Ink: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote
%% *** Fortune datafile 3 ***
Kleptomaniac: A rich thief.
Labor: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
Once Law was sitting on the bench
And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
Nor come before me creeping.
Upon you knees if you appear,
'Tis plain you have no standing here."
Then Justice came. His Honor cried:
"YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
"Amica curiae," she replied --
"Friend of the court, so please you."
"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
I never saw your face before!"
Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission.
Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as
Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds;
Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence...
Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism
Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from
the works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the
subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of
Man: An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he
is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
the whole habitable earth and Canada.
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they
Molecule: The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is
distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit
of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate,
indivisible unit of matter...The ion differs from the molecule, the
corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion....
Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with
Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation....A
fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
more about the matter than the others.
Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
....It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it
is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists
have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of
In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the
last resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened
but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
Pig: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by
the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior
in scope, for it balks at pig.
"Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
force is technically termed "car suck").
2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
Hofstadter's Law into account.
"It is bad luck to be superstitious."
"If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law."
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad
2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
attracted to dark objects.
"The shortest distance between two points is under construction."
Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a
"If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted."
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
stupidity of your action.
Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
to.....to........uh..............
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin'
it, even if they don't know what it means.
If I kiss you, that is an psychological interaction.
On the other, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is also
a psychological interaction.
The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so friendly.
The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
"You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark
Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
be in owning a piece thereof.
For a good time, call 642-9483
\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\aAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
\a
You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
But only Buddha pays Dividends.
Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality.
Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so,
Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
If anything can go wrong, it will.
"How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
"How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!"
A very intelligent turtle
Found programming UNIX a hurdle
And that's not saying much for the turtle.
This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need,
please use the program "randchar". This program generates random
characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with
something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be
more profound than THIS program has ever been.
This fortune intentionally not included.
"Speak roughly to your little boy,
And beat him when he sneezes:
Because he knows it teases."
"I speak severely to my boy,
And beat him when he sneezes:
For he can thoroughly enjoy
The pepper when he pleases!"
"I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
that is -- 'Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
more simply -- 'Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
Il brilgue: les t^
\boves libricilleux
Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
Enm^
\bim'
\bes sont les gougebosquex,
Et le m^
\bomerade horgrave.
Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
Und aller-m"
\bumsige Burggoven
Dir mohmen R"
\bath ausgraben.
"I don't know what you mean by 'glory,'" Alice said
Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't --
till I tell you. I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'"
"But glory doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less."
"The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
so many different things."
"The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master --
Oh, when I was in love with you,
Then I was clean and brave,
And miles around the wonder grew
And now the fancy passes by,
And miles around they'll say that I
Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
Some savage, spectacular suicide.
Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic
formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
wholly unconcerned with what _
\bd_
\bo_
\be_
\bs exist. Indeed, the banality of
existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all,
one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip.
A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
When Marriage is Outlawed,
Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
Look out! Behind you!
\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\aIf all be true that I do think,
There be Five Reasons why one should Drink;
Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
Or lest we should be by-and-by,
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
beyond all need of checking, is the mistake
1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only
3. You can't even quit the game.
Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break
3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the
1. Things will get worse before they get better.
2. Who said things would get better?
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
Rule of Feline Frustration:
When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
Laws of Computer Programming:
1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its
7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
the programmer who must maintain it.
Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
vividly manifests their lack of progress.
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
There's always one more bug.
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
It works better if you plug it in.
Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get
The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
area of misunderstanding.
All the good ones are taken.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
there is nothing important to do.
Government expands to absorb all available revenue and then some.
Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety
Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
Man and nations will act rationally when all other
possibilities have been exhausted.
Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
on his back, you've got something.
Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
legislature is in session.
Churchill's Commentary on Man:
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
time he will pick himself up and continue on.
Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd
ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
"I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frodo in a quavering
"No," Said Gandalf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
"This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is
because we are not the person involved"
"We have met the enemy, and he is us."
Who made the world I cannot tell;
'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
I never soiled with such a deed.
Families, when a child is born
Want it to be intelligent.
Having wrecked my whole life,
Only hope the baby will prove
Then he will crown a tranquil life
By becoming a Cabinet Minister
Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine,
a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine...
When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
corners as bodies of a lower grade....
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
1.) If it should exist, it doesn't.
2.) If it does exist, it's out of date.
3.) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
Probable-Possible, my black hen,
She lays eggs in the Relative When.
She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
Because she's unable to postulate how.
Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off
"Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm
Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
And a beard and long hair,
What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
Hand: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
Wit: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
Keep you Eye on the Ball,
Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
Your Nose to the Grindstone,
Your Head on your Shoulders.
Now....try to get something DONE!
Love is a word that is constantly heard,
Hate is a word that is not.
Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
Love, I have read, is hot.
But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
And Love but a drug on the mart.
Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
Magpie: A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone
that it might be taught to talk.
Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday....
Democracy is also a form of worship.
It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
Peace: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
showed that all had these things in common:
1) They all had moderate appetites.
2) They all came from middle class homes
3) All but two of them were dead.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on
We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best
friends are trying to kill us.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
There's little in taking or giving,
There's little in water or wine:
This living, this living, this living,
Was never a project of mine.
Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
The gain of the one at the top,
For art is a form of catharsis,
And love is a permanent flop,
And work is the provence of cattle,
And rest's for a clam in a shell,
So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
Would you kindly direct me to hell?
The ladies men admire, I've heard,
Would shudder at a wicked word.
Their candle gives a single light;
They'd rather stay at home at night.
They do not keep awake till three,
They never sanction the impure,
Nor recognize an overture.
They shrink from powders and from paints...
So far, I've had no complaints.
Thus I went and thus I go.
Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
All the songs were ever sung,
All the words were ever said;
Could it be, when I was young,
Someone dropped me on my head?
My own dear love, he is strong and bold
And he cares not what comes after.
His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
And his eyes are lit with laughter.
He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
My own dear love, he is all my world --
And I wish I'd never met him.
My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
And the skies are sunlit for him.
As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
As the fragrance of acacia.
My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
And I wish he were in Asia.
My love runs by like a day in June,
And he makes no friends of sorrows.
He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
In the pathway or the morrows.
He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
My own dear love, he is all my heart --
And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
If I don't drive around the park,
I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
If I'm in bed each night by ten,
I may get back my looks again.
If I abstain from fun and such,
I'll probably amount to much;
But I shall stay the way I am,
Because I do not give a damn.
The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known
Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying
Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who
have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that
they cannot separately plunder a third.
Ambidextrous: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket
God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of
Birth: The first and direst of all disasters.
Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed.
Deliberation: The act of examining one's bread to determine
which side it is buttered on.
While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
safe, for you can watch both of his.
Garter: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of
her stockings and desolating the country.
Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
Hippogriff: An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half
griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and
half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter
eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of
zoology is full of surprises.
There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
Please ignore previous fortune.
Interpreter: One who enables two persons of different languages to
understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
Kevin White, mayor of Boston, giving an opinion of his city:
"It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either."
Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
Violators will be prosecuted.
(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
The goal of nature is to build better mice.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why
United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas
season was mared by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military
forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of
Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the
Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made
sense from things she found in gift shops.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for
word what you shouldn't have said.
Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was
in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
Who needs companionship when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
"Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him.
The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser. The cool Brutus
Gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes;
If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
And, like, old Caeser really set them straight.
Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
So are they all, all cool cats, --
Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the double lock will keep;
May no brick through the window break,
And, no one rob me till I awake.
That no-one ever reads these things?
Hark,Hark,the dogs do bark
The Duke is fond of kittens
He likes to take their insides out
And use them for his mittens
From "The thirteen clocks"
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
"A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard"
"I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem."
"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."
"Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
guarantee of eventual success."
"Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST..."
... But among the children of the Great Society there were those
whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, and of
the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat...
Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
people go to the front of the bus."
But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove
yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
unto a snowball in Hell."
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.
77. HO HUM -- The Redundant
------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
--- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife
------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. you are working
---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop
---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates
--- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex.
Nine in the second place means:
The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune.
Six in the third place means:
In former times men built altars to honor the Internal
Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name
correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but
Americans call him by value.
The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
Those who can't write, write manuals.
Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit! Just type
in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving
the room is punishable under law:
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only
"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both
It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
avoid responsibility with?
SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
average man can see better than he can think.
The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child,
was propounded to me by my father:
"What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?"
I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
"A herring," said my father.
"A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
"But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
"But a herring isn't wet."
"If its just painted its still wet."
"But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
"Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it hard."
"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."
Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
"Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books."
On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
$283 on the desk before the cashier.
"Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
"Well, after three days on that cockamany route, I figured
business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz
said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
"Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
"How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
"Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
"There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale
returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact."
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
Green light in A.M. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic
Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a
Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.
You may be recognized soon. Hide.
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot
Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the
first and last month in advance.
Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
Don't feed the bats tonight.
Stay away from flying saucers today.
You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
Half Moon tonight. (At least its better than no Moon at all.)
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so
Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a
Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the
Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving
If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough
Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your
Tonights the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus trees.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as
they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out
a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the
Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
they charge fifteen cents for them.
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
otherwise require harder thinking.
Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to
criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
none of my business but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
Don't use excessive force in supplying such moron with a period.
Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
Wasting time is an important part of living.
Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders has
I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.
Tonights the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus trees.
Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler.
Excellent time to become a missing person.
A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.
Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
Surprise due today. Also the rent.
Avoid reality at all costs.
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't
have a lucky day this year.
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
Avoid him. He's a Commie.
The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood
as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.
The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in
the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in
twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive.
Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a
fierce host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one
-- and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
From "The Swords of Lankhmar", By "Fritz Leiber"
I really hate this damned machine
I wish that they would sell it.
It never does quite what I want
Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
Nihilism should commence with oneself.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
will be temporarily cancelled.
Drive defensively, buy a tank.
Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
Condense soup, not books!
The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!
Philadelhpia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
exciting Camden, New Jersy.
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
Hire the morally handicapped.
I can resist anything but temptation.
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of
Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
Acid -- better living through chemistry.
"You'll never be the man your mother was!"
George Orwell was an optimist.
Chicken Little was right.
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Dallas still lives. God _
\bm_
\bu_
\bs_
\bt be dead.
Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
Brain fried -- Core dumped
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands.
What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A diva who specializes in risqu'
\be arias is an off-coloratura soprano...
Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?
A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
"Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new
Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process..."
"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned
away from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission;
or someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
Down with categeorical imperative!
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
Things are more like they used to be than they are new.
Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
Lysistrata had a good idea.
Reality is an obstacle to halucination.
Paul Revere was a tattle-tale
Familiarity breeds attempt
Coronation: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite
Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They
then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find
only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
others who have tried it.
Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
Honorable: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the
honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days
and then pulled an all-nighter.
God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
asked the father of his little son.
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as
they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out
a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
"Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you
out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles."
Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes
"That must be wonderful! I dont understand it at all."
The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
at the steam fitters picnic.
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
otherwise require harder thinking.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might
be, and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's
It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70
years with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby,
lots of sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having
faced any of his real problems.
The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all
his problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics,
tension, headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his
brother for having gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing
The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we
"What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
"I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears. "but the
God I don't beleive in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
There was a young poet named Dan,
Whose poetry never would scan.
It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
A limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
"We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company."
"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
President's and Kings to the scum of the earth..."
"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"
God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's
"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."
"If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied
"Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped."
-- Groucho Marx' last words
"There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
what it is I'll get married again."
The mouse on the m"
\bobius strip;
In a chronodimensional skip.
And malt does more than Milton can
to justify God's ways to man
Oh, dear, where can the matter be
When it's converted to energy?
There is a slight loss of parity.
Johnny's so long at the fair.
(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
%% Some stuff from MIT, via Doug Tygar.
Its syntax worse than JOSS;
And everywhere this language went,
See how it runs! See how it runs!
Its monitor loses so totally!
It runs all its programs in RPG!
It's made by our favorite monopoly!
As I was passing Project MAC,
I met a Quux with seven hacks.
Every hack had seven bugs;
Every bug had seven manifestations;
Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
How many losses at Project MAC?
Reclaimer, spare that tree!
That made it, paired by dot;
Thou shalt reclaim it not.
99 blocks of crud on the disk,
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
100 blocks of crud on the disk!
100 blocks of crud on the disk,
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
101 blocks of crud on the disk!...
'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
Did gyre and gimble in their cave
"Beware the software rot, my son!
The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
Beware the broken pipe, and shun
The frumious system crash!"
Opinions are like assholes - everyones got one, but nobody wants to
194 years of proud service,
Do something big -- fuck a giant
God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
Massaging the bust of his madam,
For he knew that on earth,
There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
God is not dead -- he's been busted
The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the cactus
has the pricks on the outside.
I came; I saw; I fucked up
Reagan can't _
\ba_
\bc_
\bt either
Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
Cleveland still lives. God _
\bm_
\bu_
\bs_
\bt be dead.
Getting an education at the University of California is like
having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely
inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not
inconsistent with a life of sin.
Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of
a world made for man -- who has no gills.
"Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere,
Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was
the new bait. The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese;
nobody cares much about cheese, except mice. But when American
Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in
the country was hopelessy trapped."
-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
"God built a compeling sex drive into every creature, no
matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly
preasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent
"Needelss to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone
agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and
lambs, rhinoceroses and bazelles, skylarks and lobsteres, even insects,
though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they
were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
Occident: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient.
It is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which
they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the
principal industries of the Orient.
Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman
President? "I can't deal with the Russians today. Not now. I've got
"I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to
I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay
dead that scares the shit out of me.
History has the relation to truth that theology has to
religion -- i.e. none to speak of.
...the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the
Devil out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for
-- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
There was an old pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
There was a young man from Bel-Aire
Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
And finished her off in mid-air.
A pretty young lady named Vogel
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball,
And the cube of its weight
Times his pecker's, plus eight
Is his phone number -- give him a call..
Said Einstein, "I have an equation
Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
Let _
\bP be a constant persuasion;
"Let _
\bV over _
\bP be inverted
With the square root of _
\bM_
\bu inserted
Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
A team playing baseball in Dallas
Called the umpire blind out of malice.
While this worthy had fits
And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude,
And, unless I'm quite wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.
There was a young lad name of Durcan
Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
His father said, "Durcan!
Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
There was a young girl named Saphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
And covered his pants leg with pee.
In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was
without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So
they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit,
And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now,
the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a
container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide
before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto
the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer
and none may abide by its strength."
And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the
Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and
it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto
the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
growth of the Laboratories."
And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
There once was a hacker named Ken
Who inherited truckloads of Yen
So he built him some chicks
And hasn't been heard from since then.
There once was a plumber from Leigh,
Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
I think someone's coming!"
Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
There once was a freshman named Lin,
Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
Said "This won't be much of a sin."
Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied:
You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat.
You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los
Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly
the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there.
The only difference is that there is no cat.
"When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that
-- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
There once was a couple named Kelley,
Who lived their life belly to belly.
Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)
With the Y chromosome changed to X.
We'll be of the opposite sex.
With the Y chromosome changed to X.
Since her mind is my own,
She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
"If God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a
Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't
fruits and nuts is flakes.
projects / unix-history / blob