+71:
+ 69 with two fingers up your ass.
+ -- George Carlin
+%
+A bather whose clothing was strewed
+By breezes that left her quite nude,
+ Saw a man come along
+ And, unless I'm quite wrong,
+You expected this line to be lewd.
+%
+A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
+I am not I, I'm a tree."
+ But another, more sane,
+ Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
+And covered his pants leg with pee.
+%
+A bureaucracy is like a septic tank -- all the really big shits float
+to the top.
+%
+A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
+Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
+ -- Thomas Ybarra
+%
+A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for
+the first time.
+ -- Alfred E. Wiggam
+%
+A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never
+learned to walk.
+ -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
+%
+A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
+%
+A hard man is good to find.
+%
+A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
+%
+A mathematician named Hall
+Has a hexahedronical ball,
+ And the cube of its weight
+ Times his pecker's, plus eight
+Is his phone number -- give him a call..
+%
+"A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a
+good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious
+scruples and the police."
+ -- Mr. Dooley
+%
+A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately
+wrong with a high sense of consistency.
+ -- J. K. Galbraith
+%
+A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
+ -- Phyllis Schlafly
+%
+A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
+%
+A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely
+called a liberal.
+%
+A pretty young lady named Vogel
+Once sat herself down on a molehill.
+ A curious mole
+ Nosed into her hole --
+Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
+%
+A pretty young maiden from France
+Decided she'd "just take a chance."
+ She let herself go
+ For an hour or so
+And now all her sisters are aunts.
+%
+A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is
+having fun.
+%
+A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep
+up with yesterday.
+%
+A remarkable race are the Persians;
+They have such peculiar diversions.
+ They make love the whole day
+ In the usual way
+And save up the nights for perversions.
+%
+A team playing baseball in Dallas
+Called the umpire blind out of malice.
+ While this worthy had fits
+ The team made eight hits
+And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
+%
+A wanton young lady from Wimley
+Reproached for not acting quite primly
+ Said, "Heavens above!
+ I know sex isn't love,
+But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
+%
+A widow who fancied a man some
+Was diddled three times in a hansome.
+ When she clamored for more
+ Her young man became sore
+And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
+%
+"A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her
+drawers."
+ -- Blind Lemon Pledge
+%
+A worried young man from Stamboul
+Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
+ Said the doctor, a cynic,
+ "Get out of my clinic;
+Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
+%
+A.I. hackers do it with robots.
+%
+Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
+%
+"Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
+religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
+Western science."
+ -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
+%
+Achilles' Biological Findings:
+ (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he
+ looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
+ (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
+ -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the
+ rooster.
+%
+Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget
+ cuts.
+Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
+Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
+Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves.
+%
+All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm
+place to shift.
+%
+All the waters of the earth are in the armpit of the Great Frog.
+ -- R. Crumb
+%
+All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat,
+ All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot;
+Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings,
+ He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings.
+All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small,
+ All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all.
+Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid.
+ Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks? He did.
+All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small.
+ Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all.
+ -- Monty Python's Flying Circus
+%
+America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it
+wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.
+ -- Arnold Joseph Toynbee
+%
+An architect fellow named Yoric
+Could, when feeling euphoric,
+ Display for selection
+ Three kinds of erection --
+Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
+%
+An Army travels on her stomach.
+%
+An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: if gets laid once; it gets
+eaten once. It also has to come in a box with 11 others, and the only
+person who will sit on its face is its mother.
+%
+"And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest
+unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine
+bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
+provideth that they are nice and fresh.'"
+ -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion"
+%
+ And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
+ They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the
+ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our
+very selfhood revealed."
+ And Jesus replied, "What?"
+%
+... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half,
+and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps ...
+%
+Anxiety, n.:
+ The first time you can't do it a second time.
+
+Panic, n.:
+ The second time you can't do it the first time.
+%
+"Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator."
+ -- Claude Shouse
+
+"Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist."
+ -- Joseph C. Wang
+%
+"Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons
+released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and
+enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources."
+ -- Ronald Reagan
+%
+Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
+popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-
+blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
+back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-
+slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said,
+"Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job." The Texas gentleman looked
+appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the
+spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah
+honor!" Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor,
+hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!"
+%
+Baltimore, n.:
+ Where the women wear turtleneck sweaters to hide their flea
+collars.
+%
+Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
+%
+"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
+Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
+
+ (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
+ (2) Advising the President.
+ (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin."
+ -- David Letterman
+%
+Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed.
+Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed.
+Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice,
+Unless you get a good percentage of her price ...
+ -- Tom Lehrer
+%
+Behold the unborn fetus and
+ Weep salt tears crocodilian;
+All life is sacred (save, of course,
+ An enemy civilian).
+%
+Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on
+gin.
+ -- Ralph Nader
+%
+Beneath this stone a virgin lies,
+For her life held no terrors.
+A virgin born, a virgin died:
+No hits, no runs, no errors.
+%
+Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all
+evil.
+%
+Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
+%
+Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.
+%
+Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere,
+Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was
+the new bait. The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese;
+nobody cares much about cheese, except mice. But when American
+Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in
+the country was hopelessly trapped.
+ -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
+%
+... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot
+be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin to the
+benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The latter
+is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing with
+him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch
+of knuckles.
+ -- Harlan Ellison
+%
+"California is proud to be the home of the freeway."
+ -- Ronald Reagan
+%
+"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your penis?"
+
+"Uh, not right now."
+
+"Tsk. A girl has to have some standards."
+ -- "Real Genius"
+%
+Captain Hook died of jock itch.
+%
+Champagne don't make me lazy.
+Cocaine don't drive me crazy.
+Ain't nobody's business but my own.
+ -- Taj Mahal
+%
+Chaste makes waste.
+%
+Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
+Jack Frost ripping up your nose
+Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
+And folks dressed up like buffaloes
+Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
+Helps to make the season right
+Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
+Will find it hard to see tonight
+They know that Santa's on his way
+He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh
+And every mother's child is sure to spy
+To see if reindeer really scream when they die
+And so I'm offering this simple phrase
+To kids from one to ninety two
+Although it's been said many times, many ways
+Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!!
+%
+Christian, n.:
+ One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
+book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who
+follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent
+with a life of sin.
+%
+Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found
+difficult and not tried.
+ -- G. K. Chesterton
+%
+Clarke's Third Law:
+ Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from
+magic.
+
+G's Third Law:
+ In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
+is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
+
+H's Dictum:
+ There is no magic ...
+%
+Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to
+fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the
+contrary.
+ -- Tom Robbins
+%
+CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)
+
+Oh, give me a clone
+Of my own flesh and bone
+ With the Y chromosome changed to X.
+And when she is grown,
+My very own clone,
+ We'll be of the opposite sex.
+
+Chorus:
+ Clone, clone of my own,
+ With the Y chromosome changed to X.
+ And when we're alone,
+ Since her mind is my own,
+ She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
+ -- Randall Garrett
+%
+Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
+%
+Coito ergo sum
+%
+College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months
+later you wish you'd never come.
+%
+Communists do it without class.
+%
+Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
+%
+Conservative, n.:
+ One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
+ -- Leo C. Rosten
+%
+Conserve energy -- make love more slowly.
+%
+Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
+%
+Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you? _____\b\b\b\b\bFIRST you rape, ____\b\b\b\bTHEN you
+pillage!!
+%
+Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
+This visage meek and humble,
+And hear this confidential plea
+Voiced in reverent mumble:
+ Give me Shylock, give me Fagin
+ But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!
+ -- Ansel Adams
+%
+"Dear Mr. Seldes: I cannot remember the exact wording of the statement
+to which you allude; but what I meant was that ... a man who calls
+himself a 100% American and is proud of it, is generally 150% an idiot
+politically. But the designations may be good business for war
+veterans. Having bled for their country in 1861 and 1918, they have
+bled it all they could consequently. And why not?"
+ -- George Seldes, "The Great Quotations"
+%
+Democracy can learn some things from Communism: for example, when a
+Communist politician is through, he is through.
+%
+Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for
+the people.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
+
+ ... Seats 500.
+%
+Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"
+%
+Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
+%
+[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are
+two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
+
+(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and
+ confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold
+ a press conference where you announce that they have a street value
+ of $850 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools,
+ including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana
+ cigarettes in the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker
+ factory puts them there.
+(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you
+ announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a
+ piece of human sleaze. This also never fails, because you always
+ get a conviction. A juror at a pornography trial is not about to
+ state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie
+ where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a
+ fire extinguisher. He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and
+ vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong
+ impression.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
+%
+Do something big -- fuck a giant
+%
+"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
+"Who else?" answered the patient.
+%
+Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
+%
+"Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash."
+ -- Bo Diddley
+%
+Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get
+you through times of no dope.
+ -- Gilbert Shelton
+%
+Draft beer, not people
+%
+Eat the rich -- the poor are tough and stringy.
+%
+Eisenhower was very nice,
+Nixon was his only vice.
+ -- C. Degen
+%
+Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
+ (1) Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to
+ sleep in the wet spot.
+ (2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find
+ themselves.
+ (3) You won't find out later that your cucumber (a) is
+ married, (b) is on penicillin, (c) likes you -- but loves
+ your brother!
+ (4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
+ (5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are
+ wet.
+ (6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a
+ boy".
+ (7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
+ (8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
+ (9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the
+ pillow.
+ (10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
+ (11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you
+ left it.
+%
+Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant
+professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a
+male schlemiel.
+ -- Ewald Nyquist
+%
+Evangelists do it with Him watching.
+%
+"Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling
+just a bit unchivalrous ..."
+ -- Robert Benchley
+%
+Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of
+women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their
+handbags are full.
+ -- Earl Wilson
+%
+Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
+licentious, dirty bum!!
+%
+Floppy now, hard later.
+%
+For those of you how have been looking for evidence that a working
+version of "Star Wars" can be built, consider the following proof
+offered by Caspar Weinberger:
+
+ "If such a system is so unattainable, why have the Soviets been
+ working desperately to get it for over 17 years?"
+
+ -- USA Today, 24 June 1986
+%
+Fornication, n.:
+ Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
+%
+Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25:
+
+Q: You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you,
+ and you didn't scream?
+A: No ma'am.
+Q: Does that mean you consented?
+A: No, ma'am. That means I was unconscious.
+%
+George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but
+he also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't
+punish him? Because George still had the axe in his hand.
+%
+Getting an education at the University of California is like having
+$50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
+%
+"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+ "God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no
+matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly
+pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent
+merriment.
+ "Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone
+agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and
+lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
+though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
+innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they
+were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
+ -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
+%
+God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
+%
+God is an atheist.
+%
+GOD is applied POWER
+ which is applied GOVERNMENT
+ which is applied POLITICS
+ which is applied ADVERTISING
+ which is applied SOCIOLOGY
+ which is applied PSYCHOLOGY
+ which is applied BIOLOGY
+ which is applied CHEMISTRY
+ which is applied PHYSICS
+ which is applied MATH
+ which is applied PHILOSOPHY
+ which is applied BULLSHIT
+%
+"God is as real as I am," the old man said. My faith was restored, for
+I new that Santa would never lie.
+%
+"God is big, so don't fuck with him."
+%
+God isn't dead -- he's been busted
+%
+God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
+%
+God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
+%
+God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
+where to go.
+ "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
+ "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
+ "Well, how about Mercury?"
+ "No, it's too hot there."
+ "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
+ "No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was
+there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
+still talking about it."
+%
+Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend.
+%
+Grain grows best in shit
+ -- Ursula K. LeGuin
+%
+Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker.
+%
+Great Lover, n.:
+ A man who can breathe through his ears.
+%
+Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
+%
+Hackers do it with bugs.
+%
+Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
+%
+Hackers know all the right MOVs.
+%
+Haggis, n.:
+ Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and
+considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human
+consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or
+other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled
+in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute ...
+%
+Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is
+to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal
+difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the
+former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed)
+facts. The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the
+historian uses his to enrich the past. Both are usually up to their
+ankles in bullshit.
+ -- Tom Robbins
+%
+Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
+for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
+attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
+as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
+Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
+finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
+ -- R. E. Masters
+%
+"He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control."
+%
+He hated to mend, so young Ned
+Called in a cute neighbor instead.
+ Her husband said, "Vi,
+ When you stitched up his torn fly,
+Did you have to bite off the thread?"
+%
+He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they
+_\bH_\bA_\bD to make him President of the United States. It's the only job he's
+qualified for!
+ -- Michael Cain
+%
+He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink
+damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
+%
+He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own
+hands.
+%
+"He's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot won't squawk! He's
+ceased to be! He's expired, and gone to meet his maker! It's a
+stiff! No breath of life, he may rest in peace! If you hadn't nailed
+him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's off the twig!
+He's kicked the bucket! He's curled up his tooties! He's shuffled off
+this mortal world! He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n
+Choir Invincible! HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT! Vis-a-vi his metabolic
+processes is head is lost. All statements concerning this parrot is no
+longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative...
+
+ THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
+%
+Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest
+in a yak.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
+%
+Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with
+the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul
+Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't define
+pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the
+court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
+Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't
+it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when
+his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
+enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
+ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
+that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
+it because the court was going to take a nap.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
+%
+"Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther
+King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed:
+
+ * Governmental offices
+ * Post offices
+ * Libraries
+ * Schools
+ * Banks
+ * Parts of Palm Beach
+
+and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina."
+ -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
+%
+History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --
+i.e., none to speak of.
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%
+"How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the
+government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was
+gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. We'll be
+lucky to escape with our skins!"
+%
+Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole
+ -- John Valby
+%
+Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
+%
+I am an atheist, thank God!
+%
+I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it
+once was ... an arctic wilderness
+ -- Steve Martin
+%
+I came; I saw; I fucked up
+%
+I have a funny daddy
+Who goes in and out with me
+And everything that baby does
+Daddy's sure to see,
+And everything that baby says,
+My daddy's sure to tell.
+You _\bm_\bu_\bs_\bt have read my daddy's verse.
+I hope he fries in Hell.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
+%
+I once met a lassie named Ruth
+In a long distance telephone booth.
+ Now I know the perfection
+ Of an ideal connection
+Even if somewhat uncouth.
+%
+"I own my own body, but I share"
+%
+I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
+Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
+trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to
+go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports
+that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
+%
+I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of
+oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
+commerce.
+ -- J. Edgar Hoover
+%
+I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
+ -- Barry Goldwater
+%
+I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else
+that has ever happened, and vice versa.
+ -- Frank Zappa
+%
+I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about feces. What a lot we
+had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized
+dung of long-vanished animals. A miraculous thing, really; a recovery
+from the past from what was carelessly rejected. And in the Middle
+Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were
+with the feces of animals. And what a variety of names they had for
+them: the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of
+an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets
+of a Deer. Surely there might be some words for the material so near
+to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit?
+What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a
+Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian,
+the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties
+of an Untenured Professor?
+ -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
+%
+I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is
+going to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out
+your mind. In general this drug will make you just like your mother
+and father.
+ -- Frank Zappa
+%
+I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay dead that
+scares the shit out of me.
+ -- R. Geis
+%
+I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on
+now.
+%
+I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say
+"I've just had a good war."
+ -- Mae West
+%
+I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall,
+it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French
+government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+"I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to
+watch him have another."
+%
+If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair. If this doesn't
+work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
+%
+If all these sweet young things were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be a
+bit surprised.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+"If anyone wants to trade a couple of centrally located, well-cushioned
+showgirls for an eroded slope 90 minutes from Broadway, I'll be on this
+corner tomorrow at 11 with my tongue hanging out."
+ -- S. J. Perelman
+%
+If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in
+James Watt's office.
+ -- Wayne Shannon, KRON-TV
+%
+"If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10
+apostles."
+%
+If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
+%
+If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
+%
+If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
+%
+If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
+%
+If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would
+suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only
+fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966,
+only two went back to women.
+ -- Mort Sahl
+%
+If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream
+and never be our destiny.
+ -- Ren'\be de Visme Williamson
+%
+If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you
+should join
+
+ THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF
+
+The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all who
+don't allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs. In
+addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the
+following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as Church dogma:
+
+ -- That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which
+ UFOs come.
+ -- That pi equals precisely 3.000.
+ -- That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals.
+ -- That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared
+ the circle.
+ -- That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
+ -- That pi equals precisely 22/7.
+
+Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being
+studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were
+done in a Hollywood special effects studio. These will be the subject
+of a forthcoming Papal Bull ...
+%
+If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
+in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments.
+%
+If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try different position.
+%
+"If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a
+buzz-saw."
+ -- W. C. Fields
+%
+Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.
+ -- Robert Burton
+%
+"In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with
+reality at any point."
+ -- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+ In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was
+without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So
+they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit,
+and it stinks."
+
+ And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
+"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now,
+the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a
+container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide
+before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto
+the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer
+and none may abide by its strength."
+
+ And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the
+Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and
+it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto
+the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
+growth of the Laboratories."
+
+ And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
+it was Good!
+%
+In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
+Massaging the bust of his madam,
+ He chuckled with mirth,
+ For he knew that on earth,
+There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
+%
+Incest, n.:
+ Sibling revelry.
+%
+"Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time
+someone writes `bible thumpers?'
+ -- Joel M. Snyder, jms@mis.arizona.edu
+%
+It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
+classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
+%
+"It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then
+god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side."
+ -- Frank Zappa
+%
+"It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The
+Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital
+lies."
+ -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
+%
+Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his time.
+%
+"Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound!"
+ -- Daniel Hinojosa
+%
+Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
+%
+John Birch Society -- that pathetic manifestation of organized
+apoplexy.
+ -- Edward P. Morgan
+%
+Kasha, n.:
+ Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only
+one problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat
+groats"? *_\bI* know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't
+help *___\b\b\byou* much.
+ -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+Kill a commie for Christ!
+%
+Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture,
+all will end as doves.
+%
+Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
+%
+LET Jesus be YOUR anchor!
+
+So when Satan rocks your boat, THROW Jesus overboard!
+%
+... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side,
+you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of
+fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating
+stunts to win the approval of the Republican Right. For example, they
+had him make a speech oozing praise all over William Loeb, deceased
+publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader and Slime Journalist.
+Loeb had dumped viciously all over George in the 1980 New Hampshire
+primary. But when the Right held a big tribute for Loeb, George came
+back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped around his
+neck.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Twinkie and the Squid"
+%
+Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's
+hard you get fucked.
+%
+Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ...
+%
+Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't
+fruits and nuts is flakes.
+%
+Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit.
+%
+Mathematicians do it in theory.
+%
+Mathematicians take it to the limit.
+%
+May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister.
+%
+May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!
+%
+Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city
+nativity scene removed:
+ "They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men
+and a virgin in the whole organization."
+%
+Megaton Man: "LOOK at them! Helpless, tender creatures, relying on
+ ME, waiting for ME to make my move!"
+
+(from below): "Move your ASS, Fat-head!"
+
+Megaton Man: "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!"
+%
+Missionary Position:
+ The missionary on top.
+%
+"Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a
+boot if the instructions were printed on the heel."
+%
+Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
+ Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it
+stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
+%
+My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. He goes around
+with his head stuck up his ass.
+%
+"My country, right or wrong," is a thing that no patriot would think of
+saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, "My mother,
+drunk or sober."
+ -- G. K. Chesterton
+%
+My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my
+family, it seems, begins where yours left off.
+ -- Alexandre Dumas, pere
+%
+ My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things]
+Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
+Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
+Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
+These are a few of my favorite drugs.
+
+Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
+Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
+Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
+These are a few of my favorite drugs.
+
+Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
+Users of heroin, often called junkies
+Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
+Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.
+
+ On a bad trip
+ When the cops come
+ When I lose my head
+ I simply take more of my favorite drugs
+ And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
+%
+ NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
+"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a
+short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
+promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of
+our "Big John" doll.)
+%
+No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
+she will or will not be a mother.
+ -- Margaret H. Sanger
+%
+"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends."
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+Nothing is better than Sex.
+Masturbation is better than nothing.
+Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
+%
+Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus.
+%
+O'Riordan's Theorem:
+ Brains x Beauty = Constant.
+
+Purmal's Corollary:
+ As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
+availability goes to zero.
+%
+Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
+%
+Occident, n.:
+ The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It
+is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
+Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which
+they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the
+principal industries of the Orient.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Ocean, n.:
+ A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for
+man -- who has no gills.
+%
+Once a young gay from Khartoum
+Took a lesbian up to his room.
+ They argued all night
+ Over who had the right
+To do what, and with which, and to whom.
+%
+Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
+fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold,
+the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
+After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
+earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this
+little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
+warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow
+began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
+chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
+he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
+
+There are three morals to this story:
+
+(1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
+(2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
+(3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
+%
+One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout
+were flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of
+nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down.
+Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four
+passengers! Andropov grabbed one of the parachutes and declared
+"Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must
+be spared," and he jumped out of the plane. Then Reagan exclaimed "As
+leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for
+democracy," and with that he too jumped to safety. Now if you are
+following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
+there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The
+Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and
+productive life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's
+hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but
+there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack."
+%
+"One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not
+there should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los
+Angeles to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded
+and some virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some
+cases the crowded and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of
+each other. Obviously many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together.
+Buying more beaches that people won't go to because they prefer to be
+crowded together on one beach is a ridiculous waste of our natural
+resources and our taxes."
+ -- Ronald Reagan
+%
+One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has
+occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist.
+ -- Jane Wagner, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent
+ Life in the Universe"
+%
+Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to
+look at the other guy's.
+ -- Hal Hickman
+%
+Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where
+the maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to
+help out in case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second
+basewoman is a pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway,
+but there's no way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere
+near her, a male comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal
+with it. She's been on the team for three seasons now, but the males
+still don't trust her. They know, deep in their souls, that if she had
+to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she
+probably would elect to save the infant's life, without ever
+considering whether there were men on base.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
+%
+"Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in
+a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave
+national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to
+gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the
+exorbitant sums demanded. Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem
+never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real."
+ -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
+%
+ Overheard in a bar:
+Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
+Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now."
+%
+People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world
+citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time.
+ -- Norman Cousins
+%
+Physicists do it with charm
+%
+Politicians do it to everyone.
+%
+Posterity will ne'er survey
+A nobler grave than this;
+Here lie the bones of Castlereagh;
+Stop, traveler, and piss.
+ -- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh
+%
+Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
+%
+Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and
+still come out ahead.
+%
+Q: How do you play religious roulette?
+A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck
+ by lightning first.
+%
+Q: How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your
+ backyard?
+A: If all your trashcan liners are missing ...
+%
+Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher,
+ or an airline stewardess?
+A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says:
+ "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it
+ right." An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your
+ mouth and nose, and breath normally."
+%
+Q: How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb?
+A: Two. One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the
+ screwing began.
+%
+Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
+A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
+%
+Q: How much money do you give to a 900 foot Jesus?
+A: As much as he wants.
+%
+Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah
+ be?
+A: A fur coat.
+%
+Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
+A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
+%
+Q: What do you get when you cross James Dean with Ronald Reagan?
+A: A rebel without a clue.
+%
+Q: What is "SMOORPLAY"?
+A: It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course!
+%
+Q: What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read?
+A: A cheese grater
+%
+Q: What's Jewish foreplay?
+A: Two hours of begging.
+%
+Q: Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
+A: Fredrick's of Ithaca, New York.
+%
+Q: Where does virgin wool come from?
+A: Ugly sheep.
+%
+Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
+A: So she can moan with the other!
+%
+"Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in
+exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must
+devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate
+from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to
+Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are
+weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be
+reached for comment, but we chose not to listen."
+ -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
+%
+Randel, n.:
+ A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology
+for farting at a friend.
+ -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &
+ Preposterous Words
+%
+Reagan can't _\ba_\bc_\bt either
+%
+Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only
+sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
+changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't
+grow out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up
+liking pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to
+do with the other.
+ -- Jules Feiffer
+%
+Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in this
+country. The remainder is thrown out.
+%
+Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows.
+Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes.
+
+Democrats eat the fish they catch.
+Republicans hang them on the wall.
+
+Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican
+girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
+
+Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
+Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
+
+Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
+The remainder is thrown out.
+
+Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
+That is why there are more Democrats.
+ -- The Official Rules, as compiled by Paul Dickson
+%
+Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom
+any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't.
+%
+Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo
+%
+Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
+"My favorite sport is coitus."
+ But a fullback from State
+ Made her period late,
+And now she has athlete's fetus
+%
+Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
+Whose virtue was largely a myth,
+ "Try as hard as I can,
+ I can't find a man
+That it's fun to be virtuous with."
+%
+Said Einstein, "I have an equation
+Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
+ Let _\bV be virginity
+ Approaching infinity;
+Let _\bP be a constant persuasion;
+
+"Let _\bV over _\bP be inverted
+With the square root of _\bM_\bu inserted
+ _\bN times into _\bV ...
+ The result, Q.E.D.,
+Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
+%
+Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
+%
+Sex is like a bridge game -- If you have a good hand no partner is
+needed.
+%
+Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation ... the other eight
+are unimportant.
+ -- Henry Miller
+%
+Sex is the poor man's opera.
+ -- G. B. Shaw
+%
+She asked me if I loved her still. "Yes," I replied. "I've never had
+you any other way."
+%
+She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic
+candidates for president.
+ -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist
+ Elizabeth Gould Davis
+%
+... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse
+is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the
+1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was
+considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever
+showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts
+would have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the
+overall effect was no more explicit than many publications we think
+nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking
+Through Swimsuits Issue.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
+%
+Sooner or later, generals will own you.
+%
+Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
+%
+Statisticians probably do it.
+%
+Subpoena, n.:
+ From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male
+organ or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."
+%
+Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
+ -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
+ the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle
+ Association
+%
+Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life. People know that if
+you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
+%
+Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he
+forgets?
+%
+"Taxes should hurt. I just mailed my own tax return last night and I
+am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone."
+ -- Ronald Reagan
+%
+"The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled
+at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains."
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+ The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't
+just say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these
+primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
+and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
+saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
+you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
+time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
+Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
+ So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
+publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
+naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
+naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an
+article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
+Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But
+others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
+Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
+%
+The computer is the ultimate polluter: its shit is indistinguishable
+from the food it produces.
+%
+ The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You
+claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in
+his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
+
+ "Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but
+not much good in a fight."
+%
+The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the
+cactus has the pricks on the outside.
+%
+... The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
+out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
+ -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
+%
+ The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
+
+My back aches, my pussy is sore;
+I simply can't fuck any more;
+ I'm covered with sweat,
+ And you haven't come yet,
+And my God, it's a quarter to four!
+%
+The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been
+putting his bird in the *WRONG* bushes.
+%
+THE MX IS GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY. One important reason we have a Defense
+Department is that when we give it money, it spends it, which creates
+jobs, whereas if we left the money in the hands of civilians, we don't
+know what they'd do with it. Probably put it in open trenches and set
+it on fire. The MX will create an especially large number of jobs
+because of the number of warheads it carries. It carries a total of 10
+warheads. This creates a great deal of employment, because you have
+your Warhead Makers, your Warhead Lifters, your Persons Who Tap the
+Warheads Gently with Rubber Mallets to Wedge Them All Snugly Into the
+Nose Cone, your Persons Who Just Walk Around Playing Soothing Cassettes
+by Recording Artists such as Perry Como So We Don't Have Any More
+Episodes Where a Worker Who is Experiencing Some Strain Sticks a
+Warhead in the Employee Cafeteria Microwave and Sets It On Roast, etc.
+We are talking about a lot of jobs.
+ -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
+ Political Fallout"
+%
+The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
+%
+The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France
+on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an
+acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke
+French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word
+the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a
+picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a
+ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant
+with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After
+dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to
+several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
+evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and
+drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and has never
+be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
+%
+The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a
+chance to prove it.
+%
+The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have to walk around
+in front every time you want to kiss her.
+%
+The reason we need the MX missile system is that the missiles we
+currently have in the ground are the Minuteman model, which is very
+old. The Defense Department can't even remember where half of them
+are. Insects have built nests in them. People have built houses
+directly over the silos. What this means, of course, is that if we
+ever needed them to help obliterate all human life on the planet, they
+could be a real embarrassment. I mean, maybe YOU'RE comfortable with
+the prospect of missiles that are supposed to represent you barging
+over the North Pole trailing shreds of polyester carpeting from some
+recreation room in South Dakota, but your strategic defense planners
+are not.
+ -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
+ Political Fallout"
+%
+The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a
+dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said, "It's my dick
+and I can wash it as fast as I want!"
+%
+ The Split-Atom Blues
+
+Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
+ Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline ...
+But if you split those atoms fine,
+ Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
+
+Gimme zits, take my dough,
+ Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll ...
+Call the devil and sell my soul,
+ But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
+ -- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County"
+%
+"The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual
+curiosity."
+ -- Ronald Reagan
+%
+The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling
+their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from
+the other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to
+ascribe to the other side a consistency, forsight and coherence that
+its own experience belies. Of course, even two blind men can do
+enormous damage to each other, not to speak of the room.
+ -- Henry Kissinger
+%
+The United States Army;
+194 years of proud service,
+unhampered by progress.
+%
+The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
+everybody and still nobody likes him.
+ -- Jim Samuels
+%
+"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
+%
+"The whole world is about three drinks behind."
+ -- Humphrey Bogart
+%
+The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis". This is true in
+almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people
+have attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged
+down in silly puns about "standing erect".
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
+%
+ Them Toad Suckers
+
+How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
+Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
+
+Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
+Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
+
+Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
+Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
+
+Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
+Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
+
+How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
+Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
+ -- Mason Williams
+%
+There are also a lot of nice buildings in Haiphong. What their
+contributions are to the war effort I don't know, but the desire to
+bomb a virgin building is terrific.
+ -- Commander Henry Urban Jr.
+%
+There are revolutions that are sweeping the world and we in America
+have been in a position of trying to stop them. With all the wealth of
+America, with all of the military strength of America, those
+revolutions are revolutions against a form of political and economic
+organization in the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are
+oppressive. They are revolutions against feudalism. [1952]
+ -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
+%
+There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
+%
+"There is a God, but He drinks"
+ -- Blore
+%
+There once was a couple named Kelley,
+Who lived their life belly to belly.
+ Because in their haste
+ They used Library Paste,
+Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
+%
+There once was a fiesty young terrier
+Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
+ He'd yip and he'd yap,
+ Then leap up and snap;
+And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
+%
+There once was a freshman named Lin,
+Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
+ A virgin named Joan
+ From a bible belt home,
+Said "This won't be much of a sin."
+%
+There once was a hacker named Ken
+Who inherited truckloads of Yen
+ So he built him some chicks
+ Of silicon chips
+And hasn't been heard from since then.
+%
+There once was a lady from Exeter,
+So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
+ One was even so brave
+ As to take out and wave
+The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
+%
+There once was a man named Eugene
+Who invented a screwing machine
+ Concave and convex
+ It served either sex
+And it played with itself in between.
+%
+There once was a plumber from Leigh,
+Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
+ Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
+ I think someone's coming!"
+Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
+%
+There once was a queen of Bulgaria
+Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
+ Till a prince from Peru
+ Who came up for a screw
+Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
+%
+There once was a Scot named McAmeter
+With a tool of prodigious diameter.
+ It was not the size
+ That cause such surprise;
+'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
+%
+There was a bluestocking in Florence
+Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
+ Till a Spanish grandee,
+ Got her off with his knee,
+And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
+%
+There was a gay countess of Bray,
+And you may think it odd when I say,
+ That in spite of high station,
+ Rank and education,
+She always spelled cunt with a "k".
+%
+There was a young fellow named Bliss
+Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
+ For even with Venus
+ His recalcitrant penis
+Would never do better than t
+ h
+ i
+ s
+ .
+%
+There was a young girl from Hong Kong
+Whose cervical cap was a gong.
+ She said with a yell,
+ As a shot rang her bell,
+"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
+%
+There was a young girl named Sapphire
+Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
+ She said, "It's a sin,
+ But now that it's in,
+Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
+%
+There was a young girl of Angina
+Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
+ From the love-making frock
+ (With the proper sized cock)
+Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
+%
+There was a young girl of Darjeeling
+Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
+ There was never a sound
+ For miles around
+Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
+%
+There was a young lad name of Durcan
+Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
+ His father said, "Durcan!
+ Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
+Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
+%
+There was a young lady from Maine
+Who claimed she had men on her brain.
+ But you knew from the view,
+ As her abdomen grew,
+It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
+%
+There was a young lady named Clair
+Who possessed a magnificent pair;
+ At least so I thought
+ Till I saw one get caught
+On a thorn, and begin losing air.
+%
+There was a young lady named Hall,
+Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
+ The dress caught on fire
+ And burned her entire
+Front page, sporting section, and all.
+%
+There was a young lady named Twiss
+Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
+ For it tickled her bum
+ And caused her to come
+.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
+%
+There was a young lady of Norway
+Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
+ She said to her beau
+ "Just look at me Joe
+I think I've discovered one more way."
+%
+There was a young man from Bel-Aire
+Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
+ But the banister broke
+ So he doubled his stroke
+And finished her off in mid-air.
+%
+There was a young man named Crockett
+Whose balls got caught in a socket.
+ His wife was a bitch,
+ And she threw the switch,
+As Crockett went off like a rocket.
+%
+There was a young man of Cape Horn
+Who wished he had never been born,
+ And he wouldn't have been
+ If his father had seen
+That the end of the rubber was torn.
+%
+There was a young man of St. John's
+Who wanted to bugger the swans.
+ But the loyal hall porter
+ Said, "Pray take my daughter!
+Those birds are reserved for the dons."
+%
+There was a young whore from kaloo
+Who filled her vagina with glue.
+ She said with a grin,
+ "If they pay to get in,
+They can pay to get out again too!"
+%
+There was an old man of the port
+Whose prick was remarkably short.
+ When he got into bed,
+ The old woman said,
+"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
+%
+There was an old pirate named Bates
+Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
+ He fell on his cutlass
+ Which rendered him nutless
+And practically useless on dates.
+%
+There were the Scots
+Who kept the Sabbath
+And everything else they could lay their hands on.
+Then there were the Welsh
+Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors.
+Thirdly there were the Irish
+Who never knew what they wanted
+But were willing to fight for it anyway.
+Lastly there were the English
+Who considered themselves a self-made nation
+Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.
+%
+There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I
+really don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do
+anything to me.
+ -- John Wayne
+%
+There's more than one way to skin a cat:
+ Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
+%
+There's more than one way to skin a cat:
+ Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander.
+%
+There's more than one way to skin a cat:
+ Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
+%
+There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter
+and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
+ -- Billy Joel
+%
+There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.
+ -- David Mairowitz
+%
+This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an
+actual emergency, you would have known it!
+%
+This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week.
+%
+This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. So I'll put
+"di-dah" for the filthy words:
+
+ Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,
+ Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;
+ di-dah di-dah di-dah?
+ Di-dah di-dah di-dah.
+ Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck.
+%
+This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management
+personal to various situations.
+
+You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
+in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchillada casserole and
+egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
+Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
+bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out.
+
+YOU SHOULD:
+
+(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
+(b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
+(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
+%
+Thou shalt not omit adultery.
+%
+To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
+%
+"Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad
+name."
+ -- Gore Vidal
+%
+'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod And as in raffish thought he sprawled,
+Did groove and trip out at the pad: The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt,
+All whimsy were the slamming chicks, Crept past the hippies getting balled
+And the Radcliffe undergrad. And doffed her miniskirt.
+
+"Beware the Radcliffe girl, my son! One, two! One, two! And through
+The looks that melt, the claws that and through
+ catch! The venerable staff went snicker-snack!
+Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun He left her bred, sans maidenhead,
+The uppity Wellesleysnatch!" And went galumphing back.
+
+He took his venerable staff in hand: "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl?
+Long time the cool young stuff he Come to my arms, my horny boy!
+ sought -- O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!"
+So rested he among the spree He cackled in his joy.
+And paused to smoke some pot.
+ 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
+ Did groove and trip out at the pad:
+ All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
+ And the Radcliffe undergrad.
+%
+ Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn
+how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay,
+you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'".
+ All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where
+their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
+ "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
+His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the
+room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
+ "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
+it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
+%
+"Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the
+opposite."
+ -- John Kenneth Galbraith
+%
+Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid
+or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth
+noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon.
+ -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
+%
+Vegetarians for oral sex -- "The only meat that's fit to eat"
+%
+Vidi, vici, veni.
+(I saw, I conquered, I came.)
+%
+Virgin, n.:
+ An ugly third grader.
+%
+War is menstruation envy.
+%
+"Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it."
+ -- W. C. Fields
+%
+We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
+%
+"We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at
+hand."
+ -- James Watt
+%
+We have reason to believe that man first
+walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
+ -- Lily Tomlin
+%
+"We should declare war on North Vietnam. We could pave the whole
+country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas."
+ -- Ronald Reagan
+%
+WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT. The MX is really
+[Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms-
+reduction talks with the Russians. See, we have a problem with the
+Russians. They look at our leaders and they see, for example, George
+Bush, who is really a fine and brave man but who happens to have this
+unfortunate physical characteristic whereby when he talks he sounds as
+though he just inhaled a helium party balloon. If he ever becomes
+President, the Russians will deliberately create nuclear crises just so
+they can gather around the Hot Line with refreshments and listen to
+George talk.
+ -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
+ Political Fallout"
+%
+Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator. Now, I had
+my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco. Surely
+you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another!
+%
+Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
+great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just
+felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at
+him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And this poor
+quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier
+than you." A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just
+bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE
+ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages
+to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the
+jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that
+was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice:
+"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, this
+elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down;
+picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
+orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
+The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says:
+"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so
+pissed."
+%
+What can you use used tampons for? Tea bags for vampires.
+%
+What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas?
+A Dan Quayle watch.
+%
+What is the difficulty with writing a PDP-8 program to emulate Jerry
+Ford?
+
+Figuring out what to do with the other 3K.
+%
+ "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
+didn't believe in God."
+ "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
+God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
+not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
+ -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
+%
+When God created man, She was only testing.
+%
+When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it.
+ -- Charles Merrill Smith
+%
+"When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that
+can't happen."
+ -- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
+%
+When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's
+rule of life: if you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it!
+%
+ When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her
+operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it
+would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't
+thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first
+patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
+%
+While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
+Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
+ She explained, "They are flat,
+ But think nothing of that --
+You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
+%
+"White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
+so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the
+time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair."
+%
+Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are
+horses?
+ -- G. Gordon Liddy
+%
+Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them
+then she isn't good enough for you.
+%
+Women Unite! Make *___\b\b\bhim* sleep in the wet spot tonight!
+%
+Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination
+ -- Graffito in a women's restroom
+%
+Women's Libbers are OK. I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
+%
+Would you mind terribly much if I asked you to take your silly-assed
+problem down the hall?
+%
+"Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left
+the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware."
+ -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
+%
+You always introduce the younger person to the older person, using the
+wording: "Miss Brown, I'd like to introduce you to an older person"
+(unless her name is not "Miss Brown"). If you do not know a person's
+age, ask for a driver's license and a major credit card. If you are
+introduced to a member of a minority group, use the "high-five" style
+handshake, followed by a remark designed to show you don't mind a bit,
+such as "I see you are a (name of a minority group)! Good!"
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
+%
+"You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but
+only for a limited period of time. Why should we think that collectively,
+as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?"
+ -- Ronald Reagan
+%
+You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an
+uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Since this is definitely a
+no-no, you:
+
+(a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid
+ motion, bury your forefinger in your nostril right up to the 4th
+ joint.
+
+(b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a prize
+ to the one who makes his nose bleed first.
+
+(c) Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to pick it up,
+ blow your nose on your sock.
+%
+You better believe that marijuana can cause castration. Just suppose
+your girlfriend gets the munchies!
+%
+You can lead a whore to Vasser, but you can't make her think.
+ -- Frederick B. Artz
+%
+You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't
+pick your friend's nose.
+%
+You can't underestimate the power of fear.
+ -- Tricia Nixon
+%
+You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to
+get back inside.
+ -- Heathcote Williams
+%
+You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January
+and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live
+there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You:
+
+(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your
+ name.
+
+(b) Ask what position she played.
+
+(c) Ask if she is still working the streets.
+%
+You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this
+proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your
+proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits
+into your coffee. You:
+
+(a) Tell him you take your coffee black.
+
+(b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.
+
+(c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a leak in his "In"
+ basket.
+%
+"You have to regard everything I say with suspicion -- I may be trying
+to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently."
+ -- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b
projects / unix-history / commitdiff