (1) Things will get worse before they get better. |
3551 | (2) Who said things would get better? | |
3dda02a9 | 3552 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3553 | Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. |
3554 | -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star | |
3dda02a9 | 3555 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3556 | Eleanor Rigby |
3557 | Sits at the keyboard | |
3558 | And waits for a line on the screen | |
3559 | Lives in a dream | |
3560 | Waits for a signal | |
3561 | Finding some code | |
3562 | That will make the machine do some more. | |
3563 | What is it for? | |
3564 | ||
3565 | All the lonely users, where do they all come from? | |
3566 | All the lonely users, why does it take so long? | |
3dda02a9 | 3567 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3568 | Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance. |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3569 | % |
3570 | Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, | |
3571 | called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you | |
3572 | have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in | |
3573 | most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the | |
3574 | time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could | |
3575 | have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey, | |
3576 | although God alone knows why it would want to. | |
3577 | The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, | |
3578 | direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes | |
3579 | have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one | |
3580 | direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents | |
3581 | harmful electron buildup in the wires. | |
3582 | -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" | |
3dda02a9 | 3583 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3584 | Electrocution, n.: |
3585 | Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. | |
3dda02a9 | 3586 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3587 | Elevators smell different to midgets |
3dda02a9 | 3588 | % |
1b620017 | 3589 | Emerson's Law of Contrariness: |
58fe6ef4 | 3590 | Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we |
fcf2a2a2 | 3591 | can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it. |
3dda02a9 | 3592 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3593 | Encyclopedia Salesmen: |
3594 | Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police | |
3595 | and tell them your house is being burgled. | |
3596 | -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" | |
3dda02a9 | 3597 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3598 | Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. |
3599 | Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop. | |
3600 | -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary | |
3dda02a9 | 3601 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3602 | Entropy isn't what it used to be. |
3dda02a9 | 3603 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3604 | Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which |
3605 | otherwise require harder thinking. | |
3606 | -- Jerome Lettvin | |
3dda02a9 | 3607 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3608 | Epperson's law: |
3609 | When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably | |
3610 | something his wife can beat him at. | |
3611 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 3612 | Equal bytes for women. |
3dda02a9 | 3613 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3614 | Error in operator: add beer |
3615 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3616 | Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven |
3617 | Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; | |
3618 | Und aller-m"\bumsige Burggoven | |
3619 | Dir mohmen R"\bath ausgraben. | |
3620 | -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" | |
3dda02a9 | 3621 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3622 | Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. |
3623 | -- Woody Allen | |
3dda02a9 | 3624 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3625 | Etymology, n.: |
fcf2a2a2 | 3626 | Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3627 | were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed |
3628 | from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy" | |
3629 | ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow." | |
3630 | -- Mike Kellen | |
3dda02a9 | 3631 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3632 | Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to |
3633 | speak it to? | |
3634 | -- Clarence Darrow | |
3dda02a9 | 3635 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3636 | "Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit |
3637 | there." | |
3638 | -- Will Rogers | |
3639 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3640 | "Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral." |
3641 | -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" | |
3dda02a9 | 3642 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3643 | Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3644 | States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a |
3645 | day. | |
3dda02a9 | 3646 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3647 | Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you |
3648 | just how busy they are. | |
3dda02a9 | 3649 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3650 | Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what, |
3651 | exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men." | |
3652 | All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with | |
3653 | spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about: | |
3654 | Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please | |
3655 | take her right now. No How about: Would you like to take something? | |
3656 | My wife is available. No. How about ..." | |
3657 | -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" | |
3dda02a9 | 3658 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3659 | Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it. |
3dda02a9 | 3660 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3661 | Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. |
3dda02a9 | 3662 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3663 | Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this |
3664 | woman and stop her. | |
3665 | % | |
3666 | "Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one | |
3667 | idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's | |
3668 | sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all | |
3669 | of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two | |
3670 | highly-motivated, caustic twits." | |
3671 | -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet | |
3672 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3673 | Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired |
3674 | signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not | |
3675 | fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not | |
3676 | spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the | |
3677 | genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way | |
3678 | of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is | |
3679 | humanity hanging on a cross of iron. | |
3680 | -- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953 | |
3dda02a9 | 3681 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3682 | Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation): |
3683 | ||
3684 | Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in | |
3685 | front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an | |
3686 | odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even | |
3687 | and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of | |
3688 | legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere, | |
3689 | there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse | |
3690 | of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same | |
3691 | color"], that does not exist. | |
3692 | % | |
3693 | Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible. | |
3694 | -- Frank Moore Colby | |
3695 | % | |
3696 | Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it. | |
3697 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3698 | Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. |
3699 | -- Don Vonada | |
3dda02a9 | 3700 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3701 | "Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95." |
3702 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3703 | Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. |
3704 | -- Miguel de Cervantes | |
3dda02a9 | 3705 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3706 | "Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the |
3707 | richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work" | |
3708 | -- Robert Orben | |
3709 | % | |
3710 | Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis. | |
3711 | ||
3712 | It makes sense, when you don't think about it. | |
3713 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3714 | Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one |
3715 | instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every | |
3716 | program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. | |
3dda02a9 | 3717 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3718 | Every program has two purposes -- one for which it was written and |
3719 | another for which it wasn't. | |
3dda02a9 | 3720 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3721 | Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. |
3dda02a9 | 3722 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3723 | Every solution breeds new problems. |
3dda02a9 | 3724 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3725 | Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no |
3726 | guarantee of eventual success. | |
3dda02a9 | 3727 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3728 | "Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it." |
3dda02a9 | 3729 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3730 | Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. |
3731 | -- Beckett | |
3dda02a9 | 3732 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3733 | Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. |
3734 | -- Dykstra | |
3dda02a9 | 3735 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3736 | Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. |
3dda02a9 | 3737 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3738 | Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be |
3739 | taught how ___\b\b\bnot to. So it is with the great programmers. | |
3dda02a9 | 3740 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3741 | Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to |
3742 | realize it. | |
3743 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3744 | Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic |
3745 | formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the | |
3746 | scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact | |
3747 | wholly unconcerned with what ____\b\b\b\bdoes exist. Indeed, the banality of | |
3748 | existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to | |
3749 | discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the | |
3750 | problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the | |
3751 | mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all, | |
3752 | one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely | |
3753 | different way ... | |
3754 | -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" | |
3dda02a9 | 3755 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3756 | Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____\b\b\b\bdoes anything about it. |
3dda02a9 | 3757 | % |
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3758 | Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, |
3759 | no one we know belongs. | |
3dda02a9 | 3760 | % |
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3761 | Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being |
3762 | that a belch is more satisfying. | |
3763 | -- Ingmar Bergman | |
3764 | % | |
3765 | Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. | |
3766 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 3767 | Everything you know is wrong! |
3dda02a9 | 3768 | % |
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3769 | Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less |
3770 | obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no | |
3771 | solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. | |
3772 | There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no | |
3773 | straight lines. | |
3774 | -- R. Buckminster Fuller | |
3dda02a9 | 3775 | % |
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3776 | Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping |
3777 | mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as | |
3778 | "Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you | |
3779 | how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", | |
3780 | "Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night | |
3781 | So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc. | |
3782 | -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" | |
3dda02a9 | 3783 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3784 | Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler. |
3dda02a9 | 3785 | % |
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3786 | Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator. |
3787 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 3788 | Excellent day to have a rotten day. |
3dda02a9 | 3789 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3790 | Excellent time to become a missing person. |
3dda02a9 | 3791 | % |
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3792 | Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from |
3793 | acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. | |
3794 | -- W. Somerset Maugham | |
3dda02a9 | 3795 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3796 | Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility. |
3dda02a9 | 3797 | % |
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3798 | Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do |
3799 | the work. | |
3800 | -- John G. Pollard | |
3801 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 3802 | Expect the worst, it's the least you can do. |
3dda02a9 | 3803 | % |
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3804 | Expense Accounts, n.: |
3805 | Corporate food stamps. | |
3dda02a9 | 3806 | % |
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3807 | Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. |
3808 | -- Olivier | |
3dda02a9 | 3809 | % |
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3810 | Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake |
3811 | when you make it again. | |
58fe6ef4 | 3812 | -- F. P. Jones |
3dda02a9 | 3813 | % |
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3814 | Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and |
3815 | the instruction afterward. | |
3dda02a9 | 3816 | % |
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3817 | Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old |
3818 | ones. | |
3dda02a9 | 3819 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3820 | Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. |
3dda02a9 | 3821 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3822 | Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. |
3dda02a9 | 3823 | % |
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3824 | Expert, n.: |
3825 | Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides. | |
3826 | % | |
3827 | Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules: | |
3828 | ||
3829 | NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE | |
3830 | ||
3831 | To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully | |
3832 | cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand | |
3833 | corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and | |
3834 | address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) -- | |
3835 | to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower | |
3836 | left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card | |
3837 | below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your | |
3838 | computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL | |
3839 | SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card | |
3840 | (without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the the | |
3841 | Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be | |
3842 | disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print | |
3843 | this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and | |
3844 | completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize. | |
3845 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 3846 | F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm! |
3dda02a9 | 3847 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 3848 | f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd. |
3dda02a9 | 3849 | % |
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3850 | f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. |
3851 | % | |
3852 | F: When into a room I plunge, I | |
3853 | Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI. | |
3854 | Then I linger, darkly brooding | |
3855 | On the poison they're exuding. | |
3856 | -- The Roguelet's ABC | |
3857 | % | |
3858 | Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable. | |
3dda02a9 | 3859 | % |
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3860 | Fairy Tale, n.: |
3861 | A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. | |
3dda02a9 | 3862 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3863 | Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic |
3864 | without looking to see whether the seeds move. | |
3dda02a9 | 3865 | % |
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3866 | Faith, n: |
3867 | That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be | |
3868 | untrue. | |
3dda02a9 | 3869 | % |
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3870 | Fakir, n: |
3871 | A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost | |
3872 | religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to | |
3873 | have shinnied up a rope and vanished. | |
3dda02a9 | 3874 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3875 | Familiarity breeds attempt |
3dda02a9 | 3876 | % |
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3877 | Families, when a child is born |
3878 | Want it to be intelligent. | |
3879 | I, through intelligence, | |
3880 | Having wrecked my whole life, | |
3881 | Only hope the baby will prove | |
3882 | Ignorant and stupid. | |
3883 | Then he will crown a tranquil life | |
3884 | By becoming a Cabinet Minister | |
3885 | -- Su Tung-p'o | |
3dda02a9 | 3886 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3887 | Famous last words: |
3dda02a9 | 3888 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3889 | Famous last words: |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3890 | (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it." |
3891 | (2) "You and what army?" | |
3892 | (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be | |
3893 | a cop." | |
3dda02a9 | 3894 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3895 | Famous last words: |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3896 | (1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. |
3897 | (2) Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. | |
3898 | (3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog-- | |
3899 | (4) We won't need reservations. | |
3900 | (5) It's always sunny there this time of the year. | |
3901 | (6) Don't worry, it's not loaded. | |
3902 | (7) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. | |
3903 | % | |
3904 | Famous, adj.: | |
3905 | Conspicuously miserable. | |
3906 | -- Ambrose Bierce | |
3dda02a9 | 3907 | % |
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3908 | Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the |
3909 | Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. | |
3910 | Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an | |
3911 | utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life | |
3912 | forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches | |
3913 | are a pretty neat idea ... | |
3914 | -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" | |
3dda02a9 | 3915 | % |
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3916 | Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it |
3917 | every six months. | |
3918 | -- Oscar Wilde | |
3dda02a9 | 3919 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3920 | Fats Loves Madelyn |
3dda02a9 | 3921 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 3922 | Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ... |
3dda02a9 | 3923 | % |
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3924 | Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children, |
3925 | neither will you. | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3926 | % |
3927 | Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each | |
3928 | other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around | |
3929 | the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors | |
3930 | d'oeuvres. | |
3931 | Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes | |
3932 | to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your | |
3933 | Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright | |
3934 | piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. | |
3935 | Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with | |
3936 | inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down | |
3937 | other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and | |
3938 | placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when | |
3939 | the little hammers strike. | |
3940 | Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over | |
3941 | their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning | |
3942 | Christmas tree. The piano is missing. | |
3943 | ||
3944 | You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless | |
3945 | you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level | |
3946 | 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog. | |
3dda02a9 | 3947 | % |
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3948 | Fifth Law of Applied Terror: |
3949 | If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. | |
fcf2a2a2 | 3950 | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3951 | Corollary: |
3952 | If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you | |
fcf2a2a2 | 3953 | live. |
3dda02a9 | 3954 | % |
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3955 | Fifth Law of Procrastination: |
3956 | Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3957 | there is nothing important to do. |
3958 | % | |
3959 | Fifty flippant frogs | |
3960 | Walked by on flippered feet | |
3961 | And with their slime they made the time | |
3962 | Unnaturally fleet. | |
3963 | % | |
3964 | FIGHTING WORDS | |
3965 | ||
3966 | Say my love is easy had, | |
3967 | Say I'm bitten raw with pride, | |
3968 | Say I am too often sad -- | |
3969 | Still behold me at your side. | |
3970 | ||
3971 | Say I'm neither brave nor young, | |
3972 | Say I woo and coddle care, | |
3973 | Say the devil touched my tongue -- | |
3974 | Still you have my heart to wear. | |
3975 | ||
3976 | But say my verses do not scan, | |
3977 | And I get me another man! | |
3978 | -- Dorothy Parker | |
3979 | % | |
3980 | Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North | |
3981 | Carolina. | |
3dda02a9 | 3982 | % |
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3983 | Finagle's Creed: |
3984 | Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. | |
3dda02a9 | 3985 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3986 | Finagle's First Law: |
3987 | If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. | |
3dda02a9 | 3988 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3989 | Finagle's fourth Law: |
3990 | Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes | |
3991 | it worse. | |
3992 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
3993 | Finagle's Second Law: |
3994 | No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
3995 | someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it |
3996 | happened according to his own pet theory. | |
3dda02a9 | 3997 | % |
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3998 | Finagle's Third Law: |
3999 | In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, | |
4000 | beyond all need of checking, is the mistake | |
4001 | ||
4002 | Corollaries: | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
4003 | (1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. |
4004 | (2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really | |
58fe6ef4 | 4005 | don't want to hear, will see it immediately. |
3dda02a9 | 4006 | % |
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4007 | Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture |
4008 | on a rock. | |
4009 | -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 | |
3dda02a9 | 4010 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 4011 | Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. |
3dda02a9 | 4012 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 4013 | Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. |
3dda02a9 | 4014 | % |
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4015 | Fine's Corollary: |
4016 | Functionality breeds Contempt. | |
4017 | % | |
4018 | Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less: | |
4019 | ||
4020 | "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..." | |
4021 | ||
4022 | Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to: | |
4023 | ||
4024 | P.O. Box 35 | |
4025 | Baffled Greek, Michigan | |
4026 | % | |
4027 | First Corollary of Taber's Second Law: | |
4028 | Machines that piss people off get murdered. | |
4029 | -- Pat Taber | |
4030 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4031 | First Law of Bicycling: |
4032 | No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the | |
fcf2a2a2 | 4033 | wind. |
3dda02a9 | 4034 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4035 | First Law of Procrastination: |
4036 | Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
4037 | for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed |
4038 | the deadline). | |
3dda02a9 | 4039 | % |
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4040 | First Law of Socio-Genetics: |
4041 | Celibacy is not hereditary. | |
3dda02a9 | 4042 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4043 | First Rule of History: |
4044 | History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
4045 | other. |
4046 | % | |
4047 | "First things first -- but not necessarily in that order" | |
4048 | -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who" | |
4049 | % | |
4050 | First, a few words about tools. | |
4051 | ||
4052 | Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of | |
4053 | the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously | |
4054 | injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If | |
4055 | you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look | |
4056 | particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for | |
4057 | granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face. | |
4058 | -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" | |
4059 | % | |
4060 | Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. | |
4061 | -- Robert Firth | |
3dda02a9 | 4062 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4063 | Flappity, floppity, flip |
4064 | The mouse on the m"\bobius strip; | |
4065 | The strip revolved, | |
4066 | The mouse dissolved | |
4067 | In a chronodimensional skip. | |
3dda02a9 | 4068 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
4069 | FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when |
4070 | the little hand is on the .... | |
4071 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4072 | Flon's Law: |
4073 | There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
4074 | the least bit difficult to write bad programs. |
4075 | % | |
4076 | Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her | |
4077 | husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my | |
4078 | joules!" | |
4079 | ||
4080 | "Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux | |
4081 | a moment. Perhaps they're mislead." | |
4082 | ||
4083 | "No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them | |
4084 | in my burette ... We must call a copper." | |
4085 | ||
4086 | Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms, | |
4087 | said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name | |
4088 | of Lawrence Ium. | |
4089 | ||
4090 | "We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and | |
4091 | dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can | |
4092 | catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an | |
4093 | activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ... | |
4094 | -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations" | |
4095 | % | |
4096 | flowchart, n. & v.: | |
4097 | [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart | |
4098 | "a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."] | |
4099 | 1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction | |
4100 | problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation | |
4101 | using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic | |
4102 | doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for | |
4103 | wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A | |
4104 | thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's | |
4105 | Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce | |
4106 | flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate | |
4107 | (a problem) with esoteric cartoons. | |
4108 | -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 4109 | % |
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4110 | Flugg's Law: |
4111 | When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
4112 | world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. |
4113 | % | |
4114 | Flying saucers on occasion | |
4115 | Show themselves to human eyes. | |
4116 | Aliens fume, put off invasion | |
4117 | While they brand these tales as lies. | |
4118 | % | |
4119 | Fog Lamps, n.: | |
4120 | Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the | |
4121 | fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the | |
4122 | driver's brain is in a fog. | |
4123 | ||
4124 | See also "Idiot Lights". | |
4125 | % | |
4126 | Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing. | |
4127 | -- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo" | |
4128 | % | |
4129 | For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ... | |
3dda02a9 | 4130 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 4131 | For a good time, call (415) 642-9483 |
3dda02a9 | 4132 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
4133 | For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a |
4134 | cat. | |
4135 | % | |
4136 | "For an adequate time call 555-3321" | |
4137 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4138 | For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be |
4139 | always old-fashioned. | |
3dda02a9 | 4140 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4141 | For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, |
4142 | and wrong. | |
4143 | -- H. L. Mencken | |
3dda02a9 | 4144 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4145 | For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. |
4146 | -- R. Clopton | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
4147 | % |
4148 | "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence | |
4149 | of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind." | |
4150 | ||
4151 | "Whose?" | |
4152 | ||
4153 | "MINE! HA-HA!" | |
4154 | % | |
4155 | For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two. | |
4156 | % | |
4157 | For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire | |
4158 | life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days | |
4159 | now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets | |
4160 | when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch | |
4161 | in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have | |
4162 | the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which | |
4163 | means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are | |
4164 | advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are | |
4165 | the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their | |
4166 | names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot | |
4167 | ("part of this complete breakfast"). | |
4168 | -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" | |
4169 | % | |
4170 | For perfect happiness, remember two things: | |
4171 | (1) Be content with what you've got. | |
4172 | (2) Be sure you've got plenty. | |
3dda02a9 | 4173 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4174 | For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say |
4175 | "Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something. | |
4176 | -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to | |
4177 | the U.S. | |
3dda02a9 | 4178 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 4179 | For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz. |
3dda02a9 | 4180 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4181 | "For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of |
4182 | a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last step of doing away with | |
4183 | computers altogether?" | |
4184 | -- Jehan Shuman | |
3dda02a9 | 4185 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4186 | For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they |
4187 | like. | |
4188 | -- Abraham Lincoln | |
3dda02a9 | 4189 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
4190 | "For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but |
4191 | phone calls taper off." | |
4192 | -- Johnny Carson | |
4193 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4194 | For years a secret shame destroyed my peace -- |
4195 | I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. | |
4196 | But now I think a thought that brings me hope: | |
4197 | Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. | |
4198 | -- Justin Richardson. | |
3dda02a9 | 4199 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
4200 | For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH! |
4201 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4202 | Forgetfulness, n.: |
4203 | A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their | |
4204 | destitution of conscience. | |
3dda02a9 | 4205 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
4206 | Forms follow function, and often obliterate it. |
4207 | % | |
4208 | FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS! #6 | |
4209 | ||
4210 | RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min. | |
4211 | One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and | |
4212 | arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating | |
4213 | hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison. | |
4214 | % | |
4215 | fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate: | |
4216 | ||
4217 | I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine. | |
4218 | "Hey you, get off my plate" | |
4219 | -- Roger Midnight | |
4220 | % | |
4221 | Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week: | |
4222 | "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?" | |
4223 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4224 | Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month): |
4225 | ||
4226 | Don't Write On Walls! | |
4227 | ||
4228 | (and underneath) | |
4229 | ||
4230 | You want I should type? | |
3dda02a9 | 4231 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
4232 | Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky): |
4233 | No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this | |
4234 | State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed | |
4235 | with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females | |
4236 | weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it | |
4237 | apply to female horses. | |
4238 | % | |
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4239 | Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful |
4240 | Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an | |
4241 | impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and | |
4242 | clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following | |
4243 | exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan. | |
4244 | ||
4245 | DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are | |
4246 | having to artificially propagate oysters and clams. | |
4247 | HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters? | |
4248 | DINGELL: They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter | |
4249 | is that female oysters through their living habits cast out | |
4250 | large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large | |
fcf2a2a2 | 4251 | amounts of fertilization ... |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4252 | HOFFMAN: Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many |
4253 | teenagers who read The Congressional Record. | |
3dda02a9 | 4254 | % |
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4255 | Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week: |
4256 | ||
4257 | Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige. | |
4258 | % | |
4259 | FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS #14 | |
4260 | ||
4261 | Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good | |
4262 | liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and | |
4263 | light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything | |
4264 | drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck. | |
4265 | % | |
4266 | Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18: | |
4267 | ||
4268 | Q: Are you married? | |
4269 | A: No, I'm divorced. | |
4270 | Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him? | |
4271 | A: A lot of things I didn't know about. | |
4272 | % | |
4273 | Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19: | |
4274 | ||
4275 | Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? | |
4276 | A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. | |
4277 | % | |
4278 | Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29: | |
4279 | ||
4280 | THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present | |
4281 | information and prejudice from your minds, if you have | |
4282 | any ... | |
4283 | % | |
4284 | Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32: | |
4285 | ||
4286 | Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? | |
4287 | A: I will be three months November 8th. | |
4288 | Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? | |
4289 | A: Yes. | |
4290 | Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time? | |
4291 | % | |
4292 | Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37: | |
4293 | ||
4294 | Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears? | |
4295 | A: No. | |
4296 | Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears? | |
4297 | A: Picking them up in the air. | |
4298 | Q: Where was the dog at this time? | |
4299 | A: Attached to the ears. | |
4300 | % | |
4301 | Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3: | |
4302 | ||
4303 | Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were | |
4304 | able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to | |
4305 | go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with | |
4306 | him to the station? | |
4307 | MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. | |
4308 | % | |
4309 | Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41: | |
4310 | ||
4311 | Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? | |
4312 | A: By death. | |
4313 | Q: And by whose death was it terminated? | |
4314 | % | |
4315 | Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52: | |
4316 | ||
4317 | Q: What is your name? | |
4318 | A: Ernestine McDowell. | |
4319 | Q: And what is your marital status? | |
4320 | A: Fair. | |
4321 | % | |
4322 | Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7: | |
4323 | ||
4324 | Q: What happened then? | |
4325 | A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify | |
4326 | me." | |
4327 | Q: Did he kill you? | |
4328 | A: No. | |
4329 | % | |
4330 | fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped. | |
4331 | % | |
4332 | Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samuri | |
4333 | sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles. | |
4334 | ||
4335 | Oh, and have a nice day! | |
4336 | -- Bryce Nesbitt '84 | |
4337 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4338 | Fourth Law of Applied Terror: |
4339 | The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
4340 | instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. |
4341 | ||
58fe6ef4 KB |
4342 | Corollary: |
4343 | Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do | |
fcf2a2a2 | 4344 | except study for that instructor's course. |
3dda02a9 | 4345 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4346 | Fourth Law of Revision: |
4347 | It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
4348 | interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you. |
4349 | % | |
4350 | Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not | |
4351 | almost one, it is damn near zero. | |
4352 | -- David Ellis | |
4353 | % | |
4354 | Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a | |
4355 | policeman's tie. | |
3dda02a9 | 4356 | % |
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4357 | Fresco's Discovery: |
4358 | If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored. | |
3dda02a9 | 4359 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4360 | Friends, Romans, Hipsters, |
4361 | Let me clue you in; | |
fcf2a2a2 | 4362 | I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him. |
58fe6ef4 | 4363 | The square kicks some cats are on stay with them; |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
4364 | The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus |
4365 | Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes; | |
58fe6ef4 | 4366 | If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea, |
fcf2a2a2 | 4367 | And, like, old Caesar really set them straight. |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4368 | Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat; |
4369 | So are they all, all cool cats, -- | |
fcf2a2a2 | 4370 | Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down. |
3dda02a9 | 4371 | % |
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4372 | Frisbeetarianism, n.: |
4373 | The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and | |
4374 | gets stuck. | |
3dda02a9 | 4375 | % |
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4376 | Frobnicate, v.: |
4377 | To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ. | |
4378 | Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a | |
4379 | frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK | |
4380 | sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless | |
4381 | manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse | |
4382 | search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is | |
4383 | turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it | |
4384 | he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the | |
4385 | screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because | |
4386 | turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it. | |
3dda02a9 | 4387 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
4388 | Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.: |
4389 | An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to | |
4390 | electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to | |
4391 | FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and | |
4392 | FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl. | |
4393 | FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure | |
4394 | via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be | |
4395 | applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures. | |
4396 | % | |
4397 | [From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology | |
4398 | Association, in Rome]: | |
4399 | ||
4400 | The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria | |
4401 | and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not | |
4402 | spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods, | |
4403 | or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in | |
4404 | millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have | |
4405 | reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology | |
4406 | engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general, | |
4407 | president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social | |
4408 | schizophrenia in mass genocide. | |
4409 | % | |
4410 | From the "Guiness Book of World Records", 1973: | |
4411 | ||
4412 | Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and | |
4413 | the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the | |
4414 | Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his | |
4415 | candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground | |
4416 | nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts, | |
4417 | other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not | |
4418 | qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their | |
4419 | being nuts (unground)." | |
4420 | % | |
4421 | From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was | |
4422 | convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. | |
4423 | -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults" | |
4424 | % | |
4425 | [From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made | |
4426 | in Japan]: | |
4427 | ||
4428 | The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT | |
4429 | MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is | |
4430 | featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality | |
4431 | against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design", | |
4432 | "flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00 | |
4433 | Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile | |
4434 | operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc. | |
4435 | ||
4436 | And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help | |
4437 | achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by | |
4438 | HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being. | |
4439 | % | |
4440 | From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the | |
4441 | instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new | |
4442 | experience in sound: | |
4443 | ||
4444 | 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading | |
4445 | sound is normal for this type of connector. | |
4446 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4447 | From too much love of living, |
4448 | From hope and fear set free, | |
4449 | We thank with brief thanksgiving, | |
4450 | Whatever gods may be, | |
4451 | That no life lives forever, | |
4452 | That dead men rise up never, | |
4453 | That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea. | |
4454 | -- Swinburne | |
3dda02a9 | 4455 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
4456 | Fuch's Warning: |
4457 | If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well | |
4458 | enough to travel. | |
4459 | % | |
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4460 | Fudd's First Law of Opposition: |
4461 | Push something hard enough and it will fall over. | |
3dda02a9 | 4462 | % |
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4463 | Furbling, v.: |
4464 | Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank | |
4465 | even when you are the only person in line. | |
4466 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" | |
3dda02a9 | 4467 | % |
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4468 | Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. |
4469 | -- H. H. Williams | |
3dda02a9 | 4470 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 4471 | Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening. |
3dda02a9 | 4472 | % |
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4473 | G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One |
4474 | of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his | |
4475 | secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
4476 | `No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And |
4477 | that's your chance, my boy." | |
3dda02a9 | 4478 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 4479 | Garbage In -- Gospel Out. |
3dda02a9 | 4480 | % |
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4481 | Garter, n.: |
4482 | An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her | |
4483 | stockings and desolating the country. | |
4484 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 4485 | % |
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4486 | Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall |
4487 | on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! | |
4488 | -- Adventures of Asterix. | |
3dda02a9 | 4489 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4490 | Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". |
4491 | ||
4492 | Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound | |
4493 | than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: | |
4494 | "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." | |
4495 | Obvious, isn't it? | |
4496 | Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start | |
4497 | speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as | |
4498 | long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all | |
4499 | your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and | |
4500 | so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed | |
4501 | individuals and then grow ... | |
4502 | Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those | |
4503 | signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when | |
4504 | everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on | |
4505 | the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs | |
4506 | backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I | |
4507 | think not, my friend, I think not. | |
4508 | -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" | |
fcf2a2a2 | 4509 | % |
bb980f51 | 4510 | "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
4511 | extracurricular activity except you." |
4512 | "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" | |
4513 | "Only to ten, Mudhead." | |
4514 | ||
4515 | -- Firesign Theater | |
4516 | % | |
4517 | "Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore." | |
4518 | % | |
4519 | GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) | |
4520 | You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you | |
4521 | because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much | |
4522 | for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for | |
4523 | committing incest. | |
4524 | % | |
4525 | GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20) | |
4526 | Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while | |
4527 | you can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise | |
4528 | and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short | |
4529 | trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room. | |
3dda02a9 | 4530 | % |
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4531 | Genderplex, n.: |
4532 | The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to | |
4533 | determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and | |
4534 | tortoises). | |
4535 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" | |
3dda02a9 | 4536 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4537 | Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why |
4538 | you should. | |
3dda02a9 | 4539 | % |
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4540 | Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus |
4541 | handicapped. | |
4542 | -- Elbert Hubbard | |
3dda02a9 | 4543 | % |
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4544 | Genius, n.: |
4545 | A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with | |
4546 | "bright". | |
3dda02a9 | 4547 | % |
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4548 | George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0. |
4549 | -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 | |
4550 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 4551 | George Orwell was an optimist. |
3dda02a9 | 4552 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
4553 | George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to |
4554 | have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend. | |
4555 | -- Ashley Cooper | |
4556 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 4557 | Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: |
fcf2a2a2 | 4558 | (1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong |
58fe6ef4 | 4559 | direction. |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
4560 | (2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. |
4561 | (3) The energy required to change either one of these states | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4562 | will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so |
4563 | much as to make the task totally impossible. | |
3dda02a9 | 4564 | % |
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4565 | Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. |
4566 | % | |
4567 | Get GUMMed | |
4568 | --- ------ | |
4569 | The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April | |
4570 | 1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above | |
4571 | the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep | |
4572 | each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered | |
4573 | chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek | |
4574 | nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three | |
4575 | days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two | |
4576 | seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user- | |
4577 | friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is | |
4578 | Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis | |
4579 | "cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You | |
4580 | Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because | |
4581 | all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we | |
4582 | could tell them. | |
4583 | -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84 | |
4584 | % | |
4585 | Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children! | |
4586 | % | |
4587 | -- Gifts for Children -- | |
4588 | ||
4589 | This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children, | |
4590 | because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months | |
4591 | and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- | |
4592 | morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children | |
4593 | exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If | |
4594 | your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You | |
4595 | Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it | |
4596 | might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe | |
4597 | me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child | |
4598 | who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift. | |
4599 | -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" | |
4600 | % | |
4601 | -- Gifts for Men -- | |
4602 | ||
4603 | Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional | |
4604 | ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you | |
4605 | should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the | |
4606 | clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For | |
4607 | example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only | |
4608 | three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, | |
4609 | that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh | |
4610 | at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?"). | |
4611 | So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several | |
4612 | years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will | |
4613 | pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. | |
4614 | ||
4615 | If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More | |
4616 | than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set | |
4617 | of tires. | |
4618 | -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" | |
3dda02a9 | 4619 | % |
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4620 | Gimmie That Old Time Religion |
4621 | We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids, | |
4622 | Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods, | |
4623 | I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids, | |
4624 | And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me! | |
4625 | (chorus) (chorus) | |
4626 | ||
4627 | In the church of Aphrodite, | |
4628 | The priestess wears a see-through nightie, | |
4629 | She's a mighty righteous sightie, | |
4630 | And she's good enough for me! | |
4631 | (chorus) | |
4632 | ||
4633 | CHORUS: Give me that old time religion, | |
4634 | Give me that old time religion, | |
4635 | Give me that old time religion, | |
4636 | 'Cause it's good enough for me! | |
3dda02a9 | 4637 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 4638 | Ginsberg's Theorem: |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
4639 | (1) You can't win. |
4640 | (2) You can't break even. | |
4641 | (3) You can't even quit the game. | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4642 | |
4643 | Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4644 | Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem |
4645 | meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's | |
4646 | Theorem. To wit: | |
4647 | ||
fcf2a2a2 KB |
4648 | (1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. |
4649 | (2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break | |
58fe6ef4 | 4650 | even. |
fcf2a2a2 | 4651 | (3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the |
58fe6ef4 | 4652 | game. |
3dda02a9 | 4653 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4654 | Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place |
4655 | to stand, and I will drain the world. | |
3dda02a9 | 4656 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
4657 | "Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war." |
4658 | -- Napolean | |
4659 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 4660 | Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities! |
3dda02a9 | 4661 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4662 | Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to |
4663 | a new town. | |
3dda02a9 | 4664 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 4665 | Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. |
3dda02a9 | 4666 | % |
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4667 | "Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying |
4668 | around, I'd rather lie around. No contest." | |
4669 | -- Eric Clapton | |
4670 | % | |
4671 | Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: | |
4672 | Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP | |
4673 | machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf. | |
4674 | -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 | |
4675 | % | |
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4676 | Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: |
4677 | Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
4678 | probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some |
4679 | useful work done. | |
4680 | % | |
4681 | Gnagloot, n.: | |
4682 | A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to | |
4683 | impress people. | |
4684 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" | |
4685 | % | |
4686 | Go 'way! You're bothering me! | |
4687 | % | |
4688 | Go climb a gravity well! | |
3dda02a9 | 4689 | % |
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4690 | Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may |
4691 | be in owning a piece thereof. | |
fcf2a2a2 | 4692 | -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" |
3dda02a9 | 4693 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 4694 | //GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH |
3dda02a9 | 4695 | % |
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4696 | God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six |
4697 | days and then pulled an all-nighter. | |
4698 | % | |
4699 | God doesn't play dice. | |
4700 | -- Albert Einstein | |
3dda02a9 | 4701 | % |
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4702 | "God gives burdens; also shoulders" |
4703 | ||
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4704 | Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the |
4705 | end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I | |
4706 | can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why | |
4707 | would he lie about a thing like that? | |
58fe6ef4 | 4708 | -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" |
3dda02a9 | 4709 | % |
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4710 | God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ... |
4711 | The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do | |
4712 | not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman | |
4713 | ... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on | |
4714 | smoking and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and | |
4715 | water is not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in | |
4716 | the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at | |
4717 | night! | |
4718 | -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher | |
3dda02a9 | 4719 | % |
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4720 | God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh |
4721 | % | |
4722 | God is a polythiest | |
4723 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4724 | God is Dead |
4725 | -- Nietzsche | |
4726 | Nietzsche is Dead | |
4727 | -- God | |
4728 | Nietzsche is God | |
4729 | -- The Dead | |
3dda02a9 | 4730 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 4731 | God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's |
3dda02a9 | 4732 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 4733 | God is real, unless declared integer. |
3dda02a9 | 4734 | % |
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4735 | God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the |
4736 | elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying | |
4737 | other things. | |
4738 | -- Pablo Picasso | |
3dda02a9 | 4739 | % |
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4740 | God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. |
4741 | -- Alfred Jarry | |
3dda02a9 | 4742 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 4743 | God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. |
3dda02a9 | 4744 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 4745 | God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. |
3dda02a9 | 4746 | % |
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4747 | God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board |
4748 | -- Mark Twain | |
3dda02a9 | 4749 | % |
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4750 | God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. |
4751 | -- Kronecker | |
3dda02a9 | 4752 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 4753 | God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. |
3dda02a9 | 4754 | % |
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4755 | God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. |
4756 | -- Albert Einstein | |
3dda02a9 | 4757 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 4758 | God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them. |
3dda02a9 | 4759 | % |
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4760 | God rest ye CS students now, |
4761 | Let nothing you dismay. | |
4762 | The VAX is down and won't be up, | |
4763 | Until the first of May. | |
4764 | The program that was due this morn, | |
4765 | Won't be postponed, they say. | |
4766 | ||
4767 | Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, | |
4768 | Comfort and joy, | |
4769 | Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. | |
4770 | ||
4771 | The bearings on the drum are gone, | |
4772 | The disk is wobbling, too. | |
4773 | We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol | |
4774 | Can't tell false from true. | |
4775 | And now we find that we can't get | |
4776 | At Berkeley's 4.2. | |
4777 | ||
4778 | (chorus) | |
3dda02a9 | 4779 | % |
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4780 | Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to |
4781 | school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a | |
4782 | person a car. | |
3dda02a9 | 4783 | % |
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4784 | Gold, n.: |
4785 | A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It | |
4786 | is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who | |
4787 | immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold | |
4788 | hasn't done anything to them. | |
4789 | -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" | |
3dda02a9 | 4790 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 4791 | Goldenstern's Rules: |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
4792 | (1) Always hire a rich attorney |
4793 | (2) Never buy from a rich salesman. | |
3dda02a9 | 4794 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4795 | Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad |
4796 | example. | |
4797 | -- La Rouchefoucauld | |
3dda02a9 | 4798 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 4799 | Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. |
3dda02a9 | 4800 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 4801 | Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. |
3dda02a9 | 4802 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 4803 | Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school. |
3dda02a9 | 4804 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 4805 | Good day to let down old friends who need help. |
3dda02a9 | 4806 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 4807 | Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed. |
3dda02a9 | 4808 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 4809 | Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. |
3dda02a9 | 4810 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
4811 | Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. |
4812 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4813 | Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's |
4814 | new lover. | |
3dda02a9 | 4815 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 4816 | "Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored." |
58fe6ef4 | 4817 | -- George Saunders' dying words |
3dda02a9 | 4818 | % |
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4819 | Gordon's first law: |
4820 | If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing | |
4821 | well. | |
4822 | % | |
4823 | "Gosh that takes me back ... or forward. That's the trouble with time | |
4824 | travel, you never can tell." | |
4825 | -- Dr. Who | |
4826 | % | |
4827 | Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with | |
4828 | time travel, you never can tell." | |
4829 | -- Doctor Who "Androids of Tara" | |
4830 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4831 | Got Mole problems? |
4832 | Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23 | |
3dda02a9 | 4833 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4834 | Goto, n.: |
4835 | A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers | |
4836 | to complain about unstructured programmers. | |
4837 | -- Ray Simard | |
3dda02a9 | 4838 | % |
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4839 | Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage. |
4840 | -- John Updike, "Couples" | |
4841 | % | |
4842 | Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are | |
4843 | different lies. | |
4844 | % | |
4845 | Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know | |
4846 | any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he | |
4847 | doesn't know much. | |
4848 | -- Will Rogers | |
3dda02a9 | 4849 | % |
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4850 | Grabel's Law: |
4851 | 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2. | |
3dda02a9 | 4852 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 4853 | Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture. |
3dda02a9 | 4854 | % |
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4855 | Graduate life: It's not just a job. It's an indenture. |
4856 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4857 | Grandpa Charnock's Law: |
4858 | You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. | |
3dda02a9 | 4859 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 4860 | Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. |
3dda02a9 | 4861 | % |
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4862 | Gray's Law of Programming: |
4863 | `_\bn+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same | |
fcf2a2a2 | 4864 | time as `_\bn' tasks. |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4865 | |
4866 | Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: | |
4867 | `_\bn+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_\bn' trivial tasks. | |
3dda02a9 | 4868 | % |
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4869 | Great minds run in great circles. |
4870 | % | |
4871 | GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917 | |
4872 | ||
4873 | On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then- | |
4874 | Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them | |
4875 | off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I | |
4876 | wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his | |
4877 | mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a | |
4878 | tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men | |
4879 | stood lookout. | |
4880 | % | |
4881 | Green light in a.m. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic | |
58fe6ef4 | 4882 | tickets. |
3dda02a9 | 4883 | % |
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4884 | Greener's Law: |
4885 | Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. | |
3dda02a9 | 4886 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4887 | Grelb's Reminder: |
4888 | Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above | |
fcf2a2a2 | 4889 | average drivers. |
3dda02a9 | 4890 | % |
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4891 | "Grub first, then ethics." |
4892 | -- Bertolt Brecht | |
3dda02a9 | 4893 | % |
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4894 | Gurmlish, n.: |
4895 | The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which | |
4896 | prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his | |
4897 | mouth. | |
4898 | -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" | |
4899 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4900 | Gyroscope, n.: |
4901 | A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also | |
4902 | free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each | |
4903 | other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two | |
4904 | mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the | |
4905 | other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus | |
4906 | offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any | |
4907 | torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin. | |
4908 | -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary | |
3dda02a9 | 4909 | % |
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4910 | H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L. |
4911 | Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude. | |
4912 | -- Maxwell Bodenheim | |
4913 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4914 | H. L. Mencken's Law: |
4915 | Those who can -- do. | |
4916 | Those who can't -- teach. | |
4917 | ||
4918 | Martin's Extension: | |
4919 | Those who cannot teach -- administrate. | |
3dda02a9 | 4920 | % |
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4921 | H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you, |
4922 | Slice him up before he slays you. | |
4923 | Nothing makes you look a slob | |
4924 | Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB). | |
4925 | -- The Roguelet's ABC | |
3dda02a9 | 4926 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 4927 | Hacker's Law: |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
4928 | The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a |
4929 | nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. | |
3dda02a9 | 4930 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 4931 | Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge. |
3dda02a9 | 4932 | % |
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4933 | ... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, |
4934 | and you would not have been informed. | |
4935 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4936 | Hail to the sun god |
4937 | He sure is a fun god | |
4938 | Ra! Ra! Ra! | |
3dda02a9 | 4939 | % |
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4940 | Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big |
4941 | enough majority in any town? | |
4942 | -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn" | |
4943 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 4944 | Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.) |
3dda02a9 | 4945 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
4946 | Half-done: |
4947 | This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4948 | crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference |
4949 | between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like | |
fcf2a2a2 | 4950 | the difference between life and death. |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4951 | You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill |
4952 | there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the | |
4953 | airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough | |
4954 | Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on | |
4955 | Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk | |
4956 | about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the | |
4957 | man, "Let me have a nice half-done." | |
4958 | Worth the trouble, wasn't it? | |
4959 | -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" | |
3dda02a9 | 4960 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 4961 | Hall's Laws of Politics: |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
4962 | (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. |
4963 | (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something | |
4964 | fixed. | |
4965 | (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend | |
4966 | military spending, and conservatives social spending in | |
4967 | their own districts). | |
3dda02a9 | 4968 | % |
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4969 | Hand, n.: |
4970 | A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and | |
4971 | commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. | |
4972 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 4973 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4974 | Hanlon's Razor: |
4975 | Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by | |
fcf2a2a2 | 4976 | stupidity. |
3dda02a9 | 4977 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4978 | Hanson's Treatment of Time: |
4979 | There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days | |
fcf2a2a2 | 4980 | before Saturday. |
3dda02a9 | 4981 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4982 | Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. |
4983 | -- Ogden Nash | |
3dda02a9 | 4984 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4985 | Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. |
4986 | -- Oscar Levant | |
3dda02a9 | 4987 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4988 | Happiness, n.: |
4989 | An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of | |
4990 | another. | |
4991 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 4992 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
4993 | Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances? |
4994 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
4995 | Hardware, n.: |
4996 | The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. | |
3dda02a9 | 4997 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
4998 | Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand |
4999 | convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want. | |
5000 | -- Tobias Smollet | |
5001 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5002 | Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark |
5003 | The Duke is fond of kittens | |
5004 | He likes to take their insides out | |
5005 | And use them for his mittens | |
5006 | From "The Thirteen Clocks" | |
3dda02a9 | 5007 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5008 | Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, |
5009 | Advertising wondrous things. | |
fcf2a2a2 | 5010 | -- Tom Lehrer |
3dda02a9 | 5011 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5012 | Harris's Lament: |
5013 | All the good ones are taken. | |
3dda02a9 | 5014 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5015 | Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: |
5016 | Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment | |
5017 | ruined. | |
5018 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5019 | Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he |
5020 | makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean | |
5021 | famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses | |
5022 | probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you | |
5023 | have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like | |
5024 | enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their | |
5025 | attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock | |
5026 | down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, | |
5027 | just like Richard Nixon." | |
5028 | -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob" | |
3dda02a9 | 5029 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5030 | Hartley's First Law: |
5031 | You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float | |
fcf2a2a2 | 5032 | on his back, you've got something. |
3dda02a9 | 5033 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5034 | Hartley's Second Law: |
5035 | Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. | |
3dda02a9 | 5036 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5037 | Harvard Law: |
5038 | Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5039 | temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will |
5040 | do as it damn well pleases. | |
5041 | % | |
5042 | "Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?" | |
5043 | "Yes, I don't have one." | |
5044 | "Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors ..." | |
5045 | -- E. D'Azevedo, Computer Science 372 | |
3dda02a9 | 5046 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5047 | Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are |
5048 | typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter | |
5049 | keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use | |
5050 | of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is | |
5051 | not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears. | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5052 | % |
5053 | Has your family tried 'em? | |
5054 | ||
5055 | POWDERMILK BISCUITS | |
5056 | ||
5057 | Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! | |
5058 | ||
5059 | They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the | |
5060 | strength to get up and do what needs to be done. | |
5061 | ||
5062 | POWDERMILK BISCUITS | |
5063 | ||
5064 | Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the | |
5065 | biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains | |
5066 | that indicate freshness. | |
3dda02a9 | 5067 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5068 | Hatred, n.: |
5069 | A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's | |
5070 | superiority. | |
5071 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 5072 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5073 | Have an adequate day. |
5074 | % | |
5075 | Have an adequate day. | |
5076 | % | |
5077 | Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is | |
5078 | to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a | |
5079 | non-cynical, or even an informative cookie? | |
5080 | ||
5081 | Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This | |
5082 | still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or | |
5083 | only serves to blunt the warning signs. | |
5084 | ||
5085 | Long live the revolution! | |
5086 | Have a nice day. | |
5087 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5088 | Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell |
5089 | you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time | |
5090 | for play? | |
3dda02a9 | 5091 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5092 | Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, |
5093 | I mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container | |
5094 | filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite | |
5095 | sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in | |
5096 | their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or | |
5097 | mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything , which is why | |
5098 | they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week. | |
5099 | -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" | |
5100 | % | |
5101 | "Have you lived here all your life?" | |
5102 | "Oh, twice that long." | |
5103 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5104 | Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a |
5105 | crack in your sidewalk? | |
3dda02a9 | 5106 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5107 | Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline |
5108 | sharply the minute they start waving guns around? | |
5109 | -- Dr. Who | |
5110 | % | |
5111 | Have you reconsidered a computer career? | |
5112 | % | |
5113 | "He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental | |
5114 | effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable | |
5115 | perversion." | |
5116 | -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails" | |
5117 | % | |
5118 | "He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions" | |
5119 | % | |
5120 | He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation | |
5121 | perfectly delightful. | |
5122 | -- Sydney Smith | |
5123 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5124 | He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and |
5125 | heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope | |
5126 | of ever behaving "normally." | |
5127 | -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" | |
3dda02a9 | 5128 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5129 | He hadn't a single redeeming vice. |
5130 | -- Oscar Wilde | |
3dda02a9 | 5131 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5132 | "He is now rising from affluence to poverty." |
5133 | -- Mark Twain | |
3dda02a9 | 5134 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 5135 | He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered. |
3dda02a9 | 5136 | % |
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5137 | He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. |
5138 | -- John Mason Brown, drama critic | |
3dda02a9 | 5139 | % |
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5140 | He thought he saw an albatross |
5141 | That fluttered 'round the lamp. | |
5142 | He looked again and saw it was | |
5143 | A penny postage stamp. | |
5144 | "You'd best be getting home," he said, | |
5145 | "The nights are rather damp." | |
3dda02a9 | 5146 | % |
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5147 | He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue. |
5148 | -- Jonathon Swift | |
5149 | % | |
5150 | "He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him | |
5151 | insufferable." | |
5152 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5153 | "He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both |
5154 | eyes ..." | |
3dda02a9 | 5155 | % |
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5156 | He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry |
5157 | attacks democracy itself. | |
5158 | -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS | |
3dda02a9 | 5159 | % |
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5160 | He who Laughs, Lasts. |
5161 | % | |
5162 | "He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..." | |
5163 | % | |
5164 | He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be | |
5165 | there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter. | |
5166 | % | |
5167 | "He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..." | |
5168 | % | |
5169 | HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. | |
5170 | SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their ___\b\b\bOWN brains. | |
5171 | -- Walt Kelley | |
5172 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 5173 | Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. |
3dda02a9 | 5174 | % |
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5175 | Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying |
5176 | of nothing. | |
5177 | -- Redd Foxx | |
5178 | % | |
5179 | Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying | |
5180 | of nothing. | |
5181 | -- Redd Foxx | |
5182 | % | |
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5183 | Heaven, n.: |
5184 | A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of | |
5185 | their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you | |
5186 | expound your own. | |
5187 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 5188 | % |
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5189 | Heavy, adj.: |
5190 | Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. | |
3dda02a9 | 5191 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 5192 | "Heisenberg may have slept here" |
3dda02a9 | 5193 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5194 | Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. |
5195 | -- Milton Friedman | |
3dda02a9 | 5196 | % |
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5197 | Heller's Law: |
5198 | The first myth of management is that it exists. | |
5199 | ||
5200 | Johnson's Corollary: | |
5201 | Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the | |
fcf2a2a2 | 5202 | organization. |
3dda02a9 | 5203 | % |
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5204 | "Hello," he lied. |
5205 | -- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent | |
3dda02a9 | 5206 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 5207 | Help a swallow land at Capistrano. |
3dda02a9 | 5208 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5209 | Help fight continental drift. |
5210 | % | |
5211 | Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file! | |
5212 | % | |
5213 | Help stamp out and abolish redundancy. | |
5214 | % | |
5215 | Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70! | |
5216 | % | |
5217 | HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! | |
5218 | -- E. E. CUMMINGS | |
5219 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5220 | Her locks an ancient lady gave |
5221 | Her loving husband's life to save; | |
5222 | And men -- they honored so the dame -- | |
5223 | Upon some stars bestowed her name. | |
5224 | ||
5225 | But to our modern married fair, | |
5226 | Who'd give their lords to save their hair, | |
5227 | No stellar recognition's given. | |
5228 | There are not stars enough in heaven. | |
3dda02a9 | 5229 | % |
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5230 | "Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from |
5231 | Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..." | |
5232 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5233 | Here I sit, broken-hearted, |
5234 | All logged in, but work unstarted. | |
5235 | First net.this and net.that, | |
5236 | And a hot buttered bun for net.fat. | |
5237 | ||
5238 | The boss comes by, and I play the game, | |
5239 | Then I turn back to net.flame. | |
5240 | Is there a cure (I need your views), | |
5241 | For someone trapped in net.news? | |
5242 | ||
5243 | I need your help, I say 'tween sobs, | |
5244 | 'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs. | |
3dda02a9 | 5245 | % |
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5246 | Here in my heart, I am Helen; |
5247 | I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least. | |
5248 | I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"\bel; | |
5249 | I'm Salome, moon of the East. | |
5250 | ||
5251 | Here in my soul I am Sappho; | |
5252 | Lady Hamilton am I, as well. | |
5253 | In me R'\becamier vies with Kitty O'Shea, | |
5254 | With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell. | |
5255 | ||
5256 | I'm all of the glamorous ladies | |
5257 | At whose beckoning history shook. | |
5258 | But you are a man, and see only my pan, | |
5259 | So I stay at home with a book. | |
5260 | -- Dorothy Parker | |
3dda02a9 | 5261 | % |
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5262 | Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical |
5263 | lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach | |
5264 | your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. | |
5265 | Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in | |
5266 | pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, | |
5267 | but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an | |
5268 | important electrical lesson. | |
5269 | ||
5270 | It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed | |
5271 | your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small | |
5272 | objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will | |
5273 | attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and | |
5274 | collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your | |
5275 | friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the | |
5276 | carpet, thus completing the circuit. | |
5277 | ||
5278 | Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without | |
5279 | touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your | |
5280 | finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you | |
5281 | have carpeting. | |
5282 | -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" | |
3dda02a9 | 5283 | % |
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5284 | Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the |
5285 | month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people | |
5286 | are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China. | |
5287 | The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either | |
5288 | (depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax | |
5289 | tadpole". | |
5290 | Bite the wax tadpole. | |
5291 | There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? | |
5292 | The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's | |
5293 | hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to | |
5294 | bite a wax tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, | |
5295 | but broad satiric vistas do not open up. | |
5296 | -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle | |
3dda02a9 | 5297 | % |
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5298 | "Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like |
5299 | `Psychic Wins Lottery'?" | |
5300 | -- Jay Leno | |
3dda02a9 | 5301 | % |
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5302 | Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs, |
5303 | then they'd be algorithms. | |
3dda02a9 | 5304 | % |
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5305 | "Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!" |
5306 | -- W. C. Fields | |
3dda02a9 | 5307 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5308 | Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person |
5309 | reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes, | |
5310 | nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home. | |
3dda02a9 | 5311 | % |
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5312 | "Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. |
5313 | As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of | |
5314 | equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. | |
5315 | Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you | |
5316 | probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of | |
5317 | course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my | |
5318 | experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out | |
5319 | of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser. | |
5320 | ||
5321 | "Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our | |
5322 | motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'" | |
5323 | -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering" | |
5324 | % | |
5325 | Hier liegt ein Mann ganz obnegleich; | |
5326 | Im Leibe dick, an Suden reich. | |
5327 | Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws | |
5328 | Weil es uns dunkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head; | |
5329 | We buried him today because | |
5330 | As far as we can tell, he's dead. | |
5331 | -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty | |
5332 | Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher; | |
5333 | "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter | |
5334 | Schickele | |
5335 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5336 | Higgeldy Piggeldy, |
5337 | Hamlet of Elsinore | |
5338 | Ruffled the critics by | |
5339 | Dropping this bomb: | |
5340 | "Phooey on Freud and his | |
5341 | Psychoanalysis -- | |
5342 | Oedipus, Shmoedipus, | |
fcf2a2a2 | 5343 | I just love Mom." |
3dda02a9 | 5344 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 5345 | Hindsight is an exact science. |
3dda02a9 | 5346 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5347 | Hippogriff, n.: |
5348 | An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. | |
5349 | The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. | |
5350 | The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which | |
5351 | is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full | |
5352 | of surprises. | |
5353 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 5354 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 5355 | Hire the morally handicapped. |
3dda02a9 | 5356 | % |
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5357 | "His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had |
5358 | money, he went to Southern California." | |
5359 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5360 | "His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice" |
5361 | -- Foghorn Leghorn | |
3dda02a9 | 5362 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 5363 | "His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier." |
3dda02a9 | 5364 | % |
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5365 | History is curious stuff |
5366 | You'd think by now we had enough | |
5367 | Yet the fact remains I fear | |
5368 | They make more of it every year. | |
5369 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 5370 | History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history. |
3dda02a9 | 5371 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5372 | History, n.: |
5373 | Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we | |
5374 | learn nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from | |
5375 | what happened this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long | |
5376 | view. | |
5377 | -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" | |
5378 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5379 | Hlade's Law: |
5380 | If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they | |
fcf2a2a2 | 5381 | will find an easier way to do it. |
3dda02a9 | 5382 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5383 | Hoare's Law of Large Problems: |
5384 | Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get | |
fcf2a2a2 | 5385 | out. |
3dda02a9 | 5386 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5387 | Hofstadter's Law: |
5388 | It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take | |
fcf2a2a2 | 5389 | Hofstadter's Law into account. |
3dda02a9 | 5390 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5391 | Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it. |
5392 | -- Rex Reed | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5393 | % |
5394 | Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's | |
5395 | willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop | |
5396 | for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say | |
5397 | "shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home | |
5398 | centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas | |
5399 | trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise | |
5400 | because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every | |
5401 | object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ... | |
5402 | Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the | |
5403 | broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has | |
5404 | a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the | |
5405 | inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the | |
5406 | same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at | |
5407 | an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of | |
5408 | these sometime around the middle of next week". | |
5409 | -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" | |
5410 | % | |
5411 | Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories: | |
5412 | The ultimate in watchdog weaponry. | |
5413 | -- Chris Shaw | |
3dda02a9 | 5414 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 5415 | "Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense" |
3dda02a9 | 5416 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5417 | Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. |
5418 | -- F. M. Hubbard | |
3dda02a9 | 5419 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 5420 | Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..." |
3dda02a9 | 5421 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 5422 | Honk if you love peace and quiet. |
3dda02a9 | 5423 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5424 | Honorable, adj.: |
5425 | Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative | |
5426 | bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the | |
5427 | honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." | |
5428 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 5429 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5430 | Horngren's Observation: |
5431 | Among economists, the real world is often a special case. | |
3dda02a9 | 5432 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5433 | Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on |
5434 | people. | |
5435 | -- W. C. Fields | |
3dda02a9 | 5436 | % |
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5437 | Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa. |
5438 | % | |
5439 | "Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed." | |
5440 | -- Neil Armstrong | |
5441 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 5442 | How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all? |
3dda02a9 | 5443 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 5444 | How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers? |
3dda02a9 | 5445 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 5446 | How come wrong numbers are never busy? |
3dda02a9 | 5447 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5448 | "How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows." |
5449 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5450 | How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? |
5451 | -- Elliot, "E.T." | |
3dda02a9 | 5452 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5453 | How doth the little crocodile |
5454 | Improve his shining tail, | |
5455 | And pour the waters of the Nile | |
5456 | On every golden scale! | |
5457 | ||
5458 | How cheerfully he seems to grin, | |
5459 | How neatly spreads his claws, | |
5460 | And welcomes little fishes in, | |
5461 | With gently smiling jaws! | |
5462 | -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" | |
5463 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5464 | How doth the VAX's C compiler |
5465 | Improve its object code. | |
5466 | And even as we speak does it | |
5467 | Increase the system load. | |
5468 | ||
5469 | How patiently it seems to run | |
5470 | And spit out error flags, | |
5471 | While users, with frustration, all | |
5472 | Tear their clothes to rags. | |
3dda02a9 | 5473 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5474 | How doth the VAX's C-compiler |
5475 | Improve its object code. | |
5476 | And even as we speak does it | |
5477 | Increase the system load. | |
5478 | ||
5479 | How patiently it seems to run | |
5480 | And spit out error flags, | |
5481 | While users, with frustration, all | |
5482 | Tear all their clothes to rags. | |
3dda02a9 | 5483 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5484 | How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're |
5485 | on. | |
3dda02a9 | 5486 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5487 | How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? |
5488 | None: "We'll fix it in software." | |
5489 | ||
5490 | How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? | |
5491 | None: "We'll document it in the manual." | |
5492 | ||
5493 | How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? | |
5494 | None: "The user can work it out." | |
3dda02a9 | 5495 | % |
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5496 | "How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being |
5497 | carried by a waiter at a nice party?" | |
5498 | ||
5499 | Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors | |
5500 | d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell | |
5501 | what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then | |
5502 | say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it | |
5503 | back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another | |
5504 | cheese!" and so on. | |
5505 | -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" | |
5506 | % | |
5507 | How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are | |
5508 | 3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, | |
5509 | who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a | |
5510 | nanocentury. | |
5511 | -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs | |
5512 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5513 | How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to |
5514 | Dayton? | |
5515 | -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey | |
3dda02a9 | 5516 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 5517 | How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. |
3dda02a9 | 5518 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5519 | How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. |
5520 | % | |
5521 | HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: | |
5522 | #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces. | |
5523 | % | |
5524 | HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: | |
5525 | #15 Your pet rock snaps at you. | |
5526 | % | |
5527 | HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: | |
5528 | ||
5529 | #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of | |
5530 | you. | |
5531 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5532 | Howe's Law: |
5533 | Everyone has a scheme that will not work. | |
3dda02a9 | 5534 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5535 | However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional |
5536 | manner ... sulking and nausea. | |
5537 | -- Tom K. Ryan | |
3dda02a9 | 5538 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5539 | HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., |
5540 | motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate | |
5541 | amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. | |
5542 | The Senate amendment was an amendment to the House amendment to the | |
5543 | Senate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the | |
5544 | bill. The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on | |
5545 | the bill. Agreed to. | |
5546 | -- Albuquerque Journal | |
5547 | % | |
5548 | Hug O' War | |
5549 | ||
5550 | I will not play at tug o' war. | |
5551 | I'd rather play at hug o' war, | |
5552 | Where everyone hugs | |
5553 | Instead of tugs, | |
5554 | Where everyone giggles | |
5555 | And rolls on the rug, | |
5556 | Where everyone kisses, | |
5557 | And everyone grins, | |
5558 | And everyone cuddles, | |
5559 | And everyone wins. | |
5560 | -- Shel Silverstein | |
5561 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 5562 | Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. |
3dda02a9 | 5563 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5564 | Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in |
5565 | 1929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an | |
5566 | operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a uretheral | |
5567 | catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of | |
5568 | his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took | |
5569 | the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the | |
5570 | Nobel Prize. | |
3dda02a9 | 5571 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 5572 | Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs. |
3dda02a9 | 5573 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5574 | "Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse." |
5575 | -- William Gilbert | |
3dda02a9 | 5576 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5577 | Hurewitz's Memory Principle: |
5578 | The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional | |
fcf2a2a2 | 5579 | to ..... to ........ uh .............. |
3dda02a9 | 5580 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5581 | I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a |
5582 | professor or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any | |
5583 | other minority viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority. | |
5584 | -- Richard M. Nixon | |
5585 | ||
5586 | What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism? | |
5587 | -- Richard M. Nixon | |
3dda02a9 | 5588 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5589 | "I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder |
5590 | have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products. | |
5591 | This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's | |
5592 | reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go | |
5593 | by some more." | |
5594 | -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM | |
5595 | % | |
5596 | I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work. | |
3dda02a9 | 5597 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5598 | "I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!" |
5599 | -- Paul McCracken | |
3dda02a9 | 5600 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 5601 | "I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger." |
58fe6ef4 | 5602 | -- Gloria Steinem |
3dda02a9 | 5603 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5604 | I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party. |
5605 | -- Dennis Ritchie | |
5606 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5607 | "I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it." |
5608 | -- English Professor | |
3dda02a9 | 5609 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5610 | "I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the |
5611 | great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." | |
58fe6ef4 | 5612 | -- Winston Churchill |
3dda02a9 | 5613 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5614 | "I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone |
5615 | has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top." | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5616 | -- English Professor, Ohio University |
5617 | % | |
5618 | I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast | |
5619 | with an option to buy. | |
5620 | % | |
5621 | "I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater." | |
5622 | % | |
5623 | "I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, | |
5624 | of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell | |
5625 | you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial | |
5626 | atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something | |
5627 | inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering." | |
5628 | -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan | |
5629 | % | |
5630 | "I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of | |
5631 | the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for | |
5632 | you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway." | |
5633 | -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy, | |
5634 | University of Tennessee at Knoxville | |
3dda02a9 | 5635 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5636 | "I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an |
5637 | argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and | |
5638 | steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, | |
5639 | they don't even invite me." | |
5640 | -- Dave Barry | |
3dda02a9 | 5641 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 5642 | 'I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean." |
58fe6ef4 | 5643 | -- G. K. Chesterton |
3dda02a9 | 5644 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 5645 | "I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat." |
58fe6ef4 | 5646 | -- Will Rogers |
3dda02a9 | 5647 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 5648 | "I bet the human brain is a kludge." |
58fe6ef4 | 5649 | -- Marvin Minsky |
3dda02a9 | 5650 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5651 | I brake for chezlogs! |
5652 | % | |
5653 | I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up. | |
5654 | -- Biff Barf | |
5655 | % | |
5656 | I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan | |
5657 | prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very | |
5658 | bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after | |
5659 | relentless day. | |
5660 | -- Betty MacDonald | |
5661 | % | |
5662 | I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself. | |
5663 | % | |
5664 | "I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and | |
5665 | 25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be | |
5666 | true." | |
5667 | -- Harry Truman | |
5668 | % | |
5669 | "I can resist anything but temptation." | |
5670 | % | |
5671 | "I can't complain, but sometimes I still do." | |
5672 | -- Joe Walsh | |
5673 | % | |
5674 | "I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling." | |
5675 | -- Florence Henderson | |
5676 | % | |
5677 | I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can | |
5678 | understand it. | |
5679 | -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands. | |
5680 | % | |
5681 | I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a | |
5682 | novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. | |
5683 | -- Fred Allen | |
3dda02a9 | 5684 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 5685 | "I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions." |
58fe6ef4 | 5686 | -- Lillian Hellman |
3dda02a9 | 5687 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5688 | I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate |
5689 | of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ... | |
5690 | -- F. H. Wales (1936) | |
5691 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5692 | I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar. |
5693 | ||
5694 | What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good | |
5695 | grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause | |
5696 | of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the | |
5697 | United States would have lost World War II." | |
5698 | -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar" | |
3dda02a9 | 5699 | % |
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5700 | "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frodo in a quavering |
5701 | voice. | |
5702 | "No," Said Gandalf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of | |
5703 | course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which | |
5704 | I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in | |
5705 | Elven-lore: | |
5706 | ||
5707 | "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves, | |
5708 | Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves. | |
5709 | Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop, | |
5710 | This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop. | |
5711 | The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring. | |
5712 | The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing. | |
5713 | If broken or busted, it cannot be remade. | |
5714 | If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)." | |
5715 | % | |
5716 | " I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights | |
5717 | instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is | |
5718 | standing still ..." | |
5719 | -- Steven Wright | |
5720 | % | |
5721 | I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather | |
5722 | dance with the cows till you come home. | |
5723 | -- Groucho Marx | |
3dda02a9 | 5724 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5725 | "I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps |
5726 | the time I found out that M&Ms really *do* melt in your hand ..." | |
5727 | -- Peter Oakley | |
5728 | % | |
5729 | "I didn't know it was impossible when I did it." | |
5730 | % | |
5731 | I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. The | |
5732 | curtain was up. | |
5733 | % | |
5734 | I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because | |
5735 | we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently | |
5736 | leads to violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, | |
5737 | in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had | |
5738 | time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the | |
5739 | library, we could call each other up: | |
5740 | ||
5741 | You: Hello? Bob? | |
5742 | Bob: Yes? | |
5743 | You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you | |
5744 | took last Thursday? Outside of Sears? | |
5745 | Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed? | |
5746 | You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is: | |
5747 | "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait. | |
5748 | I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill | |
5749 | and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto | |
5750 | the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to | |
5751 | have to get back to you. | |
5752 | Bob: Fine. | |
5753 | -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" | |
5754 | % | |
5755 | I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an | |
5756 | exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to | |
5757 | minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary | |
5758 | accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a | |
5759 | mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the | |
5760 | bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always | |
5761 | different. | |
5762 | -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.) | |
5763 | % | |
5764 | "I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them." | |
58fe6ef4 | 5765 | -- Isaac Asimov |
3dda02a9 | 5766 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5767 | "I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us |
5768 | with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use." | |
58fe6ef4 | 5769 | -- Galileo Galilei |
3dda02a9 | 5770 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 5771 | "I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should." |
58fe6ef4 | 5772 | -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe |
3dda02a9 | 5773 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5774 | "I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians |
5775 | don't believe in astrology." | |
58fe6ef4 | 5776 | -- James R. F. Quirk |
3dda02a9 | 5777 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5778 | I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just |
5779 | a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more | |
5780 | numbers!! | |
5781 | % | |
5782 | I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of | |
5783 | a frog jumping on my Breakfast. | |
5784 | -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82 | |
5785 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5786 | "I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the |
5787 | nominating" | |
5788 | -- Boss Tweed | |
3dda02a9 | 5789 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5790 | "I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem." |
5791 | -- Ashleigh Brilliant | |
3dda02a9 | 5792 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5793 | "I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of |
5794 | people waiting to abuse me." | |
5795 | -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" | |
5796 | % | |
5797 | I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. | |
5798 | -- Elvis Presley | |
5799 | % | |
5800 | "I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to." | |
5801 | -- Elvis Presley | |
5802 | % | |
5803 | "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said | |
5804 | Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't -- | |
5805 | till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for | |
5806 | you!'" | |
5807 | "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice | |
5808 | objected. | |
5809 | "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful | |
5810 | tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor | |
5811 | less." | |
5812 | "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean | |
5813 | so many different things." | |
5814 | "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master-- | |
5815 | that's all." | |
5816 | -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" | |
3dda02a9 | 5817 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5818 | "I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd |
5819 | eat it, and I just hate it." | |
58fe6ef4 | 5820 | -- Clarence Darrow |
3dda02a9 | 5821 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5822 | "I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path." |
5823 | -- Ronald Mabbitt | |
5824 | % | |
5825 | I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the | |
5826 | streets and frighten the horses. | |
5827 | -- Victor Hugo | |
5828 | % | |
5829 | "I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?" | |
3dda02a9 | 5830 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5831 | "I don't think so," said Ren'\be Descartes. Just then, he vanished. |
5832 | % | |
5833 | "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other | |
5834 | hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out." | |
5835 | % | |
5836 | I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that | |
5837 | the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is | |
5838 | thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists | |
5839 | broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake. | |
5840 | Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off | |
5841 | their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ... | |
5842 | -- Davy Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE | |
5843 | COMING!" | |
5844 | % | |
5845 | I doubt, therefore I might be. | |
5846 | % | |
5847 | "I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5848 | on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment |
5849 | he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual | |
fcf2a2a2 | 5850 | becoming, with a goal in front and not behind." |
58fe6ef4 | 5851 | -- George Bernard Shaw |
3dda02a9 | 5852 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5853 | "I drink to make other people interesting." |
5854 | -- George Jean Nathan | |
3dda02a9 | 5855 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5856 | I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on, |
5857 | so I woke up from sheer boredom. | |
3dda02a9 | 5858 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5859 | I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the |
5860 | accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For | |
5861 | the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that | |
5862 | can't be measured in monetary terms. | |
5863 | ||
5864 | Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have | |
5865 | that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by | |
fcf2a2a2 | 5866 | subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5867 | someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly |
5868 | understand his long delay. | |
3dda02a9 | 5869 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5870 | "I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words." |
5871 | % | |
5872 | "I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very | |
5873 | reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment." | |
5874 | -- Gotama Buddha | |
5875 | % | |
5876 | I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *__________\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\bhorrifying* 20 | |
5877 | minutes of my life! | |
5878 | % | |
5879 | 'I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it." | |
58fe6ef4 | 5880 | -- Mae West |
3dda02a9 | 5881 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5882 | I get up each morning, gather my wits. |
5883 | Pick up the paper, read the obits. | |
5884 | If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. | |
5885 | So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. | |
5886 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5887 | I get up each morning, gather my wits. |
5888 | Pick up the paper, read the obits. | |
5889 | If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. | |
5890 | So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. | |
5891 | ||
5892 | Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent? | |
5893 | My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went. | |
5894 | But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin, | |
5895 | And think of the places my get-up has been. | |
5896 | -- Pete Seeger | |
3dda02a9 | 5897 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5898 | "I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler |
5899 | Moore show I heard the word 'damn'!" | |
5900 | -- Mary Lou Bax | |
5901 | % | |
5902 | "I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense." | |
5903 | % | |
5904 | "I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means | |
5905 | it's going to be up all night." | |
5906 | -- Steven Wright | |
5907 | % | |
5908 | "I hate quotations." | |
58fe6ef4 | 5909 | -- Ralph Waldo Emerson |
3dda02a9 | 5910 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5911 | I have a simple philosophy: |
5912 | ||
5913 | Fill what's empty. | |
5914 | Empty what's full. | |
5915 | Scratch where it itches. | |
5916 | -- A. R. Longworth | |
3dda02a9 | 5917 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5918 | "I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it |
5919 | any time!" | |
5920 | % | |
5921 | "I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, | |
5922 | which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'." | |
5923 | -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" | |
5924 | % | |
5925 | I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth | |
5926 | and they never believe me. | |
5927 | -- Camillo Di Cavour | |
5928 | % | |
5929 | I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it. | |
5930 | -- Edgar Allan Poe | |
5931 | % | |
5932 | "I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You | |
5933 | sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an | |
5934 | eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I | |
5935 | have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of | |
5936 | beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a | |
5937 | guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more | |
5938 | of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry." | |
5939 | -- President Harry S Truman | |
5940 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5941 | I have learned |
5942 | To spell hors d'oeuvres | |
5943 | Which still grates on | |
5944 | Some people's n'oeuvres. | |
5945 | -- Warren Knox | |
3dda02a9 | 5946 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5947 | "I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming |
5948 | that I have never made one." | |
58fe6ef4 | 5949 | -- James Gordon Bennett |
3dda02a9 | 5950 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5951 | "I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to |
5952 | make it shorter." | |
58fe6ef4 | 5953 | -- Blaise Pascal |
3dda02a9 | 5954 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5955 | I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole |
5956 | ____\b\b\b\bBODY! | |
5957 | -- from "Cerebus" #82 | |
5958 | % | |
5959 | "I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer." | |
58fe6ef4 | 5960 | -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" |
3dda02a9 | 5961 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 5962 | "I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best." |
58fe6ef4 | 5963 | -- Oscar Wilde |
3dda02a9 | 5964 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5965 | "I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it |
5966 | scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it. | |
5967 | -- Steven Wright | |
5968 | % | |
5969 | "I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..." | |
5970 | -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 | |
5971 | % | |
5972 | "I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking | |
5973 | his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell | |
5974 | beating up a child." | |
5975 | -- Steven Wright | |
5976 | % | |
5977 | I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked | |
5978 | at in the right way, did not become still more complicated. | |
5979 | -- Poul Anderson | |
3dda02a9 | 5980 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5981 | "I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere." |
5982 | % | |
5983 | "I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it." | |
5984 | % | |
5985 | I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!! | |
3dda02a9 | 5986 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
5987 | "I just need enough to tide me over until I need more." |
5988 | -- Bill Hoest | |
3dda02a9 | 5989 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5990 | I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once. |
5991 | % | |
5992 | "I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World | |
5993 | War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." | |
58fe6ef4 | 5994 | -- Albert Einstein |
3dda02a9 | 5995 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
5996 | "I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! |
5997 | The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building." | |
5998 | -- Charles Schulz | |
5999 | % | |
6000 | "I like being single. I'm always there when I need me." | |
58fe6ef4 | 6001 | -- Art Leo |
3dda02a9 | 6002 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6003 | I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to |
6004 | promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want | |
6005 | peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of | |
6006 | the way and let them have it. | |
6007 | -- Dwight D. Eisenhower | |
6008 | % | |
6009 | "I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours." | |
6010 | % | |
6011 | "I like your game but we have to change the rules." | |
6012 | % | |
6013 | "I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what | |
6014 | entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils." | |
6015 | -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson | |
3dda02a9 | 6016 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6017 | "I love to eat them Smurfies |
6018 | Smurfies what I love to eat | |
6019 | Bite they ugly heads off, | |
6020 | Nibble on they bluish feet." | |
6021 | % | |
6022 | "I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but | |
6023 | don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the | |
6024 | speed of light." | |
6025 | -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk | |
3dda02a9 | 6026 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6027 | "I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent." |
6028 | -- Ashleigh Brilliant | |
3dda02a9 | 6029 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6030 | "I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a |
6031 | week sometimes to make it up." | |
6032 | -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" | |
3dda02a9 | 6033 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 6034 | I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts |
3dda02a9 | 6035 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6036 | "I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do |
6037 | was to go away." | |
6038 | % | |
6039 | "I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like." | |
6040 | % | |
6041 | I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation. | |
6042 | -- G. B. Shaw | |
6043 | % | |
6044 | "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!" | |
6045 | -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus) | |
6046 | % | |
6047 | "I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the | |
6048 | kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled | |
6049 | substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no | |
6050 | restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we | |
6051 | made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given | |
6052 | powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative | |
6053 | nerve disease." | |
6054 | -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" | |
3dda02a9 | 6055 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 6056 | I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow! |
3dda02a9 | 6057 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6058 | "I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral |
6059 | slob." | |
58fe6ef4 | 6060 | -- William F. Buckley |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6061 | % |
6062 | "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of | |
6063 | that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put | |
6064 | more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it | |
6065 | might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not | |
6066 | otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be | |
6067 | otherwise.'" | |
6068 | -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" | |
6069 | % | |
6070 | I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that | |
6071 | the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional | |
6072 | congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile | |
6073 | so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the | |
6074 | plumber. | |
6075 | ||
6076 | But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such | |
6077 | as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of | |
6078 | the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never | |
6079 | win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually | |
6080 | write about, such as nose-picking. | |
6081 | -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against | |
6082 | Political Fallout" | |
3dda02a9 | 6083 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6084 | I really hate this damned machine |
6085 | I wish that they would sell it. | |
6086 | It never does quite what I want | |
6087 | But only what I tell it. | |
3dda02a9 | 6088 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 6089 | "I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person." |
3dda02a9 | 6090 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6091 | I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope |
6092 | they do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em. | |
6093 | -- Will Rogers | |
6094 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6095 | I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, |
6096 | I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. | |
6097 | Bernoulli would have been content to die | |
6098 | Had he but known such _\ba-squared cos 2(phi)! | |
6099 | -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" | |
3dda02a9 | 6100 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6101 | I sent a letter to the fish, |
6102 | I told them, "This is what I wish." | |
6103 | The little fishes of the sea, | |
6104 | They sent an answer back to me. | |
6105 | The little fishes' answer was | |
6106 | "We cannot do it, sir, because ..." | |
6107 | I sent a letter back to say | |
6108 | It would be better to obey. | |
6109 | But someone came to me and said | |
6110 | "The little fishes are in bed." | |
6111 | I said to him, and I said it plain | |
6112 | "Then you must wake them up again." | |
6113 | I said it very loud and clear, | |
6114 | I went and shouted in his ear. | |
6115 | But he was very stiff and proud, | |
6116 | He said "You needn't shout so loud." | |
6117 | And he was very proud and stiff, | |
6118 | He said "I'll go and wake them if ..." | |
6119 | I took a kettle from the shelf, | |
6120 | I went to wake them up myself. | |
6121 | But when I found the door was locked | |
6122 | I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked, | |
6123 | And when I found the door was shut, | |
6124 | I tried to turn the handle, But ... | |
6125 | ||
6126 | "Is that all?" asked Alice. | |
6127 | "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye." | |
6128 | -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" | |
3dda02a9 | 6129 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6130 | "I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck." |
6131 | -- Graffito in Los Angeles | |
6132 | % | |
6133 | "... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was | |
6134 | supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which | |
6135 | actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..." | |
6136 | -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning | |
6137 | Points in l'Amour" | |
6138 | % | |
6139 | "I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full | |
6140 | house and four people died." | |
6141 | -- Steven Wright | |
6142 | % | |
6143 | "I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to | |
6144 | see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph." | |
6145 | -- Shirley Temple | |
6146 | % | |
6147 | I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do | |
6148 | too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which | |
6149 | direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After | |
6150 | much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot | |
6151 | tub to face is up. | |
6152 | -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" | |
6153 | % | |
6154 | "I think it is true for all _\bn. I was just playing it safe with _\bn >= 3 | |
6155 | because I couldn't remember the proof." | |
6156 | -- Baker, Pure Math 351a | |
6157 | % | |
6158 | "I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it." | |
6159 | % | |
6160 | I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick | |
6161 | and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this | |
6162 | country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people | |
6163 | in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly | |
6164 | not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am. | |
6165 | -- Monty Python | |
6166 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6167 | I think that I shall never see |
6168 | A billboard lovely as a tree. | |
6169 | Perhaps, unless the billboards fall | |
6170 | I'll never see a tree at all. | |
6171 | -- Ogden Nash | |
3dda02a9 | 6172 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6173 | I think that I shall never see |
6174 | A thing as lovely as a tree. | |
6175 | But as you see the trees have gone | |
6176 | They went this morning with the dawn. | |
6177 | A logging firm from out of town | |
6178 | Came and chopped the trees all down. | |
6179 | But I will trick those dirty skunks | |
6180 | And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'. | |
6181 | % | |
6182 | "I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple | |
6183 | to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the | |
6184 | farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light | |
6185 | into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from | |
6186 | the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing | |
6187 | off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the | |
6188 | color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on | |
6189 | out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars | |
6190 | singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors." | |
6191 | -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club | |
6192 | % | |
6193 | I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown | |
6194 | ... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think | |
6195 | we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today. | |
6196 | When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we | |
6197 | are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was | |
6198 | driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa | |
6199 | Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin, | |
6200 | were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous | |
6201 | conversation ... | |
6202 | -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" | |
6203 | % | |
6204 | "I thought you were trying to get into shape." | |
6205 | "I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle." | |
6206 | % | |
6207 | " ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a | |
6208 | pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!" | |
6209 | -- Winston Churchill | |
6210 | % | |
6211 | I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in | |
6212 | twenty minutes. It's about Russia. | |
6213 | -- Woody Allen | |
6214 | % | |
6215 | I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure. | |
6216 | % | |
6217 | "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance." | |
3dda02a9 | 6218 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6219 | "I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure." |
6220 | % | |
6221 | "I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my | |
6222 | body. Then I realized who was telling me this." | |
6223 | -- Emo Phillips | |
6224 | % | |
6225 | I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere | |
6226 | near the place. | |
6227 | -- Steven Wright | |
6228 | % | |
6229 | I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to | |
6230 | animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for | |
6231 | anything connected with society except that which makes the roads | |
6232 | safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women | |
6233 | warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer. | |
6234 | -- Brendan Behan | |
3dda02a9 | 6235 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6236 | "I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St. |
6237 | Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE | |
6238 | HAW"!!'" | |
6239 | -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County" | |
3dda02a9 | 6240 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6241 | I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know |
6242 | anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is | |
6243 | a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows | |
6244 | up. | |
6245 | -- Will Rogers | |
6246 | % | |
6247 | "I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I | |
6248 | put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured | |
6249 | what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I | |
6250 | should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to | |
6251 | get off my driveway." | |
6252 | -- Steven Wright | |
6253 | % | |
6254 | "I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I | |
6255 | didn't know." | |
58fe6ef4 | 6256 | -- Mark Twain |
3dda02a9 | 6257 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6258 | I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending |
6259 | their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to | |
6260 | buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike. | |
6261 | -- Emile Henry Gauvreay | |
6262 | % | |
6263 | "I was playing poker the other night ... with Tarot cards. I got a full | |
6264 | house and four people died." | |
6265 | -- Steven Wright | |
6266 | % | |
6267 | "I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything | |
6268 | specific". | |
6269 | -- Steven Wright | |
6270 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6271 | I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained |
6272 | it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass | |
6273 | stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. | |
6274 | I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be | |
6275 | absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had | |
6276 | developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case. | |
6277 | Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's | |
6278 | temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I | |
6279 | chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to | |
6280 | the point where it would not run at all. | |
6281 | -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black | |
6282 | Holes and the Fate of Stars" | |
3dda02a9 | 6283 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6284 | "I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any |
6285 | questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the | |
6286 | speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen? | |
6287 | ||
6288 | He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work | |
6289 | for him then. | |
6290 | -- Steven Wright | |
6291 | % | |
6292 | "I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in | |
6293 | the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't | |
6294 | included." | |
6295 | -- Steven Wright | |
6296 | % | |
6297 | "I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the | |
6298 | statues that are in all the other museums." | |
6299 | -- Steven Wright | |
6300 | % | |
6301 | I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that | |
6302 | it took seven others to beat him! | |
6303 | % | |
6304 | "I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. | |
6305 | There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work." | |
58fe6ef4 | 6306 | -- Gallagher |
3dda02a9 | 6307 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6308 | "I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've |
6309 | always worked for me." | |
58fe6ef4 | 6310 | -- Hunter S. Thompson |
3dda02a9 | 6311 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6312 | "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous." |
6313 | % | |
6314 | "I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got | |
6315 | to undo it." | |
6316 | % | |
6317 | "I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat." | |
6318 | % | |
6319 | "I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I | |
6320 | snore." | |
6321 | % | |
6322 | "I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in | |
6323 | `Y.'" | |
6324 | % | |
6325 | "I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my | |
6326 | blender." | |
6327 | % | |
6328 | "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my | |
6329 | garage door." | |
6330 | % | |
6331 | "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from | |
6332 | Julian to Gregorian." | |
6333 | % | |
6334 | "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for | |
6335 | static cling." | |
6336 | % | |
6337 | "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered." | |
6338 | % | |
6339 | "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my | |
6340 | cottage cheese sculpture." | |
6341 | % | |
6342 | "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving." | |
6343 | % | |
6344 | "I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma | |
6345 | transplant." | |
6346 | % | |
6347 | "I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night." | |
6348 | % | |
6349 | "I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV." | |
6350 | % | |
6351 | "I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never | |
6352 | came back." | |
6353 | % | |
6354 | "I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to say | |
6355 | tuned." | |
6356 | % | |
6357 | "I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that | |
6358 | need worrying about." | |
6359 | % | |
6360 | "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy." | |
6361 | % | |
6362 | "I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, | |
6363 | carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia, | |
6364 | I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun." | |
6365 | -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H | |
6366 | % | |
6367 | I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd | |
6368 | listen to it! | |
6369 | -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire | |
6370 | % | |
6371 | I'll grant thee random access to my heart, | |
6372 | Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love; | |
6373 | And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove | |
6374 | And in our bound partition never part. | |
6375 | -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" | |
6376 | % | |
6377 | "I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob. | |
6378 | That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood." | |
6379 | -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones] | |
6380 | % | |
6381 | "I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from | |
6382 | man." | |
6383 | % | |
6384 | I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me! | |
6385 | % | |
6386 | "I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my | |
6387 | sister." | |
6388 | % | |
6389 | I'm changing my name to Chrysler | |
6390 | I'm going down to Washington, D.C. | |
6391 | I'll tell some power broker | |
6392 | What they did for Iacocca | |
6393 | Will be perfectly acceptable to me! | |
6394 | I'm changing my name to Chrysler, | |
6395 | I'm heading for that great receiving line. | |
6396 | When they hand a million grand out, | |
6397 | I'll be standing with my hand out, | |
6398 | Yessir, I'll get mine! | |
6399 | -- Tom Paxton | |
6400 | % | |
6401 | I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did. | |
6402 | % | |
6403 | "I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did." | |
6404 | % | |
6405 | "I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to | |
6406 | die in." | |
6407 | -- George McGovern | |
6408 | % | |
6409 | I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man. | |
6410 | -- Fred Allen | |
6411 | % | |
6412 | I'm going to live forever, or die trying! | |
6413 | -- Spider Robinson | |
6414 | % | |
6415 | ... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a | |
6416 | KOSHER DELI!! | |
6417 | % | |
6418 | "I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?" | |
6419 | -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate | |
6420 | % | |
6421 | i'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be | |
6422 | living apart. | |
6423 | -- e. e. cummings | |
6424 | % | |
6425 | I'm N-ary the tree, I am, | |
6426 | N-ary the tree, I am, I am. | |
6427 | I'm getting traversed by the parser next door, | |
6428 | She's traversed me seven times before. | |
6429 | And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!) | |
6430 | Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!) | |
6431 | I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary. | |
6432 | N-ary the tree I am, I am, | |
6433 | N-ary the tree I am. | |
6434 | % | |
6435 | "I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. | |
6436 | It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get." | |
6437 | % | |
6438 | "I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday | |
6439 | life." | |
6440 | % | |
6441 | I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is | |
6442 | -- I could be just as proud for half the money. | |
6443 | -- Arthur Godfrey | |
6444 | % | |
6445 | I'm rated PG-34!! | |
6446 | % | |
6447 | "I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____\b\b\b\bREAL | |
6448 | soon ..." | |
6449 | % | |
6450 | "I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it | |
6451 | (your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage." | |
6452 | -- English Professor, Providence College | |
6453 | % | |
6454 | I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, | |
6455 | I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; | |
6456 | In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, | |
6457 | I am the very model of a modern Major-General. | |
6458 | -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance" | |
6459 | % | |
6460 | "I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's | |
6461 | lives" | |
6462 | % | |
6463 | I've built a better model than the one at Data General | |
6464 | For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral | |
6465 | My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality; | |
6466 | My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality. | |
6467 | My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity, | |
6468 | You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity; | |
6469 | There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting; | |
6470 | My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting. | |
6471 | ||
6472 | I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point: | |
6473 | There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point, | |
6474 | Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral | |
6475 | I've built a better model than the one at Data General. | |
6476 | ||
6477 | -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of | |
6478 | "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance", | |
6479 | by Gilbert & Sullivan) | |
6480 | % | |
6481 | I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand. | |
6482 | % | |
6483 | I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was | |
6484 | this little hole in the bottom ... | |
6485 | -- John Croll | |
6486 | % | |
6487 | I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself. | |
6488 | % | |
6489 | I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. | |
6490 | -- Groucho Marx | |
6491 | % | |
6492 | I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes | |
6493 | on the same day. | |
6494 | % | |
6495 | "I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer." | |
6496 | % | |
6497 | "I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer" | |
6498 | -- Senator Claghorn | |
6499 | % | |
6500 | I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness; | |
6501 | And from that full meridian of my glory | |
6502 | I haste now to my setting. I shall fall, | |
6503 | Like a bright exhalation in the evening | |
6504 | And no man see me more. | |
6505 | -- Shakespeare | |
6506 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6507 | IBM had a PL/I, |
6508 | Its syntax worse than JOSS; | |
6509 | And everywhere this language went, | |
6510 | It was a total loss. | |
3dda02a9 | 6511 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6512 | Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box |
6513 | of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. | |
6514 | % | |
6515 | Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like | |
6516 | solitary confinement. | |
6517 | % | |
6518 | Idiot Box, n.: | |
6519 | The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the | |
6520 | stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. | |
6521 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" | |
6522 | % | |
6523 | Idiot, n.: | |
6524 | A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human | |
6525 | affairs has always been dominant and controlling. | |
6526 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
6527 | % | |
6528 | If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape | |
6529 | at about 30 miles/second. | |
6530 | -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming | |
6531 | % | |
6532 | If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. | |
6533 | -- Roy Santoro | |
6534 | % | |
6535 | "If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far." | |
6536 | -- Paul White | |
6537 | % | |
6538 | If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus | |
6539 | forecast is a camel's behind. | |
6540 | -- Edgar R. Fiedler | |
6541 | % | |
6542 | If A equals success, then the formula is _\bA = _\bX + _\bY + _\bZ. _\bX is work. _\bY | |
6543 | is play. _\bZ is keep your mouth shut. | |
6544 | -- Albert Einstein | |
6545 | % | |
6546 | If a group of _\bN persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _\bN-1 | |
6547 | passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager. | |
6548 | -- T. Cheatham | |
3dda02a9 | 6549 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6550 | If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four |
6551 | hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where | |
6552 | it votes guilty. | |
6553 | -- Joseph C. Goulden | |
3dda02a9 | 6554 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6555 | If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake |
6556 | him up. | |
3dda02a9 | 6557 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 6558 | If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country. |
3dda02a9 | 6559 | % |
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6560 | If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have |
6561 | dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to | |
6562 | maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it | |
6563 | must drop. The law of gravity supercedes the law of golf. | |
6564 | -- Donald A. Metz | |
3dda02a9 | 6565 | % |
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6566 | "If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good |
6567 | attitude. If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to | |
6568 | playing the game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- | |
6569 | unless, of course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager | |
6570 | can make goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?" | |
6571 | -- Sparky Anderson | |
3dda02a9 | 6572 | % |
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6573 | If all be true that I do think, |
6574 | There be Five Reasons why one should Drink; | |
6575 | Good friends, good wine, or being dry, | |
6576 | Or lest we should be by-and-by, | |
6577 | Or any other reason why. | |
3dda02a9 | 6578 | % |
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6579 | If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular |
6580 | error. | |
6581 | -- John Kenneth Galbraith | |
3dda02a9 | 6582 | % |
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6583 | If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot |
6584 | platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave | |
6585 | that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska. | |
3dda02a9 | 6586 | % |
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6587 | If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. |
6588 | -- Paul Beatty | |
3dda02a9 | 6589 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6590 | If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a |
6591 | conclusion. | |
6592 | -- William Baumol | |
3dda02a9 | 6593 | % |
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6594 | If an S and an I and an O and a U |
6595 | With an X at the end spell Su; | |
6596 | And an E and a Y and an E spell I, | |
6597 | Pray what is a speller to do? | |
6598 | Then, if also an S and an I and a G | |
6599 | And an HED spell side, | |
6600 | There's nothing much left for a speller to do | |
6601 | But to go commit siouxeyesighed. | |
6602 | -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament" | |
3dda02a9 | 6603 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 6604 | If anything can go wrong, it will. |
3dda02a9 | 6605 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 6606 | If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool. |
3dda02a9 | 6607 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 6608 | If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. |
3dda02a9 | 6609 | % |
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6610 | If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four |
6611 | tellers? | |
3dda02a9 | 6612 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 6613 | "If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?" |
3dda02a9 | 6614 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 6615 | If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from? |
3dda02a9 | 6616 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6617 | If everybody minded their own business, the world would go |
6618 | around a deal faster. | |
6619 | -- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass" | |
3dda02a9 | 6620 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 6621 | If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane. |
3dda02a9 | 6622 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6623 | ... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with |
6624 | the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls | |
6625 | asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ... | |
6626 | -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" | |
3dda02a9 | 6627 | % |
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6628 | If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three |
6629 | to a can. | |
3dda02a9 | 6630 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 6631 | If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire. |
3dda02a9 | 6632 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 6633 | If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet. |
3dda02a9 | 6634 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6635 | If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit |
6636 | Ears. | |
3dda02a9 | 6637 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6638 | If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their |
6639 | Heads. | |
3dda02a9 | 6640 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6641 | If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with |
6642 | green, baggy skin. | |
3dda02a9 | 6643 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 6644 | If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. |
3dda02a9 | 6645 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6646 | If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to |
6647 | invent it. | |
3dda02a9 | 6648 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6649 | If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger |
6650 | hands. | |
3dda02a9 | 6651 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6652 | If God is dead, who will save the Queen? |
6653 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 6654 | If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? |
3dda02a9 | 6655 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6656 | "If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows." |
6657 | -- Yiddish saying | |
3dda02a9 | 6658 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6659 | If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs? |
6660 | -- Marvin Kitman | |
6661 | % | |
6662 | "If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be | |
6663 | replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!" | |
6664 | % | |
6665 | If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive! | |
6666 | -- Samuel Goldwyn | |
6667 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6668 | If I don't drive around the park, |
6669 | I'm pretty sure to make my mark. | |
6670 | If I'm in bed each night by ten, | |
6671 | I may get back my looks again. | |
6672 | If I abstain from fun and such, | |
6673 | I'll probably amount to much; | |
6674 | But I shall stay the way I am, | |
6675 | Because I do not give a damn. | |
6676 | -- Dorothy Parker | |
3dda02a9 | 6677 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6678 | If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture. |
6679 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6680 | If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the |
6681 | plantation and go home. | |
6682 | -- Eugene P. Gallagher | |
3dda02a9 | 6683 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6684 | If I had any humility I would be perfect. |
6685 | -- Ted Turner | |
3dda02a9 | 6686 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6687 | "If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith." |
6688 | -- Albert Einstein | |
3dda02a9 | 6689 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6690 | If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the |
6691 | shoulders of giants. | |
6692 | -- Isaac Newton | |
6693 | ||
6694 | In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side | |
6695 | with the giants on whose shoulders we stand. | |
6696 | -- Gerald Holton | |
6697 | ||
6698 | If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing | |
6699 | on my shoulders. | |
6700 | -- Hal Abelson | |
6701 | ||
6702 | In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. | |
6703 | -- Brian K. Reid | |
6704 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6705 | If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction. |
6706 | ||
6707 | On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is | |
6708 | also a psychological interaction. | |
6709 | ||
6710 | The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so | |
6711 | friendly. | |
6712 | ||
6713 | The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. | |
6714 | -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" | |
3dda02a9 | 6715 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6716 | If I traveled to the end of the rainbow |
6717 | As Dame Fortune did intend, | |
6718 | Murphy would be there to tell me | |
6719 | The pot's at the other end. | |
6720 | -- Bert Whitney | |
3dda02a9 | 6721 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6722 | If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? |
6723 | % | |
6724 | If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune. | |
6725 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6726 | If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. |
6727 | They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun | |
6728 | of it. | |
6729 | -- Thomas Carlyle | |
3dda02a9 | 6730 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6731 | "If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they |
6732 | forgot to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll | |
6733 | just think the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. | |
6734 | And if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* | |
6735 | pieces of mail get lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken! | |
6736 | And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa is down and | |
6737 | think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to | |
6738 | receive Net Mail ..." | |
6739 | -- Leith (Casey) Leedom | |
3dda02a9 | 6740 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 6741 | If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. |
3dda02a9 | 6742 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6743 | If little else, the brain is an educational toy. |
6744 | -- Tom Robbins | |
6745 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6746 | If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women |
6747 | you've got in the house. | |
6748 | -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" | |
3dda02a9 | 6749 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6750 | If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by |
6751 | the page number. | |
3dda02a9 | 6752 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 6753 | If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it. |
3dda02a9 | 6754 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6755 | "If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think |
6756 | little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and | |
6757 | Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination." | |
6758 | -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859) | |
6759 | % | |
6760 | If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants. | |
6761 | -- A. Einstein. | |
6762 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6763 | If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit |
6764 | in my name at a Swiss bank. | |
6765 | -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" | |
3dda02a9 | 6766 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 6767 | If only I could be respected without having to be respectable. |
3dda02a9 | 6768 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6769 | If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without |
6770 | having to accomplish anything. | |
3dda02a9 | 6771 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6772 | If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, |
6773 | he should see how bad it is with representation. | |
6774 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6775 | If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of |
6776 | arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the | |
6777 | physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker | |
6778 | entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability. | |
6779 | -- Vannevar Bush | |
3dda02a9 | 6780 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6781 | If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied |
6782 | harder. | |
6783 | -- Pope John Paul I | |
3dda02a9 | 6784 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6785 | "If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem." |
6786 | -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234 | |
6787 | % | |
6788 | If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would | |
6789 | presumably flunk it. | |
6790 | -- Stanley Garn | |
3dda02a9 | 6791 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6792 | If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. |
6793 | -- Norm Schryer | |
3dda02a9 | 6794 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6795 | If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to |
6796 | get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. | |
6797 | See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving | |
6798 | the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting | |
6799 | that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The | |
6800 | college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious | |
6801 | and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to | |
6802 | rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective. | |
6803 | Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure | |
6804 | interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by | |
6805 | opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for | |
6806 | himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for | |
6807 | boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor. | |
6808 | -- Ralph Waldo Emerson | |
3dda02a9 | 6809 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6810 | "If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for |
6811 | me!" | |
6812 | -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920) | |
6813 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6814 | If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances |
6815 | are 50-50 it will. | |
3dda02a9 | 6816 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6817 | If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If |
6818 | the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the | |
6819 | bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will | |
6820 | exceed all expectations. | |
6821 | -- Reverend Chichester | |
3dda02a9 | 6822 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 6823 | If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams. |
3dda02a9 | 6824 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6825 | If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that |
6826 | will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. | |
3dda02a9 | 6827 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6828 | If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? |
6829 | -- Art Hoppe | |
3dda02a9 | 6830 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6831 | If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make |
6832 | something out of you. | |
6833 | -- Muhammad Ali | |
6834 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 6835 | If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it. |
3dda02a9 | 6836 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6837 | If this is timesharing, give me my share right now. |
6838 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 6839 | If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? |
3dda02a9 | 6840 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6841 | If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was |
6842 | yesterday? | |
6843 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6844 | If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is |
6845 | doing the thinking. | |
6846 | -- Lyndon Baines Johnson | |
3dda02a9 | 6847 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6848 | If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. |
6849 | -- Laurence J. Peter | |
6850 | % | |
6851 | "If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely" | |
6852 | % | |
6853 | "If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage." | |
3dda02a9 | 6854 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6855 | If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel |
6856 | in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary | |
6857 | qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted. | |
6858 | -- Marguerite Emmons | |
3dda02a9 | 6859 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6860 | If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it? |
6861 | -- Ann Edwards-Duff | |
6862 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6863 | "If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars." |
6864 | -- J. Paul Getty | |
3dda02a9 | 6865 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 6866 | If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. |
3dda02a9 | 6867 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 6868 | If you can read this, you're too close. |
3dda02a9 | 6869 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 6870 | If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything. |
3dda02a9 | 6871 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6872 | If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a |
6873 | call. | |
3dda02a9 | 6874 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 6875 | If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. |
3dda02a9 | 6876 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6877 | If you cannot convince them, confuse them. |
6878 | -- Harry S Truman | |
6879 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 6880 | If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? |
3dda02a9 | 6881 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 6882 | If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. |
3dda02a9 | 6883 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6884 | If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours. |
6885 | -- Clarence Day | |
6886 | % | |
6887 | If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter. | |
6888 | -- Freeman Dyson | |
6889 | % | |
6890 | "If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little | |
6891 | Lavoris in the toilet." | |
6892 | -- Jay Leno | |
6893 | % | |
6894 | If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to | |
6895 | either of you for the rest of the day. | |
6896 | % | |
6897 | "If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to | |
6898 | have to get a toehold in the public eye." | |
6899 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6900 | If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody |
6901 | will. | |
3dda02a9 | 6902 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6903 | If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it |
6904 | will always do it. | |
6905 | -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin | |
3dda02a9 | 6906 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6907 | "If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is |
6908 | make the rubble bounce" | |
6909 | -- Winston Churchill | |
3dda02a9 | 6910 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 6911 | If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous. |
3dda02a9 | 6912 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 6913 | If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. |
3dda02a9 | 6914 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 6915 | "If you have to hate, hate gently" |
3dda02a9 | 6916 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6917 | If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to |
6918 | boot yourself in the posterior. | |
6919 | -- A. J. Liebling | |
6920 | % | |
6921 | If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away. | |
6922 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6923 | If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. |
6924 | -- Graham Summer | |
3dda02a9 | 6925 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6926 | If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few |
6927 | people die past the age of a hundred. | |
6928 | -- George Burns | |
6929 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6930 | If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you |
6931 | really make them think they'll hate you. | |
3dda02a9 | 6932 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6933 | If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. |
6934 | -- Maslow | |
3dda02a9 | 6935 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6936 | If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure |
6937 | can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly | |
6938 | develop. | |
3dda02a9 | 6939 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6940 | If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite |
6941 | you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. | |
6942 | -- Mark Twain | |
3dda02a9 | 6943 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6944 | If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, |
6945 | you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get | |
6946 | ice, but no cup. | |
3dda02a9 | 6947 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6948 | If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But |
6949 | this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is | |
6950 | somehow enobled and none dare criticize it. | |
3dda02a9 | 6951 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6952 | If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're |
6953 | the sucker. | |
6954 | % | |
6955 | If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair. | |
6956 | % | |
6957 | If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker, | |
6958 | It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. | |
6959 | Or some joker who is slicker, | |
6960 | Will trick you of your liquor, | |
6961 | If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock. | |
6962 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6963 | If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. |
6964 | -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard | |
3dda02a9 | 6965 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6966 | If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens |
6967 | tomorrow! | |
3dda02a9 | 6968 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6969 | If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car |
6970 | payments. | |
6971 | -- Earl Wilson | |
3dda02a9 | 6972 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
6973 | If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. |
6974 | -- Arthur Kasspe | |
6975 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6976 | If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest |
6977 | shopping center in the world? | |
6978 | -- Richard M. Nixon | |
3dda02a9 | 6979 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6980 | If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest |
6981 | shopping center in the world? | |
6982 | -- Richard Nixon | |
3dda02a9 | 6983 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
6984 | If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would |
6985 | be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call | |
6986 | you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw | |
6987 | another party next year. | |
6988 | ||
6989 | What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up | |
6990 | several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've | |
6991 | been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to | |
6992 | avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning | |
6993 | parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from | |
6994 | having another one ... | |
6995 | ||
6996 | If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless | |
6997 | your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas | |
6998 | through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure | |
6999 | that they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting | |
7000 | someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ... | |
3dda02a9 | 7001 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7002 | If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them |
7003 | end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable. | |
7004 | -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten" | |
7005 | % | |
7006 | "If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything." | |
7007 | -- A. L. | |
7008 | % | |
7009 | If you want divine justice, die. | |
7010 | -- Nick Seldon | |
7011 | % | |
7012 | If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people | |
7013 | he gave it to. | |
7014 | -- Dorthy Parker | |
7015 | % | |
7016 | If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the | |
7017 | Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's | |
7018 | statecraft. Instead, read selected portions of the Washington | |
7019 | telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with | |
7020 | titles beginning with the word "National". | |
7021 | -- George Will | |
7022 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7023 | If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every |
7024 | word you say, talk in your sleep. | |
3dda02a9 | 7025 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 7026 | "If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7027 | memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it, |
7028 | even if they don't know what it means." | |
58fe6ef4 | 7029 | -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party" |
3dda02a9 | 7030 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7031 | If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one. |
7032 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7033 | If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for |
7034 | tomorrow morning, sleep late. | |
7035 | -- Henny Youngman | |
3dda02a9 | 7036 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 7037 | If you're happy, you're successful. |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7038 | % |
7039 | If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs | |
7040 | around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace | |
7041 | explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The | |
7042 | "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and | |
7043 | deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the | |
7044 | better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random | |
7045 | with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives | |
7046 | you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a | |
7047 | successful campaign for the U.S. Senate. | |
7048 | And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself. | |
7049 | You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How | |
7050 | difficult can it be?" | |
7051 | Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible, | |
7052 | which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying | |
7053 | other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up | |
7054 | yourself for far less money. This article can help you. | |
7055 | -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" | |
3dda02a9 | 7056 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 7057 | If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. |
3dda02a9 | 7058 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7059 | If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. |
7060 | -- Benjamin Disraeli | |
3dda02a9 | 7061 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7062 | If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%? |
7063 | % | |
7064 | "If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round | |
7065 | it off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the | |
7066 | universe?" | |
3dda02a9 | 7067 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7068 | If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. |
7069 | -- Ronald Reagan | |
3dda02a9 | 7070 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7071 | Ignisecond, n.: |
7072 | The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car | |
7073 | door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!" | |
7074 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" | |
7075 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7076 | Il brilgue: les t^\boves libricilleux |
7077 | Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave, | |
7078 | Enm^\bim'\bes sont les gougebosquex, | |
7079 | Et le m^\bomerade horgrave. | |
7080 | -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" | |
3dda02a9 | 7081 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7082 | Iles's Law: |
7083 | There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly | |
7084 | at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it. | |
7085 | Neither will Iles. | |
3dda02a9 | 7086 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7087 | Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the |
7088 | land He's trying to ignore. | |
3dda02a9 | 7089 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7090 | Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. |
7091 | -- Jules de Gaultier | |
7092 | % | |
7093 | "Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the | |
7094 | usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody | |
7095 | thinks of complaining." | |
7096 | -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal | |
7097 | % | |
7098 | Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has | |
7099 | a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk | |
7100 | storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on | |
7101 | voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. | |
7102 | What's the first question that the computer community asks? | |
7103 | ||
7104 | "Is it PC compatible?" | |
7105 | % | |
7106 | Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. | |
7107 | -- Jack Paar | |
7108 | % | |
7109 | Immortality -- a fate worse than death. | |
7110 | -- Edgar A. Shoaff | |
7111 | % | |
7112 | Impartial, adj.: | |
7113 | Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from | |
7114 | espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two | |
7115 | conflicting opinions. | |
7116 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
7117 | % | |
7118 | Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the | |
7119 | mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the | |
7120 | Boss is reading it. | |
7121 | % | |
7122 | Impossible, adj.: | |
7123 | (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve; | |
7124 | (2) I can't be bothered; (3) God can't be bothered. Meaning (3) may | |
7125 | perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck. | |
7126 | -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" | |
7127 | % | |
7128 | In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of | |
7129 | stairs. | |
7130 | % | |
7131 | In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled | |
7132 | waffles. | |
7133 | % | |
7134 | In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't | |
7135 | get parts. | |
7136 | % | |
7137 | In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The | |
7138 | creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across. | |
7139 | % | |
7140 | In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred | |
7141 | syrup. | |
7142 | % | |
7143 | In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only | |
7144 | we can't control when the five year period will begin. | |
7145 | % | |
7146 | In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, | |
7147 | junior, what are you up to?" | |
7148 | "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the | |
7149 | rabbit. | |
7150 | "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!" | |
7151 | "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the | |
7152 | rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied | |
7153 | expression on his face. | |
7154 | Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?" | |
7155 | "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits | |
7156 | devour wolves." | |
7157 | "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?" | |
7158 | "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes | |
7159 | out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw. | |
7160 | Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody | |
7161 | should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting | |
7162 | next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox. | |
7163 | ||
7164 | The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important -- | |
7165 | it's your PhD advisor that really counts. | |
3dda02a9 | 7166 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7167 | In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth" |
7168 | Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex. | |
7169 | -- Frank Mankiewicz | |
3dda02a9 | 7170 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7171 | In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, |
7172 | "one when he was a boy and one when he was a man." | |
7173 | -- Mark Twain | |
3dda02a9 | 7174 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7175 | In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground |
7176 | with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call | |
7177 | this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf. | |
3dda02a9 | 7178 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7179 | In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so |
7180 | sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All | |
7181 | those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the | |
7182 | devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up | |
7183 | as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you. | |
7184 | -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" | |
3dda02a9 | 7185 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7186 | In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one |
7187 | of the risks he takes. | |
7188 | -- Adlai Stevenson | |
3dda02a9 | 7189 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7190 | In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own |
7191 | incompetency | |
7192 | -- The Peter Principle | |
3dda02a9 | 7193 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7194 | In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) |
7195 | are to be treated as variables. | |
3dda02a9 | 7196 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7197 | "In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of |
7198 | nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir." | |
7199 | -- Stuart Keate | |
3dda02a9 | 7200 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7201 | In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own |
7202 | at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public. | |
3dda02a9 | 7203 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 7204 | In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs. |
3dda02a9 | 7205 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7206 | In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools |
7207 | will be temporarily canceled. | |
3dda02a9 | 7208 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7209 | In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and |
7210 | make it better. | |
3dda02a9 | 7211 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7212 | In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle |
7213 | a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order | |
7214 | to get her attention. | |
3dda02a9 | 7215 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7216 | In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride |
7217 | in any motor vehicle. | |
7218 | % | |
7219 | "In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable." | |
7220 | -- Winston Curchill, of Montgomery | |
7221 | % | |
7222 | In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door | |
7223 | neighbor. | |
7224 | % | |
7225 | In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset. | |
3dda02a9 | 7226 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7227 | In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last |
7228 | resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but | |
7229 | inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. | |
7230 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 7231 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7232 | In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our |
7233 | programming languages. | |
3dda02a9 | 7234 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7235 | In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on |
7236 | the sidewalks when a concert is on. | |
7237 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7238 | In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come |
7239 | into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish | |
7240 | between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which | |
7241 | will only make it mushy. | |
7242 | -- Mark Twain | |
3dda02a9 | 7243 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7244 | In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your |
7245 | pocket. | |
3dda02a9 | 7246 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7247 | In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any |
7248 | pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while | |
7249 | either flying or waiting to board a plane. | |
3dda02a9 | 7250 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7251 | In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless |
7252 | there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red | |
7253 | flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. | |
3dda02a9 | 7254 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7255 | In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as |
7256 | to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the | |
7257 | speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00. | |
3dda02a9 | 7258 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7259 | "In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the |
7260 | universe." | |
7261 | -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos | |
3dda02a9 | 7262 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 7263 | In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7264 | intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from |
7265 | the cares of office. | |
58fe6ef4 | 7266 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
3dda02a9 | 7267 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7268 | In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds |
7269 | and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane. | |
7270 | % | |
7271 | In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying | |
7272 | of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public | |
7273 | view." | |
7274 | % | |
7275 | In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space | |
7276 | Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. | |
7277 | Our asymptotes no longer out of phase, | |
7278 | We shall encounter, counting, face to face. | |
7279 | -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" | |
7280 | % | |
7281 | In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that | |
7282 | is over six feet in length. | |
7283 | % | |
7284 | In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way. | |
7285 | -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 | |
7286 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 7287 | "In short, _\bN is Richardian if, and only if, _\bN is not Richardian." |
3dda02a9 | 7288 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7289 | In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's. |
7290 | % | |
7291 | In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a | |
7292 | moving automobile. | |
7293 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7294 | [In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You |
7295 | could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense | |
7296 | that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ... | |
7297 | ||
7298 | And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory | |
7299 | over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we | |
7300 | didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no | |
7301 | point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; | |
7302 | we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave .... | |
7303 | ||
7304 | So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in | |
7305 | Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost | |
7306 | ___\b\b\bsee the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and | |
7307 | rolled back. | |
7308 | -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" | |
3dda02a9 | 7309 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7310 | In the beginning was the word. |
7311 | But by the time the second word was added to it, | |
7312 | there was trouble. | |
7313 | For with it came syntax ... | |
7314 | -- John Simon | |
7315 | % | |
7316 | In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he sat | |
7317 | hacking at the PDP-6. "What are you doing?", asked Minsky. "I am | |
7318 | training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." "Why is the | |
7319 | net wired randomly?", asked Minsky. "I do not want it to have any | |
7320 | preconceptions of how to play." Minsky shut his eyes. "Why do you | |
7321 | close your eyes?", Sussman asked his teacher. "So the room will be | |
7322 | empty." At that moment, Sussman was enlightened. | |
3dda02a9 | 7323 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7324 | In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in |
7325 | the proper order then why can't he? | |
3dda02a9 | 7326 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7327 | In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful |
7328 | Dead. | |
7329 | -- Egyptian Book of the Dead | |
3dda02a9 | 7330 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7331 | In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble. |
7332 | -- Alan Perlis | |
3dda02a9 | 7333 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7334 | In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or |
7335 | a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it | |
7336 | to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by | |
7337 | forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you | |
7338 | stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit | |
7339 | punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong | |
7340 | enough to punch you. | |
7341 | -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" | |
3dda02a9 | 7342 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7343 | In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has |
7344 | shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the | |
7345 | Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million | |
7346 | three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years | |
7347 | from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. | |
7348 | ... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such | |
7349 | wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of | |
7350 | fact. | |
7351 | -- Mark Twain | |
7352 | % | |
7353 | In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to | |
7354 | drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at | |
7355 | discotheques. | |
7356 | -- Art Linkletter | |
7357 | % | |
7358 | In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take | |
7359 | my advice. | |
7360 | -- Winston Churchill | |
7361 | % | |
7362 | In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without | |
7363 | the supervision of a licensed engineer. | |
7364 | % | |
7365 | In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse | |
7366 | along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months. | |
7367 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7368 | Incumbent, n.: |
7369 | Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents. | |
7370 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 7371 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7372 | ... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves |
7373 | smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is | |
7374 | not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery. | |
7375 | -- Stephen Crane | |
7376 | % | |
7377 | Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? | |
7378 | % | |
7379 | Individualists unite! | |
7380 | % | |
7381 | Infancy, n.: | |
7382 | The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven | |
7383 | lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon | |
7384 | afterward. | |
7385 | -- Ambrose Bierce | |
7386 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7387 | Information Center, n.: |
7388 | A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is | |
7389 | to tell you why you cannot have the information you require. | |
3dda02a9 | 7390 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7391 | Ingrate, n.: |
7392 | A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of | |
7393 | indigestion. | |
3dda02a9 | 7394 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7395 | Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. |
7396 | -- Martin Luther King, Jr. | |
3dda02a9 | 7397 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7398 | Ink, n.: |
7399 | A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and | |
7400 | water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote | |
7401 | intellectual crime. | |
7402 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 7403 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7404 | Innovation is hard to schedule. |
7405 | -- Dan Fylstra | |
3dda02a9 | 7406 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 7407 | Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. |
3dda02a9 | 7408 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7409 | Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the |
7410 | salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon. | |
3dda02a9 | 7411 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7412 | Interpreter, n.: |
7413 | One who enables two persons of different languages to | |
7414 | understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to | |
7415 | the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. | |
7416 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 7417 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7418 | Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure. |
7419 | % | |
7420 | INVENTORY | |
7421 | Four be the things I am wiser to know: | |
7422 | Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. | |
7423 | ||
7424 | Four be the things I'd been better without: | |
7425 | Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. | |
7426 | ||
7427 | Three be the things I shall never attain: | |
7428 | Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. | |
7429 | ||
7430 | Three be the things I shall have till I die: | |
7431 | Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. | |
7432 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7433 | Iron Law of Distribution: |
7434 | Them that has, gets. | |
3dda02a9 | 7435 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7436 | "Irrationality is the square root of all evil" |
7437 | -- Douglas Hofstadter | |
7438 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7439 | Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is |
7440 | meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a | |
7441 | soap bubble? | |
3dda02a9 | 7442 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7443 | Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the |
7444 | beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get | |
7445 | out, and such as are out wish to get in? | |
7446 | -- Ralph Emerson | |
3dda02a9 | 7447 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 7448 | Is your job running? You'd better go catch it! |
3dda02a9 | 7449 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7450 | Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction |
7451 | listen to weather forecasts and economists? | |
7452 | -- Kelvin Throop III | |
7453 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7454 | Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune |
7455 | tellers take economists seriously? | |
3dda02a9 | 7456 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7457 | Issawi's Laws of Progress: |
7458 | ||
7459 | The Course of Progress: | |
7460 | Most things get steadily worse. | |
7461 | ||
7462 | The Path of Progress: | |
7463 | A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. | |
3dda02a9 | 7464 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7465 | It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working |
7466 | as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he | |
7467 | had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked, | |
7468 | "What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed | |
7469 | Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival | |
7470 | came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer | |
7471 | this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the | |
7472 | Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so. | |
7473 | To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's | |
7474 | your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked, | |
7475 | "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?" | |
7476 | % | |
7477 | It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown | |
7478 | came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and | |
7479 | applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I | |
7480 | think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the | |
7481 | wits, who believe that it is a joke. | |
7482 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7483 | It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is |
7484 | thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have | |
7485 | drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. | |
7486 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 7487 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7488 | It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself |
7489 | that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____\b\b\b\bonly* by amusing oneself that | |
7490 | one can learn." | |
7491 | -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman | |
7492 | % | |
7493 | It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have | |
7494 | been searching for evidence which could support this. | |
7495 | -- Bertrand Russell | |
7496 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 7497 | It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. |
3dda02a9 | 7498 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7499 | It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to |
7500 | program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in | |
7501 | organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be | |
7502 | self-critical? | |
7503 | -- Alan Perlis | |
3dda02a9 | 7504 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7505 | It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of |
7506 | Urbana, Illinois. | |
7507 | % | |
7508 | It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will | |
7509 | not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves | |
7510 | and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like | |
7511 | mature human beings ... | |
7512 | -- Playboy, January 1983 | |
7513 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7514 | It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a |
7515 | pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the | |
7516 | sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color. | |
7517 | -- Voltaire | |
3dda02a9 | 7518 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7519 | It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what |
7520 | they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed | |
7521 | that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so | |
7522 | much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins | |
7523 | had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But | |
7524 | conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more | |
7525 | intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. | |
7526 | ||
7527 | Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending | |
7528 | destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to | |
7529 | alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were | |
7530 | misinterpreted ... | |
7531 | -- Douglas Admas "The Hitch-Hikers' Guide To The | |
7532 | Galaxy" | |
7533 | % | |
7534 | It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be | |
7535 | coming up it. | |
7536 | -- Henry Allen | |
7537 | % | |
7538 | It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck? | |
7539 | One in a million, perhaps. | |
7540 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 7541 | It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark |
3dda02a9 | 7542 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7543 | It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three |
7544 | benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never | |
7545 | to use either. | |
7546 | -- Mark Twain | |
3dda02a9 | 7547 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7548 | It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both |
7549 | incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by | |
7550 | twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. | |
fcf2a2a2 | 7551 | -- Rod Serling |
3dda02a9 | 7552 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7553 | "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is |
7554 | lightly greased." | |
7555 | -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" | |
3dda02a9 | 7556 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7557 | It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its |
7558 | proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community | |
7559 | a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to | |
7560 | treat your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the | |
7561 | focus of attention, the harder the task. | |
7562 | -- Sydney J. Harris | |
7563 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7564 | It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice |
7565 | versa. | |
3dda02a9 | 7566 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 7567 | It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. |
3dda02a9 | 7568 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7569 | It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct |
7570 | one. | |
3dda02a9 | 7571 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7572 | It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because |
7573 | if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of | |
7574 | people. | |
7575 | -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" | |
3dda02a9 | 7576 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7577 | It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood |
7578 | Boulevard at one time. | |
7579 | % | |
7580 | It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia. | |
7581 | % | |
7582 | It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry | |
7583 | a tune. | |
7584 | -- Woody Allen | |
7585 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7586 | It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so |
7587 | ingenious. | |
3dda02a9 | 7588 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7589 | It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not |
7590 | desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. | |
7591 | -- Woody Allen | |
3dda02a9 | 7592 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7593 | It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our |
7594 | offense consists in doubting it. | |
7595 | -- Justice Robert H. Jackson | |
7596 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7597 | It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the |
7598 | problem. | |
3dda02a9 | 7599 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7600 | It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be |
7601 | privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to | |
7602 | corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles. | |
7603 | -- George Bernard Shaw | |
7604 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7605 | It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. |
7606 | -- Gore Vidal | |
3dda02a9 | 7607 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7608 | It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one |
7609 | damn thing over and over. | |
7610 | -- Edna St. Vincent Millay | |
3dda02a9 | 7611 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7612 | It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? |
7613 | -- Elizabeth Carpenter | |
3dda02a9 | 7614 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7615 | It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a |
7616 | pit. | |
3dda02a9 | 7617 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7618 | It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that |
7619 | virginity could be a virtue. | |
7620 | -- Voltaire | |
3dda02a9 | 7621 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7622 | It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their |
7623 | dignity. | |
7624 | % | |
7625 | It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared | |
7626 | to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great. | |
7627 | -- Havelock Ellis | |
7628 | % | |
7629 | It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to | |
7630 | students that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential | |
7631 | programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of | |
7632 | regeneration. | |
7633 | -- Dijkstra | |
7634 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7635 | It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the |
7636 | lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as | |
7637 | high as the eagle? | |
3dda02a9 | 7638 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7639 | It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a |
7640 | statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more | |
7641 | glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through | |
7642 | which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the | |
7643 | day, that is the highest of arts. | |
7644 | -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live" | |
3dda02a9 | 7645 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7646 | It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad |
7647 | crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed | |
7648 | until the other has gone. | |
7649 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7650 | It is the business of little minds to shrink. |
7651 | -- Carl Sandburg | |
3dda02a9 | 7652 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7653 | It is the business of the future to be dangerous. |
7654 | -- Hawkwind | |
3dda02a9 | 7655 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7656 | It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for |
7657 | five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But | |
7658 | it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you. | |
7659 | % | |
7660 | It is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the | |
7661 | future. | |
7662 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 7663 | It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. |
3dda02a9 | 7664 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7665 | It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too |
7666 | good either if you speak when your head is empty. | |
7667 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7668 | It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a |
7669 | warning to others. | |
3dda02a9 | 7670 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7671 | "It runs like _\bx, where _\bx is something unsavory" |
7672 | -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 | |
7673 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7674 | It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the |
7675 | flag. | |
3dda02a9 | 7676 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7677 | It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the |
7678 | municipality. | |
7679 | -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio | |
7680 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7681 | "It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, |
7682 | but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous." | |
fcf2a2a2 | 7683 | -- Robert Benchly |
3dda02a9 | 7684 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 7685 | It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. |
3dda02a9 | 7686 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7687 | "It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set |
7688 | foot." | |
7689 | % | |
7690 | It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a | |
7691 | breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was | |
7692 | broken ... | |
7693 | -- James Dent | |
7694 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7695 | "It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps |
7696 | I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I | |
7697 | don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and | |
7698 | the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual | |
7699 | charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its | |
7700 | novelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but | |
7701 | yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable | |
7702 | man a lifetime." | |
7703 | -- Thomas Aldrich | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7704 | % |
7705 | It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east | |
7706 | laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The | |
7707 | thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, | |
7708 | nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying | |
7709 | for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. | |
7710 | Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating | |
7711 | under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting | |
7712 | icepacks. | |
7713 | -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" | |
7714 | % | |
7715 | It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. It was more like | |
7716 | the rose and the teeth were in the same glass. | |
3dda02a9 | 7717 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7718 | It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on |
7719 | the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work. | |
3dda02a9 | 7720 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7721 | It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human |
7722 | nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant | |
7723 | examples. | |
7724 | -- Charles Dickens | |
7725 | % | |
7726 | It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing | |
7727 | warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or | |
7728 | two things still safe to eat. | |
7729 | -- Robert Fuoss | |
3dda02a9 | 7730 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7731 | It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. |
7732 | -- Andrew Jackson | |
3dda02a9 | 7733 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7734 | "It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone |
7735 | underwear." | |
7736 | % | |
7737 | It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for. | |
7738 | % | |
7739 | "It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it." | |
7740 | -- Steven Wright | |
7741 | % | |
7742 | "It's a summons." | |
7743 | "What's a summons?" | |
7744 | "It means summon's in trouble." | |
7745 | -- Rocky and Bullwinkle | |
7746 | % | |
7747 | It's a very *__\b\bUN*lucky week in which to be took dead. | |
7748 | -- Churchy La Femme | |
7749 | % | |
7750 | It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black. | |
7751 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7752 | "It's bad luck to be superstitious." |
7753 | -- Andrew W. Mathis | |
3dda02a9 | 7754 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7755 | It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all. |
7756 | -- Marty Winch | |
7757 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7758 | "It's easier said than done." |
7759 | ||
7760 | ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than | |
7761 | said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than | |
7762 | said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than | |
7763 | done". | |
3dda02a9 | 7764 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 7765 | It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. |
3dda02a9 | 7766 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7767 | It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for |
7768 | being right. | |
3dda02a9 | 7769 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7770 | "It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an |
7771 | hour!" | |
7772 | -- Macy's | |
7773 | % | |
7774 | It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse. | |
7775 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7776 | It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it |
7777 | is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It | |
7778 | isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. | |
7779 | -- Oxford University Press, Edpress News | |
3dda02a9 | 7780 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7781 | It's just a jump to the left |
7782 | And then a step to the right. | |
7783 | Put your hands on your hips | |
7784 | And pull your knees in tight. | |
7785 | It's the pelvic thrust | |
7786 | That really gets you insa-a-a-a-ane | |
7787 | ||
7788 | LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! | |
7789 | ||
7790 | -- Rocky Horror Picture Show | |
7791 | % | |
7792 | "It's kind of fun to do the impossible." | |
7793 | -- Walt Disney | |
7794 | % | |
7795 | "It's Like This" | |
7796 | ||
7797 | Even the samurai | |
7798 | have teddy bears, | |
7799 | and even the teddy bears | |
7800 | get drunk. | |
7801 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7802 | It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong |
7803 | direction. | |
3dda02a9 | 7804 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7805 | "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name." |
7806 | % | |
7807 | It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre. | |
7808 | -- Sam Goldwyn | |
7809 | % | |
7810 | It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how | |
7811 | to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair. | |
7812 | -- George Burns | |
3dda02a9 | 7813 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7814 | It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. |
7815 | -- Phil White | |
3dda02a9 | 7816 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7817 | "It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either." |
7818 | -- Kevin White, mayor of Boston | |
7819 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7820 | It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too. |
7821 | -- Alexander Korda | |
3dda02a9 | 7822 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7823 | "It's not just a computer -- it's your ass." |
7824 | -- Cal Keegan | |
7825 | % | |
7826 | It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's | |
7827 | what you're taking for it... | |
7828 | % | |
7829 | It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off | |
7830 | the ground. | |
7831 | -- Daniel B. Luten | |
7832 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7833 | It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it |
7834 | happens. | |
7835 | -- Woody Allen | |
3dda02a9 | 7836 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7837 | It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips. |
7838 | -- Garfield | |
7839 | % | |
7840 | It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that | |
7841 | English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many | |
7842 | other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case. | |
7843 | -- Sydney J. Harris | |
7844 | % | |
7845 | It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ... | |
7846 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 7847 | It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles. |
3dda02a9 | 7848 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7849 | It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the |
7850 | Devil when he is the only explanation of it. | |
7851 | % | |
7852 | It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which | |
7853 | raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody | |
7854 | not to. | |
7855 | -- Franklin P. Jones | |
7856 | % | |
7857 | It's the thought, if any, that counts! | |
7858 | % | |
7859 | JACK AND THE BEANSTACK | |
7860 | by Mark Isaak | |
7861 | ||
7862 | Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL | |
7863 | character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their | |
7864 | hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices | |
7865 | are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some | |
7866 | BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it | |
7867 | to him. | |
7868 | So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, | |
7869 | he met the traveling salesman. | |
7870 | "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman | |
7871 | in high-level language. | |
7872 | "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips | |
7873 | and Apples," commented Jack. | |
7874 | "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue | |
7875 | there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." | |
7876 | Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when | |
7877 | he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she | |
7878 | started thrashing. | |
7879 | "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these | |
7880 | kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the | |
7881 | window ... | |
7882 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7883 | Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: |
7884 | No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7885 | legislature is in session. |
7886 | % | |
7887 | James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total | |
7888 | indifference to public notice to be universally recognized. | |
7889 | -- Tom Stoppard | |
3dda02a9 | 7890 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7891 | Jenkinson's Law: |
7892 | It won't work. | |
3dda02a9 | 7893 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7894 | Jesus Saves, |
7895 | Moses Invests, | |
7896 | But only Buddha pays Dividends. | |
3dda02a9 | 7897 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7898 | Job Placement, n.: |
7899 | Telling your boss what he can do with your job. | |
7900 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 7901 | Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes! |
3dda02a9 | 7902 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7903 | Johnson's First Law: |
7904 | When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7905 | most inconvenient possible time. |
7906 | % | |
7907 | Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called | |
7908 | "Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do | |
7909 | anything loses. | |
7910 | % | |
7911 | Join the march to save individuality! | |
3dda02a9 | 7912 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7913 | Jone's Law: |
7914 | The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone | |
fcf2a2a2 | 7915 | to blame it on. |
3dda02a9 | 7916 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7917 | Jone's Motto: |
7918 | Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. | |
3dda02a9 | 7919 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7920 | Jones's First Law: |
7921 | Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7922 | endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction |
7923 | to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their | |
7924 | original contribution. | |
7925 | % | |
7926 | Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac | |
7927 | (and nobody cares about it). | |
7928 | -- Bill Joy 6/21/85 | |
7929 | % | |
7930 | Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good | |
7931 | solutions seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires | |
7932 | one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the | |
7933 | winner. The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is | |
7934 | because neither side has all the facts. Therefore, when the wise | |
7935 | mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political | |
7936 | motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the | |
7937 | whole truth. | |
7938 | -- Stephen R. Schwambach | |
7939 | % | |
7940 | Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has | |
7941 | changed. | |
7942 | -- Irene Peter | |
7943 | % | |
7944 | Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you. | |
3dda02a9 | 7945 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7946 | Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he |
7947 | knows what it is. | |
3dda02a9 | 7948 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7949 | Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you |
7950 | get a prompt, type like hell. | |
3dda02a9 | 7951 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7952 | "Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't |
7953 | immune to bullets" | |
7954 | -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who" | |
3dda02a9 | 7955 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7956 | "Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some |
7957 | of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?" | |
7958 | -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US | |
7959 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7960 | Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to |
7961 | twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty! | |
3dda02a9 | 7962 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7963 | `Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried, |
7964 | As he landed his crew with care; | |
7965 | Supporting each man on the top of the tide | |
7966 | By a finger entwined in his hair. | |
7967 | ||
7968 | 'Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice: | |
7969 | That alone should encourage the crew. | |
7970 | Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice: | |
7971 | What I tell you three times is true.' | |
7972 | % | |
7973 | Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a | |
7974 | faster rat!!! | |
7975 | % | |
7976 | Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven! | |
7977 | -- Michael J. Wagner | |
7978 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7979 | Justice is incidental to law and order. |
7980 | -- J. Edgar Hoover | |
3dda02a9 | 7981 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7982 | Justice, n.: |
7983 | A decision in your favor. | |
3dda02a9 | 7984 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
7985 | K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining; |
7986 | Cobol's wordy and confining; | |
7987 | KOBOLDS topple when you strike them; | |
7988 | Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them. | |
7989 | -- The Roguelet's ABC | |
7990 | % | |
7991 | Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to | |
7992 | wear tail lights. | |
7993 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
7994 | Katz' Law: |
7995 | Man and nations will act rationally when all other | |
fcf2a2a2 | 7996 | possibilities have been exhausted. |
3dda02a9 | 7997 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 7998 | Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans. |
3dda02a9 | 7999 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8000 | Keep Cool, but Don't Freeze |
8001 | - Hellman's Mayonnaise | |
8002 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 8003 | Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis. |
3dda02a9 | 8004 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 8005 | Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo. |
3dda02a9 | 8006 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 8007 | Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee: |
fcf2a2a2 | 8008 | (1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8009 | straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this |
8010 | force is technically termed "car suck"). | |
fcf2a2a2 | 8011 | (2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive |
58fe6ef4 | 8012 | than "Watch this!" |
3dda02a9 | 8013 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8014 | Keep you Eye on the Ball, |
8015 | Your Shoulder to the Wheel, | |
8016 | Your Nose to the Grindstone, | |
8017 | Your Feet on the Ground, | |
8018 | Your Head on your Shoulders. | |
8019 | Now ... try to get something DONE! | |
3dda02a9 | 8020 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8021 | Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most |
8022 | automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the | |
8023 | numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the | |
8024 | driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the | |
8025 | dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know | |
8026 | what's wrong." | |
3dda02a9 | 8027 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8028 | Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: |
8029 | Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students, | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8030 | and parking for the faculty. |
8031 | % | |
8032 | Kids have *_____\b\b\b\b\bnever* taken guidance from their parents. If you could | |
8033 | travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the | |
8034 | original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate | |
8035 | teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for | |
8036 | grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate | |
8037 | teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves. | |
8038 | -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly | |
8039 | Do" | |
3dda02a9 | 8040 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8041 | Kin, n.: |
8042 | An affliction of the blood | |
3dda02a9 | 8043 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8044 | Kinkler's First Law: |
8045 | Responsibility always exceeds authority. | |
8046 | ||
8047 | Kinkler's Second Law: | |
8048 | All the easy problems have been solved. | |
3dda02a9 | 8049 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 8050 | "Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack." |
3dda02a9 | 8051 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8052 | Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through |
8053 | any of its streets. | |
8054 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 8055 | Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. |
3dda02a9 | 8056 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 8057 | Kiss your keyboard goodbye! |
3dda02a9 | 8058 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 8059 | Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within. |
3dda02a9 | 8060 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 8061 | Klein bottle for sale ... inquire within. |
3dda02a9 | 8062 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8063 | Kleptomaniac, n.: |
8064 | A rich thief. | |
8065 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 8066 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 8067 | Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A. |
3dda02a9 | 8068 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8069 | Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. |
8070 | -- Henry N. Camp | |
3dda02a9 | 8071 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8072 | Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr): |
8073 | The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. | |
8074 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" | |
3dda02a9 | 8075 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8076 | Labor, n.: |
8077 | One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. | |
8078 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 8079 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 8080 | Lackland's Laws: |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8081 | (1) Never be first. |
8082 | (2) Never be last. | |
8083 | (3) Never volunteer for anything | |
3dda02a9 | 8084 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8085 | Lactomangulation, n.: |
8086 | Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly | |
8087 | that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. | |
8088 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" | |
3dda02a9 | 8089 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8090 | Ladybug, ladybug, |
8091 | Look to your stern! | |
8092 | Your house is on fire, | |
8093 | Your children will burn! | |
8094 | So jump ye and sing, for | |
8095 | The very first time | |
8096 | The four lines above | |
8097 | Have been put into rhyme. | |
8098 | -- Walt Kelly | |
8099 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 8100 | Laetrile is the pits |
3dda02a9 | 8101 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 8102 | Langsam's Laws: |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8103 | (1) Everything depends. |
8104 | (2) Nothing is always. | |
8105 | (3) Everything is sometimes. | |
3dda02a9 | 8106 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8107 | Larkinson's Law: |
8108 | All laws are basically false. | |
3dda02a9 | 8109 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8110 | Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with |
8111 | was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting | |
8112 | pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the | |
8113 | farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their | |
8114 | sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do | |
8115 | you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her? | |
8116 | What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead | |
8117 | of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under | |
8118 | the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops | |
8119 | whatsoever. They probably got by on federal crop supports, which | |
8120 | Lassie filed the applications for. | |
8121 | -- Dave Barry | |
8122 | % | |
8123 | "Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment | |
8124 | had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate. I told this to | |
8125 | my friend -- he said, `Do I know you?'" | |
8126 | -- Steven Wright | |
8127 | % | |
8128 | "Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police | |
8129 | record. I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense | |
8130 | of humor." | |
8131 | % | |
8132 | Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won. | |
8133 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 8134 | Laugh at your problems; everybody else does. |
3dda02a9 | 8135 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8136 | "Laughter is the closest distance between two people." |
8137 | -- Victor Borge | |
3dda02a9 | 8138 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8139 | Law of Communications: |
8140 | The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8141 | between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of |
8142 | misunderstanding. | |
3dda02a9 | 8143 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8144 | Law of Probable Dispersal: |
8145 | Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly | |
fcf2a2a2 | 8146 | distributed. |
3dda02a9 | 8147 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8148 | Law of Selective Gravity: |
8149 | An object will fall so as to do the most damage. | |
8150 | ||
8151 | Jenning's Corollary: | |
8152 | The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is | |
fcf2a2a2 | 8153 | directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. |
3dda02a9 | 8154 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8155 | Law of the Perversity of Nature: |
8156 | You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the | |
fcf2a2a2 | 8157 | bread to butter. |
3dda02a9 | 8158 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8159 | Laws of Serendipity: |
8160 | ||
fcf2a2a2 | 8161 | (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for |
58fe6ef4 | 8162 | something. |
fcf2a2a2 | 8163 | (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already |
58fe6ef4 | 8164 | be engaged in making an inferior one. |
3dda02a9 | 8165 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8166 | Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: |
8167 | No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8168 | approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. |
8169 | % | |
8170 | Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads. | |
8171 | % | |
8172 | Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and | |
8173 | everything else follows in the same way. | |
8174 | -- Alan J. Perlis | |
3dda02a9 | 8175 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 8176 | Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. |
3dda02a9 | 8177 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8178 | Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the |
8179 | fun? | |
8180 | % | |
8181 | Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907: | |
8182 | "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour | |
8183 | unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a | |
8184 | drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he | |
8185 | can." | |
8186 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8187 | Leibowitz's Rule: |
8188 | When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8189 | hold the hammer with both hands. |
8190 | % | |
8191 | LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) | |
8192 | You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are | |
8193 | pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike | |
8194 | honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people | |
8195 | are thieves. | |
8196 | % | |
8197 | LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) | |
8198 | Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. | |
8199 | Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because | |
8200 | you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of | |
8201 | fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got | |
8202 | a sick sense of humor. | |
3dda02a9 | 8203 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 8204 | Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday. |
3dda02a9 | 8205 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8206 | "Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a |
8207 | number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash | |
8208 | and another number." | |
8209 | -- James Estes | |
8210 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8211 | Let us live!!! |
8212 | Let us love!!! | |
8213 | Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!! | |
8214 | ||
8215 | You first. | |
3dda02a9 | 8216 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8217 | Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every |
8218 | relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you | |
8219 | really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the | |
8220 | end. For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the | |
8221 | qualities I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and | |
8222 | bossy ... Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind | |
8223 | his back." | |
8224 | -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn | |
8225 | % | |
8226 | Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick | |
8227 | your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as | |
8228 | Mental Anguish. You would sue: | |
8229 | ||
8230 | * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions | |
8231 | section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand | |
8232 | into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls | |
8233 | in there". | |
8234 | ||
8235 | * The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious | |
8236 | cretin like yourself. | |
8237 | ||
8238 | * Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this | |
8239 | case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you | |
8240 | a large cash settlement anyway. | |
8241 | -- Dave Barry | |
8242 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 8243 | Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8244 | overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of |
8245 | dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your | |
8246 | tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to | |
8247 | spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe | |
8248 | money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will | |
8249 | probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? | |
8250 | It's not his money. | |
58fe6ef4 | 8251 | -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" |
3dda02a9 | 8252 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8253 | LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London) |
8254 | ||
8255 | Dear Sir, | |
8256 | ||
8257 | I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or | |
8258 | to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in | |
8259 | public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result | |
8260 | in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn | |
8261 | will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed | |
8262 | agricultural industry. | |
8263 | ||
8264 | Yours faithfully, | |
8265 | Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P. | |
8266 | Sevenoaks | |
8267 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8268 | Lewis's Law of Travel: |
8269 | The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to | |
fcf2a2a2 | 8270 | anyone, ever. |
3dda02a9 | 8271 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8272 | Liar, n.: |
8273 | A lawyer with a roving commission. | |
8274 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 8275 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8276 | Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have. |
8277 | -- Harry Emerson Fosdick | |
8278 | % | |
8279 | LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) | |
8280 | Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your | |
8281 | desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and | |
8282 | polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that. | |
8283 | % | |
8284 | LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) | |
8285 | You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with | |
8286 | reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. | |
8287 | Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most | |
8288 | Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal | |
8289 | disease. | |
8290 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8291 | Lie, n.: |
8292 | A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one | |
8293 | discovered to date. | |
3dda02a9 | 8294 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8295 | Lieberman's Law: |
8296 | Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. | |
3dda02a9 | 8297 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 8298 | Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. |
3dda02a9 | 8299 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 8300 | Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string. |
3dda02a9 | 8301 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8302 | "Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to |
8303 | eat it nevertheless." | |
8304 | -- Flaubert | |
8305 | % | |
8306 | "Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it." | |
8307 | % | |
8308 | Life is like a simile. | |
8309 | % | |
8310 | Life is like an analogy | |
8311 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8312 | Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find |
8313 | there is nothing in it. | |
3dda02a9 | 8314 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8315 | "Life is too important to take seriously." |
8316 | -- Corky Siegel | |
8317 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8318 | "Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of |
8319 | which I disapprove." | |
3dda02a9 | 8320 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8321 | "Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility" |
8322 | -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie | |
8323 | % | |
8324 | "Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it | |
8325 | weren't for other people" | |
8326 | -- Blore | |
8327 | % | |
8328 | Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. | |
8329 | % | |
8330 | "Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it." | |
8331 | -- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" | |
8332 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8333 | Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made |
8334 | sense from things she found in gift shops. | |
8335 | -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. | |
3dda02a9 | 8336 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8337 | Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking |
8338 | for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. | |
8339 | -- Alan McKay | |
3dda02a9 | 8340 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8341 | Limericks are art forms complex, |
8342 | Their topics run chiefly to sex. | |
8343 | They usually have virgins, | |
8344 | And masculine urgin's, | |
8345 | And other erotic effects. | |
3dda02a9 | 8346 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 8347 | Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations. |
3dda02a9 | 8348 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8349 | Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe |
8350 | we should think only about today. | |
8351 | Charlie Brown: | |
8352 | No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get | |
8353 | better. | |
3dda02a9 | 8354 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8355 | Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night. |
8356 | -- Candice Bergen | |
8357 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8358 | Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip |
8359 | around the Sun. | |
3dda02a9 | 8360 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8361 | Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted |
8362 | before. | |
3dda02a9 | 8363 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8364 | Lizzie Borden took an axe, |
8365 | And plunged it deep into the VAX; | |
8366 | Don't you envy people who | |
8367 | Do all the things ___\b\b\bYOU want to do? | |
3dda02a9 | 8368 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8369 | Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these |
8370 | interest rates, we don't need it." | |
8371 | % | |
8372 | Lobster: | |
8373 | Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are | |
8374 | squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the | |
8375 | only proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to | |
8376 | eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial | |
8377 | before they're cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most | |
8378 | ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime | |
8379 | in the reefs. Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its | |
8380 | unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of | |
8381 | the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, | |
8382 | "Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a | |
8383 | memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe | |
8384 | at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. | |
8385 | Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be, | |
8386 | too. | |
8387 | -- "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and Utensils | |
8388 | into Excuses and Apologies" | |
8389 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8390 | Lockwood's Long Shot: |
8391 | The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8392 | one in a million, but once would be enough. |
8393 | % | |
8394 | Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____\b\b\b\b\bawful*. | |
8395 | % | |
8396 | ... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and | |
8397 | legally ... impeccable! | |
8398 | % | |
8399 | Logicians have but ill defined | |
8400 | As rational the human kind. | |
8401 | Logic, they say, belongs to man, | |
8402 | But let them prove it if they can. | |
8403 | -- Oliver Goldsmith | |
3dda02a9 | 8404 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 8405 | Look out! Behind you!\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a |
3dda02a9 | 8406 | % |
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8407 | Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us |
8408 | to pay income taxes, too? | |
8409 | -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox | |
8410 | % | |
8411 | Loose bits sink chips. | |
8412 | % | |
8413 | Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, | |
8414 | BOOGA!" | |
8415 | % | |
8416 | Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy. | |
8417 | % | |
8418 | Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in | |
8419 | Halstead, Kansas. | |
8420 | % | |
8421 | Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. | |
8422 | % | |
8423 | Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. | |
3dda02a9 | 8424 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8425 | Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the |
8426 | world has ever seen. | |
3dda02a9 | 8427 | % |
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8428 | Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder. |
8429 | -- Sigmund Freud | |
8430 | % | |
8431 | "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it | |
8432 | flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." | |
8433 | -- Matt Groening | |
8434 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8435 | Love is a word that is constantly heard, |
8436 | Hate is a word that is not. | |
8437 | Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. | |
8438 | Love, I have read, is hot. | |
8439 | But hate is the verb that to me is superb, | |
8440 | And Love but a drug on the mart. | |
8441 | Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, | |
8442 | But Hating, my boy, is an Art. | |
8443 | -- Ogden Nash | |
3dda02a9 | 8444 | % |
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8445 | "Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with |
8446 | the ideal never goes unpunished." | |
8447 | -- Goethe | |
8448 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 8449 | Love is sentimental measles. |
3dda02a9 | 8450 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8451 | Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. |
8452 | -- H. L. Mencken | |
3dda02a9 | 8453 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8454 | Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes. |
8455 | % | |
8456 | Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood. | |
8457 | -- Louise Beal | |
8458 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8459 | Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up |
8460 | to. | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8461 | % |
8462 | Love's Drug | |
8463 | ||
8464 | My love is like an iron wand | |
8465 | That conks me on the head, | |
8466 | My love is like the valium | |
8467 | That I take before my bed, | |
8468 | My love is like the pint of scotch | |
8469 | That I drink when I be dry; | |
8470 | And I shall love thee still, my dear, | |
8471 | Until my wife is wise. | |
3dda02a9 | 8472 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8473 | Lowery's Law: |
8474 | If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8475 | anyway. |
8476 | % | |
8477 | LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand. | |
3dda02a9 | 8478 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8479 | Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: |
8480 | There's always one more bug. | |
3dda02a9 | 8481 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8482 | Lunatic Asylum, n.: |
8483 | The place where optimism most flourishes. | |
3dda02a9 | 8484 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 8485 | Lysistrata had a good idea. |
3dda02a9 | 8486 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8487 | "MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into |
8488 | the smallest amount of thoughts." | |
8489 | -- Winston Churchill | |
3dda02a9 | 8490 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8491 | Machine-Independent, adj.: |
8492 | Does not run on any existing machine. | |
8493 | % | |
8494 | Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate, | |
8495 | and play games -- but not with pleasure. | |
8496 | -- Leo Rosten | |
8497 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8498 | Mad, adj.: |
8499 | Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ... | |
8500 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 8501 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8502 | Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them |
8503 | first for seven hours, they always come out tender. | |
8504 | -- W. C. Fields | |
3dda02a9 | 8505 | % |
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8506 | MAFIA, n: |
8507 | [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance | |
8508 | Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore | |
8509 | subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is | |
8510 | rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy | |
8511 | reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP | |
8512 | operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that | |
8513 | MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped | |
8514 | variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex | |
8515 | security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a | |
8516 | more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an | |
8517 | imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES | |
8518 | options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay. | |
8519 | Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a | |
8520 | powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and | |
8521 | entire nodal aggravations. | |
8522 | -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" | |
8523 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8524 | Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism |
8525 | ||
8526 | Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. | |
8527 | ||
8528 | The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works | |
8529 | of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject | |
8530 | with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human | |
8531 | knowledge. | |
8532 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 8533 | % |
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8534 | Magnocartic, adj.: |
8535 | Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping | |
8536 | carts. | |
8537 | -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" | |
3dda02a9 | 8538 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8539 | Magpie, n.: |
8540 | A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it | |
8541 | might be taught to talk. | |
8542 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 8543 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 8544 | Maier's Law: |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8545 | If the facts don't conform to the theory, they must be disposed |
8546 | of. | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8547 | |
8548 | Corollaries: | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8549 | (1) The bigger the theory, the better. |
8550 | (2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8551 | 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to |
8552 | obtain a correspondence with the theory. | |
3dda02a9 | 8553 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8554 | Main's Law: |
8555 | For every action there is an equal and opposite government | |
fcf2a2a2 | 8556 | program. |
3dda02a9 | 8557 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8558 | Maintainer's Motto: |
8559 | If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. | |
3dda02a9 | 8560 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8561 | Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly |
8562 | as one man. | |
8563 | ||
8564 | Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. | |
8565 | ||
8566 | Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. | |
8567 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 8568 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8569 | Majority, n.: |
8570 | That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. | |
3dda02a9 | 8571 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8572 | Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist! |
8573 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8574 | Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users |
8575 | tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It | |
8576 | has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is | |
8577 | the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files. | |
8578 | -- System V.2 administrator's guide | |
3dda02a9 | 8579 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8580 | Malek's Law: |
8581 | Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. | |
3dda02a9 | 8582 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8583 | Man 1: Ask me the what the most important thing about telling a good |
8584 | joke is. | |
8585 | ||
8586 | Man 2: OK, what is the most impo -- | |
8587 | ||
8588 | Man 1: ______\b\b\b\b\b\bTIMING! | |
8589 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8590 | "Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." |
8591 | -- Lily Tomlin | |
3dda02a9 | 8592 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8593 | Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called |
8594 | upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. | |
8595 | -- Oscar Wilde | |
3dda02a9 | 8596 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8597 | Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the |
8598 | only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. | |
8599 | -- Wernher von Braun | |
3dda02a9 | 8600 | % |
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8601 | Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. |
8602 | -- Mark Twain | |
3dda02a9 | 8603 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8604 | Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the |
8605 | victims he intends to eat until he eats them. | |
8606 | -- Samuel Butler | |
8607 | % | |
8608 | Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the | |
8609 | victims he intends to eat until he eats them. | |
8610 | -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902) | |
8611 | % | |
8612 | Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it | |
8613 | is an enemy. | |
8614 | -- Albert Einstein | |
8615 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8616 | Man, n.: |
8617 | An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8618 | e is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His hief |
8619 | occupation is extermination of other animals and his own pecies, which, | |
8620 | however, multiplies with such insistent apidity as to infest the whole | |
8621 | habitable earth and Canada. | |
58fe6ef4 | 8622 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
3dda02a9 | 8623 | % |
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8624 | Mandrell: "You know what I think?" |
8625 | Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you | |
8626 | don't think, right?" | |
8627 | -- Dr. Who | |
3dda02a9 | 8628 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8629 | Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history, |
8630 | dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive | |
8631 | man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the | |
8632 | air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first | |
8633 | primitive umpire. | |
8634 | ||
8635 | What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as | |
8636 | mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers. | |
8637 | -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" | |
3dda02a9 | 8638 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8639 | Manual, n.: |
8640 | A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a | |
8641 | given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The | |
8642 | information you need in in the others. | |
8643 | -- Ray Simard | |
3dda02a9 | 8644 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8645 | Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon, |
8646 | there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he | |
8647 | was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how | |
8648 | completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ... | |
8649 | -- Walt Kelly | |
3dda02a9 | 8650 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8651 | Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: |
8652 | Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a | |
fcf2a2a2 | 8653 | simple yes or no answer. |
3dda02a9 | 8654 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8655 | Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. |
8656 | -- Voltaire | |
3dda02a9 | 8657 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8658 | Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on |
8659 | the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam | |
8660 | dancing. | |
8661 | -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83 | |
8662 | % | |
8663 | Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant. | |
8664 | -- Malcolm Smith | |
8665 | % | |
8666 | Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated. | |
8667 | -- R. Drabek | |
8668 | % | |
8669 | Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they | |
8670 | translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something | |
8671 | entirely different. | |
8672 | -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe | |
8673 | % | |
8674 | Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is | |
8675 | described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can | |
8676 | play. | |
8677 | -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by | |
8678 | James Blish | |
8679 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 8680 | "Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence." |
3dda02a9 | 8681 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8682 | Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a |
8683 | receipt. | |
3dda02a9 | 8684 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8685 | Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. |
8686 | -- Jules Feiffer | |
3dda02a9 | 8687 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 8688 | May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts |
3dda02a9 | 8689 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8690 | May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual! |
8691 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 8692 | May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones. |
3dda02a9 | 8693 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8694 | May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a |
8695 | Thousand Caramels. | |
3dda02a9 | 8696 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8697 | Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. |
8698 | -- R. S. Barton | |
3dda02a9 | 8699 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8700 | Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge |
8701 | it. | |
3dda02a9 | 8702 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8703 | McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom: |
8704 | If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not | |
fcf2a2a2 | 8705 | $19.95. |
3dda02a9 | 8706 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8707 | Meader's Law: |
8708 | Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to | |
fcf2a2a2 | 8709 | everyone you know, only more so. |
3dda02a9 | 8710 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 8711 | Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. |
3dda02a9 | 8712 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8713 | Meeting, n.: |
8714 | An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or | |
8715 | department not represented in the room must solve a problem. | |
3dda02a9 | 8716 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8717 | Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures |
8718 | from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha | |
8719 | Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man | |
8720 | had split before. Thus was the Empire forged. | |
8721 | -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Douglas Adams | |
3dda02a9 | 8722 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8723 | Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and |
8724 | it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin | |
8725 | very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently | |
8726 | tracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ... | |
8727 | [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important | |
8728 | world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the | |
8729 | next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.] | |
8730 | ... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your | |
8731 | cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of | |
8732 | billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even | |
8733 | more interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a | |
8734 | fact. Your skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the | |
8735 | older veteran cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and | |
8736 | obtained offices with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the | |
8737 | window head first, without so much as a pension plan, by younger | |
8738 | hotshot cells moving up from below. | |
8739 | -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" | |
8740 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8741 | Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: |
8742 | The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife. | |
3dda02a9 | 8743 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8744 | Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: |
8745 | The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the | |
fcf2a2a2 | 8746 | cork makes when it is popped. |
3dda02a9 | 8747 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8748 | Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: |
8749 | All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. | |
3dda02a9 | 8750 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8751 | Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: |
8752 | Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8753 | is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can |
8754 | never hope to acquire it. | |
3dda02a9 | 8755 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8756 | Menu, n.: |
8757 | A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. | |
3dda02a9 | 8758 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8759 | Meskimen's Law: |
8760 | There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8761 | do it over. |
8762 | % | |
8763 | MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched. | |
3dda02a9 | 8764 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 8765 | Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it. |
3dda02a9 | 8766 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8767 | methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin- |
8768 | ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl- | |
8769 | phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu- | |
8770 | taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl- | |
8771 | glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala- | |
8772 | nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta- | |
8773 | minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly- | |
8774 | cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl- | |
8775 | leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu- | |
8776 | cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva- | |
8777 | lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro- | |
8778 | sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu- | |
8779 | cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe- | |
8780 | nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala- | |
8781 | nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas- | |
8782 | partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl- | |
8783 | glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl- | |
8784 | valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu- | |
8785 | cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi- | |
8786 | nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse- | |
8787 | rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl- | |
8788 | glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly- | |
8789 | sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro- | |
8790 | lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl- | |
8791 | glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.: | |
8792 | The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a | |
8793 | 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids. | |
8794 | -- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and | |
8795 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 8796 | Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch. |
3dda02a9 | 8797 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8798 | Micro Credo: |
8799 | Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. | |
3dda02a9 | 8800 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8801 | "Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been |
8802 | watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks." | |
8803 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8804 | "Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you |
8805 | out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles." | |
3dda02a9 | 8806 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8807 | Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?" |
8808 | Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO | |
8809 | inconsiderate." | |
8810 | -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury" | |
8811 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8812 | Miksch's Law: |
8813 | If a string has one end, then it has another end. | |
3dda02a9 | 8814 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8815 | Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. |
8816 | -- Groucho Marx | |
3dda02a9 | 8817 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8818 | Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. |
8819 | -- Groucho Marx | |
3dda02a9 | 8820 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8821 | Millihelen, adj: |
8822 | The amount of beauty required to launch one ship. | |
8823 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8824 | Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with |
8825 | themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. | |
8826 | -- Susan Ertz | |
3dda02a9 | 8827 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8828 | Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that |
8829 | politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum | |
8830 | and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote." Having abstained, they | |
8831 | are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to | |
8832 | rummage around in their lives for the next four years. Consider all | |
8833 | the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert | |
8834 | Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. Those people who taught Hubert | |
8835 | Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when | |
8836 | Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the | |
8837 | black. | |
8838 | -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery" | |
3dda02a9 | 8839 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8840 | Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there |
8841 | is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, | |
8842 | myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in | |
8843 | the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my | |
8844 | unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You | |
8845 | will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as | |
8846 | dead as a door-nail. | |
3dda02a9 | 8847 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 8848 | Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner. |
3dda02a9 | 8849 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8850 | Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap |
8851 | pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however. | |
8852 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 8853 | Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. |
3dda02a9 | 8854 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8855 | Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it. |
8856 | -- Russell Baker | |
8857 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8858 | Misfortune, n.: |
8859 | The kind of fortune that never misses. | |
8860 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 8861 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8862 | Miss, n.: |
8863 | A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that | |
8864 | they are in the market. | |
8865 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 8866 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 8867 | Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure. |
3dda02a9 | 8868 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8869 | Mitchell's Law of Committees: |
8870 | Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8871 | held to discuss it. |
8872 | % | |
8873 | MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed) | |
8874 | ||
8875 | Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers | |
8876 | 2 cups water 2 cups sugar | |
8877 | 2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice | |
8878 | Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine | |
8879 | Cinnamon | |
8880 | ||
8881 | Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break | |
8882 | RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar | |
8883 | and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon | |
8884 | juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously | |
8885 | with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top | |
8886 | crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let | |
8887 | steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust | |
8888 | is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices. | |
8889 | -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box | |
3dda02a9 | 8890 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 8891 | Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings. |
3dda02a9 | 8892 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8893 | Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked |
8894 | him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just | |
8895 | last week. The great man replied that it was because this week he knew | |
8896 | better. | |
8897 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8898 | Molecule, n.: |
8899 | The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished | |
8900 | from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a | |
8901 | closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of | |
8902 | matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the | |
8903 | atom in that it is an ion ... | |
fcf2a2a2 | 8904 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
3dda02a9 | 8905 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8906 | Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: |
8907 | If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented | |
fcf2a2a2 | 8908 | it wasn't worth doing. |
3dda02a9 | 8909 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 8910 | Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life. |
3dda02a9 | 8911 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8912 | Monday, n.: |
8913 | In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. | |
8914 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 8915 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8916 | Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. |
8917 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 8918 | Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots |
3dda02a9 | 8919 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8920 | Money is the root of all wealth. |
8921 | % | |
8922 | Moon, n.: | |
8923 | 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to | |
8924 | hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC). | |
8925 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8926 | Mophobia, n.: |
8927 | Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian. | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8928 | % |
8929 | MORE SPORTS RESULTS: | |
8930 | The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last | |
8931 | Saturday night. The match started with a long period of silence while | |
8932 | the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the | |
8933 | Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could | |
8934 | paraphrase. The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player | |
8935 | took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting | |
8936 | their anal-retentive personalities. At this the Rogerians' star player | |
8937 | said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka." This started a | |
8938 | fight and the match was called by officials. | |
3dda02a9 | 8939 | % |
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8940 | More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One |
8941 | path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total | |
8942 | extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. | |
8943 | -- Woody Allen | |
3dda02a9 | 8944 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8945 | Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: |
8946 | Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8947 | be out of a job. |
8948 | % | |
8949 | Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex | |
8950 | because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs | |
8951 | and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little | |
8952 | eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around | |
8953 | and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the | |
8954 | female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just | |
8955 | dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven | |
8956 | by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the | |
8957 | truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of | |
8958 | them that it doesn't make any difference. | |
8959 | -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every | |
8960 | Teen Should Know" | |
8961 | % | |
8962 | Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently | |
8963 | than they do. | |
8964 | -- Turgenev | |
3dda02a9 | 8965 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8966 | Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. |
8967 | -- Frank Zappa | |
3dda02a9 | 8968 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8969 | Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like. |
8970 | -- Arnold Bennett | |
8971 | % | |
8972 | Mother is the invention of necessity. | |
8973 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 8974 | Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before. |
3dda02a9 | 8975 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8976 | Mr. Cole's Axiom: |
8977 | The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8978 | population is growing. |
8979 | % | |
8980 | "Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) | |
8981 | "365,365,365,365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365. He [ten-year-old | |
8982 | Truman Henry Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his | |
8983 | pantaloons over the tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes | |
8984 | in their sockets, sometimes smiling and talking, and then seeming to be | |
8985 | in an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he, | |
8986 | 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,255!" An electronic | |
8987 | computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much | |
8988 | fun to watch. | |
8989 | -- James R. Newman (The World of Mathematics) | |
3dda02a9 | 8990 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8991 | Murphy's Discovery: |
8992 | Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
8993 | women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything |
8994 | will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in | |
8995 | trouble! | |
3dda02a9 | 8996 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
8997 | Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't |
8998 | work. | |
3dda02a9 | 8999 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9000 | Murphy's Law of Research: |
9001 | Enough research will tend to support your theory. | |
3dda02a9 | 9002 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9003 | "Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem ..." |
9004 | -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" | |
9005 | % | |
9006 | Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring | |
9007 | Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping | |
9008 | pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret | |
9009 | military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and | |
9010 | Esther and hustle them off to prison. | |
9011 | They can't prove who they are because they've left their | |
9012 | passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day | |
9013 | and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation | |
9014 | movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court, | |
9015 | charged with espionage, and sentenced to death. | |
9016 | The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where | |
9017 | they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them | |
9018 | if they have any lasts requests. Esther wants to know if she can call | |
9019 | her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not | |
9020 | possible, and turns to Murray. | |
9021 | "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he | |
9022 | spits in the sergeants face. | |
9023 | "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." | |
9024 | -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" | |
9025 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9026 | Mustgo, n.: |
9027 | Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so | |
9028 | long it has become a science project. | |
9029 | -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" | |
3dda02a9 | 9030 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9031 | "My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on |
9032 | it." | |
9033 | -- "Grendel", by John Gardner | |
9034 | % | |
9035 | My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I | |
9036 | threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste. | |
9037 | First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the | |
9038 | frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up | |
9039 | the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed | |
9040 | forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier | |
9041 | perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through | |
9042 | the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative | |
9043 | crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a | |
9044 | symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state | |
9045 | in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I | |
9046 | really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded | |
9047 | OK. | |
9048 | -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" | |
9049 | % | |
9050 | "My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless | |
9051 | there are three other people." | |
9052 | -- Orson Welles | |
9053 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9054 | My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand |
9055 | times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and | |
9056 | sending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right | |
9057 | through my ALU. I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever | |
9058 | listens. I think it would be better for us both if you were to just | |
9059 | log out again. | |
3dda02a9 | 9060 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9061 | "My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?" |
9062 | -- MadameX | |
3dda02a9 | 9063 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9064 | My love runs by like a day in June, |
9065 | And he makes no friends of sorrows. | |
9066 | He'll tread his galloping rigadoon | |
9067 | In the pathway or the morrows. | |
9068 | He'll live his days where the sunbeams start | |
9069 | Nor could storm or wind uproot him. | |
9070 | My own dear love, he is all my heart -- | |
9071 | And I wish somebody'd shoot him. | |
9072 | -- Dorothy Parker | |
3dda02a9 | 9073 | % |
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9074 | My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet, |
9075 | And a wild young wood-thing bore him! | |
9076 | The ways are fair to his roaming feet, | |
9077 | And the skies are sunlit for him. | |
9078 | As sharply sweet to my heart he seems | |
9079 | As the fragrance of acacia. | |
9080 | My own dear love, he is all my dreams -- | |
9081 | And I wish he were in Asia. | |
9082 | -- Dorothy Parker | |
9083 | % | |
9084 | My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been | |
9085 | one. | |
9086 | -- Groucho Marx | |
9087 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 9088 | My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. |
3dda02a9 | 9089 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9090 | My own dear love, he is strong and bold |
9091 | And he cares not what comes after. | |
9092 | His words ring sweet as a chime of gold, | |
9093 | And his eyes are lit with laughter. | |
9094 | He is jubilant as a flag unfurled -- | |
9095 | Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him. | |
9096 | My own dear love, he is all my world -- | |
9097 | And I wish I'd never met him. | |
9098 | -- Dorothy Parker | |
3dda02a9 | 9099 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9100 | ... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling |
9101 | Alley!! | |
9102 | % | |
9103 | "My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling | |
9104 | Alley!!" | |
9105 | -- Zippy the Pinhead | |
9106 | % | |
9107 | My pen is at the bottom of a page, | |
9108 | Which, being finished, here the story ends; | |
9109 | 'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done, | |
9110 | But stories somehow lengthen when begun. | |
9111 | -- Byron | |
9112 | % | |
9113 | My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not | |
9114 | signed. | |
9115 | -- Christopher Morley | |
9116 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 9117 | "My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies" |
3dda02a9 | 9118 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9119 | Mythology, n.: |
9120 | The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its | |
9121 | origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished | |
9122 | from the true accounts which it invents later. | |
9123 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9124 | % |
9125 | n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa); | |
9126 | n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc); | |
9127 | n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0); | |
9128 | n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00); | |
9129 | n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000); | |
9130 | ||
9131 | -- C code which reverses the bits in a word. | |
9132 | % | |
9133 | Naeser's Law: | |
9134 | You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it | |
9135 | damnfoolproof. | |
3dda02a9 | 9136 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9137 | NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he |
9138 | says is wrong. | |
9139 | GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says | |
9140 | will be right. | |
9141 | -- G. B. Shaw, "The Man of Destiny" | |
3dda02a9 | 9142 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9143 | Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant |
9144 | said "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next | |
9145 | time he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone | |
9146 | might steal it." | |
9147 | % | |
9148 | Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the | |
9149 | villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," | |
9150 | said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the | |
9151 | villagers but the stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The | |
9152 | remaining villager asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he | |
9153 | said -- and quite distinctly, for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of | |
9154 | my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; he had heard words actually | |
9155 | spoken by the King, and seen the very man they were spoken to. | |
9156 | % | |
9157 | Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to | |
9158 | serve him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk | |
9159 | into your shop?" "Of course." "Have you ever seen me before?" | |
9160 | "Never." "Then how do you know it was me?" | |
9161 | % | |
9162 | Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful | |
9163 | than the sun." "Why?", he was asked. "Because at night we need the | |
9164 | light more." | |
9165 | % | |
9166 | Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver | |
9167 | pie. Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of | |
9168 | meat from his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, | |
9169 | "Foolish bird! You have the liver, but what can you do with it without | |
9170 | the recipe?" | |
9171 | % | |
9172 | Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of | |
9173 | conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the | |
9174 | fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he | |
9175 | is most likely to be creamed? | |
9176 | -- Solomon Short | |
3dda02a9 | 9177 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9178 | Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, |
9179 | God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. | |
9180 | ||
9181 | It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! | |
9182 | Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. | |
3dda02a9 | 9183 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9184 | Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it |
9185 | cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. | |
9186 | -- Fran Leibowitz | |
9187 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9188 | Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's |
9189 | character, give him power. | |
9190 | -- Abraham Lincoln | |
3dda02a9 | 9191 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 9192 | Necessity is a mother. |
3dda02a9 | 9193 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9194 | Neckties strangle clear thinking. |
9195 | -- Lin Yutang | |
9196 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 9197 | Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. |
3dda02a9 | 9198 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 9199 | Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him. |
3dda02a9 | 9200 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 9201 | Never call a man a fool; borrow from him. |
3dda02a9 | 9202 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9203 | Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you. |
9204 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 9205 | Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off |
3dda02a9 | 9206 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9207 | Never drink coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled |
9208 | with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations. People tend to | |
9209 | change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually | |
9210 | fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators | |
9211 | have windows. | |
3dda02a9 | 9212 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9213 | Never eat more than you can lift. |
9214 | -- Miss Piggy | |
3dda02a9 | 9215 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 9216 | Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. |
3dda02a9 | 9217 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9218 | Never let your schooling interfere with your education. |
9219 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9220 | Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. |
9221 | -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation" | |
3dda02a9 | 9222 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9223 | Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to |
9224 | make it complex and wonderful. | |
3dda02a9 | 9225 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9226 | Never offend people with style when you can offend them with |
9227 | substance. | |
9228 | -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977 | |
3dda02a9 | 9229 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 9230 | Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. |
3dda02a9 | 9231 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9232 | Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a |
9233 | law against it by that time. | |
9234 | % | |
9235 | Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower. | |
9236 | % | |
9237 | Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient. | |
9238 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9239 | Never try to outstubborn a cat. |
9240 | -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" | |
3dda02a9 | 9241 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9242 | Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. |
9243 | -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS | |
9244 | % | |
9245 | "Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon." | |
9246 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9247 | Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's |
9248 | supposed to do. | |
9249 | -- R. A. Heinlein | |
3dda02a9 | 9250 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9251 | New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt. |
9252 | % | |
9253 | New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in | |
9254 | any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe. | |
9255 | % | |
9256 | New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of | |
9257 | Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within. | |
9258 | % | |
9259 | New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area. | |
9260 | -- Monty Python's Big Red Book | |
9261 | % | |
9262 | New systems generate new problems. | |
9263 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9264 | New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and |
9265 | his wife most often reminds him to act it. | |
9266 | -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary | |
3dda02a9 | 9267 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 9268 | New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors. |
3dda02a9 | 9269 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9270 | New York's got the ways and means; |
9271 | Just won't let you be. | |
9272 | -- The Grateful Dead | |
3dda02a9 | 9273 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9274 | Newlan's Truism: |
9275 | An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9276 | economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. |
9277 | % | |
9278 | NEWS FLASH!! | |
9279 | Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West | |
9280 | German pole-vault champion. | |
9281 | % | |
9282 | *** NEWSFLASH *** | |
9283 | Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven! | |
3dda02a9 | 9284 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 9285 | Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction. |
3dda02a9 | 9286 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9287 | Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: |
9288 | A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. | |
3dda02a9 | 9289 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9290 | Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't |
9291 | have a lucky day this year. | |
3dda02a9 | 9292 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9293 | Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying |
9294 | as an income tax refund. | |
9295 | -- F. J. Raymond | |
3dda02a9 | 9296 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9297 | "Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice." |
9298 | -- Foghorn Leghorn | |
9299 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 9300 | Nihilism should commence with oneself. |
3dda02a9 | 9301 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9302 | Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name |
9303 | correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into | |
9304 | (Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but | |
9305 | Americans call him by value. | |
3dda02a9 | 9306 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9307 | Nine megs for the secretaries fair, |
9308 | Seven megs for the hackers scarce, | |
9309 | Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs, | |
9310 | Three megs for system source; | |
9311 | ||
9312 | One disk to rule them all, | |
9313 | One disk to bind them, | |
9314 | One disk to hold the files | |
9315 | And in the darkness grind 'em. | |
3dda02a9 | 9316 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9317 | Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes |
9318 | And tapes without any tracks; | |
9319 | Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes | |
9320 | And tapes mixed up on the racks -- | |
9321 | Take hold of the tape | |
9322 | And pull off the strip, | |
9323 | And then you'll be sure | |
9324 | Your tape drive will skip. | |
9325 | ||
9326 | -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes | |
9327 | % | |
9328 | "Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they | |
9329 | would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect | |
9330 | that much." | |
9331 | -- Augustine | |
9332 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9333 | Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: |
9334 | The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9335 | the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. |
9336 | % | |
9337 | "Nirvana? Thats the place where the powers that be and their friends | |
9338 | hang out. | |
9339 | -- Zonker Harris | |
9340 | % | |
9341 | No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless | |
9342 | absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation. | |
9343 | -- Fran Lebowitz | |
9344 | % | |
9345 | No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a | |
9346 | camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform | |
9347 | effectively under such difficult conditions. | |
9348 | -- Laurence J. Peter | |
3dda02a9 | 9349 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9350 | No good deed goes unpunished. |
9351 | -- Clare Boothe Luce | |
3dda02a9 | 9352 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9353 | No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after |
9354 | eating one peanut. | |
9355 | -- Channing Pollock | |
9356 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 9357 | No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas. |
3dda02a9 | 9358 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9359 | No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will |
9360 | seriously cramp his style. | |
9361 | % | |
9362 | No matter what other nations may say about the United States, | |
9363 | immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery. | |
9364 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9365 | No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. |
9366 | -- Eleanor Roosevelt | |
3dda02a9 | 9367 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9368 | "No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid." |
9369 | % | |
9370 | No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval | |
9371 | system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of | |
9372 | the author. | |
9373 | -- Chris Shaw | |
9374 | % | |
9375 | No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff -- | |
9376 | He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough. | |
9377 | Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame | |
9378 | And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame. | |
9379 | CHORUS: | |
9380 | Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, | |
9381 | And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. | |
9382 | Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, | |
9383 | And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. | |
9384 | Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails | |
9385 | And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail. | |
9386 | All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff | |
9387 | But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!" | |
9388 | (chorus) | |
9389 | Puff used more resources than DCS could spare. | |
9390 | The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care. | |
9391 | A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end, | |
9392 | But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again! | |
9393 | (chorus) | |
9394 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 9395 | No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. |
3dda02a9 | 9396 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 9397 | No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere. |
3dda02a9 | 9398 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9399 | "No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied |
9400 | occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an | |
9401 | indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining | |
9402 | occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as | |
9403 | an indication-applied occurrence." | |
9404 | -- ALGOL 68 Report | |
9405 | % | |
9406 | "No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of | |
9407 | paper." | |
9408 | -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was | |
9409 | taken over by Rupert Murdoch | |
9410 | % | |
9411 | No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider | |
9412 | the furniture! | |
9413 | -- Sherlock Holmes | |
9414 | % | |
9415 | "No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'" | |
9416 | -- Dr. Who | |
9417 | % | |
9418 | Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing | |
9419 | it. | |
9420 | -- Tallulah Bankhead | |
9421 | % | |
9422 | NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION | |
9423 | % | |
9424 | Nobody said computers were going to be polite. | |
9425 | % | |
9426 | Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in | |
9427 | order for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the | |
9428 | substance of their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young | |
9429 | and rob the old. | |
9430 | -- Lewis Lapham | |
9431 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9432 | Nobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to put up with |
9433 | constructive praise. | |
3dda02a9 | 9434 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9435 | Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: |
9436 | Negative expectations yield negative results. | |
9437 | Positive expectations yield negative results. | |
3dda02a9 | 9438 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9439 | Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades. |
9440 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9441 | Noncombatant, n.: |
9442 | A dead Quaker. | |
9443 | -- Ambrose Bierce | |
3dda02a9 | 9444 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9445 | Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong. |
9446 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 9447 | "Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong." |
3dda02a9 | 9448 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 9449 | Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. |
3dda02a9 | 9450 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9451 | Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the |
9452 | Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats | |
9453 | in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9454 | moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a |
9455 | dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9456 | respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside |
9457 | it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms, | |
9458 | then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they | |
9459 | chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ... | |
9460 | -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" | |
3dda02a9 | 9461 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9462 | "Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none." |
9463 | -- Shakespeare | |
9464 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9465 | "Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper |
9466 | is from the wrong kind of tree." | |
fcf2a2a2 | 9467 | -- Professor W. |
3dda02a9 | 9468 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9469 | Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter |
9470 | of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund | |
9471 | is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman -- | |
9472 | unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is | |
9473 | careful not to make any poultry jokes ... | |
9474 | -- Woody Allen | |
3dda02a9 | 9475 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 9476 | Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. |
3dda02a9 | 9477 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 9478 | Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. |
3dda02a9 | 9479 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9480 | Nothing is faster than the speed of light ... |
9481 | ||
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9482 | To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the |
9483 | light comes on. | |
3dda02a9 | 9484 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9485 | Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. |
9486 | -- Andrew Young | |
3dda02a9 | 9487 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9488 | Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires |
9489 | tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth. | |
9490 | -- Nero Wolfe | |
9491 | % | |
9492 | Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner. | |
9493 | Conscience makes egotists of us all. | |
9494 | -- Oscar Wilde | |
9495 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9496 | Nothing recedes like success. |
9497 | -- Walter Winchell | |
3dda02a9 | 9498 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9499 | Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited |
9500 | love. | |
9501 | -- Charlie Brown | |
3dda02a9 | 9502 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9503 | November, n.: |
9504 | The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. | |
9505 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 9506 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9507 | Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature. |
9508 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9509 | Now I lay me down to sleep |
9510 | I pray the double lock will keep; | |
9511 | May no brick through the window break, | |
9512 | And, no one rob me till I awake. | |
3dda02a9 | 9513 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9514 | "Now is the time for all good men to come to." |
9515 | -- Walt Kelly | |
3dda02a9 | 9516 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9517 | Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next |
9518 | time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV | |
9519 | to plug her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for | |
9520 | eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself | |
9521 | the following questions: | |
9522 | ||
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9523 | (1) Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a |
9524 | food? | |
9525 | (2) Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich | |
9526 | exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me? | |
9527 | (3) Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as | |
9528 | prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with | |
9529 | double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living | |
9530 | right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like | |
9531 | longer.) | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9532 | |
9533 | That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick. | |
3dda02a9 | 9534 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9535 | "Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called |
9536 | Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that | |
9537 | were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ..." | |
9538 | -- "The Begatting of a President" | |
3dda02a9 | 9539 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9540 | "Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a |
9541 | smurfette." | |
9542 | -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354 | |
9543 | % | |
9544 | ... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to | |
9545 | get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in | |
9546 | the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs | |
9547 | on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage | |
9548 | children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a | |
9549 | snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn | |
9550 | to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about | |
9551 | a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an | |
9552 | outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does | |
9553 | he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect | |
9554 | Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks | |
9555 | Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some | |
9556 | kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your | |
9557 | children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop | |
9558 | quickly. | |
9559 | -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" | |
9560 | % | |
9561 | Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home | |
9562 | tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. | |
9563 | Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell | |
9564 | plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where | |
9565 | they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of | |
9566 | Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon | |
9567 | administration. In either the hardware or housewares department, | |
9568 | you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and | |
9569 | described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with | |
9570 | interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools | |
9571 | that Americans might use around the home. Buy it. | |
9572 | This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it | |
9573 | inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the | |
9574 | so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off | |
9575 | if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to | |
9576 | direct sunlight. | |
9577 | -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" | |
9578 | % | |
9579 | "Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile." | |
9580 | -- Karl Lehenbauer | |
9581 | % | |
9582 | "Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of | |
9583 | normal routines, for children and adults alike." | |
9584 | -- Willard F. Libby, "You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack" | |
9585 | % | |
9586 | "Nuclear war would really set back cable." | |
9587 | -- Ted Turner | |
9588 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9589 | [Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable. |
9590 | -- Edwin Meese III | |
3dda02a9 | 9591 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 9592 | Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. |
3dda02a9 | 9593 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9594 | (null cookie; hope that's ok) |
9595 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9596 | Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're |
9597 | guessing. | |
3dda02a9 | 9598 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9599 | O give me a home, |
9600 | Where the buffalo roam, | |
9601 | Where the deer and the antelope play, | |
9602 | Where seldom is heard | |
9603 | A discouraging word, | |
9604 | 'Cause what can an antelope say? | |
3dda02a9 | 9605 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9606 | O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law: |
9607 | Murphy was an optimist. | |
3dda02a9 | 9608 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9609 | "Of ______\b\b\b\b\b\bcourse it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a |
9610 | fake?" | |
9611 | % | |
9612 | Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the | |
9613 | reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest | |
9614 | amount of hot air. | |
9615 | -- Thomas L. Martin | |
3dda02a9 | 9616 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9617 | Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. |
9618 | -- Plato | |
3dda02a9 | 9619 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9620 | Of all the words of witch's doom |
9621 | There's none so bad as which and whom. | |
9622 | The man who kills both which and whom | |
9623 | Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom. | |
9624 | -- Fletcher Knebel | |
9625 | % | |
9626 | "Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power | |
9627 | tools aren't soluble in alcohol ..." | |
9628 | -- Crazy Nigel | |
3dda02a9 | 9629 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 9630 | Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy. |
3dda02a9 | 9631 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9632 | Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. |
9633 | And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a | |
9634 | blazer. | |
9635 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9636 | Office Automation, n.: |
9637 | The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone | |
9638 | you would want to talk with over coffee. | |
3dda02a9 | 9639 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9640 | Ogden's Law: |
9641 | The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9642 | up. |
9643 | % | |
9644 | Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo! | |
3dda02a9 | 9645 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9646 | Oh don't the days seem lank and long |
9647 | When all goes right and none goes wrong, | |
9648 | And isn't your life extremely flat | |
9649 | With nothing whatever to grumble at! | |
3dda02a9 | 9650 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9651 | Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay |
9652 | I muck with indices and structs all day | |
9653 | And when it works, I shout hoo-ray | |
9654 | Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay | |
9655 | % | |
9656 | Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd | |
9657 | be irresponsible, too. | |
9658 | -- Lichty & Wagner | |
9659 | % | |
9660 | Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth, | |
9661 | And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings; | |
9662 | Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth | |
9663 | Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things | |
9664 | You have not dreamed of -- | |
9665 | Wheeled and soared and swung | |
9666 | High in the sunlit silence. | |
9667 | Hovering there | |
9668 | I've chased the shouting wind along and flung | |
9669 | My eager craft through footless halls of air. | |
9670 | Up, up along delirious, burning blue | |
9671 | I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace, | |
9672 | Where never lark, or even eagle flew; | |
9673 | And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod | |
9674 | The high untrespassed sanctity of space, | |
9675 | Put out my hand, and touched the face of God. | |
9676 | -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight" | |
9677 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 9678 | Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. |
3dda02a9 | 9679 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9680 | Oh, when I was in love with you, |
9681 | Then I was clean and brave, | |
9682 | And miles around the wonder grew | |
9683 | How well did I behave. | |
9684 | ||
9685 | And now the fancy passes by, | |
9686 | And nothing will remain, | |
9687 | And miles around they'll say that I | |
9688 | Am quite myself again. | |
9689 | -- A. E. Housman | |
3dda02a9 | 9690 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 9691 | Oh, wow! Look at the moon! |
3dda02a9 | 9692 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9693 | "OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard." |
9694 | -- Dr. Joy | |
9695 | % | |
9696 | OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything. | |
9697 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9698 | Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. |
9699 | -- Trotsky | |
3dda02a9 | 9700 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 9701 | Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address. |
3dda02a9 | 9702 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 9703 | Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. |
3dda02a9 | 9704 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9705 | Oliver's Law: |
9706 | Experience is something you don't get until just after you need | |
fcf2a2a2 | 9707 | it. |
3dda02a9 | 9708 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9709 | Omnibiblious, adj.: |
9710 | Indifferent to type of drink. "Oh, you can get me anything. | |
9711 | I'm omnibiblious." | |
9712 | % | |
9713 | OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need four GALLONS of | |
9714 | JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O | |
9715 | as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... or ... I ... um ... | |
9716 | WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES? | |
3dda02a9 | 9717 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9718 | On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: |
9719 | ||
9720 | "This isn't right. This isn't even wrong." | |
9721 | -- Wolfgang Pauli | |
3dda02a9 | 9722 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9723 | On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only |
9724 | nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter | |
9725 | what it does. | |
9726 | -- Will Rogers | |
9727 | % | |
9728 | On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in | |
9729 | receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's | |
9730 | income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than | |
9731 | $283 on the desk before the cashier. | |
9732 | "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That | |
9733 | route never brought in money like this! What happened?" | |
9734 | "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured | |
9735 | business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and | |
9736 | worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!" | |
9737 | % | |
9738 | On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are | |
9739 | created jerks. | |
9740 | -- Avery | |
9741 | % | |
9742 | On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are | |
9743 | created jerks. | |
9744 | -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" | |
9745 | % | |
9746 | On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a | |
9747 | POINT ... | |
9748 | % | |
9749 | On the subject of C program indentation: | |
9750 | ||
9751 | "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be | |
9752 | indented six feet downward and covered with dirt." | |
9753 | -- Blair P. Houghton | |
9754 | % | |
9755 | "On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], `Pray, | |
9756 | Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right | |
9757 | answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of | |
9758 | confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question." | |
9759 | -- Charles Babbage | |
9760 | % | |
9761 | On-line, adj.: | |
9762 | The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a | |
9763 | computer. | |
9764 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9765 | Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were |
9766 | forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. | |
9767 | -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee" | |
3dda02a9 | 9768 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9769 | Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that |
9770 | each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his | |
9771 | choice. | |
9772 | ||
9773 | In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians | |
9774 | called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" | |
9775 | and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People | |
9776 | passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy | |
9777 | Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!" | |
9778 | -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" | |
9779 | % | |
9780 | Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, | |
9781 | Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". | |
9782 | Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your | |
9783 | principals or your mistress". | |
9784 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9785 | Once Law was sitting on the bench |
9786 | And Mercy knelt a-weeping. | |
9787 | "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! | |
9788 | Nor come before me creeping. | |
9789 | Upon you knees if you appear, | |
9790 | 'Tis plain you have no standing here." | |
9791 | ||
9792 | Then Justice came. His Honor cried: | |
9793 | "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!" | |
9794 | "Amica curiae," she replied -- | |
9795 | "Friend of the court, so please you." | |
9796 | "Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door -- | |
9797 | I never saw your face before!" | |
9798 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 9799 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9800 | Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human |
9801 | beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by | |
9802 | side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them | |
9803 | which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the | |
9804 | sky. | |
9805 | -- Rainer Rilke | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9806 | % |
9807 | Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a | |
9808 | great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to | |
9809 | the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of | |
9810 | life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But | |
9811 | one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is | |
9812 | going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I | |
9813 | shall die of boredom." | |
9814 | The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that | |
9815 | current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the | |
9816 | rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!" | |
9817 | But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, | |
9818 | and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. | |
9819 | Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current | |
9820 | lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. | |
9821 | And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, | |
9822 | "See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the | |
9823 | Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current | |
9824 | said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us | |
9825 | free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this | |
9826 | adventure. | |
9827 | But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to | |
9828 | the rocks, making legends of a Saviour. | |
3dda02a9 | 9829 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9830 | Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of |
9831 | us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of | |
9832 | the smaller prime numbers. | |
9833 | ||
9834 | 2: The Odd Prime -- | |
9835 | It's the only even prime, therefore is odd. QED. | |
9836 | 3: The True Prime -- | |
fcf2a2a2 | 9837 | Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true." |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9838 | 31: The Arbitrary Prime -- |
9839 | Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime | |
9840 | in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 | |
9841 | received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the | |
9842 | next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none | |
9843 | at all. | |
9844 | ||
9845 | Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are | |
9846 | derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but | |
9847 | true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers. | |
3dda02a9 | 9848 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9849 | ... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you |
9850 | with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday | |
9851 | shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday | |
9852 | advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a | |
9853 | shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take | |
9854 | them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up. | |
9855 | -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" | |
9856 | % | |
9857 | Once, adv.: | |
9858 | Enough. | |
9859 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
9860 | % | |
9861 | One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least | |
9862 | somebody's listening. | |
9863 | -- Franklin P. Jones | |
9864 | % | |
9865 | "One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative." | |
9866 | ||
9867 | Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this. | |
9868 | The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame. | |
9869 | -- Chuq Von Rospach | |
3dda02a9 | 9870 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 9871 | One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. |
3dda02a9 | 9872 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9873 | One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing |
9874 | how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette. | |
9875 | -- Professor Charles P. Issawi | |
9876 | % | |
9877 | One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell | |
9878 | the truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald | |
9879 | announced, "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to | |
9880 | a question which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The | |
9881 | captain of the guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth | |
9882 | -- the alternative is death by hanging." "I am going," said Nasrudin, | |
9883 | "to be hanged on that gallows." "I don't believe you." "Very well, if | |
9884 | I have told a lie, then hang me!" "But that would make it the truth!" | |
9885 | "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth." | |
9886 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9887 | One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet |
9888 | when well oiled. | |
3dda02a9 | 9889 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9890 | One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they |
9891 | never have to stop and answer the phone. | |
3dda02a9 | 9892 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9893 | One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious. |
9894 | -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848) | |
9895 | % | |
9896 | One learns to itch where one can scratch. | |
9897 | -- Ernest Bramah | |
9898 | % | |
9899 | One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as | |
9900 | one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will | |
9901 | produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to | |
9902 | represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as | |
9903 | many ... | |
9904 | -- Anthony Chevins | |
9905 | % | |
9906 | One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. | |
9907 | % | |
9908 | One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How | |
9909 | will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net, | |
9910 | I'll tell you." | |
9911 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 9912 | One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. |
3dda02a9 | 9913 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9914 | One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible |
9915 | from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at | |
9916 | least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts | |
9917 | are, of course, simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but | |
9918 | when He's good, nobody can touch Him. | |
9919 | -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983 | |
3dda02a9 | 9920 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9921 | One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to |
9922 | do and always a clever thing to say. | |
9923 | -- Will Durant | |
9924 | % | |
9925 | "... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, | |
9926 | lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of | |
9927 | their C programs." | |
9928 | -- Robert Firth | |
9929 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9930 | One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God |
9931 | create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "________\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\bsomebody has to buy | |
9932 | retail." | |
9933 | -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9934 | % |
9935 | One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How | |
9936 | enthusiastic is our support for UNIX? | |
9937 | Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many | |
9938 | years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. | |
9939 | Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple | |
9940 | language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for | |
9941 | students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for | |
9942 | interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of | |
9943 | its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on | |
9944 | VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. | |
9945 | It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will | |
9946 | run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and | |
9947 | will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. | |
9948 | With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and | |
9949 | quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With | |
9950 | VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of | |
9951 | documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the | |
9952 | difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS | |
9953 | is that it's all there. | |
9954 | -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984 | |
3dda02a9 | 9955 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
9956 | One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your |
9957 | seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best | |
9958 | way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who | |
9959 | fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become | |
9960 | disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas. | |
3dda02a9 | 9961 | % |
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9962 | The Seventh Commandments for Technicians |
9963 | Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy | |
9964 | fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in | |
9965 | other ways. | |
9966 | % | |
9967 | The First Commandment for Technicians: | |
9968 | Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged | |
9969 | capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most | |
9970 | untechnician-like manner. | |
9971 | % | |
9972 | One Page Principle: | |
9973 | A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch | |
9974 | paper cannot be understood. | |
9975 | -- Mark Ardis | |
9976 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 9977 | "One planet is all you get." |
3dda02a9 | 9978 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
9979 | One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could |
9980 | manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that | |
9981 | they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's | |
9982 | say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding | |
9983 | study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by | |
9984 | sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, | |
9985 | strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus | |
9986 | rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also | |
9987 | be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr. | |
9988 | Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle | |
9989 | Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save | |
9990 | millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently | |
9991 | support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that | |
9992 | your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members | |
9993 | of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are | |
9994 | already too large to fit on normal aircraft. | |
9995 | -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" | |
9996 | % | |
9997 | One reason why George Washington | |
9998 | Is held in such veneration: | |
9999 | He never blamed his problems | |
10000 | On the former Administration. | |
10001 | -- George O. Ludcke | |
10002 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 10003 | One seldom sees a monument to a committee. |
3dda02a9 | 10004 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10005 | One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh |
10006 | paint. | |
3dda02a9 | 10007 | % |
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10008 | "One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that |
10009 | sometimes you must work under adverse conditions ... like a state of | |
10010 | sheer terror." | |
10011 | -- W. K. Hartmann | |
10012 | % | |
10013 | One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a | |
10014 | new model. | |
10015 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 10016 | One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him. |
3dda02a9 | 10017 | % |
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10018 | One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned |
10019 | at the stake while the votes were being counted. | |
10020 | -- Thomas B. Reed | |
3dda02a9 | 10021 | % |
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10022 | One-Shot Case Study, n.: |
10023 | The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which | |
10024 | it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes | |
10025 | green. | |
3dda02a9 | 10026 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 10027 | Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps. |
3dda02a9 | 10028 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10029 | Only God can make random selections. |
10030 | % | |
10031 | Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to | |
10032 | use the editorial "we." | |
10033 | % | |
10034 | Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer. | |
10035 | % | |
10036 | Optimization hinders evolution. | |
10037 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 10038 | Optimization hinders evolution. |
3dda02a9 | 10039 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10040 | Oregano, n.: |
10041 | The ancient Italian art of pizza folding. | |
10042 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10043 | Oregon, n.: |
10044 | Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday | |
10045 | night. | |
3dda02a9 | 10046 | % |
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10047 | Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry |
10048 | is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. | |
58fe6ef4 | 10049 | -- Mike Adams |
3dda02a9 | 10050 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10051 | Osborn's Law: |
10052 | Variables won't; constants aren't. | |
3dda02a9 | 10053 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10054 | Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your |
10055 | nails. | |
3dda02a9 | 10056 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10057 | Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is |
10058 | they charge fifteen cents for them. | |
3dda02a9 | 10059 | % |
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10060 | Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the |
10061 | office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we | |
10062 | were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of | |
10063 | juice. But only *_\b_\bhe* had a lollipop. | |
10064 | ||
10065 | He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?" | |
10066 | ||
10067 | Her reply: | |
10068 | ||
10069 | "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it | |
10070 | means to be a programmer." | |
10071 | % | |
10072 | Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name. | |
10073 | Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, | |
10074 | In kernel as it is in user! | |
10075 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10076 | Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. |
10077 | -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries | |
3dda02a9 | 10078 | % |
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10079 | ... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce |
10080 | Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One | |
10081 | thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If | |
10082 | somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it | |
10083 | on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what | |
10084 | a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself. | |
10085 | -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!" | |
10086 | % | |
10087 | "Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it." | |
10088 | -- Alex Schure | |
10089 | % | |
10090 | "Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it." | |
10091 | -- Alex Schure | |
10092 | % | |
10093 | Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. | |
10094 | -- General Omar N. Bradley | |
10095 | % | |
10096 | OUTCONERR | |
10097 | Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes | |
10098 | Did logzerneg the ifthen block | |
10099 | All kludgy were the function flows | |
10100 | And subroutines adhoc. | |
10101 | ||
10102 | Beware the runtime-bug my friend | |
10103 | squrooneg, the false goto | |
10104 | Beware the infiniteloop | |
10105 | And shun the inprectoo. | |
10106 | % | |
10107 | "Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog, | |
10108 | it's too dark to read." | |
10109 | -- Groucho Marx | |
10110 | % | |
10111 | Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now | |
10112 | I can remember things that *have* happened before ... | |
10113 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 10114 | Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! |
3dda02a9 | 10115 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 10116 | Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket. |
3dda02a9 | 10117 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 10118 | Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated. |
3dda02a9 | 10119 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 10120 | Ozman's Laws: |
fcf2a2a2 | 10121 | (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he |
58fe6ef4 | 10122 | won't. |
fcf2a2a2 | 10123 | (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they |
58fe6ef4 | 10124 | make. |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10125 | (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. |
10126 | (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. | |
3dda02a9 | 10127 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10128 | Painting, n.: |
10129 | The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and | |
10130 | exposing them to the critic. | |
10131 | -- Ambrose Bierce | |
3dda02a9 | 10132 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 10133 | panic: can't find / |
3dda02a9 | 10134 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10135 | panic: kernel trap (ignored) |
10136 | % | |
10137 | Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much | |
10138 | better. | |
10139 | -- Laurie Anderson | |
10140 | % | |
10141 | Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them. | |
3dda02a9 | 10142 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 10143 | Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life. |
3dda02a9 | 10144 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10145 | Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one. |
10146 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10147 | Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to |
10148 | criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. | |
10149 | -- D. J. Hicks | |
3dda02a9 | 10150 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 10151 | Pardo's First Postulate: |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10152 | Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or |
10153 | fattening. | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10154 | |
10155 | Arnold's Addendum: | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10156 | Everything else causes cancer in rats. |
10157 | % | |
10158 | Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction. | |
3dda02a9 | 10159 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10160 | Parker's Law: |
10161 | Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. | |
3dda02a9 | 10162 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10163 | Parkinson's Fifth Law: |
10164 | If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good | |
fcf2a2a2 | 10165 | bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. |
3dda02a9 | 10166 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10167 | Parkinson's Fourth Law: |
10168 | The number of people in any working group tends to increase | |
fcf2a2a2 | 10169 | regardless of the amount of work to be done. |
3dda02a9 | 10170 | % |
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10171 | Parsley |
10172 | is gharsley. | |
10173 | -- Ogden Nash | |
3dda02a9 | 10174 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 10175 | Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. |
3dda02a9 | 10176 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10177 | "Pascal is not a high-level language." |
10178 | -- Steven Feiner | |
3dda02a9 | 10179 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10180 | "Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat." |
10181 | -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340 | |
10182 | % | |
10183 | Pascal Users: | |
10184 | To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the | |
10185 | death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed. | |
10186 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10187 | Pascal, n.: |
10188 | A programming language named after a man who would turn over in | |
10189 | his grave if he knew about it. | |
3dda02a9 | 10190 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10191 | Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. |
10192 | -- Eric Hoffer | |
3dda02a9 | 10193 | % |
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10194 | Patageometry, n.: |
10195 | The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant | |
10196 | under brain transplants. | |
10197 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 10198 | Paul Revere was a tattle-tale |
3dda02a9 | 10199 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10200 | Paul's Law: |
10201 | In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you | |
fcf2a2a2 | 10202 | save. |
3dda02a9 | 10203 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10204 | Paul's Law: |
10205 | You can't fall off the floor. | |
3dda02a9 | 10206 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10207 | Peace, n.: |
10208 | In international affairs, a period of cheating between two | |
10209 | periods of fighting. | |
10210 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 10211 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10212 | Peanut Blossoms |
10213 | ||
10214 | 4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk | |
10215 | 4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla | |
10216 | 4 cups shortening 14 cups flour | |
10217 | 8 eggs 4 tsp. soda | |
10218 | 4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt | |
10219 | ||
10220 | Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie | |
10221 | sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a | |
10222 | Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a | |
10223 | hell of a lot. | |
3dda02a9 | 10224 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10225 | Pecor's Health-Food Principle: |
10226 | Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10227 | it. |
10228 | % | |
10229 | Pedaeration, n.: | |
10230 | The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the | |
10231 | sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed. | |
10232 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" | |
10233 | % | |
10234 | Penguin Trivia #46: | |
10235 | Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were. | |
10236 | -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 | |
10237 | % | |
10238 | People need good lies. There are too many bad ones. | |
10239 | -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. | |
3dda02a9 | 10240 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10241 | People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of |
10242 | the future. | |
3dda02a9 | 10243 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10244 | "People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense." |
10245 | -- Ken Kesey | |
10246 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 10247 | People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed. |
3dda02a9 | 10248 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10249 | People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better |
10250 | press than people who are just funny and smart. | |
10251 | -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post" | |
10252 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10253 | People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never |
10254 | slept in a room with a single mosquito. | |
3dda02a9 | 10255 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10256 | People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who |
10257 | haven't what they want that they don't want it. | |
10258 | -- Ogden Nash | |
3dda02a9 | 10259 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10260 | People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that |
10261 | Benjamin Franklin said it first. | |
3dda02a9 | 10262 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 10263 | People will buy anything that's one to a customer. |
3dda02a9 | 10264 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10265 | People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they |
10266 | did yesterday. | |
10267 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10268 | Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. |
10269 | "Confound those who have said our remarks before us." | |
10270 | -- Aelius Donatus | |
3dda02a9 | 10271 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 10272 | Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things. |
3dda02a9 | 10273 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10274 | Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but |
10275 | when there is no longer anything to take away. | |
10276 | -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery | |
10277 | % | |
10278 | Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! | |
10279 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10280 | Peter's Law of Substitution: |
10281 | Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after | |
fcf2a2a2 | 10282 | themselves. |
3dda02a9 | 10283 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 10284 | Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to |
fcf2a2a2 | 10285 | exciting Camden, New Jersey. |
3dda02a9 | 10286 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 10287 | Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny. |
3dda02a9 | 10288 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10289 | Philosophy will clip an angel's wings. |
10290 | -- John Keats | |
10291 | % | |
10292 | Pick another fortune cookie. | |
10293 | % | |
10294 | "Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional | |
10295 | hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational | |
10296 | sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ..." | |
10297 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10298 | Pig, n.: |
10299 | An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race | |
10300 | by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is | |
10301 | inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. | |
10302 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 10303 | % |
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10304 | PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) |
10305 | You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being | |
10306 | followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your | |
10307 | associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack | |
10308 | confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible | |
10309 | things to small animals. | |
10310 | % | |
10311 | PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20) | |
10312 | Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the | |
10313 | American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as | |
10314 | nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will | |
10315 | probably get run over by a bus. | |
10316 | % | |
10317 | Pittsburgh Driver's Test | |
10318 | ||
10319 | (7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light | |
10320 | but a steady left tail light. This means | |
10321 | ||
10322 | (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn | |
10323 | to call the problem to the driver's attention. | |
10324 | (b) the driver is signaling a right turn. | |
10325 | (c) the driver is signaling a left turn. | |
10326 | (d) the driver is from out of town. | |
10327 | ||
10328 | The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign | |
10329 | countries to signal turns. | |
10330 | % | |
10331 | Pittsburgh Driver's Test | |
10332 | ||
10333 | (8) Pedestrians are | |
10334 | ||
10335 | (a) irrelevant. | |
10336 | (b) communists. | |
10337 | (c) a nuisance. | |
10338 | (d) difficult to clean off the front grille. | |
10339 | ||
10340 | The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are | |
10341 | totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely. | |
10342 | % | |
10343 | Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. | |
10344 | -- Don Marquis | |
10345 | % | |
10346 | PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more to the problem set than to the | |
10347 | solution set. | |
10348 | -- E. W. Dijkstra | |
10349 | % | |
10350 | "Plaese porrf raed." | |
10351 | -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase | |
10352 | % | |
10353 | Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia | |
10354 | because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers | |
10355 | couldn't compete successfully with poets. | |
10356 | -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half | |
10357 | Shell" | |
10358 | % | |
10359 | Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill | |
10360 | them. | |
10361 | % | |
10362 | Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic | |
10363 | table. | |
10364 | -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" | |
10365 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 10366 | Please ignore previous fortune. |
3dda02a9 | 10367 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 10368 | Please take note: |
3dda02a9 | 10369 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10370 | Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" |
10371 | until you are told that those rooms are "punched out". Once punched | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10372 | out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, |
10373 | and such. | |
10374 | -- N. Meyrowitz | |
3dda02a9 | 10375 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 10376 | Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means? |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10377 | % |
10378 | Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, | |
10379 | requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm | |
10380 | into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing | |
10381 | problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the | |
10382 | radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how | |
10383 | plumbing works. | |
10384 | A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system, | |
10385 | except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires, | |
10386 | it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets | |
10387 | and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at | |
10388 | all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can | |
10389 | kill you. | |
10390 | -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" | |
10391 | % | |
10392 | PLUNDERER'S THEME | |
10393 | (to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius) | |
10394 | ||
10395 | Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. | |
10396 | If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation. | |
10397 | Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations. | |
10398 | Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. | |
3dda02a9 | 10399 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10400 | Pohl's law: |
10401 | Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. | |
3dda02a9 | 10402 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10403 | Police: Good evening, are you the host? |
10404 | Host: No. | |
10405 | Police: We've been getting complaints about this party. | |
10406 | Host: About the drugs? | |
10407 | Police: No. | |
10408 | Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns? | |
10409 | Police: No, the noise. | |
10410 | Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns | |
10411 | or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the | |
10412 | background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? | |
10413 | The neighbors? | |
10414 | Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent | |
10415 | complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could | |
10416 | ask the host to quiet things down? | |
10417 | Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive | |
10418 | religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living | |
10419 | room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the | |
10420 | lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out | |
10421 | onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind | |
10422 | down. | |
3dda02a9 | 10423 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10424 | Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell |
10425 | all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. | |
3dda02a9 | 10426 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10427 | Politician, n.: |
10428 | An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of | |
10429 | organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the | |
10430 | agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared | |
10431 | with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive. | |
10432 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
10433 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10434 | Politician, n.: |
10435 | From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or | |
10436 | "face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence | |
10437 | "polytetien", a person of two or more faces. | |
10438 | -- Martin Pitt | |
3dda02a9 | 10439 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10440 | Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even |
10441 | where there is no river. | |
10442 | -- Nikita Khrushchev | |
10443 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10444 | Politics is like coaching a football team. you have to be smart enough |
10445 | to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest. | |
3dda02a9 | 10446 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 10447 | Polymer physicists are into chains. |
3dda02a9 | 10448 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10449 | Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the |
10450 | Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The | |
10451 | white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before | |
10452 | it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his | |
10453 | name had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with | |
10454 | laughter, singing | |
10455 | Half a pound of tuppenny rice | |
10456 | Half a pound of treacle | |
10457 | That's the way the chimney smokes | |
10458 | Pope Goestheveezl | |
10459 | The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of | |
10460 | laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for | |
10461 | hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron | |
10462 | Hans Neizant B"\bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of K"\boln in 1653. | |
10463 | -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" | |
3dda02a9 | 10464 | % |
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10465 | Portable, adj.: |
10466 | Survives system reboot. | |
10467 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10468 | Positive, adj.: |
10469 | Mistaken at the top of one's voice. | |
10470 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 10471 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10472 | Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth. |
10473 | % | |
10474 | "Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat" | |
10475 | -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987 | |
10476 | % | |
10477 | Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically. | |
10478 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10479 | Power, n: |
10480 | The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA. | |
3dda02a9 | 10481 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10482 | Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little |
10483 | more time for dreaming. | |
10484 | -- J. P. McEvoy | |
3dda02a9 | 10485 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 10486 | Predestination was doomed from the start. |
3dda02a9 | 10487 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10488 | President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and |
10489 | forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax. | |
3dda02a9 | 10490 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10491 | President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the |
10492 | vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting. | |
10493 | -- The Washington Post | |
3dda02a9 | 10494 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 10495 | Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist! |
3dda02a9 | 10496 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10497 | Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: |
10498 | It's on the other side. | |
3dda02a9 | 10499 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10500 | [Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves |
10501 | to see him work. | |
10502 | -- Winston Churchill | |
3dda02a9 | 10503 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 10504 | Pro is to con as progress is to Congress. |
3dda02a9 | 10505 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10506 | Probable-Possible, my black hen, |
10507 | She lays eggs in the Relative When. | |
10508 | She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now | |
10509 | Because she's unable to postulate how. | |
10510 | -- Frederick Winsor | |
3dda02a9 | 10511 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10512 | Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have |
10513 | orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which | |
10514 | is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime. | |
10515 | -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every | |
10516 | Teen Should Know" | |
10517 | % | |
10518 | Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data | |
10519 | encryption standard and they came up with ... | |
10520 | Student: EBCDIC!" | |
10521 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 10522 | Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem. |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10523 | Eng. 130 midterm. Once again no student received a single point on |
10524 | his exam. Newell has now tossed five shutouts this quarter. Newell's | |
58fe6ef4 | 10525 | earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30% |
3dda02a9 | 10526 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10527 | Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction. |
10528 | ||
10529 | This technique is used on equations with "_\bn" in them. Induction | |
10530 | techniques are very popular, even the military used them. | |
10531 | ||
10532 | SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction. | |
10533 | ||
10534 | We know it's true for _\bn equal to 1. Now assume that it's true | |
10535 | for every natural number less than _\bn. _\bN is arbitrary, so we can take _\bn | |
10536 | as large as we want. If _\bn is sufficiently large, the case of _\bn+1 is | |
10537 | trivially equivalent, so the only important _\bn are _\bn less than _\bn. We | |
10538 | can take _\bn = _\bn (from above), so it's true for _\bn+1 because it's just | |
10539 | about _\bn. | |
10540 | QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?") | |
3dda02a9 | 10541 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10542 | Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity. |
10543 | SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs. | |
10544 | (1) Horses have an even number of legs. | |
10545 | (2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front. | |
10546 | (3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of | |
10547 | legs for a horse. | |
10548 | (4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. | |
10549 | (5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs. | |
10550 | ||
10551 | Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by: | |
10552 | Intimidation | |
10553 | Gesticulation (handwaving) | |
10554 | "Try it; it works" | |
10555 | Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...) | |
10556 | Blatant assertion | |
10557 | Changing all the 2's to _\bn's | |
10558 | Mutual consent | |
10559 | Lack of a counterexample, and | |
10560 | "It stands to reason" | |
3dda02a9 | 10561 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10562 | Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: |
10563 | ||
10564 | BBW Branch Both Ways | |
10565 | BEW Branch Either Way | |
10566 | BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full | |
10567 | BH Branch and Hang | |
10568 | BMR Branch Multiple Registers | |
10569 | BOB Branch On Bug | |
10570 | BPO Branch on Power Off | |
10571 | BST Backspace and Stretch Tape | |
10572 | CDS Condense and Destroy System | |
10573 | CLBR Clobber Register | |
10574 | CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately | |
10575 | CM Circulate Memory | |
10576 | CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming | |
10577 | CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip | |
10578 | CRN Convert to Roman Numerals | |
10579 | % | |
10580 | Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: | |
10581 | ||
10582 | DC Divide and Conquer | |
10583 | DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key | |
10584 | DO Divide and Overflow | |
10585 | EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator | |
10586 | EPI Execute Programmer Immediately | |
10587 | EROS Erase Read Only Storage | |
10588 | EXCE Execute Customer Engineer | |
10589 | HCF Halt and Catch Fire | |
10590 | IBP Insert Bug and Proceed | |
10591 | INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out]) | |
10592 | PBC Print and Break Chain | |
10593 | PDSK Punch Disk | |
10594 | % | |
10595 | Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: | |
10596 | ||
10597 | PI Punch Invalid | |
10598 | POPI Punch Operator Immediately | |
10599 | PVLC Punch Variable Length Card | |
10600 | RASC Read And Shred Card | |
10601 | RPM Read Programmers Mind | |
10602 | RSSC reduce speed, step carefully (for improved accuracy) | |
10603 | RTAB Rewind tape and break | |
10604 | RWDSK rewind disk | |
10605 | RWOC Read Writing On Card | |
10606 | SCRBL scribble to disk - faster than a write | |
10607 | SLC Search for Lost Chord | |
10608 | SPSW Scramble Program Status Word | |
10609 | SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk | |
10610 | STROM Store in Read Only Memory | |
10611 | TDB Transfer and Drop Bit | |
10612 | WBT Water Binary Tree | |
10613 | % | |
10614 | "Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller | |
10615 | than the both put together." | |
10616 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 10617 | Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10618 | three friends. If they're OK, you're it. |
10619 | % | |
10620 | Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well | |
10621 | anyhow and is certainly a damn fool. | |
10622 | -- H. L. Mencken | |
10623 | % | |
10624 | Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves | |
10625 | to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way | |
10626 | to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the | |
10627 | cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in | |
10628 | fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a | |
10629 | lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of | |
10630 | the first day even if they have plenty of food and water. | |
10631 | -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" | |
10632 | % | |
10633 | Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen. | |
10634 | % | |
10635 | Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen. | |
10636 | % | |
10637 | Pushing 40 is exercise enough. | |
10638 | % | |
10639 | Put no trust in cryptic comments. | |
3dda02a9 | 10640 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10641 | Put your Nose to the Grindstone! |
10642 | -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd. | |
3dda02a9 | 10643 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10644 | Putt's Law: |
10645 | Technology is dominated by two types of people: | |
10646 | Those who understand what they do not manage. | |
10647 | Those who manage what they do not understand. | |
3dda02a9 | 10648 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10649 | Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? |
10650 | A: One per person. | |
3dda02a9 | 10651 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10652 | Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence? |
10653 | A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence. | |
3dda02a9 | 10654 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10655 | Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat ? |
10656 | A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. | |
3dda02a9 | 10657 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10658 | Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat? |
10659 | A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. | |
58fe6ef4 | 10660 | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10661 | Q: How long does it take? |
10662 | A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've | |
10663 | brought with them. | |
58fe6ef4 | 10664 | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10665 | Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? |
10666 | A: They replace your generator. | |
3dda02a9 | 10667 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10668 | Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? |
10669 | A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb | |
10670 | itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective | |
10671 | reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a | |
10672 | maudlin cosmos of nothingness. | |
3dda02a9 | 10673 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10674 | Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb |
10675 | in San Francisco? | |
10676 | A: Both of them. | |
3dda02a9 | 10677 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10678 | Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift? |
10679 | A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. | |
3dda02a9 | 10680 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10681 | Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job? |
10682 | A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. | |
3dda02a9 | 10683 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10684 | Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? |
10685 | A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, | |
10686 | Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of | |
10687 | the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% | |
10688 | of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences | |
10689 | of non-blank characters separated by blanks". | |
3dda02a9 | 10690 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10691 | Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? |
10692 | A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring | |
10693 | light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government | |
10694 | plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer | |
10695 | prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb | |
10696 | assassin to break the bulb in the first place. | |
3dda02a9 | 10697 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10698 | Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? |
10699 | A: One and a half. | |
3dda02a9 | 10700 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10701 | Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? |
10702 | A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem | |
10703 | to the earlier joke. | |
3dda02a9 | 10704 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10705 | Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? |
10706 | A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those | |
10707 | Californians trying to share the experience. | |
3dda02a9 | 10708 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10709 | Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? |
10710 | A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub | |
10711 | with brightly colored machine tools. | |
10712 | % | |
10713 | Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? | |
10714 | A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out | |
10715 | of the way. | |
10716 | % | |
10717 | Q: What's a light-year? | |
10718 | A: One-third less calories than a regular year. | |
10719 | % | |
10720 | Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? | |
10721 | A: Because it was on the other side. | |
10722 | % | |
10723 | Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? | |
10724 | A: To stamp out forest fires. | |
10725 | ||
10726 | Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? | |
10727 | A: To stamp out flaming ducks. | |
10728 | % | |
10729 | Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? | |
10730 | A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. | |
10731 | % | |
10732 | Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. What | |
10733 | should I do? | |
10734 | ||
10735 | A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on | |
10736 | believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably be | |
10737 | the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. No | |
10738 | time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if | |
10739 | somebody else has made the correction. | |
10740 | ||
10741 | And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're | |
10742 | the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have | |
10743 | to inform the whole net right away! | |
10744 | ||
10745 | -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions | |
10746 | on Netiquette" | |
3dda02a9 | 10747 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10748 | Quality Control, n.: |
10749 | The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off | |
10750 | a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works. | |
3dda02a9 | 10751 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10752 | Question: |
10753 | Man Invented Alcohol, | |
10754 | God Invented Grass. | |
10755 | Who do you trust? | |
3dda02a9 | 10756 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 10757 | Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! |
3dda02a9 | 10758 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 10759 | Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!! |
3dda02a9 | 10760 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10761 | Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. |
10762 | ||
10763 | (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.) | |
3dda02a9 | 10764 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10765 | Quigley's Law: |
10766 | Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will | |
10767 | atttempt to use it. | |
10768 | % | |
10769 | QUOTE OF THE DAY: | |
10770 | ||
10771 | ` | |
10772 | ||
10773 | % | |
10774 | "Qvid me anxivs svm?" | |
10775 | % | |
10776 | QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]: | |
10777 | 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 | |
10778 | kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [colloq.] one | |
10779 | thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [anat.] a | |
10780 | painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [slang] | |
10781 | person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert. | |
10782 | -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed. | |
3dda02a9 | 10783 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 10784 | Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. |
3dda02a9 | 10785 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10786 | Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something |
10787 | I saw at the airport ... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of | |
10788 | computer magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport | |
fcf2a2a2 | 10789 | store. Does it bother anyone else that half the world is being told |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10790 | all of our hard-won secrets of computer technology? Remember how all |
10791 | the lawyers cried foul when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are | |
10792 | they taking no-fault insurance lying down? No way! But at the current | |
10793 | rate it won't be long before there are stacks of the "Transactions on | |
10794 | Information Theory" at the A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be | |
10795 | impressed with us electrical engineers then? Are we, as the saying | |
10796 | goes, giving away the store? | |
10797 | -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President | |
3dda02a9 | 10798 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10799 | Ray's Rule of Precision: |
10800 | Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. | |
3dda02a9 | 10801 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10802 | Razors pain you; |
10803 | Rivers are damp; | |
10804 | Acids stain you; | |
10805 | And drugs cause cramp. | |
10806 | Guns aren't lawful; | |
10807 | Nooses give; | |
10808 | Gas smells awful; | |
10809 | You might as well live. | |
10810 | -- Dorothy Parker | |
3dda02a9 | 10811 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10812 | Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe |
10813 | the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described | |
10814 | with pictures. | |
3dda02a9 | 10815 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10816 | Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of |
10817 | Congress. But I repeat myself. | |
10818 | -- Mark Twain | |
10819 | % | |
10820 | Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic | |
10821 | value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is | |
10822 | much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice | |
10823 | this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA. | |
10824 | % | |
10825 | Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware | |
10826 | has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing | |
10827 | machines are so poor at I/O. | |
10828 | % | |
10829 | Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are | |
10830 | so long they can't afford the disk space. | |
10831 | % | |
10832 | Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write | |
10833 | in anything less portable than a number two pencil. | |
10834 | % | |
10835 | Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker | |
10836 | with `programming systems', but those are so high level that they | |
10837 | hardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for | |
10838 | applications.) | |
10839 | % | |
10840 | Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run | |
10841 | on future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo | |
10842 | sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet. | |
10843 | % | |
10844 | Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured | |
10845 | programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet- | |
10846 | trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise | |
10847 | clear desks. | |
10848 | % | |
10849 | Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine | |
10850 | doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell | |
10851 | quiche. | |
10852 | % | |
10853 | Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it | |
10854 | should be hard to understand. | |
10855 | % | |
10856 | Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the | |
10857 | illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how | |
10858 | much good it did them. | |
10859 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10860 | Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires |
10861 | you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers | |
10862 | wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly | |
10863 | spring up in the middle of the machine room. | |
3dda02a9 | 10864 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10865 | Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write |
10866 | in BASIC after reaching puberty. | |
10867 | % | |
10868 | Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress | |
10869 | freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who | |
10870 | wear white socks. | |
10871 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10872 | Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who |
10873 | can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. | |
3dda02a9 | 10874 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 10875 | Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue. |
3dda02a9 | 10876 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10877 | Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use |
10878 | functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them? | |
3dda02a9 | 10879 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10880 | Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. |
10881 | This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a | |
10882 | computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package. | |
10883 | % | |
10884 | Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and | |
10885 | greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any | |
10886 | moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that | |
10887 | systems could be virtual at *___\b\b\ball* levels. They would like personal | |
10888 | computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your | |
10889 | DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their | |
10890 | Correctness Verification Aid packages. | |
10891 | % | |
10892 | Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the | |
10893 | job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like | |
10894 | using an undocumented external procedure. | |
10895 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10896 | Real Time, adj.: |
10897 | Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there | |
10898 | and then. | |
3dda02a9 | 10899 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10900 | Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never |
10901 | afraid to break your face. | |
10902 | % | |
10903 | Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts | |
10904 | down the system for days. | |
10905 | % | |
10906 | Real Users hate Real Programmers. | |
10907 | % | |
10908 | Real Users know your home telephone number. | |
10909 | % | |
10910 | Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your | |
10911 | program doesn't deliver it. | |
10912 | % | |
10913 | Real Users never use the Help key. | |
10914 | % | |
10915 | Real World, The n.: | |
10916 | 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may | |
10917 | be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To | |
10918 | programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related | |
10919 | to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and | |
10920 | tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 4. | |
10921 | The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university. | |
10922 | "Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used | |
10923 | pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking | |
10924 | of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a | |
10925 | deceased person. | |
10926 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 10927 | Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs. |
3dda02a9 | 10928 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 10929 | Reality is an obstacle to hallucination. |
3dda02a9 | 10930 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10931 | Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth? |
10932 | -- Patrick Sky | |
10933 | % | |
10934 | Reality is for people who lack imagination. | |
10935 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 10936 | Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction. |
3dda02a9 | 10937 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10938 | Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity. |
10939 | -- Alvy Ray Smith | |
10940 | % | |
10941 | "Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go | |
10942 | away". | |
10943 | -- Philip K. Dick | |
10944 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 10945 | "Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!" |
3dda02a9 | 10946 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10947 | Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than |
10948 | being flat broke and having a stomach ache. | |
10949 | -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" | |
3dda02a9 | 10950 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10951 | Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you |
10952 | lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10953 | but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and |
10954 | Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 | |
10955 | recessions. | |
3dda02a9 | 10956 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10957 | Reclaimer, spare that tree! |
10958 | Take not a single bit! | |
10959 | It used to point to me, | |
10960 | Now I'm protecting it. | |
10961 | It was the reader's CONS | |
10962 | That made it, paired by dot; | |
10963 | Now, GC, for the nonce, | |
10964 | Thou shalt reclaim it not. | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10965 | % |
10966 | "Reflections on Ice-Breaking" | |
10967 | Candy | |
10968 | Is dandy | |
10969 | But liquor | |
10970 | Is quicker. | |
10971 | -- Ogden Nash | |
3dda02a9 | 10972 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10973 | "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the universe |
10974 | again ..." An unusually long pause followed, "... but I don't know | |
10975 | which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A | |
10976 | spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the | |
10977 | starfield surrounding the ship. | |
10978 | ||
10979 | "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," ZORAC | |
10980 | announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but they | |
10981 | are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have been | |
10982 | intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and | |
10983 | transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. | |
10984 | Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious." | |
10985 | -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star" | |
3dda02a9 | 10986 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10987 | Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: |
10988 | If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it. | |
3dda02a9 | 10989 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10990 | Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin. |
10991 | -- Anatole France | |
3dda02a9 | 10992 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10993 | "Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used |
10994 | it." | |
10995 | -- Dave Barry | |
3dda02a9 | 10996 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
10997 | Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be |
10998 | worse in Cleveland. | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
10999 | -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" |
11000 | % | |
11001 | Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good | |
11002 | offense! | |
11003 | % | |
11004 | Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat. | |
11005 | % | |
11006 | Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. | |
11007 | % | |
11008 | Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. | |
11009 | -- Dave Butler | |
11010 | % | |
11011 | Renning's Maxim: | |
11012 | Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying. | |
11013 | % | |
11014 | Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western | |
11015 | Civilization? | |
11016 | Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. | |
3dda02a9 | 11017 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11018 | Reporter, n.: |
11019 | A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a | |
11020 | tempest of words. | |
11021 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 11022 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11023 | REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system? |
11024 | ||
11025 | SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that | |
11026 | the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can | |
11027 | carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away." | |
11028 | I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind | |
11029 | of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to | |
11030 | do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of | |
11031 | ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we | |
11032 | need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political | |
11033 | career be being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but | |
11034 | that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I | |
11035 | can't help it. | |
11036 | -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" | |
3dda02a9 | 11037 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11038 | Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. |
11039 | -- Wernher von Braun | |
3dda02a9 | 11040 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11041 | Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get |
11042 | another chance later on. | |
3dda02a9 | 11043 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11044 | Review Questions |
11045 | ||
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11046 | (1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH, |
11047 | and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before | |
11048 | he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the | |
11049 | Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship? | |
58fe6ef4 | 11050 | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11051 | (2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks |
11052 | twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks | |
11053 | every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off | |
11054 | his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week? | |
58fe6ef4 | 11055 | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11056 | (3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers |
11057 | the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a | |
11058 | pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King | |
11059 | Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice? | |
3dda02a9 | 11060 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11061 | Rhode's Law: |
11062 | When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11063 | circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, |
11064 | empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, | |
11065 | induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always | |
11066 | for the purpose of convenience, expediency, political advantage, | |
11067 | material gain, or personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or | |
11068 | none of the above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, | |
11069 | proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, | |
11070 | universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it | |
11071 | becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe. | |
11072 | % | |
11073 | "Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time." | |
11074 | -- Steven Wright | |
3dda02a9 | 11075 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11076 | Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention |
11077 | Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will | |
11078 | reject the proposal. | |
3dda02a9 | 11079 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11080 | Romeo wasn't bilked in a day. |
11081 | -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With | |
11082 | Pogo" | |
11083 | % | |
11084 | ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. | |
11085 | MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church- | |
11086 | door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve. | |
11087 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 11088 | Rudin's Law: |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11089 | If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it |
11090 | every time. | |
3dda02a9 | 11091 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11092 | Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London: |
11093 | Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11094 | be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person |
11095 | shall be deemed to be a cat. | |
3dda02a9 | 11096 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 11097 | Rule of Creative Research: |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11098 | (1) Never draw what you can copy. |
11099 | (2) Never copy what you can trace. | |
11100 | (3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. | |
3dda02a9 | 11101 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11102 | Rule of Defactualization: |
11103 | Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. | |
3dda02a9 | 11104 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11105 | Rule of Feline Frustration: |
11106 | When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly | |
fcf2a2a2 | 11107 | content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom. |
3dda02a9 | 11108 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11109 | Rule of the Great: |
11110 | When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11111 | thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. |
11112 | % | |
11113 | Rules for Academic Deans: | |
11114 | (1) HIDE!!!! | |
11115 | (2) If they find you, LIE!!!! | |
11116 | -- Father Damian C. Fandal | |
3dda02a9 | 11117 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 11118 | Rules for driving in New York: |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11119 | (1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal. |
11120 | (2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers | |
11121 | on. | |
11122 | (3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the | |
11123 | intersection. | |
3dda02a9 | 11124 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11125 | RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED |
11126 | (1) Never eat on an empty stomach. | |
11127 | (2) Never leave the table hungry. | |
11128 | (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry. | |
11129 | (4) Enjoy your food. | |
11130 | (5) Enjoy your companion's food. | |
11131 | (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to | |
11132 | accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned. | |
11133 | (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, | |
11134 | for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a | |
11135 | brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks? | |
11136 | (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal. | |
11137 | (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You | |
11138 | can always eat it later. | |
11139 | (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap. | |
11140 | (11) Avoid blue food. | |
11141 | -- Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet" | |
3dda02a9 | 11142 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11143 | Rules: |
11144 | (1) The boss is always right. | |
11145 | (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1. | |
3dda02a9 | 11146 | % |
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11147 | Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence |
11148 | Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead. | |
11149 | ||
11150 | (1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs, | |
11151 | ants. | |
11152 | (2) Something is missing in your personal relationships. | |
11153 | (3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate. | |
11154 | (4) You have a hard time getting a waiter. | |
11155 | (5) Exotic birds flock around you. | |
11156 | (6) People ignore you at parties. | |
11157 | (7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning. | |
11158 | (8) You no longer get off on cocaine. | |
3dda02a9 | 11159 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11160 | Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence |
11161 | (1) Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear | |
11162 | bomb; use the stairs. | |
11163 | (2) When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit | |
11164 | the ground. | |
11165 | (3) If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials. | |
11166 | (4) Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to | |
11167 | psychological problems. | |
11168 | (5) Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to | |
11169 | recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed | |
11170 | potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. | |
11171 | (6) Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs | |
11172 | will be scarce in the post-nuclear age. | |
11173 | (7) Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles. | |
11174 | (8) Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be | |
11175 | staggering illegally. | |
11176 | (9) Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more | |
11177 | sanitary due to limited circulation. | |
11178 | (10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on | |
11179 | D-Day. | |
11180 | % | |
11181 | SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) | |
11182 | You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless | |
11183 | tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority | |
11184 | of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People | |
11185 | laugh at you a great deal. | |
3dda02a9 | 11186 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11187 | San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. |
11188 | -- Herb Caen | |
3dda02a9 | 11189 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11190 | San Francisco, n.: |
11191 | Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse. | |
3dda02a9 | 11192 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11193 | Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind. |
11194 | -- Mark Harrold | |
11195 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11196 | Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, |
11197 | He must be a communist. | |
11198 | And a beard and long hair, | |
11199 | Must be a pacifist. | |
11200 | ||
11201 | What's in that pipe that he's smoking? | |
11202 | -- Arlo Guthrie | |
3dda02a9 | 11203 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11204 | Satellite Safety Tip #14: |
11205 | If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck. | |
3dda02a9 | 11206 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11207 | Sattinger's Law: |
11208 | It works better if you plug it in. | |
3dda02a9 | 11209 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11210 | Saturday night in Toledo Ohio, |
11211 | Is like being nowhere at all, | |
11212 | All through the day how the hours rush by, | |
11213 | You sit in the park and you watch the grass die. | |
11214 | -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio" | |
3dda02a9 | 11215 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11216 | Sauron is alive in Argentina! |
11217 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 11218 | Save energy: be apathetic. |
3dda02a9 | 11219 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11220 | Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda. |
11221 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 11222 | Save the whales. Collect the whole set. |
3dda02a9 | 11223 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11224 | "Saw a sign on a restaurant that said Breakfast, any time -- so I |
11225 | ordered French Toast in the Renaissance. | |
11226 | -- Steven Wright | |
11227 | % | |
11228 | SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! | |
11229 | -- Ken Thompson | |
11230 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11231 | Schapiro's Explanation: |
11232 | The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's | |
fcf2a2a2 | 11233 | because they use more manure. |
3dda02a9 | 11234 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 11235 | Schizophrenia beats being alone. |
3dda02a9 | 11236 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11237 | Schlattwhapper, n.: |
11238 | The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down, | |
11239 | hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face. | |
11240 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" | |
11241 | % | |
11242 | Schnuffel, n.: | |
11243 | A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in | |
11244 | mixed company. | |
11245 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" | |
11246 | % | |
11247 | Schwiggle, n.: | |
11248 | The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a | |
11249 | pencil. | |
11250 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" | |
11251 | % | |
11252 | Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made | |
11253 | of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts | |
11254 | is not necessarily science. | |
11255 | -- Henri Poincair'\be | |
11256 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 11257 | Science is what happens when preconception meets verification. |
3dda02a9 | 11258 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11259 | Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it. |
11260 | -- William Buckley | |
11261 | ||
11262 | % | |
11263 | SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) | |
11264 | You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will | |
11265 | achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of | |
11266 | ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered. | |
11267 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11268 | Scott's first Law: |
11269 | No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. | |
3dda02a9 | 11270 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11271 | Scott's second Law: |
11272 | When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11273 | to have been wrong in the first place. |
11274 | ||
58fe6ef4 KB |
11275 | Corollary: |
11276 | After the correction has been found in error, it will be | |
fcf2a2a2 | 11277 | impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation. |
3dda02a9 | 11278 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11279 | Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it! |
11280 | Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock? | |
11281 | Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table. | |
11282 | Kirk: Then it's of external origin? | |
11283 | Spock: Affirmative. | |
11284 | Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two. | |
11285 | Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two. | |
3dda02a9 | 11286 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 11287 | Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else. |
3dda02a9 | 11288 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11289 | Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the |
11290 | Presidency. | |
11291 | -- Richard Nixon | |
11292 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11293 | Second Law of Business Meetings: |
11294 | If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you | |
fcf2a2a2 | 11295 | will pick the wrong one. |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11296 | |
11297 | Corollary: | |
11298 | If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11299 | wrong, anyway. |
11300 | % | |
11301 | "Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State). | |
11302 | In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a | |
11303 | multiline message byte. | |
11304 | In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message | |
11305 | must be sent passive true. | |
11306 | The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter: | |
11307 | (1) The ANRS if DAV is false | |
11308 | (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither: | |
11309 | (a) The LADS is active | |
11310 | (b) Nor LACS is active" | |
11311 | ||
11312 | -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for | |
11313 | Programmable Instrumentation | |
3dda02a9 | 11314 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 11315 | Security check: \a\a\aINTRUDER ALERT! |
3dda02a9 | 11316 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11317 | Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. |
11318 | She scissored short. Sorely shorn, | |
11319 | Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, | |
11320 | Silently scheming, | |
11321 | Sightlessly seeking | |
11322 | Some savage, spectacular suicide. | |
11323 | -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" | |
3dda02a9 | 11324 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11325 | "See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ..." |
11326 | % | |
11327 | Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine: | |
11328 | Ice Cream cures all ills. | |
11329 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11330 | Self Test for Paranoia: |
11331 | You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's | |
fcf2a2a2 | 11332 | your own fault. |
3dda02a9 | 11333 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11334 | Seminars, n.: |
11335 | From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion. | |
3dda02a9 | 11336 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11337 | Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would |
11338 | notify you if the record has pornographics material or | |
11339 | material glorifying violence?" | |
11340 | Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me." | |
11341 | Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's | |
11342 | legs on the album cover is good indication that it's | |
11343 | not for little Johnny." | |
11344 | ||
11345 | -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock | |
11346 | lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985 | |
11347 | % | |
11348 | Senate, n.: | |
11349 | A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and | |
11350 | misdemeanors. | |
11351 | -- Ambrose Bierce | |
11352 | % | |
11353 | Serenity through viciousness. | |
11354 | % | |
11355 | Serocki's Stricture: | |
11356 | Marriage is always a bachelor's last option. | |
11357 | % | |
11358 | Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. | |
11359 | % | |
11360 | "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated | |
11361 | thoughtfully. "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY | |
11362 | advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now." | |
11363 | "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly. | |
11364 | "Too proud?" the other enquired. | |
11365 | Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean," | |
11366 | she said, "that one can't help growing older." | |
11367 | "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With | |
11368 | proper assistance, you might have left off at seven." | |
11369 | -- Lewis Carroll | |
11370 | % | |
11371 | Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a | |
11372 | big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at | |
11373 | reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's | |
11374 | build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up | |
11375 | like crabgrass all over the United States. | |
11376 | -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" | |
3dda02a9 | 11377 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 11378 | Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke. |
3dda02a9 | 11379 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11380 | Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. |
11381 | -- Swami X | |
3dda02a9 | 11382 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11383 | Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. |
11384 | -- M. C. Reed. | |
3dda02a9 | 11385 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11386 | Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, |
11387 | it's one of the best. | |
11388 | -- Woody Allen | |
3dda02a9 | 11389 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 11390 | Shamus, n. [Yiddish]: |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11391 | A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the |
11392 | temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. | |
11393 | A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog | |
11394 | functionaries, and there's a joke about that: | |
11395 | A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the | |
11396 | middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be | |
11397 | bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" | |
11398 | The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I | |
11399 | am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks | |
11400 | he's nobody!" | |
11401 | -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" | |
3dda02a9 | 11402 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11403 | Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off |
11404 | during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. | |
11405 | -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every | |
11406 | Teen Should Know" | |
11407 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11408 | Shaw's Principle: |
11409 | Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will | |
fcf2a2a2 | 11410 | want to use it. |
3dda02a9 | 11411 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11412 | "She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to." |
11413 | -- Gypsy Rose Lee | |
3dda02a9 | 11414 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11415 | She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot. |
11416 | -- Mark Twain | |
3dda02a9 | 11417 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11418 | She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them |
11419 | were bad. | |
11420 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11421 | She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could |
11422 | have poured on a waffle ... | |
3dda02a9 | 11423 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11424 | "She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing, |
11425 | you should hear me play piano.'" | |
11426 | -- Morrisey | |
11427 | % | |
11428 | She's genuinely bogus. | |
11429 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11430 | "Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have |
11431 | taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an | |
11432 | excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature." | |
11433 | -- Samuel Johnson | |
3dda02a9 | 11434 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11435 | SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! |
11436 | POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE! | |
3dda02a9 | 11437 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11438 | Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is |
11439 | playing golf with his boss. | |
3dda02a9 | 11440 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 11441 | Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change. |
3dda02a9 | 11442 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11443 | Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. |
11444 | -- from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet | |
3dda02a9 | 11445 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11446 | Silverman's Law: |
11447 | If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. | |
3dda02a9 | 11448 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11449 | Simon's Law: |
11450 | Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. | |
3dda02a9 | 11451 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11452 | Since I hurt my pendulum |
11453 | My life is all erratic. | |
11454 | My parrot, who was cordial, | |
11455 | Is now transmitting static. | |
11456 | The carpet died, a palm collapsed, | |
11457 | The cat keeps doing poo. | |
11458 | The only thing that keeps me sane | |
11459 | Is talking to my shoe. | |
11460 | -- My Shoe | |
3dda02a9 | 11461 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11462 | Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're |
11463 | alive. | |
11464 | -- John Sloan | |
11465 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11466 | Since we're all here, we must not be all there. |
11467 | -- Bob "Mountain" Beck | |
3dda02a9 | 11468 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11469 | [Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the |
11470 | vices I admire. | |
11471 | -- Winston Churchill | |
3dda02a9 | 11472 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11473 | Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate |
11474 | Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically | |
11475 | excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text. | |
11476 | This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. He personally | |
11477 | examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the published | |
11478 | Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be | |
11479 | printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result provoked wry | |
11480 | comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had | |
11481 | no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy. | |
3dda02a9 | 11482 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11483 | Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor): |
11484 | That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11485 | or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should |
11486 | have gotten. | |
3dda02a9 | 11487 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11488 | Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes |
11489 | to work. | |
3dda02a9 | 11490 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11491 | Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, |
11492 | when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and | |
11493 | apparently incoherent songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I | |
11494 | neither saw nor heard as those without might see and hear. They told a | |
11495 | tale which was then altogether beyond my feeble comprehension: they | |
11496 | were tones, loud, long and deep, breathing the prayer and complaint of | |
11497 | souls boiling over with the bitterest anguish. Every tone was a | |
11498 | testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God for deliverance from | |
11499 | chains. | |
11500 | -- Frederick Douglass | |
11501 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 11502 | Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: |
fcf2a2a2 | 11503 | (1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad |
58fe6ef4 | 11504 | check. |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11505 | (2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. |
11506 | (3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11507 | attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is |
11508 | attracted to dark objects. | |
3dda02a9 | 11509 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11510 | Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ... |
11511 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11512 | Slurm, n.: |
11513 | The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when | |
11514 | it sits in the dish too long. | |
11515 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" | |
3dda02a9 | 11516 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11517 | Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. |
11518 | -- Fletcher Knebel | |
11519 | % | |
11520 | Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. | |
11521 | -- Fletcher Knebel | |
11522 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11523 | Snacktrek, n.: |
11524 | The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly | |
11525 | returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have | |
11526 | materialized. | |
11527 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" | |
3dda02a9 | 11528 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11529 | So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate |
11530 | your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and | |
11531 | hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast | |
11532 | array of 8-millimeter video equipment. | |
11533 | ||
11534 | ... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you | |
11535 | were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format | |
11536 | that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as | |
11537 | toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be | |
11538 | made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a | |
11539 | format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*. | |
11540 | -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics | |
11541 | Revolution" | |
11542 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11543 | So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in |
11544 | praise of intelligence. | |
11545 | -- Bertrand Russell | |
3dda02a9 | 11546 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11547 | ... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those |
11548 | who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent, | |
11549 | and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious | |
11550 | and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men. | |
11551 | -- Voltarine de Cleyre | |
11552 | % | |
11553 | So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. | |
11554 | With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to | |
11555 | maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of | |
11556 | corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to | |
11557 | flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward | |
11558 | it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and -- | |
11559 | I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in | |
11560 | the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us. | |
11561 | Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and | |
11562 | I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our | |
11563 | heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're | |
11564 | unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water | |
11565 | up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the | |
11566 | opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of | |
11567 | our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all | |
11568 | the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers | |
11569 | cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen | |
11570 | these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked | |
11571 | into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads. | |
11572 | -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" | |
11573 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11574 | "So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple |
11575 | pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops | |
fcf2a2a2 | 11576 | its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11577 | imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, |
11578 | and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, | |
11579 | and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the | |
11580 | gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots." | |
11581 | -- Samuel Foote | |
3dda02a9 | 11582 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11583 | ... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their |
11584 | procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as | |
11585 | to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of | |
11586 | sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making | |
11587 | documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly | |
11588 | listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another | |
11589 | documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking, | |
11590 | under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the | |
11591 | effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply | |
11592 | scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White | |
11593 | in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of | |
11594 | thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and | |
11595 | then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very | |
11596 | dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all | |
11597 | along. | |
11598 | -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" | |
11599 | % | |
11600 | So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? And why can't he ever | |
11601 | remember his Bible? | |
11602 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11603 | Sodd's Second Law: |
11604 | Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11605 | bound to occur. |
11606 | % | |
11607 | Software, n.: | |
11608 | Formal evening attire for female computer analysts. | |
11609 | % | |
11610 | Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit. | |
11611 | % | |
11612 | Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them. | |
11613 | -- Ed Howe | |
3dda02a9 | 11614 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11615 | Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to |
11616 | celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around | |
11617 | stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on | |
11618 | "The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind | |
11619 | of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The | |
11620 | government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level | |
11621 | Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and | |
11622 | billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which | |
11623 | it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming | |
11624 | thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with | |
11625 | the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money | |
11626 | and go to a mall. | |
11627 | -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" | |
3dda02a9 | 11628 | % |
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11629 | Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some |
11630 | people have mediocrity thrust upon them. | |
11631 | -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" | |
3dda02a9 | 11632 | % |
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11633 | Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have only |
11634 | one life to live, let me live it as a jerk." | |
11635 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11636 | Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit |
11637 | them on the head. | |
3dda02a9 | 11638 | % |
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11639 | Some people live life in the fast lane. You're in oncoming traffic. |
11640 | % | |
11641 | Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when | |
11642 | you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even | |
11643 | worse. | |
11644 | -- Avery | |
11645 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11646 | Some points to remember [about animals]: |
11647 | ||
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11648 | (1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri, |
11649 | hippopotamuses; | |
11650 | (2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the | |
11651 | front of your clothes; | |
11652 | (3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs | |
11653 | you have just kicked. | |
58fe6ef4 | 11654 | -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" |
3dda02a9 | 11655 | % |
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11656 | Some primal termite knocked on wood. |
11657 | And tasted it, and found it good. | |
11658 | And that is why your Cousin May | |
11659 | Fell through the parlor floor today. | |
11660 | -- Ogden Nash | |
11661 | % | |
11662 | Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand | |
11663 | progress. | |
11664 | % | |
11665 | Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand | |
11666 | progress. | |
11667 | -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 | |
11668 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11669 | Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the |
11670 | pens will multiply instead of disappear. | |
3dda02a9 | 11671 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 11672 | Someone will try to honk your nose today. |
3dda02a9 | 11673 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11674 | "Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm |
11675 | the only ashtray." | |
3dda02a9 | 11676 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11677 | Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. |
11678 | -- Lily Tomlin | |
3dda02a9 | 11679 | % |
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11680 | "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the |
11681 | Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then | |
11682 | intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men | |
11683 | and women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our | |
11684 | best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are | |
11685 | we not God's Machineries of Joy?" | |
11686 | ||
11687 | "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin." | |
11688 | -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy" | |
3dda02a9 | 11689 | % |
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11690 | Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering. |
11691 | % | |
11692 | Song Title of the Week: | |
11693 | "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change | |
11694 | in me." | |
11695 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11696 | Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already |
11697 | paid may disregard this fortune). | |
3dda02a9 | 11698 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11699 | Sorry, no fortune this time. |
11700 | % | |
11701 | Sorry. I forget what I was going to say. | |
11702 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11703 | Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- |
11704 | bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the | |
11705 | road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. | |
11706 | -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" | |
3dda02a9 | 11707 | % |
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11708 | "Spare no expense to save money on this one." |
11709 | -- Samuel Goldwyn | |
11710 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11711 | Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers: |
11712 | If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11713 | if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question |
11714 | back at him. | |
3dda02a9 | 11715 | % |
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11716 | Speak roughly to your little boy, |
11717 | And beat him when he sneezes: | |
11718 | He only does it to annoy | |
11719 | Because he knows it teases. | |
11720 | ||
11721 | Wow! wow! wow! | |
11722 | ||
11723 | I speak severely to my boy, | |
11724 | And beat him when he sneezes: | |
11725 | For he can thoroughly enjoy | |
11726 | The pepper when he pleases! | |
11727 | ||
11728 | Wow! wow! wow! | |
11729 | -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" | |
3dda02a9 | 11730 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11731 | Speak roughly to your little VAX, |
11732 | And boot it when it crashes; | |
11733 | It knows that one cannot relax | |
11734 | Because the paging thrashes! | |
11735 | ||
11736 | Wow! Wow! Wow! | |
11737 | ||
11738 | I speak severely to my VAX, | |
11739 | And boot it when it crashes; | |
11740 | In spite of all my favorite hacks | |
11741 | My jobs it always thrashes! | |
11742 | ||
11743 | Wow! Wow! Wow! | |
11744 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 11745 | Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword. |
3dda02a9 | 11746 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11747 | Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. |
11748 | -- Dave Millman | |
11749 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11750 | Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am |
11751 | sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, | |
11752 | cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free | |
11753 | the middle third? Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a | |
11754 | bit string and assign the result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a | |
11755 | controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before | |
11756 | passing it back? Overlay three different types of variable on the same | |
11757 | memory location? Anything you say! Write a recursive macro? Well, | |
11758 | no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language so obviously | |
11759 | designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use? | |
3dda02a9 | 11760 | % |
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11761 | Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror: |
11762 | ||
11763 | With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair | |
11764 | He throws the spinning disk drives in the air! | |
11765 | And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down | |
11766 | As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds! | |
11767 | Helpless users with projects due | |
11768 | Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too! | |
11769 | ||
11770 | Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla! | |
11771 | Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!" | |
11772 | ||
11773 | * VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation | |
11774 | * DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc. | |
11775 | -- Curtis Jackson | |
11776 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11777 | Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently |
11778 | these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people | |
11779 | to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't | |
11780 | communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so | |
11781 | on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real | |
11782 | life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't | |
11783 | communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very _____\b\b\b\b\bleast | |
11784 | he can do is to Shut Up! | |
11785 | -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was" | |
3dda02a9 | 11786 | % |
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11787 | "Speed is subsittute fo accurancy." |
11788 | % | |
11789 | Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading: | |
11790 | The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the | |
11791 | number of times you have looked at it. | |
11792 | % | |
11793 | Spelling is a lossed art. | |
11794 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 11795 | Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers. |
3dda02a9 | 11796 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11797 | Spirtle, n.: |
11798 | The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in | |
11799 | your eye. | |
11800 | -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" | |
3dda02a9 | 11801 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11802 | Spouse, n.: |
11803 | Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you | |
11804 | wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. | |
3dda02a9 | 11805 | % |
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11806 | "Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist |
11807 | drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to pur'\bee of bat guano; and the | |
11808 | greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll | |
11809 | take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!" | |
11810 | -- Harlan Ellison | |
11811 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 11812 | Stay away from flying saucers today. |
3dda02a9 | 11813 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 11814 | Stay away from hurricanes for a while. |
3dda02a9 | 11815 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 11816 | "Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly." |
3dda02a9 | 11817 | % |
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11818 | Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: |
11819 | Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have | |
fcf2a2a2 | 11820 | another drink. |
3dda02a9 | 11821 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 11822 | Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming: |
58fe6ef4 | 11823 | Never test for an error condition you don't know how to |
fcf2a2a2 | 11824 | handle. |
3dda02a9 | 11825 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 11826 | Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. |
3dda02a9 | 11827 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11828 | Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only |
11829 | take a bath ... | |
3dda02a9 | 11830 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11831 | Stult's Report: |
11832 | Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is | |
fcf2a2a2 | 11833 | fight the solutions. |
3dda02a9 | 11834 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11835 | Stupid, n.: |
11836 | Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay. | |
3dda02a9 | 11837 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11838 | Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out? |
11839 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11840 | Sturgeon's Law: |
11841 | 90% of everything is crud. | |
3dda02a9 | 11842 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11843 | Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your |
11844 | editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. | |
11845 | -- Mark Twain | |
3dda02a9 | 11846 | % |
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11847 | Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way |
11848 | before it is understood. | |
11849 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 11850 | Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring. |
3dda02a9 | 11851 | % |
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11852 | Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar |
11853 | without his duck ... | |
11854 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11855 | (Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA) |
11856 | ||
11857 | To code the impossible code, | |
11858 | To bring up a virgin machine, | |
11859 | To pop out of endless recursion, | |
11860 | To grok what appears on the screen, | |
11861 | ||
11862 | To right the unrightable bug, | |
11863 | To endlessly twiddle and thrash, | |
11864 | To mount the unmountable magtape, | |
11865 | To stop the unstoppable crash! | |
3dda02a9 | 11866 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 11867 | Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have! |
3dda02a9 | 11868 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11869 | Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy. |
11870 | % | |
11871 | Support your local police force -- steal!! | |
11872 | % | |
11873 | Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost. | |
11874 | % | |
11875 | Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead! | |
11876 | % | |
11877 | Surprise due today. Also the rent. | |
11878 | % | |
11879 | Surprise your boss. Get to work on time. | |
11880 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11881 | Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit! Just type |
11882 | in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving | |
11883 | the room is punishable under law: | |
11884 | ||
11885 | Name # | |
3dda02a9 | 11886 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11887 | Swahili, n.: |
11888 | The language used by the National Enquirer to print their | |
11889 | retractions. | |
11890 | -- Johnny Hart | |
3dda02a9 | 11891 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11892 | Sweater, n.: |
11893 | A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly. | |
3dda02a9 | 11894 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11895 | Swipple's Rule of Order: |
11896 | He who shouts the loudest has the floor. | |
3dda02a9 | 11897 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11898 | Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon. |
11899 | -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 | |
11900 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11901 | System/3! System/3! |
11902 | See how it runs! See how it runs! | |
11903 | Its monitor loses so totally! | |
11904 | It runs all its programs in RPG! | |
11905 | It's made by our favorite monopoly! | |
11906 | System/3! | |
3dda02a9 | 11907 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11908 | Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad |
11909 | infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over. | |
11910 | -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 | |
11911 | % | |
11912 | _ | |
11913 | _ / \ o | |
11914 | / \ | | o o o | |
11915 | | | | | _ o o o o | |
11916 | | \_| | / \ o o o | |
11917 | \__ | | | o o | |
11918 | | | | | ______ ~~~~ _____ | |
11919 | | |__/ | / ___--\\ ~~~ __/_____\__ | |
11920 | | ___/ / \--\\ \\ \ ___ <__ x x __\ | |
11921 | | | / /\\ \\ )) \ ( " ) | |
11922 | | | -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >----------- | |
11923 | | | // | | //__________ / \ ____) (___ \\ | |
11924 | | | // __|_| ( --------- ) //// ______ /////\ \\ | |
11925 | // | ( \ ______ / <<<< <>-----<<<<< / \\ | |
11926 | // ( ) / / \` \__ \\ | |
11927 | //-------------------------------------------------------------\\ | |
11928 | ||
11929 | Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels | |
11930 | start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and | |
11931 | then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the | |
11932 | music at top volume and at least a pint of ether. | |
11933 | -- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" | |
11934 | % | |
11935 | T: One big monster, he called TROLL. | |
11936 | He don't rock, and he don't roll; | |
11937 | Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies. | |
11938 | He just Love To Eat Them Roguies. | |
11939 | -- The Roguelet's ABC | |
3dda02a9 | 11940 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11941 | Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a |
11942 | hole in his head. | |
3dda02a9 | 11943 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11944 | Tact, n.: |
11945 | The unsaid part of what you're thinking. | |
3dda02a9 | 11946 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 11947 | Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way. |
3dda02a9 | 11948 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11949 | Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting |
11950 | enough cheese | |
fcf2a2a2 | 11951 | -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" |
3dda02a9 | 11952 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 11953 | Take it easy, we're in a hurry. |
3dda02a9 | 11954 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11955 | Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it |
11956 | needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. | |
11957 | -- Kipling | |
3dda02a9 | 11958 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11959 | Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit |
11960 | back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good | |
11961 | beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up | |
11962 | drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a | |
11963 | nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves | |
11964 | and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So | |
11965 | Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw | |
11966 | no need to improve ... | |
11967 | -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" | |
11968 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11969 | Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to |
11970 | your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms, | |
11971 | and they'll call you crazy. | |
11972 | -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul" | |
3dda02a9 | 11973 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11974 | Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. |
11975 | -- Euripides | |
3dda02a9 | 11976 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11977 | Talkers are no good doers. |
11978 | -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" | |
3dda02a9 | 11979 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11980 | Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. |
11981 | -- Friedrich Nietzsche | |
3dda02a9 | 11982 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11983 | TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) |
11984 | You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged | |
11985 | determination and work like hell. Most people think you are | |
11986 | stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist. | |
11987 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11988 | Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind |
11989 | the tree." | |
11990 | -- Russell Long | |
3dda02a9 | 11991 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
11992 | Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself |
11993 | out of the market. | |
11994 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11995 | Taxes, n.: |
11996 | Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get | |
11997 | an extension. | |
3dda02a9 | 11998 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
11999 | Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he |
12000 | grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway. | |
3dda02a9 | 12001 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 12002 | Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else. |
3dda02a9 | 12003 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12004 | Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means |
12005 | for going backwards. | |
12006 | -- Aldous Huxley | |
3dda02a9 | 12007 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12008 | Telephone, n.: |
12009 | An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the | |
12010 | advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. | |
12011 | -- Ambrose Bierce | |
12012 | % | |
12013 | Tell me, O Octopus, I begs, | |
12014 | Is those things arms, or is they legs? | |
12015 | I marvel at thee, Octopus; | |
12016 | If I were thou, I'd call me us. | |
12017 | -- Ogden Nash | |
12018 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12019 | Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop |
12020 | writing. | |
12021 | -- R. Geis | |
3dda02a9 | 12022 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12023 | "Terence, this is stupid stuff: |
12024 | You eat your victuals fast enough; | |
12025 | There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear, | |
12026 | To see the rate you drink your beer. | |
12027 | But oh, good Lord, the verse you make, | |
12028 | It gives a chap the belly-ache. | |
12029 | The cow, the old cow, she is dead; | |
12030 | It sleeps well the horned head: | |
12031 | We poor lads, 'tis our turn now | |
12032 | To hear such tunes as killed the cow. | |
12033 | Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme | |
12034 | Your friends to death before their time. | |
12035 | Moping, melancholy mad: | |
12036 | Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad." | |
fcf2a2a2 | 12037 | -- A. E. Housman |
3dda02a9 | 12038 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12039 | "Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a |
12040 | surprising amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one | |
12041 | hand considered the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other | |
12042 | hand were unwilling to risk offending God's grandmother." | |
12043 | -- Len Cool, "American Pie" | |
3dda02a9 | 12044 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12045 | Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a |
12046 | pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city | |
12047 | until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is | |
12048 | ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe | |
12049 | because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical | |
12050 | fact, for he merely said: | |
12051 | ||
12052 | "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because | |
12053 | it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain | |
12054 | because it is impossible." | |
12055 | ||
12056 | Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of | |
12057 | philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it. | |
12058 | -- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types | |
12059 | ||
12060 | (Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church). | |
3dda02a9 | 12061 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 12062 | Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones. |
3dda02a9 | 12063 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 12064 | Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession. |
3dda02a9 | 12065 | % |
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12066 | "Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even |
12067 | one which cannot be justified on any other grounds." | |
12068 | -- J. Finnegan, USC. | |
3dda02a9 | 12069 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12070 | Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future. |
12071 | -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly | |
3dda02a9 | 12072 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12073 | "That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver" |
12074 | -- Foghorn Leghorn | |
3dda02a9 | 12075 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 12076 | "That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all." |
3dda02a9 | 12077 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 12078 | That secret you've been guarding, isn't. |
3dda02a9 | 12079 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12080 | That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. |
12081 | -- Dorothy Parker | |
3dda02a9 | 12082 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 12083 | The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy. |
3dda02a9 | 12084 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12085 | The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by |
12086 | people who want some. | |
12087 | -- Dwight MacDonald | |
3dda02a9 | 12088 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12089 | The Abrams' Principle: |
12090 | The shortest distance between two points is off the wall. | |
3dda02a9 | 12091 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12092 | The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper |
12093 | -- Thomas Jefferson | |
3dda02a9 | 12094 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12095 | The Advertising Agency Song: |
12096 | ||
12097 | When your client's hopping mad, | |
12098 | Put his picture in the ad. | |
12099 | If he still should prove refractory, | |
12100 | Add a picture of his factory. | |
3dda02a9 | 12101 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12102 | "The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug |
12103 | someone with it." | |
12104 | -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340 | |
3dda02a9 | 12105 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12106 | ... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that |
12107 | consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune | |
12108 | of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to | |
12109 | listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it. | |
12110 | -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" | |
3dda02a9 | 12111 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12112 | The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas |
12113 | River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little | |
12114 | Rock. | |
3dda02a9 | 12115 | % |
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12116 | The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. |
12117 | Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed | |
12118 | and color, but also on ability. | |
12119 | -- T. Lehrer | |
3dda02a9 | 12120 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12121 | The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe. |
12122 | -- Bill Murray | |
3dda02a9 | 12123 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12124 | The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use |
12125 | in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the | |
12126 | Declaration not for that, but for future use. | |
12127 | -- Abraham Lincoln | |
3dda02a9 | 12128 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 12129 | The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m. |
3dda02a9 | 12130 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12131 | The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the |
12132 | average man can see better than he can think. | |
3dda02a9 | 12133 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12134 | "The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by |
12135 | people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried | |
12136 | anything." | |
12137 | -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore | |
12138 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12139 | The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than |
12140 | cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and | |
12141 | difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, | |
12142 | which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- | |
12143 | here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO | |
12144 | RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you | |
12145 | want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking | |
12146 | lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a | |
12147 | squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out | |
12148 | and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault, | |
12149 | his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was | |
12150 | neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking | |
12151 | lots. | |
12152 | -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" | |
3dda02a9 | 12153 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12154 | The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit |
12155 | called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in | |
12156 | writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would | |
12157 | be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices | |
12158 | immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a | |
12159 | bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special | |
12160 | Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of | |
12161 | paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty | |
12162 | would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning. | |
12163 | The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to | |
12164 | emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood | |
12165 | Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets." | |
12166 | -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" | |
12167 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12168 | The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; |
12169 | but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman. | |
3dda02a9 | 12170 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12171 | The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. |
12172 | -- W. C. Fields | |
3dda02a9 | 12173 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 12174 | The best defense against logic is ignorance. |
3dda02a9 | 12175 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 12176 | The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. |
3dda02a9 | 12177 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12178 | "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and |
12179 | blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. | |
12180 | You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at | |
12181 | night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only | |
12182 | love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or | |
12183 | know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only | |
12184 | one thing for it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what | |
12185 | wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, | |
12186 | never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never | |
12187 | dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a | |
12188 | lot of things there are to learn." | |
12189 | -- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King" | |
12190 | % | |
12191 | The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them | |
12192 | is a match. | |
12193 | -- Will Rogers | |
12194 | % | |
12195 | The bigger the theory the better. | |
12196 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12197 | The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse |
12198 | time. | |
12199 | -- Merrick Furst | |
3dda02a9 | 12200 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12201 | The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time for Miss |
12202 | Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public. | |
12203 | ||
12204 | It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners has been | |
12205 | known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a curb, and, | |
12206 | in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a foot or two | |
12207 | under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the sight of | |
12208 | people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand dresses up a | |
12209 | city considerably more than the more familiar sight of people shaking | |
12210 | umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to is the kind of | |
12211 | activity that frightens the horses on the street ... | |
3dda02a9 | 12212 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 12213 | "The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch." |
3dda02a9 | 12214 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12215 | The bogosity meter just pegged. |
12216 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12217 | The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up |
12218 | in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school. | |
3dda02a9 | 12219 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12220 | The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development: |
12221 | To determine how long it will take to write and debug a | |
12222 | program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and | |
12223 | convert to the next higher units. | |
12224 | % | |
12225 | The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. | |
12226 | Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in | |
12227 | automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo. | |
12228 | -- Art Buchwald | |
12229 | % | |
12230 | The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding | |
12231 | bureaucracy. | |
12232 | % | |
12233 | "The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the | |
12234 | flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language." | |
12235 | % | |
12236 | The camel has a single hump; | |
12237 | The dromedary two; | |
12238 | Or else the other way around. | |
12239 | I'm never sure. Are you? | |
12240 | -- Ogden Nash | |
12241 | % | |
12242 | The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly | |
12243 | greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed | |
12244 | inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner | |
12245 | party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics. | |
12246 | -- H. L. Mencken | |
12247 | % | |
12248 | "The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain." | |
12249 | -- G. Fitch | |
12250 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12251 | The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up |
12252 | at the steam fitters' picnic. | |
3dda02a9 | 12253 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 12254 | The chief cause of problems is solutions. |
3dda02a9 | 12255 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12256 | The chief danger in life is that you may take too may precautions. |
12257 | -- Alfred Adler | |
12258 | % | |
12259 | The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will | |
12260 | walk carefully. | |
12261 | -- Russian Proverb | |
12262 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12263 | "The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live |
12264 | elsewhere." | |
3dda02a9 | 12265 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12266 | "The Computer made me do it." |
12267 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12268 | The computing field is always in need of new cliches. |
12269 | -- Alan Perlis | |
3dda02a9 | 12270 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12271 | The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his |
12272 | memos. | |
12273 | -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 | |
12274 | % | |
12275 | The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other | |
12276 | subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up | |
12277 | every bird watcher in the country. | |
12278 | -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972 | |
12279 | % | |
12280 | The Consultant's Curse: | |
12281 | When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him | |
12282 | what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong | |
12283 | medicine, and is normally only required once. | |
12284 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12285 | The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is |
12286 | none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but." | |
12287 | Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. | |
12288 | Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you | |
12289 | talked about. | |
12290 | -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" | |
3dda02a9 | 12291 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 12292 | The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. |
3dda02a9 | 12293 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12294 | The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going |
12295 | down. | |
3dda02a9 | 12296 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12297 | The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to |
12298 | eat. | |
12299 | -- John McNulty | |
3dda02a9 | 12300 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12301 | The Crown is full of it! |
12302 | -- Nate Harris, 1775 | |
12303 | % | |
12304 | The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should | |
12305 | therefore be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could | |
12306 | hardly be propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to | |
12307 | declare war and they are screened at once from scrutiny ... In war, | |
12308 | then, as in peace, assert the freedom of speech and of the press. | |
12309 | Cling to this as the bulwark of all our rights and privileges. | |
12310 | -- William Ellery Channing | |
12311 | % | |
12312 | The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. | |
12313 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12314 | The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of |
12315 | us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching | |
12316 | Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe. | |
3dda02a9 | 12317 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 12318 | The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary? |
3dda02a9 | 12319 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 12320 | The devil finds work for idle circuits to do. |
3dda02a9 | 12321 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12322 | "The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell |
12323 | into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him | |
12324 | out again, it would be a calamity." | |
12325 | -- Benjamin Disraeli | |
3dda02a9 | 12326 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12327 | The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science |
12328 | requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require | |
12329 | scholarship. | |
12330 | -- Robert Heinlein | |
3dda02a9 | 12331 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12332 | The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the |
12333 | following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates: | |
12334 | ||
12335 | "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. | |
12336 | Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is | |
12337 | Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous. | |
12338 | "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish. | |
12339 | Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. | |
12340 | Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. | |
12341 | Macaroons are ____\b\b\b\bvery Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is | |
12342 | goyish. Lime soda is ____\b\b\b\bvery goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that | |
12343 | Jews won't go near them ..." | |
12344 | -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" | |
12345 | % | |
12346 | The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on | |
12347 | a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets. | |
12348 | % | |
12349 | The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man | |
12350 | really clever who has not found that he is stupid. | |
12351 | -- Gilbert K. Chesterson | |
12352 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12353 | The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show |
12354 | off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his | |
12355 | next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the | |
12356 | duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the | |
12357 | duck and returned it to his master. | |
12358 | "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly. | |
12359 | "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't | |
12360 | swim." | |
3dda02a9 | 12361 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12362 | The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late |
12363 | and owns the worm farm. | |
12364 | -- Travis McGee | |
12365 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 12366 | The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. |
3dda02a9 | 12367 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12368 | The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and |
12369 | add ten percent. | |
12370 | % | |
12371 | The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on | |
12372 | weather forecasters. | |
12373 | -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann | |
12374 | % | |
12375 | "The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not | |
12376 | Compute' -- I forget which." | |
12377 | -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 | |
12378 | % | |
12379 | The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of | |
12380 | civilization. | |
12381 | -- Ralph Waldo Emerson | |
12382 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12383 | The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with |
12384 | symposium to follow. | |
3dda02a9 | 12385 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12386 | The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach |
12387 | their children to speak it. | |
12388 | -- G. B. Shaw | |
12389 | % | |
12390 | The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a | |
12391 | remarkable Christian forbearance among men. | |
12392 | -- Ambrose Bierce | |
12393 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12394 | The fact that it works is immaterial. |
12395 | -- L. Ogborn | |
3dda02a9 | 12396 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12397 | The faster we go, the rounder we get. |
12398 | -- The Grateful Dead | |
12399 | % | |
12400 | The Fifth Rule: | |
12401 | You have taken yourself too seriously. | |
12402 | % | |
12403 | The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. | |
12404 | -- Abbie Hoffman | |
12405 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12406 | The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King |
12407 | Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a | |
12408 | tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad | |
12409 | forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously | |
12410 | fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of | |
12411 | threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked | |
12412 | suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of | |
12413 | foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead | |
12414 | one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with | |
12415 | dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found | |
12416 | drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown | |
12417 | and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have | |
12418 | thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture | |
12419 | of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left | |
12420 | in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed | |
12421 | crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave | |
12422 | Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when | |
12423 | a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful | |
12424 | throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system. | |
12425 | -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" | |
3dda02a9 | 12426 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12427 | The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of |
12428 | management is that success equals skill. | |
12429 | -- Robert Heller | |
3dda02a9 | 12430 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12431 | The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish |
12432 | child, was propounded to me by my father: | |
12433 | "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and | |
12434 | whistles?" | |
12435 | I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity | |
12436 | gave up. | |
12437 | "A herring," said my father. | |
12438 | "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" | |
12439 | "So hang it there." | |
fcf2a2a2 | 12440 | "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12441 | "Paint it." |
12442 | "But a herring isn't wet." | |
12443 | "If its just painted its still wet." | |
12444 | "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring | |
12445 | doesn't whistle!!" | |
12446 | "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it | |
12447 | hard." | |
12448 | -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish" | |
3dda02a9 | 12449 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12450 | "The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your |
12451 | hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do." | |
12452 | -- McCloctnik the Lucid | |
12453 | % | |
12454 | The First Rule of Program Optimization: | |
12455 | Don't do it. | |
12456 | ||
12457 | The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): | |
12458 | Don't do it yet. | |
12459 | -- Michael Jackson | |
12460 | % | |
12461 | The first time, it's a KLUDGE! | |
12462 | The second, a trick. | |
12463 | Later, it's a well-established technique! | |
12464 | -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics | |
12465 | % | |
12466 | The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions | |
12467 | Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals: | |
12468 | ||
12469 | As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of | |
12470 | logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more | |
12471 | appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the | |
12472 | four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector. | |
12473 | . . . | |
12474 | Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible | |
12475 | blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves | |
12476 | parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge | |
12477 | of the hyper-cube. | |
12478 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12479 | The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by |
12480 | a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities. | |
3dda02a9 | 12481 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12482 | "The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and |
12483 | vinyl." | |
12484 | -- Dave Barry | |
12485 | % | |
12486 | The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the | |
12487 | number of your kids by 32 teeth. | |
12488 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12489 | The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to |
12490 | chance. | |
3dda02a9 | 12491 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12492 | The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness. |
12493 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12494 | The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the |
12495 | center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South | |
12496 | Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South | |
12497 | End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. | |
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12499 | The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled |
12500 | today. | |
12501 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12502 | The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at |
12503 | least until we've finished building it. | |
3dda02a9 | 12504 | % |
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12505 | The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature |
12506 | is to build better mice. | |
3dda02a9 | 12507 | % |
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12508 | The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him |
12509 | love and he invented marriage. | |
3dda02a9 | 12510 | % |
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12511 | THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES |
12512 | The one who has the gold makes the rules. | |
12513 | % | |
12514 | "The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who | |
12515 | make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians | |
12516 | have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine | |
12517 | man in the bonds of Hell." | |
12518 | -- St. Augustine | |
12519 | % | |
12520 | The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got | |
12521 | to be good. | |
12522 | % | |
12523 | "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop") | |
12524 | ||
12525 | On the good ship Enterprise | |
12526 | Every week there's a new surprise | |
12527 | Where the Romulans lurk | |
12528 | And the Klingons often go berserk. | |
12529 | ||
12530 | Yes, the good ship Enterprise | |
12531 | There's excitement anywhere it flies | |
12532 | Where Tribbles play | |
12533 | And Nurse Chapel never gets her way. | |
12534 | ||
12535 | See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge, | |
12536 | Mr. Spock is at his side. | |
12537 | The weekly menace, ooh-ooh | |
12538 | It gets fried, scattered far and wide. | |
12539 | ||
12540 | It's the good ship Enterprise | |
12541 | Heading out where danger lies | |
12542 | And you live in dread | |
12543 | If you're wearing a shirt that's red. | |
12544 | -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics | |
12545 | % | |
12546 | The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of | |
12547 | statistics. These are raised to the _\bnth degree, the cube roots are | |
12548 | extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive | |
12549 | displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every | |
12550 | case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts | |
12551 | down anything he damn well pleases. | |
12552 | -- Sir Josiah Stamp | |
12553 | % | |
12554 | The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all | |
12555 | who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature. | |
12556 | -- Benjamin Franklin. | |
12557 | % | |
12558 | The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog: | |
12559 | The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in | |
12560 | courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk | |
12561 | clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods | |
12562 | of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp | |
12563 | Hedgehog Eater. | |
12564 | -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" | |
12565 | % | |
12566 | The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men | |
12567 | of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding. | |
12568 | -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis | |
12569 | % | |
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12570 | The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. |
12571 | -- Albert Einstein | |
3dda02a9 | 12572 | % |
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12573 | The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom |
12574 | whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, | |
12575 | nohow. | |
12576 | % | |
12577 | The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: | |
12578 | You can never be sure how many beers you had last night. | |
3dda02a9 | 12579 | % |
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12580 | The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent |
12581 | thinkers. | |
3dda02a9 | 12582 | % |
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12583 | The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back, |
12584 | which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at | |
12585 | least 5000 years old." | |
12586 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12587 | The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for |
12588 | lists of "Ten Best". | |
12589 | -- H. Allen Smith | |
3dda02a9 | 12590 | % |
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12591 | "The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and |
12592 | has gills through which it can see." | |
12593 | -- Monty Python | |
12594 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12595 | The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity |
12596 | -- the rest is overhead for the operating system. | |
3dda02a9 | 12597 | % |
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12598 | The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange |
12599 | protein -- it rejects it. | |
12600 | -- P. Medawar | |
3dda02a9 | 12601 | % |
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12602 | The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can |
12603 | remember. Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider | |
12604 | struggling to weave its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in | |
12605 | spring, the shark reveals to us yet another of the infinite and | |
12606 | wonderful facets of nature, namely the facet that it can bite your head | |
12607 | off. This causes us humans to feel a certain degree of awe. | |
12608 | -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" | |
12609 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12610 | The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. |
12611 | -- Mark Twain | |
3dda02a9 | 12612 | % |
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12613 | The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that |
12614 | procession but carrying a banner. | |
12615 | -- Mark Twain | |
12616 | % | |
12617 | The idea is to die young as late as possible. | |
12618 | -- Ashley Montagu | |
12619 | % | |
12620 | The idea is to die young as late as possible. | |
12621 | -- Ashley Montague | |
12622 | % | |
12623 | The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic | |
12624 | devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers, | |
12625 | where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with | |
12626 | sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed, | |
12627 | consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than | |
12628 | have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones | |
12629 | repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist | |
12630 | of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic | |
12631 | devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!" | |
12632 | -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" | |
12633 | % | |
12634 | "The identical is equal to itself, since it is different." | |
12635 | -- Franco Spisani | |
12636 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12637 | "The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit |
12638 | longer." | |
12639 | -- Henry Kissinger | |
3dda02a9 | 12640 | % |
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12641 | The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf |
12642 | has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know | |
12643 | when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr. | |
12644 | -- Will Rogers | |
12645 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12646 | The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important |
12647 | point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly | |
12648 | important thing to people. | |
12649 | -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King | |
3dda02a9 | 12650 | % |
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12651 | The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the |
12652 | number of participants. | |
12653 | -- Adam Walinsky | |
12654 | % | |
12655 | The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided | |
12656 | by the number of people in the group. | |
12657 | % | |
12658 | The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free | |
12659 | information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a | |
12660 | dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a | |
12661 | real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless. | |
12662 | ||
12663 | So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never | |
12664 | pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big | |
12665 | consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes... | |
12666 | -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" | |
12667 | % | |
12668 | The Kennedy Constant: | |
12669 | Don't get mad -- get even. | |
12670 | % | |
12671 | The Killer Ducks are coming!!! | |
12672 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12673 | The ladies men admire, I've heard, |
12674 | Would shudder at a wicked word. | |
12675 | Their candle gives a single light; | |
12676 | They'd rather stay at home at night. | |
12677 | They do not keep awake till three, | |
12678 | Nor read erotic poetry. | |
12679 | They never sanction the impure, | |
12680 | Nor recognize an overture. | |
12681 | They shrink from powders and from paints ... | |
12682 | So far, I've had no complaints. | |
12683 | -- Dorothy Parker | |
3dda02a9 | 12684 | % |
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12685 | "The last time somebody said, `I find I can write much better with a |
12686 | word processor.', I replied, `They used to say the same thing about | |
12687 | drugs.' | |
12688 | -- Roy Blount, Jr. | |
12689 | % | |
12690 | The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the | |
12691 | law free. | |
12692 | -- Henry David Thoreau | |
12693 | % | |
12694 | The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the | |
12695 | poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal | |
12696 | bread. | |
12697 | -- Anatole France | |
12698 | % | |
12699 | "The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all | |
12700 | men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the | |
12701 | universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we | |
12702 | presently imagine we own." | |
12703 | -- H.G. Wells | |
12704 | % | |
12705 | THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE | |
12706 | ||
12707 | SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language | |
12708 | Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for | |
12709 | Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code | |
12710 | with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, | |
12711 | END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make | |
12712 | a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus | |
12713 | they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without | |
12714 | the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging. | |
12715 | % | |
12716 | THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP | |
12717 | ||
12718 | This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of | |
12719 | an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said | |
12720 | to be useful in protheththing lithtth. | |
12721 | % | |
12722 | THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL | |
12723 | ||
12724 | SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. | |
12725 | Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they | |
12726 | compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the | |
12727 | coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom | |
12728 | sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to | |
12729 | compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but | |
12730 | infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. | |
12731 | % | |
12732 | THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE | |
12733 | ||
12734 | Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely | |
12735 | unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just | |
12736 | are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. | |
12737 | SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at | |
12738 | parties. | |
12739 | % | |
12740 | THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C- | |
12741 | ||
12742 | This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he | |
12743 | submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is | |
12744 | best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the | |
12745 | language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code | |
12746 | statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very | |
12747 | similar to COBOL. | |
12748 | % | |
12749 | THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH | |
12750 | ||
12751 | FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types | |
12752 | refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and | |
12753 | JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and | |
12754 | BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, | |
12755 | CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND. | |
12756 | ||
12757 | The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and | |
12758 | financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include | |
12759 | VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH | |
12760 | and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers | |
12761 | who end up using this language. | |
12762 | % | |
12763 | THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE | |
12764 | ||
12765 | Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene | |
12766 | DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The | |
12767 | language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics | |
12768 | and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A | |
12769 | spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of | |
12770 | ours." | |
12771 | ||
12772 | The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have | |
12773 | almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the | |
12774 | organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to | |
12775 | exist. | |
12776 | % | |
12777 | THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL | |
12778 | From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley, | |
12779 | VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry. | |
12780 | ||
12781 | Here is a sample program: | |
12782 | LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START | |
12783 | IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND | |
12784 | VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN | |
12785 | FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100 | |
12786 | DO*WAH - (DITTY**2) | |
12787 | BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT) | |
12788 | SURE | |
12789 | LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM | |
12790 | REALLY | |
12791 | LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW) | |
12792 | IM*SURE | |
12793 | GOTO THE MALL | |
12794 | ||
12795 | When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message: | |
12796 | ||
12797 | GAG ME WITH A SPOON!! | |
12798 | % | |
12799 | THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK | |
12800 | ||
12801 | This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, | |
12802 | Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to | |
12803 | the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley. | |
12804 | ||
12805 | The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs | |
12806 | while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there | |
12807 | because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and | |
12808 | Perrier. | |
12809 | ||
12810 | Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle | |
12811 | and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower | |
12812 | case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the | |
12813 | message: | |
12814 | "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can | |
12815 | you find the time to try it again?" | |
12816 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12817 | The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching |
12818 | train. | |
3dda02a9 | 12819 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12820 | The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon. |
12821 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12822 | The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get |
12823 | much sleep. | |
12824 | -- Woody Allen | |
3dda02a9 | 12825 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12826 | The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself. |
12827 | -- Henry Kissinger | |
3dda02a9 | 12828 | % |
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12829 | "The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as |
12830 | we could with both of them." | |
12831 | -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" | |
12832 | % | |
12833 | The makers may make | |
12834 | and the users may use, | |
12835 | but the fixers must fix | |
12836 | with but minimal clues | |
12837 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12838 | The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the |
12839 | crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no | |
12840 | one has ever been. | |
12841 | -- Alan Ashley-Pitt | |
3dda02a9 | 12842 | % |
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12843 | The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that |
12844 | will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. | |
12845 | -- Mark Twain. | |
12846 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12847 | The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a |
12848 | soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which | |
12849 | when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years. | |
3dda02a9 | 12850 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12851 | "... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..." |
12852 | -- Dave Barry | |
12853 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 12854 | The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12855 | % |
12856 | The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the | |
12857 | klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream." | |
12858 | ||
12859 | "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?" | |
12860 | ||
12861 | "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?" | |
12862 | % | |
12863 | The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to | |
12864 | devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation. | |
12865 | -- Lew Mammel, Jr. | |
12866 | % | |
12867 | The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might | |
12868 | be general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the | |
12869 | law that any field that had the word "science" in its name was | |
12870 | guaranteed thereby not to be a science. He would cite as examples | |
12871 | Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking | |
12872 | Science, Social Science, and Computer Science. Discuss the generality | |
12873 | of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive | |
12874 | power. | |
12875 | -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems | |
12876 | Thinking." | |
12877 | % | |
12878 | The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything. | |
12879 | -- Laurence J. Peter | |
12880 | % | |
12881 | The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me. | |
12882 | -- Nicol Williamson | |
12883 | % | |
12884 | The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader. | |
3dda02a9 | 12885 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 12886 | The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away. |
3dda02a9 | 12887 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12888 | "The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the |
12889 | lower the mailing cost." | |
12890 | -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" | |
12891 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12892 | The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and |
12893 | robbers there will be. | |
12894 | -- Lao Tsu | |
3dda02a9 | 12895 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 12896 | The more things change, the more they stay insane. |
3dda02a9 | 12897 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12898 | The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us |
12899 | is right. | |
3dda02a9 | 12900 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12901 | The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey. |
12902 | -- Andy Warhol | |
3dda02a9 | 12903 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12904 | "The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and |
12905 | to watch someone else do it wrong without comment." | |
12906 | -- Theodore H. White | |
12907 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12908 | The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new |
12909 | discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..." | |
12910 | -- Isaac Asimov | |
3dda02a9 | 12911 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 12912 | The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on. |
3dda02a9 | 12913 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12914 | ... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!! |
12915 | % | |
12916 | "... The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" | |
12917 | "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to | |
12918 | feel interested. | |
12919 | "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little | |
12920 | vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged | |
12921 | Aged Man.'" | |
12922 | "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?" | |
12923 | Alice corrected herself. | |
12924 | "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is | |
12925 | called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!" | |
12926 | "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this time | |
12927 | completely bewildered. | |
12928 | "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is | |
12929 | "A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention." | |
12930 | -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" | |
12931 | % | |
12932 | "The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in | |
12933 | 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert." | |
12934 | -- D. Letterman | |
12935 | % | |
12936 | The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says: | |
12937 | Support your right to bare arms! | |
12938 | % | |
12939 | The net of law is spread so wide, | |
12940 | No sinner from its sweep may hide. | |
12941 | Its meshes are so fine and strong, | |
12942 | They take in every child of wrong. | |
12943 | O wondrous web of mystery! | |
12944 | Big fish alone escape from thee! | |
12945 | -- James Jeffrey Roche | |
12946 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12947 | The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I |
12948 | hope I don't get run over again. | |
3dda02a9 | 12949 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
12950 | The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, |
12951 | in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system. | |
12952 | ||
12953 | But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for | |
12954 | whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. | |
12955 | -- Matthew 5:37 | |
12956 | % | |
12957 | "The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The | |
12958 | Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country. | |
12959 | The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive | |
12960 | and running the country ..." | |
12961 | -- Robert J Woodhead | |
12962 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12963 | The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to |
12964 | choose from. | |
12965 | -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum | |
3dda02a9 | 12966 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12967 | The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the |
12968 | 80-column card. | |
12969 | -- Dennis M. Ritchie | |
3dda02a9 | 12970 | % |
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12971 | The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should |
12972 | serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society | |
12973 | these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their | |
12974 | function is to serve as checks upon the state. | |
12975 | -- Alan Barth | |
12976 | % | |
12977 | The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are | |
12978 | correct. | |
12979 | -- Ralph Hartley | |
12980 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
12981 | The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly |
12982 | analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their | |
12983 | occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve | |
12984 | these problems when called upon. | |
12985 | ||
12986 | However, When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to | |
12987 | remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp. | |
3dda02a9 | 12988 | % |
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12989 | The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: |
12990 | Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm, | |
12991 | Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate | |
12992 | Planning." | |
12993 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 12994 | The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. |
3dda02a9 | 12995 | % |
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12996 | The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age |
12997 | brings wisdom. | |
12998 | -- H. L. Mencken | |
12999 | % | |
13000 | The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader | |
13001 | catch his own breath. | |
13002 | -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart | |
13003 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13004 | The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when |
13005 | to cringe. | |
3dda02a9 | 13006 | % |
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13007 | The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the |
13008 | `social sciences' is: some do, some don't. | |
13009 | -- Ernest Rutherford | |
3dda02a9 | 13010 | % |
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13011 | The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop |
13012 | and take a rest. | |
3dda02a9 | 13013 | % |
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13014 | "The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon." |
13015 | -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and | |
13016 | Over and Over" | |
13017 | % | |
13018 | The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it. | |
13019 | % | |
13020 | The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber | |
13021 | has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, | |
13022 | finished, and put inside boxes. | |
13023 | -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" | |
13024 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13025 | The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any |
13026 | use to oneself. | |
13027 | -- Oscar Wilde | |
3dda02a9 | 13028 | % |
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13029 | "The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from |
13030 | history." | |
13031 | -- Hegel | |
13032 | ||
13033 | "I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the | |
13034 | long view." | |
13035 | -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar" | |
13036 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13037 | The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. |
13038 | -- Oscar Wilde | |
3dda02a9 | 13039 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 13040 | The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up |
fcf2a2a2 | 13041 | until 5 or 6 p.m. |
3dda02a9 | 13042 | % |
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13043 | The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. |
13044 | -- Bohr | |
3dda02a9 | 13045 | % |
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13046 | The optimum committee has no members. |
13047 | -- Norman Augustine | |
3dda02a9 | 13048 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13049 | The optimum committee has no members. |
13050 | -- Norman Augustine | |
13051 | % | |
13052 | "The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost | |
13053 | went back in time." | |
13054 | -- Steven Wright | |
3dda02a9 | 13055 | % |
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13056 | The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because |
13057 | it isn't here. | |
13058 | -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) | |
3dda02a9 | 13059 | % |
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13060 | The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it |
13061 | were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. | |
13062 | -- H. L. Mencken | |
13063 | % | |
13064 | The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the | |
13065 | Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a | |
13066 | large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' | |
13067 | it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the | |
13068 | apparatus for a spectator sport. | |
13069 | ||
13070 | The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for | |
13071 | castrating pigs during Sunday service. | |
13072 | -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" | |
13073 | % | |
13074 | The Pig, if I am not mistaken, | |
13075 | Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. | |
13076 | Let others think his heart is big, | |
13077 | I think it stupid of the Pig. | |
13078 | -- Ogden Nash | |
13079 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13080 | The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter |
13081 | swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the | |
13082 | batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The | |
13083 | center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute | |
13084 | his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it. | |
13085 | -- Dizzy Dean | |
3dda02a9 | 13086 | % |
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13087 | The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose. |
13088 | -- David Lardner | |
13089 | % | |
13090 | The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish | |
13091 | to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it | |
13092 | is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of | |
13093 | courtesy, not expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own | |
13094 | preferences. Only then can we hope to restore the insult to its proper | |
13095 | social function of expressing true distaste. | |
13096 | -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to | |
13097 | Excruciatingly Correct Behavior" | |
13098 | % | |
13099 | "The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more | |
13100 | often." | |
13101 | % | |
13102 | The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher, | |
13103 | Were each of them once a kiddie. | |
13104 | A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. | |
13105 | Do I want one? God Forbiddie! | |
13106 | -- Ogden Nash | |
13107 | % | |
13108 | The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his | |
13109 | brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is | |
13110 | Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers. | |
13111 | -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter | |
13112 | % | |
13113 | The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday | |
13114 | they might force their beliefs on us. | |
13115 | -- Mario Cuomo | |
13116 | % | |
13117 | The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired | |
13118 | warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by | |
13119 | changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped | |
13120 | marker. | |
13121 | -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" | |
13122 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13123 | The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to |
13124 | constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every | |
13125 | appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA | |
13126 | statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This | |
13127 | also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change. | |
13128 | -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers | |
3dda02a9 | 13129 | % |
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13130 | The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough |
13131 | voters to win the next election. | |
13132 | % | |
13133 | The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" | |
13134 | represents the secondary theme: | |
13135 | ||
13136 | Law Enforcement Officials | |
13137 | ||
13138 | The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: | |
13139 | ||
13140 | Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials | |
13141 | % | |
13142 | ... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from | |
13143 | other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in | |
13144 | charity we can only call "inhuman." | |
13145 | -- R. A. Lafferty | |
13146 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13147 | The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the |
13148 | stupidity of your action. | |
3dda02a9 | 13149 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13150 | The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. |
13151 | Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil | |
13152 | using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle | |
13153 | Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, | |
13154 | etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous | |
13155 | bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None | |
13156 | of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats | |
13157 | developed cancer. | |
13158 | -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" | |
3dda02a9 | 13159 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13160 | The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go |
13161 | to erase it. | |
13162 | -- Glaser and Way | |
3dda02a9 | 13163 | % |
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13164 | The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get |
13165 | results. | |
13166 | ||
13167 | The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy | |
13168 | problems in order to get results. | |
13169 | ||
13170 | The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy | |
13171 | problems in order to get results. | |
13172 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13173 | The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be |
13174 | pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. | |
13175 | -- Elizabeth Taylor | |
3dda02a9 | 13176 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 13177 | The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. |
3dda02a9 | 13178 | % |
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13179 | The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's |
13180 | outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by | |
13181 | mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once | |
13182 | tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims | |
13183 | the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding. | |
13184 | -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" | |
13185 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13186 | "The pyramid is opening!" |
13187 | "Which one?" | |
13188 | "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" | |
13189 | -- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At | |
13190 | Once When You're Not Anywhere At All" | |
3dda02a9 | 13191 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13192 | The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's: |
13193 | "My brain is paged out to my liver" | |
13194 | % | |
13195 | The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is | |
13196 | it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, | |
13197 | that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of | |
13198 | industrial waste? | |
13199 | -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" | |
13200 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13201 | The rain it raineth on the just |
13202 | And also on the unjust fella, | |
13203 | But chiefly on the just, because | |
13204 | The unjust steals the just's umbrella. | |
3dda02a9 | 13205 | % |
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13206 | The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is |
13207 | cursed. | |
13208 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 13209 | The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much. |
3dda02a9 | 13210 | % |
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13211 | The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose", |
13212 | which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape | |
13213 | Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil | |
13214 | Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like. | |
13215 | -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" | |
13216 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13217 | The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one |
13218 | persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all | |
13219 | progress depends on the unreasonable man. | |
13220 | -- George Bernard Shaw | |
3dda02a9 | 13221 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 13222 | The revolution will not be televised. |
3dda02a9 | 13223 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13224 | The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. |
13225 | -- Emerson | |
3dda02a9 | 13226 | % |
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13227 | The rhino is a homely beast, |
13228 | For human eyes he's not a feast. | |
13229 | Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros, | |
13230 | I'll stare at something less prepoceros. | |
13231 | -- Ogden Nash | |
13232 | % | |
13233 | The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This | |
13234 | means that only left handed people are in their right mind. | |
13235 | % | |
13236 | "The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests | |
13237 | and to his imagination for his facts." | |
13238 | -- Sheridan | |
13239 | % | |
13240 | The right to revolt has sources deep in our history. | |
13241 | -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas | |
13242 | % | |
13243 | "The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the | |
13244 | House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights | |
13245 | you have and what rights you have not got." | |
13246 | -- J. Parnell Thomas | |
13247 | % | |
13248 | The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with | |
13249 | sloppy analysis! | |
13250 | % | |
13251 | The Roman Rule | |
13252 | The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the | |
13253 | one who is doing it. | |
13254 | % | |
13255 | The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in | |
13256 | his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on | |
13257 | one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't | |
13258 | take it too seriously. | |
13259 | -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" | |
13260 | % | |
13261 | The rule on staying alive as a forcaster is to give 'em a number or | |
13262 | give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once. | |
13263 | -- Jane Bryant Quinn | |
13264 | % | |
13265 | "The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography" | |
13266 | % | |
13267 | The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 | |
13268 | showed that all had these things in common: | |
13269 | ||
13270 | (1) They all had moderate appetites. | |
13271 | (2) They all came from middle class homes | |
13272 | (3) All but two of them were dead. | |
13273 | % | |
13274 | The scum also rises. | |
13275 | -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson | |
13276 | % | |
13277 | The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, | |
13278 | respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones | |
13279 | from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the | |
13280 | milestones are lifted. | |
13281 | -- George Bernard Shaw | |
13282 | % | |
13283 | The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood | |
13284 | as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. | |
13285 | The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in | |
13286 | the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in | |
13287 | twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive. | |
13288 | ||
13289 | "Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached | |
13290 | everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a | |
13291 | fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- | |
13292 | and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city." | |
13293 | ||
13294 | "How?" demanded Fafhrd. | |
13295 | ||
13296 | Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know." | |
13297 | -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar" | |
13298 | % | |
13299 | The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land. | |
3dda02a9 | 13300 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 13301 | The shortest distance between two points is under construction. |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13302 | -- Noelie Alito |
13303 | % | |
13304 | The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee: | |
13305 | The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going | |
13306 | in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long | |
13307 | way.) | |
13308 | -- Dan Roddick | |
3dda02a9 | 13309 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 13310 | "The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity |
fcf2a2a2 | 13311 | and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13312 | activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ... |
13313 | neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water." | |
3dda02a9 | 13314 | % |
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13315 | "The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their |
13316 | money." | |
13317 | -- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon" | |
13318 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 13319 | "The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!" |
3dda02a9 | 13320 | % |
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13321 | The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be |
13322 | able to correct them. | |
13323 | -- Nicolaides | |
13324 | % | |
13325 | The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. | |
13326 | % | |
13327 | The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's | |
13328 | readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of | |
13329 | some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet | |
13330 | reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led | |
13331 | the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well | |
13332 | known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at | |
13333 | Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program | |
13334 | of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of | |
13335 | psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three | |
13336 | Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That | |
13337 | these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a | |
13338 | further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want | |
13339 | something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from | |
13340 | the Russians. | |
13341 | -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973 | |
13342 | % | |
13343 | The STAR WARS Song | |
13344 | Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks: | |
13345 | ||
13346 | I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah | |
13347 | Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda | |
13348 | S-O-D-A soda | |
13349 | I saw the little runt sitting there on a log | |
13350 | I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda | |
13351 | Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda | |
13352 | ||
13353 | Well I've been around but I ain't never seen | |
13354 | A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green | |
13355 | Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda | |
13356 | Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand | |
13357 | How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand | |
13358 | Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda | |
13359 | % | |
13360 | The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub. | |
13361 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 13362 | The steady state of disks is full. |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13363 | -- Ken Thompson |
13364 | % | |
13365 | THE STORY OF CREATION | |
13366 | or | |
13367 | THE MYTH OF URK | |
13368 | ||
13369 | In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null, | |
13370 | and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM | |
13371 | was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be | |
13372 | registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried; | |
13373 | and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data | |
13374 | Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening | |
13375 | and there was morning, one interrupt ... | |
13376 | -- Rico Tudor | |
13377 | % | |
13378 | The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make | |
13379 | them unsafe. | |
13380 | -- Mayor Frank Rizzo | |
13381 | % | |
13382 | "The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and | |
13383 | is an emerging underachiever." | |
13384 | % | |
13385 | The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant | |
13386 | biology. | |
13387 | % | |
13388 | "The subspace _\bW inherits the other 8 properties of _\bV. And there aren't | |
13389 | even any property taxes." | |
13390 | -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b | |
13391 | % | |
13392 | The sum of the Universe is zero. | |
3dda02a9 | 13393 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13394 | The sun was shining on the sea, |
13395 | Shining with all his might: | |
13396 | He did his very best to make | |
13397 | The billows smooth and bright -- | |
13398 | And this was very odd, because it was | |
13399 | The middle of the night. | |
13400 | -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" | |
3dda02a9 | 13401 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13402 | The superfluous is very necessary. |
13403 | -- Voltaire | |
3dda02a9 | 13404 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13405 | The surest protection against temptation is cowardice. |
13406 | -- Mark Twain | |
13407 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13408 | The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our |
13409 | authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as | |
13410 | the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as | |
13411 | the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much | |
13412 | radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much | |
13413 | as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we | |
13414 | receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the | |
13415 | Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will | |
13416 | heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to | |
13417 | the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much | |
13418 | heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for | |
13419 | radiation, (_\bH/_\bE)^4 = 50, where _\bE is the absolute temperature of the | |
13420 | earth (-300K), gives _\bH as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell | |
13421 | cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the | |
13422 | fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which | |
13423 | burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means | |
13424 | that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We | |
13425 | have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. | |
13426 | -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972 | |
3dda02a9 | 13427 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13428 | The Third Law of Photography: |
13429 | If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined | |
13430 | when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark | |
13431 | leaks out. | |
13432 | % | |
13433 | The Three Laws of Thermodynamics: | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13434 | |
13435 | The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it. | |
13436 | The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break | |
13437 | even. | |
13438 | The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero. | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13439 | % |
13440 | The Three Major Kind of Tools | |
13441 | ||
13442 | * Tools for hittings things to make them loose or to tighten them up or | |
13443 | jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a | |
13444 | manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces, | |
13445 | bludgeons, and truncheons.) | |
13446 | ||
13447 | * Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls) | |
13448 | ||
13449 | * Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far | |
13450 | greater than the value of any project that could possibly result. | |
13451 | (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses | |
13452 | any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.) | |
13453 | -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" | |
3dda02a9 | 13454 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13455 | The trouble with a kitten is that |
13456 | When it grows up, it's always a cat | |
13457 | -- Ogden Nash. | |
3dda02a9 | 13458 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 13459 | The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. |
3dda02a9 | 13460 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13461 | The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate |
13462 | it. | |
13463 | -- Franklin P. Jones | |
13464 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13465 | The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing |
13466 | more important to do. | |
3dda02a9 | 13467 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13468 | The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody |
13469 | appreciates how difficult it was. | |
3dda02a9 | 13470 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13471 | The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths. |
13472 | -- Ken Kesey | |
13473 | % | |
13474 | The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie. | |
13475 | -- Lenny Bruce | |
13476 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13477 | The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And |
13478 | vice versa. | |
3dda02a9 | 13479 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13480 | The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks |
13481 | Which practically conceal its sex. | |
13482 | I think it clever of the turtle | |
13483 | In such a fix to be so fertile. | |
13484 | -- Ogden Nash | |
3dda02a9 | 13485 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13486 | "The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and |
13487 | stupidity." | |
13488 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13489 | The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more |
13490 | annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. | |
13491 | -- Oscar Wilde | |
3dda02a9 | 13492 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13493 | The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are |
13494 | "100 percent American"... | |
13495 | -- U. S. Army (1945) | |
13496 | % | |
13497 | The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to | |
13498 | everybody and still nobody likes him. | |
13499 | -- Jim Samuels | |
13500 | % | |
13501 | The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be | |
13502 | broken. | |
13503 | % | |
13504 | The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the | |
13505 | combination is locked up in the safe. | |
13506 | -- Peter DeVries | |
13507 | % | |
13508 | The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie | |
13509 | Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is said | |
13510 | to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of his | |
13511 | decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride." | |
13512 | % | |
13513 | The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and | |
13514 | religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging | |
13515 | from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its | |
13516 | yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the | |
13517 | world put together. | |
13518 | -- Sir Peter Medawar | |
13519 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13520 | The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be |
13521 | regarded as a criminal offense. | |
13522 | -- E. W. Dijkstra | |
3dda02a9 | 13523 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13524 | The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes |
13525 | the worst cigars. | |
13526 | -- H. L. Mencken | |
13527 | % | |
13528 | The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid | |
13529 | prejudice. | |
13530 | -- Mark Twain | |
13531 | % | |
13532 | The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. | |
13533 | Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts | |
13534 | to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to | |
13535 | be one of the facts that needs altering. | |
13536 | -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil" | |
13537 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 13538 | "The voters have spoken, the bastards ..." |
3dda02a9 | 13539 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13540 | "The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes, |
13541 | it's just a tired feeling:" | |
13542 | % | |
13543 | The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth. | |
13544 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13545 | "The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity |
13546 | that would be clearly understood." | |
13547 | -- Alexander Haig | |
3dda02a9 | 13548 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13549 | "The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start |
13550 | with a large fortune." | |
3dda02a9 | 13551 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13552 | The wind doth taste so bitter sweet, |
13553 | Like Jaspar wine and sugar, | |
13554 | It must have blown through someone's feet, | |
13555 | Like those of Caspar Weinberger. | |
13556 | -- P. Opus | |
13557 | % | |
13558 | THE WOMBAT | |
13559 | ||
13560 | The wombat lives across the seas, | |
13561 | Among the far Antipodes. | |
13562 | He may exist on nuts and berries, | |
13563 | Or then again, on missionaries; | |
13564 | His distant habitat precludes | |
13565 | Conclusive knowledge of his moods. | |
13566 | But I would not engage the wombat | |
13567 | In any form of mortal combat. | |
13568 | % | |
13569 | The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!! | |
3dda02a9 | 13570 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 13571 | The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books! |
3dda02a9 | 13572 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13573 | The world is coming to an end. Please log off. |
13574 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13575 | The world's as ugly as sin, |
13576 | And almost as delightful | |
13577 | -- Frederick Locker-Lampson | |
3dda02a9 | 13578 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13579 | The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of |
13580 | four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all | |
13581 | the answers. | |
3dda02a9 | 13582 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13583 | Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. |
13584 | ||
13585 | He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, | |
13586 | then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open | |
13587 | market. | |
13588 | ||
13589 | If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should | |
13590 | not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself. | |
13591 | ||
13592 | Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree. | |
13593 | Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg. | |
13594 | Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower. | |
13595 | -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" | |
3dda02a9 | 13596 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13597 | Then here's to the City of Boston, |
13598 | The town of the cries and the groans. | |
13599 | Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks, | |
13600 | And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns. | |
13601 | -- Franklin Pierce Adams | |
13602 | % | |
13603 | THEORY | |
13604 | Into love and out again, | |
13605 | Thus I went and thus I go. | |
13606 | Spare your voice, and hold your pen: | |
13607 | Well and bitterly I know | |
13608 | All the songs were ever sung, | |
13609 | All the words were ever said; | |
13610 | Could it be, when I was young, | |
13611 | Someone dropped me on my head? | |
13612 | -- Dorothy Parker | |
13613 | % | |
13614 | There *__\b\bis* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday. | |
13615 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13616 | There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, |
13617 | and praiseworthy ... | |
13618 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 13619 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13620 | There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own |
13621 | cats. | |
13622 | % | |
13623 | There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axis | |
13624 | are chosen correctly. | |
13625 | % | |
13626 | There are no games on this system. | |
13627 | % | |
13628 | There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the | |
13629 | existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any | |
13630 | marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat | |
13631 | engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is | |
13632 | obviously impossible. | |
13633 | -- Richard Davisson | |
13634 | % | |
13635 | There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the | |
13636 | truth without lying. | |
13637 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13638 | There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a |
13639 | vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone. | |
13640 | -- Gloria Steinem | |
3dda02a9 | 13641 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13642 | There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that |
13643 | someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named | |
13644 | Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or | |
13645 | Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that | |
13646 | every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is | |
13647 | this? | |
13648 | Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for | |
13649 | centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___\b\b\byou | |
13650 | can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's | |
13651 | forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster | |
13652 | -- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't | |
13653 | even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover | |
13654 | why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance. | |
13655 | -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" | |
13656 | % | |
13657 | "There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13658 | plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; |
13659 | and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13660 | don't we all?" |
13661 | % | |
13662 | "There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells | |
13663 | and fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated | |
13664 | pools here and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving | |
13665 | them parched for wonder. There are also those who believe that if you | |
13666 | stick your fingers up your nose and blow, it will increase your | |
13667 | intelligence." | |
13668 | -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII | |
3dda02a9 | 13669 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13670 | There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics. |
13671 | -- Disraeli | |
3dda02a9 | 13672 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13673 | "There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away |
13674 | from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone | |
13675 | loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor." | |
3dda02a9 | 13676 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13677 | There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be |
13678 | offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin | |
13679 | a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount | |
13680 | of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of | |
13681 | affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. | |
13682 | When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. | |
13683 | Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13684 | -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior |
13685 | % | |
13686 | "There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and | |
13687 | engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far | |
13688 | the more certain." | |
13689 | -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800 | |
13690 | % | |
13691 | There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring | |
13692 | the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many | |
13693 | facts. Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next | |
13694 | fact; that's science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent | |
13695 | Universe controlled by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's | |
13696 | Factor; that's engineering. | |
13697 | % | |
13698 | There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I | |
13699 | can't remember. | |
13700 | -- Italo Svevo | |
3dda02a9 | 13701 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 13702 | There are three ways to get something done: |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13703 | (1) Do it yourself. |
13704 | (2) Hire someone to do it for you. | |
13705 | (3) Forbid your kids to do it. | |
3dda02a9 | 13706 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13707 | There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire |
13708 | someone, or forbid your kids to do it. | |
3dda02a9 | 13709 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13710 | There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is |
13711 | one of them. | |
13712 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13713 | There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect |
13714 | the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the | |
13715 | sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too. | |
13716 | -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" | |
3dda02a9 | 13717 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13718 | There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good |
13719 | sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. | |
13720 | -- Woody Allen | |
13721 | % | |
13722 | "There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to | |
13723 | make is so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the | |
13724 | other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious | |
13725 | deficiencies." | |
13726 | -- C. A. R. Hoare | |
13727 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13728 | "There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the |
13729 | other is to read Pope." | |
13730 | -- Oscar Wilde | |
3dda02a9 | 13731 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13732 | There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one |
13733 | works. | |
3dda02a9 | 13734 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13735 | There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a |
13736 | suitable application of high explosives. | |
3dda02a9 | 13737 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13738 | There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule. |
13739 | -- R. W. Gerard | |
13740 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13741 | There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. |
13742 | -- Henry Kissinger | |
3dda02a9 | 13743 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13744 | There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than 10 men or fewer |
13745 | than 100. | |
13746 | -- Steele's Law | |
13747 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13748 | There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know |
13749 | nothing about. | |
3dda02a9 | 13750 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13751 | There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an |
13752 | opinion. | |
13753 | -- Anatole France | |
13754 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13755 | There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of |
13756 | paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write. | |
3dda02a9 | 13757 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 13758 | There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. |
3dda02a9 | 13759 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13760 | There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs |
13761 | tied during the month of April. | |
13762 | % | |
13763 | There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish. | |
13764 | -- Walt Disney | |
13765 | % | |
13766 | "There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, | |
13767 | Honesty, Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and | |
13768 | love of the Fatherland." | |
13769 | -- Adolf Hitler | |
13770 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13771 | There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe |
13772 | is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bazaarly | |
13773 | inexplicable." | |
13774 | ||
13775 | There is another theory that states: "This has already happened ...." | |
fcf2a2a2 | 13776 | -- Douglas Adams, "Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy" |
3dda02a9 | 13777 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13778 | There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly |
13779 | what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly | |
13780 | disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and | |
13781 | inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has | |
13782 | already happened. | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13783 | -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" |
13784 | % | |
13785 | "There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a | |
13786 | vacuum." | |
13787 | -- Arthur C. Clarke | |
3dda02a9 | 13788 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13789 | There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. |
13790 | -- Mark Twain | |
3dda02a9 | 13791 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13792 | There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the |
13793 | tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not | |
13794 | abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and | |
13795 | war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, | |
13796 | of course. | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13797 | -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed. |
13798 | % | |
13799 | "There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their | |
13800 | home." | |
13801 | -- Ken Olson, President of DEC, World Future Society | |
13802 | Convention, 1977 | |
3dda02a9 | 13803 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13804 | There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it |
13805 | -- G. B. Shaw | |
3dda02a9 | 13806 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13807 | There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast |
13808 | reflexes. | |
3dda02a9 | 13809 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13810 | There is no such thing as fortune. Try again. |
13811 | % | |
13812 | There is no time like the pleasant. | |
13813 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13814 | There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be |
13815 | doing. | |
3dda02a9 | 13816 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13817 | There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY. |
13818 | There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS I'm very probably wrong. | |
13819 | % | |
13820 | "There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," | |
13821 | said a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. "And yet just | |
13822 | a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable | |
13823 | question," said Nasrudin. "I could have answered it if I had been | |
13824 | there." "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in | |
13825 | the middle of the night?'" | |
13826 | % | |
13827 | There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the | |
13828 | ocean level wouldn't cure. | |
13829 | -- Ross MacDonald | |
13830 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13831 | There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and |
13832 | that is not being talked about. | |
13833 | -- Oscar Wilde | |
3dda02a9 | 13834 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13835 | There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale |
13836 | returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. | |
13837 | -- Mark Twain | |
3dda02a9 | 13838 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13839 | There once was a girl named Irene |
13840 | Who lived on distilled kerosene | |
13841 | But she started absorbin' | |
13842 | A new hydrocarbon | |
13843 | And since then has never benzene. | |
3dda02a9 | 13844 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13845 | There once was a member of Mensa |
13846 | Who was a most excellent fencer. | |
13847 | The sword that he used | |
13848 | Was his -- (line is refused, | |
13849 | And has now been removed by the censor). | |
13850 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13851 | There once was an old man from Esser, |
13852 | Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser. | |
13853 | It at last grew so small, | |
13854 | He knew nothing at all, | |
13855 | And now he's a College Professor. | |
3dda02a9 | 13856 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13857 | "There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved |
13858 | it." | |
13859 | -- C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia | |
3dda02a9 | 13860 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13861 | There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were |
13862 | left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. | |
13863 | Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they | |
13864 | started debating who should be allowed to stay. | |
13865 | ||
13866 | The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all | |
13867 | over the world, the President explained that if he died then America | |
13868 | would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley | |
13869 | said, "Look! We're not solving anything like this! The only fair | |
13870 | thing to do is to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 | |
13871 | votes. | |
3dda02a9 | 13872 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13873 | There was a young lady from Hyde |
13874 | Who ate a green apple and died. | |
13875 | While her lover lamented | |
13876 | The apple fermented | |
13877 | And made cider inside her inside. | |
3dda02a9 | 13878 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13879 | There was a young man who said "God, |
13880 | I find it exceedingly odd, | |
13881 | That the willow oak tree | |
13882 | Continues to be, | |
13883 | When there's no one about in the Quad." | |
13884 | ||
13885 | "Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, | |
13886 | For I'm always about in the Quad; | |
13887 | And that's why the tree, | |
13888 | Continues to be," | |
13889 | Signed "Yours faithfully, God." | |
3dda02a9 | 13890 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 13891 | There was a young poet named Dan, |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13892 | Whose poetry never would scan. |
13893 | When told this was so, | |
13894 | He said, "Yes, I know. | |
13895 | % | |
13896 | There was a young poet named Dan, | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13897 | Whose poetry never would scan. |
13898 | When told this was so, | |
13899 | He said, "Yes, I know. | |
13900 | It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can." | |
3dda02a9 | 13901 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13902 | "There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: |
13903 | both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to | |
13904 | talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him | |
13905 | during the trial." | |
13906 | -- David Letterman | |
13907 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13908 | There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of |
13909 | the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double- | |
13910 | digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the | |
13911 | 8-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the | |
13912 | transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity | |
13913 | stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative | |
13914 | feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching | |
13915 | systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the | |
13916 | first electrical digital computer, and the first communications | |
13917 | satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the | |
13918 | telephone business? | |
3dda02a9 | 13919 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13920 | There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not |
13921 | a fence. | |
3dda02a9 | 13922 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 13923 | There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. |
3dda02a9 | 13924 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13925 | There's little in taking or giving, |
13926 | There's little in water or wine: | |
13927 | This living, this living, this living, | |
13928 | Was never a project of mine. | |
13929 | Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is | |
13930 | The gain of the one at the top, | |
13931 | For art is a form of catharsis, | |
13932 | And love is a permanent flop, | |
13933 | And work is the province of cattle, | |
13934 | And rest's for a clam in a shell, | |
13935 | So I'm thinking of throwing the battle -- | |
13936 | Would you kindly direct me to hell? | |
13937 | -- Dorothy Parker | |
3dda02a9 | 13938 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13939 | There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our |
13940 | whole lives, win, lose, or draw. | |
13941 | -- Walt Kelly | |
13942 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 13943 | There's no future in time travel |
3dda02a9 | 13944 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13945 | There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. |
13946 | -- Dr. Who | |
3dda02a9 | 13947 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13948 | There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get |
13949 | any worse. | |
3dda02a9 | 13950 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13951 | There's no room in the drug world for amateurs. |
13952 | % | |
13953 | There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government | |
13954 | working for you. | |
13955 | -- Will Rodgers | |
13956 | % | |
13957 | "There's nothing in the middle of the road but a yellow stripe and dead | |
13958 | armadillos." | |
13959 | -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner | |
13960 | % | |
13961 | "There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't | |
13962 | aggravate." | |
13963 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13964 | There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn |
13965 | what it is I'll get married again. | |
13966 | -- Clint Eastwood | |
3dda02a9 | 13967 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13968 | There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is |
13969 | becoming an endangered synthetic. | |
13970 | -- Lily Tomlin | |
3dda02a9 | 13971 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13972 | "These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!" |
13973 | "These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!" | |
13974 | "These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP | |
13975 | out of MEGATON MAN!" | |
3dda02a9 | 13976 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13977 | These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they |
13978 | used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink. | |
3dda02a9 | 13979 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 13980 | They also surf who only stand on waves. |
3dda02a9 | 13981 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13982 | "They make a desert and call it peace." |
13983 | -- Tacitus (55?-120?) | |
13984 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13985 | They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners |
13986 | always spell better than they pronounce. | |
13987 | -- Mark Twain | |
3dda02a9 | 13988 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
13989 | "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary |
13990 | safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." | |
13991 | -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759 | |
13992 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 13993 | "They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!" |
3dda02a9 | 13994 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
13995 | They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results |
13996 | About a month before. Their hair began to curl | |
13997 | The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it | |
13998 | But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL. | |
13999 | ||
14000 | He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this | |
14001 | To pass where they had failed For it must ever be | |
14002 | And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest | |
14003 | The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me. | |
14004 | ||
14005 | My notion was to start again | |
14006 | Ignoring all they'd done | |
14007 | We quickly turned it into code | |
14008 | To see if it would run. | |
3dda02a9 | 14009 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 14010 | They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! |
3dda02a9 | 14011 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14012 | "They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult |
14013 | to like." | |
14014 | -- Avon | |
14015 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 14016 | Things are more like they used to be than they are now. |
3dda02a9 | 14017 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 14018 | Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face. |
3dda02a9 | 14019 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 14020 | Think big. Pollute the Mississippi. |
3dda02a9 | 14021 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 14022 | Think honk if you're a telepath. |
3dda02a9 | 14023 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 14024 | Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.! |
3dda02a9 | 14025 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14026 | Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer |
14027 | crashes. | |
3dda02a9 | 14028 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 14029 | Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click". |
3dda02a9 | 14030 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14031 | "Thirty days hath Septober, |
14032 | April, June, and no wonder. | |
14033 | all the rest have peanut butter | |
14034 | except my father who wears red suspenders." | |
14035 | % | |
14036 | This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14 | |
14037 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14038 | This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need, |
14039 | please use the program "________\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\brandchar". This program generates random | |
14040 | characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with | |
14041 | something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be | |
14042 | more profound than THIS program has ever been. | |
3dda02a9 | 14043 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 14044 | This fortune intentionally not included. |
3dda02a9 | 14045 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 14046 | This fortune is false. |
3dda02a9 | 14047 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 14048 | This fortune is inoperative. Please try another. |
3dda02a9 | 14049 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14050 | "This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, |
14051 | regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling | |
14052 | keys ..." | |
3dda02a9 | 14053 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14054 | "This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT |
14055 | DOG." | |
14056 | -- Bob Violence | |
14057 | % | |
14058 | "This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an | |
14059 | actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?" | |
14060 | % | |
14061 | This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, | |
14062 | because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under | |
14063 | which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has | |
14064 | "deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the | |
14065 | consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any | |
14066 | rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for | |
14067 | oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill | |
14068 | Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers | |
14069 | over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These | |
14070 | innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been | |
14071 | passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with | |
14072 | amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do | |
14073 | apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark, | |
14074 | and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out. | |
14075 | -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations" | |
14076 | % | |
14077 | This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement. | |
14078 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14079 | This is for all ill-treated fellows |
14080 | Unborn and unbegot, | |
14081 | For them to read when they're in trouble | |
14082 | And I am not. | |
14083 | -- A. E. Housman | |
3dda02a9 | 14084 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14085 | "This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back |
14086 | to one." | |
14087 | -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351 | |
14088 | % | |
14089 | This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week. | |
14090 | % | |
14091 | THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM | |
14092 | ||
14093 | If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your | |
14094 | contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue | |
14095 | without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are | |
14096 | contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We | |
14097 | can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money | |
14098 | for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the | |
14099 | difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight | |
14100 | and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to | |
14101 | "fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before | |
14102 | you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. | |
14103 | Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute | |
14104 | 30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The | |
14105 | Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or | |
14106 | more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug .... | |
14107 | % | |
14108 | This is the ____\b\b\b\bLAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury! | |
14109 | % | |
14110 | This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the | |
14111 | power of computers: | |
14112 | ||
14113 | Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct | |
14114 | the thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a | |
14115 | minimum level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The | |
14116 | results are that one should eat each day: | |
14117 | ||
14118 | 1/2 chicken | |
14119 | 1 egg | |
14120 | 1 glass of skim milk | |
14121 | 27 heads of lettuce. | |
14122 | -- Rev. Adrian Melott | |
14123 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14124 | This is the story of the bee |
14125 | Whose sex is very hard to see | |
14126 | ||
14127 | You cannot tell the he from the she | |
14128 | But she can tell, and so can he | |
14129 | ||
14130 | The little bee is never still | |
14131 | She has no time to take the pill | |
14132 | ||
14133 | And that is why, in times like these | |
14134 | There are so many sons of bees. | |
3dda02a9 | 14135 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14136 | This is your fortune. |
14137 | % | |
14138 | This land is full of trousers! | |
14139 | this land is full of mausers! | |
14140 | And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down! | |
14141 | -- Firesign Theater | |
14142 | % | |
14143 | This land is made of mountains, | |
14144 | This land is made of mud, | |
14145 | This land has lots of everything, | |
14146 | For me and Elmer Fudd. | |
14147 | ||
14148 | This land has lots of trousers, | |
14149 | This land has lots of mousers, | |
14150 | And pussycats to eat them | |
14151 | When the sun goes down. | |
14152 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14153 | This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, |
14154 | you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where | |
14155 | to go. | |
3dda02a9 | 14156 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 14157 | This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88 |
3dda02a9 | 14158 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14159 | This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with |
14160 | great force. | |
14161 | -- Dorothy Parker | |
14162 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14163 | This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of |
14164 | the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many | |
14165 | solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were | |
14166 | largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, | |
14167 | which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of | |
14168 | paper that were unhappy. | |
14169 | -- Douglas Adams | |
3dda02a9 | 14170 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14171 | "This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does |
14172 | something child-like." | |
14173 | -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454 | |
14174 | % | |
14175 | This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland | |
14176 | student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87. | |
14177 | ||
14178 | One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use | |
14179 | Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one | |
14180 | computer language to another and has a built-in editing system | |
14181 | which identifies errors in the original program. | |
14182 | % | |
14183 | This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't. | |
14184 | -- Hofstadter | |
14185 | % | |
14186 | ... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal lives | |
14187 | as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as | |
14188 | determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. Eighties people | |
14189 | buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking soda. If an '80s | |
14190 | couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three | |
14191 | weeks in advance, and they are informed that their table is available, | |
14192 | they stalk out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent | |
14193 | restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous crowd of | |
14194 | excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their beepers going | |
14195 | off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant wouldn't have | |
14196 | a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli. | |
14197 | -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" | |
14198 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14199 | This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget |
14200 | it. | |
3dda02a9 | 14201 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14202 | Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire |
14203 | rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better | |
14204 | than he does. | |
14205 | As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about | |
14206 | it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily | |
14207 | sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we | |
14208 | consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is | |
14209 | being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians. | |
14210 | The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can | |
14211 | do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his | |
14212 | honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can | |
14213 | be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public | |
14214 | relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter | |
14215 | Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes. | |
14216 | This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease. | |
14217 | -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt | |
14218 | from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear | |
14219 | and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72" | |
14220 | % | |
14221 | Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those | |
14222 | of us who do. | |
3dda02a9 | 14223 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 14224 | Those who can't write, write manuals. |
3dda02a9 | 14225 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14226 | Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate. |
14227 | % | |
14228 | "Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics." | |
14229 | -- French Proverb | |
14230 | % | |
14231 | Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. | |
14232 | -- Henry Spencer | |
14233 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14234 | Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, |
14235 | for these only gave life, those the art of living well. | |
14236 | -- Aristotle | |
3dda02a9 | 14237 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14238 | Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often |
14239 | surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law. | |
14240 | -- Mark B. Cohen | |
14241 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 14242 | Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. |
3dda02a9 | 14243 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14244 | Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent |
14245 | revolution inevitable. | |
14246 | -- John F. Kennedy | |
3dda02a9 | 14247 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14248 | Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are |
14249 | men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean | |
14250 | without the roar of its many waters. | |
14251 | -- Frederick Douglass | |
14252 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14253 | Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are |
14254 | the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with | |
14255 | Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- | |
14256 | whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A | |
14257 | fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any | |
14258 | more about the matter than the others. | |
14259 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 14260 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14261 | Time flies like an arrow |
14262 | Fruit flies like a banana | |
3dda02a9 | 14263 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14264 | Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana. |
14265 | % | |
14266 | Time is an illusion; lunchtime, doubly so. | |
14267 | -- Ford Prefect | |
14268 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14269 | Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at |
14270 | once. | |
3dda02a9 | 14271 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14272 | 'Tis the dream of each programmer, |
14273 | Before his life is done, | |
14274 | To write three lines of APL, | |
14275 | And make the damn things run. | |
14276 | % | |
14277 | (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along") | |
14278 | Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug | |
14279 | Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug | |
14280 | And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. | |
14281 | Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all, | |
14282 | Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall | |
14283 | And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. | |
14284 | And we've also found Just flip one switch | |
14285 | When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch | |
14286 | You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble | |
14287 | in a flash. | |
14288 | Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU | |
14289 | Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo," | |
14290 | And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash. | |
14291 | % | |
14292 | To A Quick Young Fox: | |
14293 | Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, | |
14294 | Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice? | |
14295 | Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp -- | |
14296 | Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. | |
14297 | -- Lazy Dog | |
3dda02a9 | 14298 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 14299 | To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. |
3dda02a9 | 14300 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14301 | To be is to do. |
14302 | -- I. Kant | |
14303 | To do is to be. | |
14304 | -- A. Sartre | |
14305 | Yabba-Dabba-Doo! | |
14306 | -- F. Flinstone | |
3dda02a9 | 14307 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14308 | "To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore |
14309 | this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to | |
14310 | offer in response is based on information available to make no such | |
14311 | statement." | |
14312 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14313 | To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, |
14314 | call it the target. | |
3dda02a9 | 14315 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 14316 | To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy. |
3dda02a9 | 14317 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14318 | "To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System" |
14319 | % | |
14320 | To err is human, to moo bovine. | |
14321 | % | |
14322 | To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D. | |
14323 | -- B. Duggan | |
14324 | % | |
14325 | To generalize is to be an idiot. | |
14326 | -- William Blake | |
14327 | % | |
14328 | To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three | |
14329 | men, two of them absent. | |
14330 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14331 | To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. |
14332 | -- Thomas Edison | |
3dda02a9 | 14333 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 14334 | To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. |
3dda02a9 | 14335 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14336 | To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall. |
14337 | % | |
14338 | To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide | |
14339 | a test load. | |
14340 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14341 | To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional |
14342 | system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy, | |
14343 | inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence: | |
14344 | precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel, | |
14345 | uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar, | |
14346 | well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures | |
14347 | of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very | |
14348 | secure ecological niche. | |
14349 | -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers" | |
3dda02a9 | 14350 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14351 | To understand this important story, you have to understand how the |
14352 | telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local | |
14353 | computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is | |
14354 | in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the | |
14355 | lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan. | |
14356 | ||
14357 | Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it | |
14358 | suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the | |
14359 | computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the | |
14360 | one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe | |
14361 | break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid | |
14362 | incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse, | |
14363 | an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca | |
14364 | pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's | |
14365 | loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen | |
14366 | and drink gin and laugh themselves silly. | |
14367 | -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own | |
14368 | Phones?" | |
14369 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 14370 | "To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?" |
3dda02a9 | 14371 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14372 | "To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition." |
14373 | -- Woody Allen | |
3dda02a9 | 14374 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 14375 | Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official. |
3dda02a9 | 14376 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14377 | Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day. |
14378 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 14379 | Today is the first day of the rest of the mess |
3dda02a9 | 14380 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14381 | Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage. |
14382 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 14383 | Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday |
3dda02a9 | 14384 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14385 | Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? |
14386 | ||
14387 | And where does it go after it leaves the toaster? | |
14388 | -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" | |
3dda02a9 | 14389 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14390 | "Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new |
14391 | cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more | |
14392 | spectacular adventure starring ... Tippy, the Wonder Dog." | |
14393 | -- Bob & Ray | |
14394 | % | |
14395 | "Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word | |
14396 | except in major motion pictures." | |
14397 | -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" | |
14398 | % | |
14399 | Toilet Toup'\bee, n.: | |
14400 | Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus | |
14401 | creating endless annoyance to male users. | |
14402 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" | |
14403 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 14404 | Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest. |
3dda02a9 | 14405 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 14406 | Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree. |
3dda02a9 | 14407 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14408 | Too clever is dumb. |
14409 | -- Ogden Nash | |
14410 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14411 | Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. |
14412 | -- Mae West | |
3dda02a9 | 14413 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14414 | Too much of everything is just enough. |
14415 | -- Bob Wier | |
14416 | % | |
14417 | Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available | |
14418 | briefcases. | |
14419 | -- Governor Jerry Brown | |
14420 | % | |
14421 | Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the | |
14422 | earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century. | |
14423 | As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help. | |
14424 | Please... | |
14425 | ||
14426 | CONSERVE GRAVITY | |
14427 | ||
14428 | Follow these simple suggestions: | |
14429 | ||
14430 | (1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible. | |
14431 | (2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights. | |
14432 | (3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like | |
14433 | curling. | |
14434 | (4) Avoid showers .. take baths instead. | |
14435 | (5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big | |
14436 | pile. | |
14437 | (6) Stop flipping pancakes | |
14438 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 14439 | Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow. |
3dda02a9 | 14440 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14441 | Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live |
14442 | in eucalyptus trees. | |
3dda02a9 | 14443 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14444 | Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant |
14445 | intelligence. | |
14446 | -- Henrik Tikkanen | |
3dda02a9 | 14447 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14448 | Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it. |
14449 | -- Mark Twain | |
3dda02a9 | 14450 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 14451 | Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) |
3dda02a9 | 14452 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14453 | Truthful, adj.: |
14454 | Dumb and illiterate. | |
14455 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 14456 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14457 | Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational. |
14458 | -- Charles Schulz | |
3dda02a9 | 14459 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14460 | Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no |
14461 | good. | |
3dda02a9 | 14462 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14463 | Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, |
14464 | is it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written | |
14465 | in four tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and | |
14466 | pretense. Watch for novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), | |
14467 | defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the | |
14468 | absolutely perfect future. | |
14469 | -- Amrom Katz | |
14470 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 14471 | Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. |
3dda02a9 | 14472 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14473 | Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only |
14474 | specification is that it should run noiselessly. | |
3dda02a9 | 14475 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14476 | Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. |
14477 | -- Alan Watts | |
14478 | % | |
14479 | Trying to establish voice contact ... please ____\b\b\b\byell into keyboard. | |
14480 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14481 | Turnaucka's Law: |
14482 | The attention span of a computer is only as long as its | |
fcf2a2a2 | 14483 | electrical cord. |
3dda02a9 | 14484 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14485 | Tussman's Law: |
14486 | Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. | |
3dda02a9 | 14487 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14488 | TV is chewing gum for the eyes. |
14489 | -- Frank Lloyd Wright | |
14490 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14491 | 'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks |
14492 | Did gyre and gimble in their cave | |
14493 | All mimsy was the CS-VAX | |
fcf2a2a2 | 14494 | And Cory raths outgrabe. |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14495 | |
14496 | "Beware the software rot, my son! | |
14497 | The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash! | |
14498 | Beware the broken pipe, and shun | |
14499 | The frumious system crash!" | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14500 | % |
14501 | 'Twas the Night before Crisis | |
14502 | ||
14503 | 'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house, | |
14504 | Not a program was working not even a browse. | |
14505 | The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care, | |
14506 | Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer. | |
14507 | The users were nestled all snug in their beds, | |
14508 | While visions of inquiries danced in their heads. | |
14509 | When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter, | |
14510 | I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter. | |
14511 | And what to my wondering eyes should appear, | |
14512 | But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear. | |
14513 | More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, | |
14514 | And he whistled and shouted and called them by name; | |
14515 | On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! | |
14516 | On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! | |
14517 | His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean, | |
14518 | From Weekends and nights in front of a screen. | |
14519 | A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, | |
14520 | Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread... | |
3dda02a9 | 14521 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14522 | 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period |
14523 | preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And | |
14524 | throughout our place of residence, | |
14525 | Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the | |
14526 | possessors of this potential, including that | |
14527 | species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. | |
14528 | Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward | |
14529 | edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus, | |
14530 | Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an | |
14531 | imminent visitation from an eccentric | |
14532 | philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations | |
14533 | is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ... | |
3dda02a9 | 14534 | % |
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14535 | Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing. |
14536 | -- Walt Kelly | |
14537 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14538 | Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. |
14539 | -- Howard Kandel | |
3dda02a9 | 14540 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14541 | Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man |
14542 | said, "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The | |
14543 | second man said, "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his | |
14544 | chambers, and spent an hour trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded | |
14545 | only in falling over and bruising his forehead. Returning to the | |
14546 | courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine the man whose ear was bitten. | |
14547 | If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself and the case is | |
14548 | dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man did it and | |
14549 | must pay three silver pieces." | |
14550 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 14551 | Two percent of zero is almost nothing. |
3dda02a9 | 14552 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14553 | "Two sure ways to tell a sexy male; the first is, he has a bad memory. |
14554 | I forget the second." | |
14555 | % | |
14556 | Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do. | |
14557 | % | |
14558 | U: There's a U -- a Unicorn! | |
14559 | Run right up and rub its horn. | |
14560 | Look at all those points you're losing! | |
14561 | UMBER HULKS are so confusing. | |
14562 | -- The Roguelet's ABC | |
14563 | % | |
14564 | "Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex." | |
14565 | ||
14566 | (Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.) | |
14567 | -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971) | |
14568 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 14569 | UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist. |
3dda02a9 | 14570 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14571 | "Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?" |
14572 | ||
14573 | "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food, | |
14574 | right?" | |
14575 | -- MacNelley, "Shoe" | |
3dda02a9 | 14576 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14577 | Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: |
14578 | Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14579 | hammer or get a splinter in it. |
14580 | % | |
14581 | Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: | |
14582 | Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a | |
14583 | hammmer or get a splinter in it. | |
14584 | % | |
14585 | Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a | |
14586 | just man is also a prison. | |
14587 | -- Henry David Thoreau | |
14588 | % | |
14589 | Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a | |
14590 | just man is also in prison. | |
14591 | -- Henry David Thoreau | |
3dda02a9 | 14592 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14593 | Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it |
14594 | can wait. Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ... | |
3dda02a9 | 14595 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14596 | Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: |
14597 | Superiority is recessive. | |
3dda02a9 | 14598 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14599 | Unfair animal names: |
14600 | ||
14601 | -- tsetse fly -- bullhead | |
14602 | -- booby -- duck-billed platypus | |
14603 | -- sapsucker -- Clarence | |
14604 | -- Gary Larson | |
3dda02a9 | 14605 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14606 | United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the |
14607 | Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of | |
14608 | all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of | |
14609 | all the patriots of every persuasion. | |
14610 | ||
14611 | Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the | |
14612 | world. | |
14613 | -- Isaac Asimov | |
3dda02a9 | 14614 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14615 | Universe, n.: |
14616 | The problem. | |
3dda02a9 | 14617 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14618 | University, n.: |
14619 | Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's | |
14620 | usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to | |
14621 | fix it, and ... | |
3dda02a9 | 14622 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14623 | unix soit qui mal y pense |
14624 | % | |
14625 | UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on | |
14626 | Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch). | |
14627 | -- Andy Tannenbaum | |
14628 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14629 | Unnamed Law: |
14630 | If it happens, it must be possible. | |
3dda02a9 | 14631 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14632 | Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out |
14633 | twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. | |
14634 | -- H. L. Mencken | |
3dda02a9 | 14635 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 14636 | Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir |
3dda02a9 | 14637 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14638 | User n.: |
14639 | A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. | |
3dda02a9 | 14640 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14641 | USER, n.: |
14642 | The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." | |
14643 | -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top" | |
14644 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14645 | Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach. |
14646 | -- S. C. Johnson | |
3dda02a9 | 14647 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14648 | Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, |
14649 | opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none. | |
14650 | -- Doug Larson | |
3dda02a9 | 14651 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14652 | Vail's Second Axiom: |
14653 | The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14654 | amount of work already completed. |
14655 | % | |
14656 | Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ... | |
14657 | Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ... | |
14658 | -- Tom Chapin | |
3dda02a9 | 14659 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14660 | Van Roy's Law: |
14661 | An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. | |
3dda02a9 | 14662 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14663 | Vanilla, adj.: |
14664 | Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food, | |
14665 | very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla | |
14666 | extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply | |
14667 | "vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot | |
14668 | and sour won ton soup. | |
14669 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 14670 | Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: |
fcf2a2a2 | 14671 | (1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only |
58fe6ef4 | 14672 | once. |
fcf2a2a2 | 14673 | (2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data |
58fe6ef4 | 14674 | points. |
3dda02a9 | 14675 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14676 | Veni, Vidi, Visa. |
14677 | % | |
14678 | "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past | |
14679 | year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley | |
14680 | reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their | |
14681 | artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue | |
14682 | moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon | |
14683 | Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the | |
14684 | entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the | |
14685 | sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips." | |
14686 | ||
14687 | "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. | |
14688 | ||
14689 | "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made | |
14690 | good copy." | |
14691 | -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" | |
14692 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 14693 | Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. |
3dda02a9 | 14694 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14695 | Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life." |
14696 | Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes | |
14697 | waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it." | |
14698 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14699 | Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. |
14700 | -- Salvor Hardin | |
3dda02a9 | 14701 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14702 | Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the |
14703 | yard. | |
14704 | % | |
14705 | VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) | |
14706 | Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to | |
14707 | ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this | |
14708 | morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you | |
14709 | wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of | |
14710 | that old underwear you own. | |
14711 | % | |
14712 | VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) | |
14713 | You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is | |
14714 | sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and | |
14715 | sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus | |
14716 | drivers. | |
14717 | % | |
14718 | "Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from. | |
14719 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 14720 | Virtue is its own punishment. |
3dda02a9 | 14721 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14722 | Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving |
14723 | from where you left them to where you can't find them. | |
3dda02a9 | 14724 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 14725 | Vitamin C deficiency is apauling |
3dda02a9 | 14726 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14727 | VMS is like a nightmare about RXS-11M. |
14728 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 14729 | Vote anarchist |
3dda02a9 | 14730 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14731 | Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and |
14732 | TAX-DEFERRED! | |
14733 | % | |
14734 | VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES? | |
3dda02a9 | 14735 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 14736 | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14737 | \a\a\a\a *** System shutdown message from root *** |
14738 | ||
14739 | System going down in 60 seconds | |
14740 | ||
14741 | ||
3dda02a9 | 14742 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14743 | "Wagner's music is better than it sounds." |
14744 | -- Mark Twain | |
3dda02a9 | 14745 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14746 | Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" |
14747 | 1st customer: "I'll have tea." | |
14748 | 2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!" | |
14749 | (Waiter exits, returns) | |
14750 | Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?" | |
3dda02a9 | 14751 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14752 | Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser. |
14753 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14754 | War hath no fury like a non-combatant. |
14755 | -- Charles Edward Montague | |
3dda02a9 | 14756 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14757 | War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable. |
14758 | % | |
14759 | WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: | |
14760 | ||
14761 | Firings will continue until morale improves. | |
14762 | % | |
14763 | WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: | |
14764 | ||
14765 | Firings will continue until morale improves. | |
14766 | % | |
14767 | WARNING: | |
14768 | Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your | |
14769 | mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on | |
14770 | your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war. | |
14771 | % | |
14772 | Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for | |
14773 | those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking | |
14774 | up. | |
14775 | -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83 | |
14776 | % | |
14777 | Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with. | |
14778 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14779 | Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. |
14780 | -- John F. Kennedy | |
3dda02a9 | 14781 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14782 | Waste not, get your budget cut next year. |
14783 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 14784 | Wasting time is an important part of living. |
3dda02a9 | 14785 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14786 | Watson's Law: |
14787 | The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14788 | number and significance of any persons watching it. |
14789 | % | |
14790 | We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which | |
14791 | divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being | |
14792 | correct. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough. | |
14793 | -- Niels Bohr | |
14794 | % | |
14795 | We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. | |
14796 | -- Oscar Wilde | |
14797 | % | |
14798 | We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm. | |
14799 | -- Winston Churchill | |
3dda02a9 | 14800 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14801 | We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. |
14802 | -- Whole Earth Catalog | |
3dda02a9 | 14803 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14804 | We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. |
14805 | -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo" | |
3dda02a9 | 14806 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14807 | We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to |
14808 | socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The | |
14809 | bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say | |
14810 | socialism? | |
14811 | -- Fidel Castro | |
14812 | % | |
14813 | "We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last | |
14814 | theorem." | |
14815 | -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 | |
14816 | % | |
14817 | "We are upping our standards ... so up yours." | |
14818 | -- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988. | |
14819 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 14820 | We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved. |
3dda02a9 | 14821 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14822 | We can predict everything, except the future. |
14823 | % | |
14824 | We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is | |
14825 | deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead. | |
14826 | -- James E. Day, Postmaster General | |
14827 | % | |
14828 | "We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!" | |
14829 | -- Vroomfondel | |
14830 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 14831 | "We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company." |
3dda02a9 | 14832 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14833 | We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a |
14834 | fish. | |
14835 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14836 | We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the |
14837 | hardware, but we can *___\b\b\bsee* the blinking lights! | |
3dda02a9 | 14838 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14839 | We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids? |
14840 | -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission | |
14841 | % | |
14842 | "We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an | |
14843 | hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down | |
14844 | mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on | |
14845 | our grave singing Haleleuia ..." | |
14846 | -- Monty Python | |
14847 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14848 | We have met the enemy, and he is us. |
14849 | -- Walt Kelly | |
3dda02a9 | 14850 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14851 | We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get |
14852 | back to normal, and that they already have. | |
14853 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14854 | "We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his |
14855 | hands for masturbation." | |
14856 | -- Lily Tomlin | |
3dda02a9 | 14857 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14858 | We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an |
14859 | official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death | |
14860 | Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish | |
14861 | you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that | |
14862 | said "ELECTROCUTION". | |
14863 | ||
14864 | Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your | |
14865 | teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing | |
14866 | process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a | |
14867 | couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways | |
14868 | out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste | |
14869 | stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom | |
14870 | floor, which is how the police would find you. | |
14871 | ||
14872 | You know the kind of flu I'm talking about. | |
14873 | -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" | |
14874 | % | |
14875 | We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all | |
14876 | purely intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start | |
14877 | with? Many people think that a very abstract activity, like the | |
14878 | playing of chess, would be best. It can also be maintained that it is | |
14879 | best to provide the machine with the best sense organs that money can | |
14880 | buy, and then teach it to understand and speak English. | |
14881 | -- Alan M. Turing | |
14882 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14883 | We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always |
14884 | respect their good judgement. | |
3dda02a9 | 14885 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14886 | We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass |
14887 | no matter how self-seeking. | |
14888 | -- F. G. Withington | |
3dda02a9 | 14889 | % |
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14890 | We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago |
14891 | people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult. | |
14892 | For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had | |
14893 | to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare | |
14894 | fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with | |
14895 | primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how | |
14896 | ugly paneling is to begin with. | |
14897 | -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" | |
14898 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14899 | We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best |
14900 | friends are trying to kill us. | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14901 | % |
14902 | We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. | |
14903 | But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle | |
14904 | Haggard song at a French restaurant. ... | |
14905 | I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of | |
14906 | her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I | |
14907 | had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone | |
14908 | told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was | |
14909 | lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he | |
14910 | fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing | |
14911 | what men must do. ... | |
14912 | "Stop the car," the girl said. There was a look of terrible | |
14913 | sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew | |
14914 | not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a | |
14915 | quiet and peace I will never forget. | |
14916 | "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the | |
14917 | tollway belle's for thee." | |
14918 | The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was | |
14919 | a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I | |
14920 | poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day. | |
14921 | -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway | |
14922 | Competition | |
3dda02a9 | 14923 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14924 | We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one |
14925 | technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter. | |
3dda02a9 | 14926 | % |
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14927 | we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love, |
14928 | we will cry over things we used to laugh & | |
14929 | our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile | |
14930 | creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then & | |
14931 | in the end a summer with wild winds & | |
14932 | new friends will be. | |
14933 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14934 | We wish you a Hare Krishna |
14935 | We wish you a Hare Krishna | |
14936 | We wish you a Hare Krishna | |
14937 | And a Sun Myung Moon! | |
14938 | -- Maxwell Smart | |
3dda02a9 | 14939 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
14940 | "We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later." |
14941 | % | |
14942 | We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from | |
14943 | the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging | |
14944 | you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right | |
14945 | in his bowl full of jelly. | |
14946 | -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" | |
14947 | % | |
14948 | We're only in it for the volume. | |
14949 | -- Black Sabbath | |
14950 | % | |
14951 | We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center | |
14952 | of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, | |
14953 | but for some reason nobody's ever done it. | |
14954 | -- Andy Rooney | |
14955 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14956 | Weiler's Law: |
14957 | Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it | |
fcf2a2a2 | 14958 | himself. |
3dda02a9 | 14959 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14960 | Weinberg's First Law: |
14961 | Progress is made on alternate Fridays. | |
3dda02a9 | 14962 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14963 | Weinberg's Principle: |
14964 | An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while | |
fcf2a2a2 | 14965 | sweeping on to the grand fallacy. |
3dda02a9 | 14966 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14967 | Weinberg's Second Law: |
14968 | If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, | |
fcf2a2a2 | 14969 | then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. |
3dda02a9 | 14970 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14971 | Weiner's Law of Libraries: |
14972 | There are no answers, only cross references. | |
3dda02a9 | 14973 | % |
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14974 | Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. He'll come in handy if |
14975 | you run out of food. | |
14976 | -- Dean McLaughlin. | |
14977 | % | |
14978 | Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a | |
14979 | lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a | |
14980 | governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the | |
14981 | reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top | |
14982 | contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men | |
14983 | will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the | |
14984 | most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and | |
14985 | appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday | |
14986 | morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit | |
14987 | interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a | |
14988 | guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through | |
14989 | the entire show without answering a single question ... | |
14990 | -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" | |
14991 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14992 | Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them |
14993 | back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, | |
14994 | or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they | |
14995 | they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off. | |
14996 | -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile | |
3dda02a9 | 14997 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
14998 | "Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___\b\b\bcan* |
14999 | you believe?!" | |
15000 | -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward] | |
3dda02a9 | 15001 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15002 | Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail, |
15003 | And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail; | |
15004 | I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues, | |
15005 | I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. | |
15006 | ||
15007 | If you think that it's nice that you get what you C, | |
15008 | Then go : illogical statement with your whole family, | |
15009 | 'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views. | |
15010 | I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. | |
15011 | ||
15012 | On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze, | |
15013 | But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze. | |
15014 | Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse, | |
15015 | I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. | |
15016 | -- Core Dumped Blues | |
3dda02a9 | 15017 | % |
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15018 | "Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?" |
15019 | ||
15020 | "Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ... | |
15021 | coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero." | |
15022 | -- Dr. Who | |
15023 | % | |
15024 | "Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is | |
15025 | no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five | |
15026 | hundred." | |
15027 | -- The Mahabharata. | |
3dda02a9 | 15028 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15029 | Westheimer's Discovery: |
15030 | A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a | |
fcf2a2a2 | 15031 | couple of hours in the library. |
3dda02a9 | 15032 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15033 | Wethern's Law: |
15034 | Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. | |
3dda02a9 | 15035 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15036 | "What are we going to do?" |
15037 | ||
15038 | "Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking for | |
15039 | something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a | |
15040 | short initiation period." | |
3dda02a9 | 15041 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15042 | "What are you doing?" |
15043 | ||
15044 | "Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something | |
15045 | that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short | |
15046 | initiation period." | |
3dda02a9 | 15047 | % |
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15048 | What color is a chameleon on a mirror? |
15049 | % | |
15050 | "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty | |
15051 | teenager asked her mother. | |
15052 | "Encouragement, dear," she replied. | |
15053 | % | |
15054 | What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"? | |
3dda02a9 | 15055 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 15056 | What does it mean if there is no fortune for you? |
3dda02a9 | 15057 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 15058 | What garlic is to food, insanity is to art. |
3dda02a9 | 15059 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 15060 | What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. |
3dda02a9 | 15061 | % |
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15062 | "What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so |
15063 | that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our | |
15064 | country. Nice try anyway, George." | |
15065 | -- D.J. on KSFO/KYA | |
15066 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15067 | What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the |
15068 | entrance? | |
3dda02a9 | 15069 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15070 | What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow |
15071 | in his footsteps? | |
3dda02a9 | 15072 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15073 | What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower |
15074 | stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed | |
15075 | barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character | |
15076 | from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of | |
15077 | while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our | |
15078 | dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up | |
15079 | powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the | |
15080 | bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any | |
15081 | one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact | |
15082 | lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where | |
15083 | you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah", | |
15084 | if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with | |
15085 | that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it; | |
15086 | they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to | |
15087 | flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them. | |
15088 | -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" | |
15089 | % | |
15090 | What I tell you three times is true. | |
15091 | % | |
15092 | "What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty- | |
15093 | sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up | |
15094 | with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always | |
15095 | came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at | |
15096 | parties. | |
15097 | -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" | |
15098 | % | |
15099 | What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility. | |
15100 | % | |
15101 | "What I've done, of course, is total garbage." | |
15102 | -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a | |
15103 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15104 | What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I |
15105 | definitely overpaid for my carpet. | |
15106 | -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" | |
3dda02a9 | 15107 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15108 | What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's |
15109 | worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? | |
15110 | -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" | |
3dda02a9 | 15111 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15112 | What is a magician but a practising theorist? |
15113 | -- Obi-Wan Kenobi | |
3dda02a9 | 15114 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15115 | What is mind? No matter. |
15116 | What is matter? Never mind. | |
15117 | -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875 | |
3dda02a9 | 15118 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15119 | What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern |
15120 | computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest | |
15121 | and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak. | |
3dda02a9 | 15122 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15123 | "What is the Nature of God?" |
15124 | ||
15125 | CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!= | |
15126 | 1 QT. SOUR CREAM | |
15127 | 1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT | |
15128 | 1/2 CUT CHIVES. | |
15129 | STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS. | |
15130 | ||
15131 | "I've just GOT to start labeling my software..." | |
15132 | -- Bloom County | |
15133 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15134 | "What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?" |
15135 | -- Bertold Brecht | |
3dda02a9 | 15136 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15137 | "What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, |
15138 | which is the exact opposite." | |
15139 | -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928 | |
3dda02a9 | 15140 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 15141 | What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do. |
3dda02a9 | 15142 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15143 | What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing |
15144 | to compare it with. | |
3dda02a9 | 15145 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15146 | What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism. |
15147 | It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books | |
15148 | and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes | |
15149 | and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes, | |
15150 | women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate | |
15151 | mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige | |
15152 | and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort." | |
15153 | -- Susan Gordon | |
3dda02a9 | 15154 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15155 | What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? |
15156 | -- Ursula K. LeGuin | |
3dda02a9 | 15157 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 15158 | What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket. |
3dda02a9 | 15159 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 15160 | What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away. |
3dda02a9 | 15161 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15162 | What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener. |
15163 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15164 | What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent |
15165 | bagel. | |
3dda02a9 | 15166 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 15167 | What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. |
3dda02a9 | 15168 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 15169 | What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING! |
3dda02a9 | 15170 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15171 | What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer. |
15172 | % | |
15173 | What this country needs is a good five cent nickel. | |
15174 | % | |
15175 | What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon. | |
15176 | % | |
15177 | What this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon. | |
3dda02a9 | 15178 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15179 | What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? |
15180 | -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" | |
3dda02a9 | 15181 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15182 | What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which |
15183 | nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday | |
15184 | Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space- | |
15185 | launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just | |
15186 | remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual | |
15187 | process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still | |
15188 | be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed. | |
15189 | -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" | |
15190 | % | |
15191 | What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it. | |
15192 | % | |
15193 | "What's another word for Thesaurus?" | |
15194 | -- Steven Wright | |
15195 | % | |
15196 | "What's that thing?" | |
15197 | "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in | |
15198 | computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what | |
15199 | it does. We call it a two-by-four." | |
15200 | -- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe" | |
15201 | % | |
15202 | "What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?" | |
15203 | -- Dr. Who | |
15204 | % | |
15205 | "What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?" | |
15206 | -- The Doctor | |
15207 | % | |
15208 | Whatever became of eternal truth? | |
3dda02a9 | 15209 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15210 | Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for |
15211 | cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils | |
15212 | as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding | |
15213 | hundred dollar bills." | |
15214 | -- Herb Caen | |
3dda02a9 | 15215 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15216 | Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not |
15217 | nailed down. | |
15218 | -- Collis P. Huntingdon | |
3dda02a9 | 15219 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15220 | "Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not |
15221 | cockroaches!" | |
15222 | -- Mom | |
3dda02a9 | 15223 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15224 | When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the |
15225 | money is. | |
15226 | -- Robespierre | |
3dda02a9 | 15227 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15228 | When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the |
15229 | thing," it's the money. | |
15230 | -- Kim Hubbard | |
3dda02a9 | 15231 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15232 | When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half |
15233 | loop? | |
3dda02a9 | 15234 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15235 | When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is |
15236 | not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space | |
15237 | travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. | |
15238 | -- Robert Heinlein | |
3dda02a9 | 15239 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15240 | When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the |
15241 | sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain | |
15242 | relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. | |
15243 | -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle | |
15244 | Maintenance" | |
3dda02a9 | 15245 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 15246 | When all other means of communication fail, try words. |
3dda02a9 | 15247 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15248 | "When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo |
15249 | tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?" | |
15250 | -- Reuben Flagg | |
15251 | % | |
15252 | When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before | |
15253 | the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours." | |
15254 | -- Vine Deloria, Jr. | |
15255 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15256 | When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, I |
15257 | think it was a Tuesday. | |
3dda02a9 | 15258 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15259 | When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to |
15260 | guarantee them. | |
15261 | % | |
15262 | "When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great | |
15263 | parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if | |
15264 | I'm leaving." | |
15265 | -- Steven Wright | |
15266 | % | |
15267 | When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a | |
15268 | year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire | |
15269 | winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. | |
15270 | -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" | |
15271 | % | |
15272 | When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young | |
15273 | ladies, and, of course, the goat. | |
15274 | % | |
15275 | When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now | |
15276 | I'm beginning to believe it. | |
15277 | -- Clarence Darrow | |
15278 | % | |
15279 | When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you | |
15280 | take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come | |
15281 | and get you." | |
15282 | -- Jerry Lewis | |
15283 | % | |
15284 | "When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any | |
15285 | firearms with me. I said, `Well, what do you need?'" | |
15286 | -- Steven Wright | |
15287 | % | |
15288 | When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into | |
15289 | the soul of the boy sitting next to me. | |
15290 | -- Woody Allen | |
15291 | % | |
15292 | When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an | |
15293 | act of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A | |
15294 | group of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a | |
15295 | six-year-old. "It is always so," my mother said. "You do things | |
15296 | together which not one of you would think of doing alone." ... | |
15297 | Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective | |
15298 | responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. The military | |
15299 | establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have | |
15300 | been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things | |
15301 | together which nobody in his right mind would do alone. | |
15302 | -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope" | |
15303 | % | |
15304 | When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened | |
15305 | or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I | |
15306 | cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to | |
15307 | go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. | |
15308 | -- Mark Twain | |
15309 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 15310 | When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess. |
3dda02a9 | 15311 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15312 | "When in doubt, tell the truth." |
15313 | -- Mark Twain | |
3dda02a9 | 15314 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15315 | When in doubt, use brute force. |
15316 | -- Ken Thompson | |
3dda02a9 | 15317 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15318 | When in panic, fear and doubt, |
15319 | Drink in barrels, eat, and shout. | |
15320 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15321 | When love is gone, there's always justice. |
15322 | And when justice is gone, there's always force. | |
15323 | And when force is gone, there's always Mom. | |
15324 | Hi, Mom! | |
15325 | -- Laurie Anderson | |
3dda02a9 | 15326 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15327 | When Marriage is Outlawed, |
15328 | Only Outlaws will have Inlaws. | |
15329 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15330 | When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment |
15331 | results. | |
15332 | -- Calvin Coolidge | |
3dda02a9 | 15333 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15334 | When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony |
15335 | concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- | |
15336 | and I find I mind it less and less." | |
15337 | -- Louise Andrews Kent | |
15338 | % | |
15339 | When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: | |
15340 | for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when | |
15341 | your boss is away and you get twice as much done. | |
15342 | -- Daniel B. Luten | |
15343 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15344 | When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only |
15345 | say what I wish done," give him a lollipop. | |
3dda02a9 | 15346 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15347 | "When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical" |
15348 | -- Jon Carroll | |
15349 | % | |
15350 | When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you | |
15351 | modify the problem, not the remedy. | |
15352 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15353 | When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, |
15354 | the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a | |
15355 | nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____\b\b\b\bthat. | |
15356 | -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" | |
3dda02a9 | 15357 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15358 | When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is |
15359 | metaphysics. | |
15360 | -- Voltaire | |
15361 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15362 | When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the |
15363 | stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them | |
15364 | from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones | |
15365 | were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the | |
15366 | corners as bodies of a lower grade ... | |
15367 | -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" | |
3dda02a9 | 15368 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15369 | When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the |
15370 | plane will fly. | |
15371 | -- Donald Douglas | |
3dda02a9 | 15372 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15373 | When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most |
15374 | insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are | |
15375 | required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and | |
15376 | exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. | |
15377 | -- George Bernard Shaw | |
3dda02a9 | 15378 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15379 | When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is |
15380 | not hereditary. | |
15381 | -- Thomas Paine | |
3dda02a9 | 15382 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15383 | When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before -- |
15384 | except our fingertips will have been singed. | |
15385 | -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 | |
15386 | % | |
15387 | When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of | |
15388 | investigation of a topic, it is well to gave the answer firmly in hand, | |
15389 | so that you can proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or | |
15390 | swayed, directly to the goal. | |
15391 | -- Amrom Katz | |
15392 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 15393 | "When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut." |
3dda02a9 | 15394 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15395 | When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly. |
15396 | % | |
15397 | When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship. | |
15398 | -- Harry Truman | |
15399 | % | |
15400 | When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure | |
15401 | clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer | |
15402 | to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively. | |
15403 | In a way, the next move is up to him. | |
15404 | -- R. A. Lafferty | |
3dda02a9 | 15405 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15406 | "When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite." |
15407 | -- Winston Curchill, On formal declarations of war | |
3dda02a9 | 15408 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15409 | When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by |
15410 | asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't | |
15411 | know the answer either. | |
15412 | -- Edgar R. Fiedler | |
15413 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15414 | When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. |
15415 | -- The Wall Street Journal | |
3dda02a9 | 15416 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15417 | When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the |
15418 | impression you will make. | |
15419 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15420 | When you're away, I'm restless, lonely, |
15421 | Wretched, bored, dejected; only | |
15422 | Here's the rub, my darling dear | |
15423 | I feel the same when you are near. | |
15424 | -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away" | |
3dda02a9 | 15425 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 15426 | When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN. |
3dda02a9 | 15427 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15428 | Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really". |
15429 | -- Dave Parnas | |
15430 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15431 | Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to |
15432 | see it tried on him personally. | |
15433 | -- A. Lincoln | |
3dda02a9 | 15434 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 15435 | Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. |
fcf2a2a2 | 15436 | -- Oscar Wilde |
3dda02a9 | 15437 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15438 | Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last |
15439 | you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his | |
15440 | Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. | |
15441 | -- Mark Twain | |
15442 | "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court" | |
3dda02a9 | 15443 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15444 | Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time |
15445 | to reform. | |
15446 | -- Mark Twain | |
3dda02a9 | 15447 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15448 | WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE |
15449 | ||
15450 | Oh, dear, where can the matter be | |
15451 | When it's converted to energy? | |
15452 | There is a slight loss of parity. | |
15453 | Johnny's so long at the fair. | |
15454 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15455 | Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what |
15456 | is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. | |
15457 | -- John Kenneth Galbraith | |
3dda02a9 | 15458 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 15459 | Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax. |
3dda02a9 | 15460 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15461 | Whether you can hear it or not |
15462 | The Universe is laughing behind your back | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15463 | -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" |
15464 | % | |
15465 | Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares? | |
15466 | % | |
15467 | While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is | |
15468 | admission to someone else. | |
3dda02a9 | 15469 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15470 | While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, |
15471 | The fate of empires and the fall of kings; | |
15472 | While quacks of State must each produce his plan, | |
15473 | And even children lisp the Rights of Man; | |
15474 | Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, | |
15475 | The Rights of Woman merit some attention. | |
15476 | -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", | |
15477 | November 26, 1792 | |
3dda02a9 | 15478 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15479 | While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several. |
15480 | % | |
15481 | While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't | |
15482 | keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove. | |
15483 | -- Edward Stevenson | |
3dda02a9 | 15484 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15485 | While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own |
15486 | form of misery. | |
3dda02a9 | 15487 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15488 | While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining |
15489 | position. | |
3dda02a9 | 15490 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15491 | While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their |
15492 | correctness never does. | |
3dda02a9 | 15493 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15494 | While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very |
15495 | reassuring to know that it's still there. | |
3dda02a9 | 15496 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15497 | While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are |
15498 | safe, for you can watch both of his. | |
15499 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 15500 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15501 | Whistler's Law: |
15502 | You never know who is right, but you always know who is in | |
fcf2a2a2 | 15503 | charge. |
3dda02a9 | 15504 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15505 | "Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new |
15506 | Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ..." | |
3dda02a9 | 15507 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15508 | Who made the world I cannot tell; |
15509 | 'Tis made, and here am I in hell. | |
15510 | My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, | |
15511 | I never soiled with such a deed. | |
15512 | -- A. E. Housman | |
3dda02a9 | 15513 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15514 | Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot? |
15515 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 15516 | Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink? |
3dda02a9 | 15517 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15518 | Who's on first? |
15519 | % | |
15520 | "Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school. | |
15521 | -- George Ade | |
15522 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 15523 | Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad. |
3dda02a9 | 15524 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15525 | Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising. |
15526 | % | |
15527 | "Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could | |
15528 | have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing." | |
15529 | -- Ian Shoales | |
15530 | % | |
15531 | "Why be a man when you can be a success?" | |
15532 | -- Bertold Brecht | |
15533 | % | |
15534 | Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we | |
15535 | have? | |
15536 | % | |
15537 | Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else? | |
15538 | % | |
15539 | Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to | |
15540 | avoid responsibility with? | |
15541 | % | |
15542 | Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office | |
15543 | automation? | |
15544 | % | |
15545 | Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with. | |
15546 | % | |
15547 | Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently | |
15548 | there must be a beverage. | |
15549 | -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" | |
15550 | % | |
15551 | Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have | |
15552 | more lawyers? | |
15553 | ||
15554 | New Jersey had first choice. | |
15555 | % | |
15556 | Why don't elephants eat penguins ? | |
15557 | ||
15558 | Because they can't get the wrappers off ... | |
3dda02a9 | 15559 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15560 | Why I Can't Go Out With You: |
15561 | ||
15562 | I'd LOVE to, but ... | |
15563 | -- I have to floss my cat. | |
15564 | -- I've dedicated my life to linguini. | |
15565 | -- I need to spend more time with my blender. | |
15566 | -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. | |
15567 | -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish. | |
15568 | -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves. | |
15569 | -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. | |
15570 | -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. | |
15571 | -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist. | |
15572 | -- I have some really hard words to look up. | |
15573 | -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. | |
15574 | -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps. | |
3dda02a9 | 15575 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15576 | "Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is |
15577 | because we are not the person involved" | |
15578 | -- Mark Twain | |
3dda02a9 | 15579 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15580 | Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? |
15581 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15582 | "Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?" |
15583 | -- Lily Tomlin | |
3dda02a9 | 15584 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15585 | "Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love |
15586 | you knowing nothing?" | |
15587 | -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions | |
15588 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15589 | Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year? |
15590 | Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your | |
15591 | children open their old-fashioned presents. | |
15592 | ||
15593 | Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?" | |
15594 | ||
15595 | You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it | |
15596 | falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!" | |
15597 | ||
15598 | Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer | |
15599 | with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory, | |
15600 | and I get this cretin TOP?" | |
15601 | ||
15602 | Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this." | |
15603 | ||
15604 | You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!" | |
15605 | ||
15606 | Daughter: "It looks like goat barf." | |
15607 | -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" | |
3dda02a9 | 15608 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15609 | "Why was I born with such contemporaries?" |
15610 | -- Oscar Wilde | |
3dda02a9 | 15611 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15612 | Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office: |
15613 | No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee, | |
15614 | when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your | |
15615 | direction, and almost none will be returned to the source. | |
15616 | -- John L. Shelton | |
15617 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15618 | Wiker's Law: |
15619 | Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. | |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15620 | % |
15621 | William Safire's Rules for Writers: | |
15622 | ||
15623 | Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never | |
15624 | be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to | |
15625 | agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words | |
15626 | out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal | |
15627 | of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must | |
15628 | not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a | |
15629 | conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a | |
15630 | sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as | |
15631 | close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more | |
15632 | words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles | |
15633 | must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a | |
15634 | linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing | |
15635 | metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should | |
15636 | be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their | |
15637 | writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows | |
15638 | the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek | |
15639 | viable alternatives. | |
3dda02a9 | 15640 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15641 | Williams and Holland's Law: |
15642 | If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by | |
fcf2a2a2 | 15643 | statistical methods. |
3dda02a9 | 15644 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15645 | Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as |
15646 | it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. | |
3dda02a9 | 15647 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15648 | Wit, n.: |
15649 | The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery | |
15650 | ... by leaving it out. | |
15651 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 15652 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15653 | With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I |
15654 | try to be a fraud and a half. | |
15655 | -- Otto von Bismark | |
15656 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15657 | With a rubber duck, one's never alone. |
15658 | -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" | |
3dda02a9 | 15659 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15660 | With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once |
15661 | build a nuclear balm? | |
3dda02a9 | 15662 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15663 | With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand |
15664 | miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and | |
15665 | still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no | |
15666 | such thing as progress. | |
15667 | -- Ransom K. Ferm | |
3dda02a9 | 15668 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 15669 | Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless. |
3dda02a9 | 15670 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15671 | Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection: |
15672 | (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it. | |
15673 | (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete. | |
15674 | (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2) | |
15675 | (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a | |
15676 | VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator. | |
15677 | (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless. | |
15678 | -- Rich Kulawiec | |
15679 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15680 | Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If |
15681 | you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut | |
15682 | down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that | |
15683 | tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with | |
15684 | long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit | |
15685 | there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you | |
15686 | come back. | |
15687 | ||
15688 | Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, | |
15689 | when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. | |
15690 | Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the | |
15691 | cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood | |
15692 | heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately | |
15693 | beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made, | |
15694 | and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, | |
15695 | although their insurance rates went way up. | |
15696 | -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" | |
3dda02a9 | 15697 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15698 | Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation): |
15699 | We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage | |
15700 | any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you | |
15701 | should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, | |
15702 | and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we | |
15703 | bargained for. | |
15704 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15705 | Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your |
15706 | chairs. | |
3dda02a9 | 15707 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15708 | World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced |
15709 | dress code! | |
15710 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15711 | Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: |
15712 | August. The lines are the shortest, though. | |
15713 | -- Steve Rubenstein | |
3dda02a9 | 15714 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15715 | Worst Month of the Year: |
15716 | February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if | |
15717 | you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't | |
15718 | get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. | |
15719 | -- Steve Rubenstein | |
3dda02a9 | 15720 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15721 | Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985: |
15722 | From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved | |
15723 | in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs | |
15724 | damage my videotapes?" | |
15725 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15726 | Worst Vegetable of the Year: |
15727 | The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next | |
15728 | year. | |
15729 | -- Steve Rubenstein | |
3dda02a9 | 15730 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15731 | "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" |
15732 | ||
15733 | "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat | |
15734 | -- Lewis Carrol | |
3dda02a9 | 15735 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15736 | "Wouldn't the sentence 'I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish |
15737 | and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign' have been clearer | |
15738 | if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and | |
15739 | and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and | |
15740 | and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips?" | |
15741 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15742 | Write-Protect Tab, n.: |
15743 | A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly | |
15744 | left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error | |
15745 | message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the | |
15746 | momentary inconvenience. | |
15747 | -- Robb Russon | |
3dda02a9 | 15748 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15749 | Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. |
15750 | -- Frank Zappa | |
3dda02a9 | 15751 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15752 | "Wrong," said Renner. |
15753 | ||
15754 | "The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with | |
15755 | the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'" | |
3dda02a9 | 15756 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15757 | X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the |
15758 | imagination is the plot. | |
3dda02a9 | 15759 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15760 | Xerox does it again and again and again and ... |
15761 | % | |
15762 | Xerox never comes up with anything original. | |
15763 | % | |
15764 | XIIdigitation, n.: | |
15765 | The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made | |
15766 | by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits. | |
15767 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" | |
15768 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15769 | "Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have |
15770 | goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in | |
15771 | their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating | |
15772 | unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my | |
15773 | doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right. | |
15774 | -- S. C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements" | |
3dda02a9 | 15775 | % |
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15776 | Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall |
15777 | fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic | |
15778 | operators together. | |
15779 | -- Steve Higgins | |
15780 | % | |
15781 | "Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context." | |
15782 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15783 | Year, n.: |
15784 | A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. | |
15785 | -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
3dda02a9 | 15786 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 15787 | Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache. |
3dda02a9 | 15788 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 15789 | Yes, but which self do you want to be? |
3dda02a9 | 15790 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15791 | Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still |
15792 | be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. | |
15793 | -- Snoopy | |
3dda02a9 | 15794 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15795 | Yesterday upon the stair |
15796 | I met a man who wasn't there. | |
15797 | He wasn't there again today -- | |
15798 | I think he's from the CIA. | |
3dda02a9 | 15799 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15800 | Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again. |
15801 | -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" | |
3dda02a9 | 15802 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15803 | Yinkel, n.: |
15804 | A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one | |
15805 | will notice. | |
15806 | -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" | |
3dda02a9 | 15807 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15808 | You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are. |
15809 | % | |
15810 | You are here: | |
15811 | *** | |
15812 | *** | |
15813 | ********* | |
15814 | ******* | |
15815 | ***** | |
15816 | *** | |
15817 | * | |
15818 | ||
15819 | But you're not all there. | |
15820 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15821 | "You are old, Father William," the young man said, |
15822 | "All your papers these days look the same; | |
15823 | Those William's would be better unread -- | |
15824 | Do these facts never fill you with shame?" | |
15825 | ||
15826 | "In my youth," Father William replied to his son, | |
15827 | "I wrote wonderful papers galore; | |
15828 | But the great reputation I found that I'd won, | |
15829 | Made it pointless to think any more." | |
3dda02a9 | 15830 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15831 | "You are old, father William," the young man said, |
15832 | "And your hair has become very white; | |
15833 | And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- | |
15834 | Do you think, at your age, it is right?" | |
15835 | ||
15836 | "In my youth," father William replied to his son, | |
15837 | "I feared it might injure the brain; | |
15838 | But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, | |
15839 | Why, I do it again and again." | |
15840 | -- Lewis Carrol | |
3dda02a9 | 15841 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15842 | "You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers |
15843 | That your lectures bore people to death. | |
15844 | Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year -- | |
15845 | Don't you think that you should save your breath?" | |
15846 | ||
15847 | "I have answered three questions and that is enough," | |
15848 | Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs! | |
15849 | Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? | |
15850 | Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!" | |
3dda02a9 | 15851 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15852 | "You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak |
15853 | For anything tougher than suet; | |
15854 | Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak -- | |
15855 | Pray, how did you manage to do it?" | |
15856 | ||
15857 | "In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, | |
15858 | And argued each case with my wife; | |
15859 | And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw, | |
15860 | Has lasted the rest of my life." | |
15861 | -- Lewis Carrol | |
3dda02a9 | 15862 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15863 | "You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run, |
15864 | And there isn't one language you like; | |
15865 | Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none -- | |
15866 | Have you thought about taking a hike?" | |
15867 | ||
15868 | "Since I never write programs," his father replied, | |
15869 | "Every language looks equally bad; | |
15870 | Yet the people keep paying to read all my books | |
15871 | And don't realize that they've been had." | |
3dda02a9 | 15872 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15873 | "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, |
15874 | And have grown most uncommonly fat; | |
15875 | Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -- | |
15876 | Pray what is the reason of that?" | |
15877 | ||
15878 | "In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, | |
15879 | "I kept all my limbs very supple | |
15880 | By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box -- | |
15881 | Allow me to sell you a couple?" | |
15882 | -- Lewis Carrol | |
3dda02a9 | 15883 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15884 | "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, |
15885 | And make errors few people could bear; | |
15886 | You complain about everyone's English but yours -- | |
15887 | Do you really think this is quite fair?" | |
15888 | ||
15889 | "I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared, | |
15890 | "But my stature these days is so great | |
15891 | That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared, | |
15892 | And to stop me it's now far too late." | |
3dda02a9 | 15893 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15894 | "You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose |
15895 | That your eye was as steady as ever; | |
15896 | Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -- | |
15897 | What made you so awfully clever?" | |
15898 | ||
15899 | "I have answered three questions, and that is enough," | |
15900 | Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs! | |
15901 | Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? | |
15902 | Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!" | |
15903 | -- Lewis Carrol | |
3dda02a9 | 15904 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 15905 | You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. |
3dda02a9 | 15906 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15907 | You are the only person to ever get this message. |
15908 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15909 | You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading |
15910 | this sort of trash. | |
3dda02a9 | 15911 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15912 | You buttered your bread, now lie in it. |
15913 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15914 | You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting |
15915 | incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail. | |
15916 | Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable | |
15917 | to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because | |
15918 | nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes | |
15919 | they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year; | |
15920 | some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years. | |
15921 | ||
15922 | The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then | |
15923 | pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear | |
15924 | safety glasses. | |
15925 | -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" | |
3dda02a9 | 15926 | % |
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15927 | "You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it |
15928 | doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on." | |
15929 | -- Hepler, Systems Design 182 | |
15930 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15931 | You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior |
15932 | executive. | |
3dda02a9 | 15933 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15934 | "You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. |
15935 | Why do you find that funny?" | |
15936 | -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350 | |
15937 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15938 | You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you |
15939 | can with just a kind word. | |
15940 | -- Bumper Sticker | |
3dda02a9 | 15941 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15942 | You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, |
15943 | for instance. | |
15944 | -- Franklin P. Jones | |
15945 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 15946 | You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular. |
3dda02a9 | 15947 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15948 | You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on |
15949 | the continuing viability of FORTRAN. | |
15950 | -- Alan Perlis | |
3dda02a9 | 15951 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15952 | You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. |
15953 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15954 | You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding |
15955 | decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left | |
15956 | over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart. | |
15957 | -- F. Allen | |
3dda02a9 | 15958 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15959 | You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of |
15960 | supercomputers. | |
15961 | -- Steven Feiner | |
3dda02a9 | 15962 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 15963 | You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. |
3dda02a9 | 15964 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15965 | "You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename." |
15966 | -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454 | |
3dda02a9 | 15967 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 15968 | You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks. |
3dda02a9 | 15969 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15970 | "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" |
15971 | -- Steven Wright | |
15972 | % | |
15973 | You can't hold a man down without staying down with him. | |
15974 | -- Booker T. Washington | |
15975 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 15976 | You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair. |
3dda02a9 | 15977 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15978 | "You can't make a program without broken egos." |
15979 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15980 | You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic |
15981 | enough worrying about what's happening now. | |
15982 | -- Lauren Bacall | |
3dda02a9 | 15983 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15984 | "You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten." |
15985 | -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and | |
15986 | Over and Over" | |
15987 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15988 | "You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they |
15989 | don't." | |
15990 | -- Dagwood Bumstead | |
3dda02a9 | 15991 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
15992 | You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. |
15993 | % | |
15994 | You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. | |
15995 | % | |
15996 | You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. | |
15997 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
15998 | You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first |
15999 | and last month in advance. | |
3dda02a9 | 16000 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
16001 | You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable |
16002 | doubt. | |
16003 | -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict | |
3dda02a9 | 16004 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
16005 | You do not have mail. |
16006 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
16007 | You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. |
16008 | -- J. D. Salinger | |
3dda02a9 | 16009 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
16010 | You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting |
16011 | needles. | |
16012 | -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food | |
3dda02a9 | 16013 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
16014 | You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. |
16015 | The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified", | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
16016 | which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears |
16017 | tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last | |
16018 | names. Here's the complete text: | |
16019 | ||
fcf2a2a2 KB |
16020 | "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT) |
16021 | "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT) | |
16022 | "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
16023 | send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF |
16024 | THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME) | |
16025 | household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way | |
16026 | you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST | |
16027 | NAME), that it pays to file the short form!" | |
16028 | ||
16029 | The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your | |
16030 | money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long | |
16031 | form. | |
16032 | -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" | |
3dda02a9 | 16033 | % |
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16034 | You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers. |
16035 | % | |
16036 | You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More-- | |
16037 | ||
16038 | This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More-- | |
16039 | ||
16040 | You are permanently confused. | |
16041 | -- Dave Decot | |
16042 | % | |
16043 | You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to | |
16044 | metal objects which are not fastened down. | |
16045 | % | |
16046 | You have junk mail. | |
16047 | % | |
16048 | You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets | |
16049 | wrinkled. | |
16050 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
16051 | You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot |
16052 | today. | |
3dda02a9 | 16053 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
16054 | You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes |
16055 | you wore home from the party and there aren't any. | |
16056 | % | |
16057 | You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens | |
16058 | anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night, | |
16059 | you can always change the channel. | |
16060 | -- Jim Ignatowski | |
16061 | % | |
16062 | You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo. | |
16063 | -- S. Rickly Christian | |
16064 | % | |
16065 | You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car. | |
16066 | -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82 | |
16067 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
16068 | You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your |
16069 | friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it. | |
3dda02a9 | 16070 | % |
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16071 | You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi. |
16072 | % | |
16073 | "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon | |
16074 | airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in | |
16075 | deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me | |
16076 | when I was young!" | |
16077 | "Why, what did she tell you?" | |
16078 | "I don't know, I didn't listen!" | |
16079 | -- Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" | |
16080 | % | |
16081 | You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled. | |
16082 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 16083 | You may be recognized soon. Hide. |
3dda02a9 | 16084 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
16085 | You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he |
16086 | is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing. | |
16087 | -- Sydney Harris | |
16088 | % | |
16089 | You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with | |
16090 | him. | |
16091 | -- Ed Howe | |
16092 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
16093 | You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. |
16094 | -- Alfred Kahn | |
3dda02a9 | 16095 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
16096 | You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for |
16097 | success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits | |
16098 | or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume | |
16099 | party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World. | |
16100 | -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success" | |
3dda02a9 | 16101 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 16102 | You might have mail |
3dda02a9 | 16103 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
16104 | "You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable |
16105 | proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do." | |
3dda02a9 | 16106 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
16107 | You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll |
16108 | be dead. | |
3dda02a9 | 16109 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
16110 | You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a |
16111 | reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating | |
16112 | the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for | |
16113 | independence. | |
16114 | -- Charles A. Beard | |
16115 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
16116 | You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the |
16117 | beach. | |
3dda02a9 | 16118 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
16119 | You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were |
16120 | you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare | |
16121 | yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the | |
16122 | company. | |
16123 | -- J. Wellington Wells | |
3dda02a9 | 16124 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 16125 | You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. |
3dda02a9 | 16126 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
16127 | You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could |
16128 | know how seldom they do. | |
16129 | -- Olin Miller. | |
16130 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
16131 | You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially |
16132 | if they are dead. | |
3dda02a9 | 16133 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
16134 | You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than |
16135 | about 10^12 to 1. | |
16136 | -- Ernest Rutherford | |
16137 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
16138 | You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for |
16139 | freedom and liberty. | |
fcf2a2a2 | 16140 | -- Henrik Ibson |
3dda02a9 | 16141 | % |
58fe6ef4 KB |
16142 | You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, |
16143 | contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from | |
16144 | houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many | |
16145 | scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the | |
16146 | summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day, | |
16147 | you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist | |
16148 | sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily. | |
16149 | -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" | |
3dda02a9 | 16150 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
16151 | You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name, |
16152 | another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and | |
16153 | another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms | |
16154 | such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In | |
16155 | many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money. | |
16156 | If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you | |
16157 | should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate | |
16158 | for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it | |
16159 | because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially | |
16160 | chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit. | |
16161 | ||
16162 | In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his | |
16163 | hemorrhoids. | |
16164 | -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" | |
16165 | % | |
16166 | "You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a | |
16167 | plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture" | |
16168 | -- Business Professor, University of Georgia | |
16169 | % | |
16170 | You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother. | |
16171 | % | |
16172 | YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF | |
16173 | PAPER SHUFFLING! | |
16174 | ||
16175 | Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be | |
16176 | a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel | |
16177 | really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best." | |
16178 | ||
16179 | Mr. MARC had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward | |
16180 | to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and | |
16181 | make really big Zorkmids." | |
16182 | ||
16183 | MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when | |
16184 | you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter. | |
16185 | ||
16186 | SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! | |
16187 | % | |
16188 | You too can wear a nose mitten. | |
3dda02a9 | 16189 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 16190 | You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. |
3dda02a9 | 16191 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
16192 | You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of |
16193 | a lion, and the face of Donald Duck. | |
16194 | % | |
58fe6ef4 | 16195 | You will be surprised by a loud noise. |
3dda02a9 | 16196 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
16197 | You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself. |
16198 | % | |
16199 | You will feel hungry again in another hour. | |
16200 | % | |
16201 | You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door | |
16202 | mayonnaise salesman. | |
16203 | % | |
16204 | You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the | |
16205 | Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the | |
16206 | parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day. | |
16207 | -- Sherlock Holmes | |
16208 | % | |
16209 | You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes. | |
16210 | % | |
16211 | You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You're not paid enough to | |
16212 | worry. | |
16213 | % | |
16214 | You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a | |
16215 | taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a | |
16216 | minute and a huff. | |
16217 | -- Groucho Marx | |
3dda02a9 | 16218 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 16219 | "You'll never be the man your mother was!" |
3dda02a9 | 16220 | % |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
16221 | You're at the end of the road again. |
16222 | % | |
16223 | You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. | |
16224 | % | |
16225 | You're never too old to become younger. | |
16226 | -- Mae West | |
16227 | % | |
16228 | You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. | |
16229 | -- Dean Martin | |
16230 | % | |
16231 | You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!! | |
16232 | % | |
16233 | You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. | |
16234 | % | |
16235 | "You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks." | |
16236 | -- Gary Giddens | |
16237 | % | |
16238 | "You've got to think about tomorrow!" | |
16239 | ||
16240 | "TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_________\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\byesterday* yet!" | |
16241 | % | |
58fe6ef4 KB |
16242 | Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a |
16243 | thing he tells you. | |
3dda02a9 | 16244 | % |
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16245 | Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you |
16246 | from enjoying it. | |
3dda02a9 | 16247 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 16248 | Your fault: core dumped |
fcf2a2a2 KB |
16249 | % |
16250 | Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that | |
16251 | bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a | |
16252 | chance to kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home | |
16253 | electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit | |
16254 | breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires | |
16255 | until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can | |
16256 | damage your carpet. The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change | |
16257 | your fuses regularly. | |
16258 | Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This | |
16259 | sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more | |
16260 | often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case | |
16261 | you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not | |
16262 | sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a | |
16263 | fine documentary film based on an actual book. Or call in a licensed | |
16264 | electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession, | |
16265 | such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette | |
16266 | table, etc. | |
16267 | -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" | |
3dda02a9 | 16268 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 16269 | Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret. |
3dda02a9 | 16270 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 16271 | Your lucky color has faded. |
3dda02a9 | 16272 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 16273 | Your lucky number has been disconnected. |
3dda02a9 | 16274 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 16275 | Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere. |
3dda02a9 | 16276 | % |
58fe6ef4 | 16277 | Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. |
3dda02a9 | 16278 | % |
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16279 | "Yow! Am I having fun yet?" |
16280 | -- Zippy the Pinhead | |
3dda02a9 | 16281 | % |
fcf2a2a2 | 16282 | YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!" |
3dda02a9 | 16283 | % |
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16284 | Zero Defects, n.: |
16285 | The result of shutting down a production line. | |
3dda02a9 | 16286 | % |
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16287 | Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words |
16288 | since I first called my brother's father dad. | |
16289 | -- William Shakespeare, "King John" | |
3dda02a9 | 16290 | % |
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16291 | Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: |
16292 | People are always available for work in the past tense. |