+Ink: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
+water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote
+intellectual crime.
+%% *** Fortune datafile 4 ***
+Kleptomaniac: A rich thief.
+%%
+Labor: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
+%%
+Once Law was sitting on the bench
+ And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
+"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
+ Nor come before me creeping.
+Upon you knees if you appear,
+'Tis plain you have no standing here."
+
+Then Justice came. His Honor cried:
+ "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
+"Amica curiae," she replied --
+ "Friend of the court, so please you."
+"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
+I never saw your face before!"
+%%
+Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission.
+%%
+Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as
+ quickly as one man.
+Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds;
+ therefore --
+Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
+%%
+Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence...
+%%
+Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism
+
+Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
+
+ The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from
+the works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the
+subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of
+human knowledge.
+%%
+Man: An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he
+is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
+occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
+which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
+the whole habitable earth and Canada.
+%%
+Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
+%%
+Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they
+are in the market.
+%%
+Molecule: The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is
+distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit
+of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate,
+indivisible unit of matter...The ion differs from the molecule, the
+corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion....
+%%
+Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
+the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with
+Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
+whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation....A
+fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
+more about the matter than the others.
+%%
+Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
+%%
+....It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it
+is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists
+have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of
+smell.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%%
+ In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the
+last resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened
+but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%%
+Pig: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by
+the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior
+in scope, for it balks at pig.
+%%
+Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
+ 1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
+ straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
+ force is technically termed "car suck").
+ 2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
+ than "Watch this!"
+%%
+Hofstadter's Law:
+ It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
+ Hofstadter's Law into account.
+%%
+"It is bad luck to be superstitious."
+ -- Andrew W. Mathis
+%%
+If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
+ -- Roy Santoro
+%%
+Main's Law:
+ For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
+%%
+"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
+%%
+Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
+ It's on the other side.
+%%
+Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
+ 1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad
+ check.
+ 2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
+ 3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
+ attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
+ attracted to dark objects.
+%%
+The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
+ -- Noelie Altito
+%%
+Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a
+larger object.
+%%
+If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
+in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
+qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
+ -- Marguerite Emmons
+%%
+Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
+%%
+The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
+stupidity of your action.
+%%
+Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
+ The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
+ to.....to........uh..............
+%%
+Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
+%%
+It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
+lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
+high as the eagle?
+%%
+If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
+memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin'
+it, even if they don't know what it means.
+%%
+If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
+On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is
+also a psychological interaction.
+The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so friendly.
+The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
+%%
+Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
+%%
+A penny saved is ridiculous.
+%%
+The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
+This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
+%%
+"You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
+proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
+%%
+If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
+%%
+It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark
+%%
+Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
+%%
+Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
+%%
+Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
+worse in Cleveland.
+%%
+As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
+is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
+%%
+Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
+be in owning a piece thereof.
+%%
+For a good time, call 642-9483
+%%
+\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\aAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!\a
+You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
+%%
+A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
+%%
+To be is to do.
+ -- I. Kant
+To do is to be.
+ -- A. Sartre
+Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
+ -- F. Flinstone
+%%
+God is Dead
+ -- Nietzsche
+Nietzsche is Dead
+ -- God
+Nietzsche is God
+ -- Dead
+%%
+Jesus Saves,
+Moses Invests,
+But only Buddha pays Dividends.
+%%
+Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality.
+%%
+Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so,
+ how many?
+%%
+Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
+%%
+!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
+%%
+You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
+%%
+May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
+%%
+Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
+%%
+If anything can go wrong, it will.
+%%
+How doth the little crocodile
+ Improve his shining tail,
+And pour the waters of the Nile
+ On every golden scale!
+
+How cheerfully he seems to grin,
+ How neatly spreads his claws,
+And welcomes little fishes in,
+ With gently smiling jaws!
+%%
+A very intelligent turtle
+Found programming UNIX a hurdle
+ The system, you see,
+ Ran as slow as did he,
+And that's not saying much for the turtle.
+%%
+This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need,
+please use the program "randchar". This program generates random
+characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with
+something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be
+more profound than THIS program has ever been.
+%%
+This fortune intentionally not included.
+%%
+Speak roughly to your little boy,
+ And beat him when he sneezes:
+He only does it to annoy
+ Because he knows it teases.
+
+ Wow! wow! wow!
+
+I speak severely to my boy,
+ And beat him when he sneezes:
+For he can thoroughly enjoy
+ The pepper when he pleases!
+
+ Wow! wow! wow!
+%%
+ "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
+that is -- 'Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
+more simply -- 'Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
+might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
+otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
+otherwise.'"
+%%
+Il brilgue: les t^\boves libricilleux
+ Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
+Enm^\bim'\bes sont les gougebosquex,
+ Et le m^\bomerade horgrave.
+%%
+Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
+ Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
+Und aller-m"\bumsige Burggoven
+ Dir mohmen R"\bath ausgraben.
+%%
+ "I don't know what you mean by 'glory,'" Alice said
+ Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't --
+till I tell you. I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'"
+ "But glory doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
+objected.
+ "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
+tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less."
+ "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
+so many different things."
+ "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master --
+that's all."
+%%
+Oh, when I was in love with you,
+ Then I was clean and brave,
+And miles around the wonder grew
+ How well did I behave.
+
+And now the fancy passes by,
+ And nothing will remain,
+And miles around they'll say that I
+ Am quite myself again.
+
+ -- A. E. Housman
+%%
+Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
+She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
+Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
+Silently scheming,
+Sightlessly seeking
+Some savage, spectacular suicide.
+
+ -- Stanislaw Lem
+%%
+Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic
+formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
+scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
+wholly unconcerned with what _\bd_\bo_\be_\bs exist. Indeed, the banality of
+existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
+discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
+problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
+mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all,
+one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
+different way......
+%%
+A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
+you will look forward to the trip.
+%%
+A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
+%%
+I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
+%%
+When Marriage is Outlawed,
+Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
+%%
+HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
+SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
+ -- Walt Kelley
+%%
+Look out! Behind you!\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a
+%%
+If all be true that I do think,
+There be Five Reasons why one should Drink;
+Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
+Or lest we should be by-and-by,
+Or any other reason why.
+%%
+It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
+ingenious.
+%%
+Finagle's third Law:
+ In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
+ beyond all need of checking, is the mistake
+Corollaries:
+ 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
+ 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
+ don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
+%%
+Finagle's fourth Law:
+ Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only
+ makes it worse.
+%%
+Ginsberg's Theorem:
+ 1. You can't win.
+ 2. You can't break even.
+ 3. You can't even quit the game.
+
+Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
+
+ Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
+ meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
+ Theorem. To wit:
+
+ 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
+ 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break
+ even.
+ 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the
+ game.
+%%
+Ehrman's Commentary:
+ 1. Things will get worse before they get better.
+ 2. Who said things would get better?
+%%
+Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
+Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
+%%
+Rule of Feline Frustration:
+ When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
+ content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
+ bathroom.
+%%
+Laws of Computer Programming:
+ 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
+ 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
+ 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
+ 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
+ 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
+ 6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its
+ output.
+ 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
+ the programmer who must maintain it.
+%%
+Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
+ Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
+ probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
+ some useful work done.
+%%
+Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
+ Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
+ vividly manifests their lack of progress.
+%%
+Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
+ There's always one more bug.
+%%
+Shaw's Principle:
+ Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
+ want to use it.
+%%
+Sattinger's Law:
+ It works better if you plug it in.
+%%
+Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
+ Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get
+ out.
+%%
+Law of Communications:
+ The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
+ between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
+ area of misunderstanding.
+%%
+Harris' Lament:
+ All the good ones are taken.
+%%
+If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
+ -- Harry S. Truman
+%%
+Law of Procrastination:
+ Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
+ there is nothing important to do.
+%%
+Wiker's Law:
+ Government expands to absorb all available revenue and then some.
+%%
+Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
+ The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
+ the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety
+ percent.
+%%
+Weinberg's First Law:
+ Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
+%%
+Weinberg's Second Law:
+ If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
+ then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy
+ civilization.
+%%
+Pardo's First Postulate:
+ Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
+
+Arnold's Addendum:
+ Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in
+ rats.
+%%
+Captain Penny's Law:
+ You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
+ the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
+%%
+Katz' Law:
+ Man and nations will act rationally when all other
+ possibilities have been exhausted.
+%%
+Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
+ Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
+ another drink.
+%%
+Hartley's First Law:
+ You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
+ on his back, you've got something.
+%%
+Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
+ No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
+ legislature is in session.
+%%
+Churchill's Commentary on Man:
+ Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
+ time he will pick himself up and continue on.
+%%
+Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
+ Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd
+ be out of a job.
+%%
+ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
+MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
+ door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
+%%
+If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
+you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%%
+ "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frodo in a quavering
+voice.
+ "No," Said Gandalf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
+course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
+I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
+Elven-lore:
+
+ "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
+ Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
+ Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
+ This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
+ The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
+ The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
+ If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
+ If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
+%%
+"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is
+because we are not the person involved"
+ -- Mark Twain
+%%
+We have met the enemy, and he is us.
+ -- Walt Kelly
+%%
+Who made the world I cannot tell;
+'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
+My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
+I never soiled with such a deed.
+
+ -- A. E. Housman
+%%
+Families, when a child is born
+Want it to be intelligent.
+I, through intelligence,
+Having wrecked my whole life,
+Only hope the baby will prove
+Ignorant and stupid.
+Then he will crown a tranquil life
+By becoming a Cabinet Minister
+
+ -- Su Tung-p'o
+%%
+Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
+Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
+in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
+moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine,
+a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
+respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
+it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
+then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
+chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine...
+ -- Stanislaw Lem
+%%
+When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
+stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
+from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
+were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
+corners as bodies of a lower grade....
+ -- Stanislaw Lem
+%%
+Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
+%%
+There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
+paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
+%%
+Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
+ 1.) If it should exist, it doesn't.
+ 2.) If it does exist, it's out of date.
+ 3.) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
+ first two laws.
+%%
+Probable-Possible, my black hen,
+She lays eggs in the Relative When.
+She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
+Because she's unable to postulate how.
+ -- Frederick Winsor
+%%
+Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off
+%%
+"Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm
+the only ashtray."
+%%
+Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
+ He must be a communist.
+And a beard and long hair,
+ Must be a pacifist.
+
+ What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
+
+ -- Arlo Guthrie
+%%
+Hand: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
+commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
+%%
+Wit: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
+by leaving it out.
+%%
+Keep you Eye on the Ball,
+Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
+Your Nose to the Grindstone,
+Your Feet on the Ground,
+Your Head on your Shoulders.
+Now....try to get something DONE!
+%%
+Love is a word that is constantly heard,
+Hate is a word that is not.
+Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
+Love, I have read, is hot.
+But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
+And Love but a drug on the mart.
+Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
+But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%%
+Magpie: A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone
+that it might be taught to talk.
+%%
+Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
+there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
+was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
+completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday....
+ -- Walt Kelly
+%%
+Democracy is also a form of worship.
+It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%%
+Peace: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
+periods of fighting.
+%%
+The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
+showed that all had these things in common:
+ 1) They all had moderate appetites.
+ 2) They all came from middle class homes
+ 3) All but two of them were dead.
+%%
+Fats Loves Madelyn
+%%
+Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on
+society.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%%
+We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best
+friends are trying to kill us.
+%%
+If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
+ -- Art Hoppe
+%%
+There's little in taking or giving,
+ There's little in water or wine:
+This living, this living, this living,
+ Was never a project of mine.
+Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
+ The gain of the one at the top,
+For art is a form of catharsis,
+ And love is a permanent flop,
+And work is the provence of cattle,
+ And rest's for a clam in a shell,
+So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
+ Would you kindly direct me to hell?
+
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%%
+The ladies men admire, I've heard,
+Would shudder at a wicked word.
+Their candle gives a single light;
+They'd rather stay at home at night.
+They do not keep awake till three,
+Nor read erotic poetry.
+They never sanction the impure,
+Nor recognize an overture.
+They shrink from powders and from paints...
+So far, I've had no complaints.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%%
+ THEORY
+Into love and out again,
+ Thus I went and thus I go.
+Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
+ Well and bitterly I know
+All the songs were ever sung,
+ All the words were ever said;
+Could it be, when I was young,
+ Someone dropped me on my head?
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%%
+My own dear love, he is strong and bold
+ And he cares not what comes after.
+His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
+ And his eyes are lit with laughter.
+He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
+ Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
+My own dear love, he is all my world --
+ And I wish I'd never met him.
+%%
+My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
+ And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
+The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
+ And the skies are sunlit for him.
+As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
+ As the fragrance of acacia.
+My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
+ And I wish he were in Asia.
+%%
+My love runs by like a day in June,
+ And he makes no friends of sorrows.
+He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
+ In the pathway or the morrows.
+He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
+ Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
+My own dear love, he is all my heart --
+ And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
+%%
+If I don't drive around the park,
+I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
+If I'm in bed each night by ten,
+I may get back my looks again.
+If I abstain from fun and such,
+I'll probably amount to much;
+But I shall stay the way I am,
+Because I do not give a damn.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%%
+The Abrams' Principle:
+ The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
+%%
+"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
+%%
+Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known
+as Wheels.
+%%
+Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
+%%
+You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
+%%
+Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying
+himself a pleasure.
+%%
+Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who
+have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that
+they cannot separately plunder a third.
+%%
+Ambidextrous: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket
+or a left.
+%%
+God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
+%%
+Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of
+weather we are having.
+%%
+Birth: The first and direst of all disasters.
+%%
+Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
+%%
+Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise
+as a man's head.
+%%
+Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
+"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%%
+Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed.
+%%
+Deliberation: The act of examining one's bread to determine
+which side it is buttered on.
+%%
+While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
+safe, for you can watch both of his.
+%%
+Garter: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of
+her stockings and desolating the country.
+%%
+Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
+%%
+Hippogriff: An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half
+griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and
+half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter
+eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of
+zoology is full of surprises.
+%%
+There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
+and praiseworthy...
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%%
+Please ignore previous fortune.
+%%
+Interpreter: One who enables two persons of different languages to
+understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
+the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
+%%
+Are we not men?
+%%
+Please take note:
+%%
+"It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either."
+ -- Kevin White, mayor of Boston
+%%
+Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
+Violators will be prosecuted.
+(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
+%%
+The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
+The goal of nature is to build better mice.
+%%
+Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why
+you should.
+%%
+United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas
+season was mared by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military
+forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of
+every persuasion.
+ Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the
+world.
+ -- Isaac Asimov
+%%
+Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made
+sense from things she found in gift shops.
+ -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
+%%
+Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for
+word what you shouldn't have said.
+%%
+Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was
+in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
+%%
+If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
+%%
+Who needs companionship when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
+%%
+Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
+Let me clue you in;
+I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him.
+The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
+The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser. The cool Brutus
+Gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes;
+If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
+And, like, old Caeser really set them straight.
+Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
+So are they all, all cool cats, --
+Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down.
+%%
+Now I lay me down to sleep
+I pray the double lock will keep;
+May no brick through the window break,
+And, no one rob me till I awake.
+%%
+Did you know....
+
+That no-one ever reads these things?
+%%
+Hark,Hark,the dogs do bark
+The Duke is fond of kittens
+He likes to take their insides out
+And use them for his mittens
+ From "The thirteen clocks"
+%%
+An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
+%%
+f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
+%%
+A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard
+ -- Prof. Steiner
+%%
+"I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem."
+ -- Ashleigh Brilliant
+%%
+"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."
+ -- Ashleigh Brilliant
+%%
+Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
+guarantee of eventual success.
+%%
+"Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
+Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
+were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST..."
+%%
+ ... But among the children of the Great Society there were those
+whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, and of
+the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat...
+ Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
+they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
+people go to the front of the bus."
+ But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
+deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove
+yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
+unto a snowball in Hell."
+%%
+NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
+%%
+$3,000,000
+%%
+It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.
+%%
+77. HO HUM -- The Redundant
+
+------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
+--- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife
+------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. you are working
+---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop
+---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates
+--- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex.
+
+Nine in the second place means:
+ The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune.
+
+Six in the third place means:
+ In former times men built altars to honor the Internal
+ Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
+%%
+Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name
+correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
+(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but
+Americans call him by value.
+%%
+The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
+increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
+%%
+If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
+you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
+ice, but no cup.
+%%
+Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
+%%
+Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
+%%
+Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
+%%
+Those who can't write, write manuals.
+%%
+Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit! Just type
+in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving
+the room is punishable under law:
+
+Name #
+%%
+You might have mail
+%%
+Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
+%%
+Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
+%%
+Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
+%%
+A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
+%%
+Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
+%%
+Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only
+take a bath...
+%%
+"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both
+eyes..."
+%%
+It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
+flag.
+%%
+Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
+avoid responsibility with?
+%%
+SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
+POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
+%%
+The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
+average man can see better than he can think.
+%%
+The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child,
+was propounded to me by my father:
+ "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?"
+ I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
+gave up.
+ "A herring," said my father.
+ "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
+ "So hang it there."
+ "But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
+ "Paint it."
+ "But a herring isn't wet."
+ "If its just painted its still wet."
+ "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
+doesn't whistle!!"
+ "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it hard."
+ -- Leo Rosten
+%%
+"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."
+ -- Yiddish saying
+%%
+Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
+1st customer: "I'll have tea."
+2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
+ (Waiter exits, returns)
+Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
+%%
+ On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
+receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
+income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
+$283 on the desk before the cashier.
+ "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
+route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
+ "Well, after three days on that cockamany route, I figured
+business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
+worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
+%%
+The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz
+said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
+ "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
+ "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
+%%
+Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
+people.
+ -- W.C. Fields
+%%
+There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale
+returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
+ --Mark Twain
+%%
+This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
+%%
+Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.
+%%
+Beware of low-flying butterflies.
+%%
+Green light in A.M. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic
+tickets.
+%%
+Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
+%%
+Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
+%%
+Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a
+thing he tells you.
+%%
+Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.
+%%
+You may be recognized soon. Hide.
+%%
+You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot
+today.
+%%
+Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
+%%
+Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
+%%
+You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the
+first and last month in advance.
+%%
+Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
+%%
+You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
+%%
+Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
+%%
+Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
+%%
+Don't feed the bats tonight.
+%%
+Stay away from flying saucers today.
+%%
+You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
+%%
+Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
+%%
+Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
+%%
+Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
+%%
+Half Moon tonight. (At least its better than no Moon at all.)
+%%
+Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
+%%
+Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
+%%
+Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
+%%
+Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
+%%
+Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so
+get used to it.
+%%
+Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
+%%
+Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
+%%
+Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
+%%
+You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a
+senior executive.
+%%
+Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
+%%
+Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
+%%
+Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the
+computer crashes.
+%%
+Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
+%%
+Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving
+to a new town.
+%%
+If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens
+tomorrow!
+%%
+Excellent day to have a rotten day.
+%%
+You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough
+to worry.
+%%
+Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
+%%
+Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your
+nails.
+%%
+Tonights the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus trees.
+%%
+A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
+%%
+Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as
+they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out
+a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
+%%
+Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the
+misery of another.
+%%
+Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
+they charge fifteen cents for them.
+%%
+Question:
+Man Invented Alcohol,
+God Invented Grass.
+Who do you trust?
+%%
+The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
+in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
+%%
+You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
+%%
+Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
+otherwise require harder thinking.
+ ---Jerome Lettvin
+%%
+Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop
+writing.
+ -- R. Geis
+%%
+Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to
+criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
+ -- D. J. Hicks
+%%
+The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
+none of my business but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
+Don't use excessive force in supplying such moron with a period.
+Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
+talked about.
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%%
+What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
+ -- Peter S. Beagle
+%%
+If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
+%%
+According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
+totally worthless.
+%%
+Wasting time is an important part of living.
+%%
+Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders has
+been discontinued.
+%%
+I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.
+%%
+Tonights the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus trees.
+%%
+Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler.
+%%
+Excellent time to become a missing person.
+%%
+A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
+%%
+Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
+%%
+Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
+%%
+Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.
+%%
+Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
+%%
+Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
+%%
+Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
+%%
+Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
+%%
+You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
+%%
+Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
+in eucalyptus trees.
+%%
+Surprise due today. Also the rent.
+%%
+Avoid reality at all costs.
+%%
+Good day to let down old friends who need help.
+%%
+Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't
+have a lucky day this year.
+%%
+You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
+this sort of trash.
+%%
+What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
+%%
+Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
+%%
+Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
+%%
+Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
+%%
+A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
+Avoid him. He's a Commie.
+%%
+ The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood
+as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.
+The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in
+the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in
+twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive.
+
+ Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
+everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a
+fierce host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one
+-- and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
+
+ "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
+
+ Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
+
+ From "The Swords of Lankhmar", By "Fritz Leiber"
+%%
+I really hate this damned machine
+I wish that they would sell it.
+It never does quite what I want
+But only what I tell it.
+%%
+Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
+%%
+Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
+%%
+Nihilism should commence with oneself.
+%%
+Vote anarchist
+%%
+I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
+%%
+Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
+%%
+Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
+%%
+Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
+%%
+UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
+%%
+In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
+will be temporarily cancelled.
+%%
+Drive defensively, buy a tank.
+%%
+Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
+for a dial tone.
+%%
+The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
+%%
+Condense soup, not books!
+%%
+The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!
+%%
+Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
+exciting Camden, New Jersy.
+%%
+Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
+%%
+Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
+%%
+Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
+%%
+Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
+%%
+Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
+%%
+Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
+%%
+What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
+%%
+Hire the morally handicapped.
+%%
+I can resist anything but temptation.
+%%
+Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
+%%
+Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
+%%
+Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
+%%
+Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
+%%
+Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of
+ Western Civilization?
+Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
+%%
+Xerox never comes up with anything original.
+%%
+Acid -- better living through chemistry.
+%%
+"All flesh is grass"
+ -- Isiah
+Smoke a friend today.
+%%
+"You'll never be the man your mother was!"
+%%
+George Orwell was an optimist.
+%%
+Chicken Little was right.
+%%
+"Qvid me anxivs svm?"
+%%
+Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
+%%
+Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
+%%
+Dallas still lives. God _\bm_\bu_\bs_\bt be dead.
+%%
+Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
+%%
+They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
+%%
+Hail to the sun god
+He sure is a fun god
+Ra! Ra! Ra!
+%%
+Brain fried -- Core dumped
+%%
+Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
+%%
+Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
+%%
+If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands.
+%%
+What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
+%%
+Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
+%%
+A closed mouth gathers no foot.
+%%
+A diva who specializes in risqu'\be arias is an off-coloratura soprano...
+%%
+Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?
+A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
+%%
+Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
+ Salvador Hardin
+%%
+"Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new
+Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process..."
+%%
+"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned
+away from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission;
+or someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
+%%
+If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
+%%
+Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
+%%
+Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
+%%
+Down with categeorical imperative!
+%%
+Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
+%%
+Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
+%%
+Things are more like they used to be than they are new.
+%%
+Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
+%%
+Lysistrata had a good idea.
+%%
+Reality is an obstacle to halucination.
+%%
+Paul Revere was a tattle-tale
+%%
+Familiarity breeds attempt
+%%
+Coronation: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
+visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite
+bomb.
+%%
+Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
+%%
+Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
+walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They
+then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
+health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
+not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find
+only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
+others who have tried it.
+%%
+Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
+affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
+%%
+Honorable: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
+bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the
+honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
+%%
+Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
+%%
+God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days
+and then pulled an all-nighter.
+%%
+God is a polythiest
+%%
+God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
+%%
+If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
+%%
+ "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
+asked the father of his little son.
+ "Diet."
+%%
+Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
+ourselves.
+%%
+Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as
+they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out
+a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
+%%
+Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
+%%
+"Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you
+out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles."
+%%
+Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes
+to work.
+%%
+"That must be wonderful! I dont understand it at all."
+%%
+The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
+at the steam fitters picnic.
+%%
+As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
+certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
+ --Einstein
+%%
+Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
+otherwise require harder thinking.
+ --Jerome Lettvin
+%%
+Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
+ -- R. Geis
+%%
+ "Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might
+be, and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's
+logic!"
+ -- Lewis Carroll
+%%
+It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
+ -- Hawkwind
+%%
+The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
+%%
+There was a young poet named Dan,
+Whose poetry never would scan.
+ When told this was so,
+ He said, "Yes, I know.
+It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
+%%
+A limerick packs laughs anatomical
+Into space that is quite economical.
+ But the good ones I've seen
+ So seldom are clean,
+And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
+%%
+"We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company."
+%%
+"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
+President's and Kings to the scum of the earth..."
+%%
+"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"
+ -- Lily Tomlin
+%%
+God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's
+%%
+"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%%
+If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied
+harder.
+ -- Pope John Paul I
+%%
+There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
+what it is I'll get married again.
+ -- Clint Eastwood
+%%
+Flappity, floppity, flip
+The mouse on the m"\bobius strip;
+ The strip revolved,
+ The mouse dissolved
+In a chronodimensional skip.
+%%
+...And malt does more than Milton can
+to justify God's ways to man
+ -- A.E. Housman
+%%
+WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
+
+ Oh, dear, where can the matter be
+ When it's converted to energy?
+ There is a slight loss of parity.
+ Johnny's so long at the fair.
+%%
+PLUNDERER'S THEME
+(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
+
+Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
+If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
+Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
+Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
+%% Some stuff from MIT, via Doug Tygar.
+IBM had a PL/I,
+ Its syntax worse than JOSS;
+And everywhere this language went,
+ It was a total loss.
+%%
+System/3! System/3!
+See how it runs! See how it runs!
+ Its monitor loses so totally!
+ It runs all its programs in RPG!
+ It's made by our favorite monopoly!
+System/3!
+%%
+As I was passing Project MAC,
+I met a Quux with seven hacks.
+Every hack had seven bugs;
+Every bug had seven manifestations;
+Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
+Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
+How many losses at Project MAC?
+%%
+Reclaimer, spare that tree!
+Take not a single bit!
+It used to point to me,
+Now I'm protecting it.
+It was the reader's CONS
+That made it, paired by dot;
+Now, GC, for the nonce,
+Thou shalt reclaim it not.
+%%
+99 blocks of crud on the disk,
+99 blocks of crud!
+You patch a bug, and dump it again:
+100 blocks of crud on the disk!
+
+100 blocks of crud on the disk,
+100 blocks of crud!
+You patch a bug, and dump it again:
+101 blocks of crud on the disk!...
+%%
+'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
+Did gyre and gimble in their cave
+All mimsy was the CS-VAX
+And Cory raths outgrave.
+
+"Beware the software rot, my son!
+The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
+Beware the broken pipe, and shun
+The frumious system crash!"
+%%
+Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied:
+ You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat.
+ You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los
+ Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly
+ the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there.
+ The only difference is that there is no cat.
+%%
+THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES
+ The one who has the gold makes the rules.
+%%
+If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances
+are 50-50 it will.
+%%
+ "A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on
+the basis of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an
+infinite series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric
+precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from
+inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical
+accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality
+for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly
+defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the
+information in the first place."
+
+ -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine
+%%
+A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive
+%%
+Accident: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
+body is better.
+ -- Foolish Dictionary
+%%
+Accordion: A bagpipe with pleats.
+%%
+Accuracy: The vice of being right
+%%
+"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from
+coughing."
+%%
+Adolescence: The stage between puberty and adultery.
+%%
+Adult: One old enough to know better.
+%%
+Advertisement: The most truthful part of a newspaper
+ -- Thomas Jefferson
+%%
+Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
+example.
+ -- La Rouchefoucauld
+%%
+Afternoon: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted
+the morning.
+%%
+Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
+them keeps paying for it.
+ -- Peggy Joyce
+%%
+Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
+ -- Charlie McCarthy
+%%
+America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
+to decadence without touching civilization.
+ -- John O'Hara
+%%
+"An American is a man with two arms and four wheels".
+ -- A Chinese child
+%%
+Antonym: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
+%%
+Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your
+shoes.
+ -- Mickey Mouse
+%%
+Ass: The masculine of "lass".
+%%
+Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
+pedestrians.
+%%
+A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
+responsibility at the other.
+%%
+A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman
+out of a divorce.
+ -- Don Quinn
+%%
+A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
+and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%%
+Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
+%%
+Broad-mindedness: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
+%%
+A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
+as afterward.
+%%
+California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
+ -- Fred Allen
+%%
+A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
+poor to protect them from each other.
+%%
+Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every
+effort to teach them good manners.
+%%
+Christ: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
+%%
+Cigarette: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of
+tobacco in between.
+%%
+A city is a large community where people are lonesome together
+ -- Herbert Prochnow
+%%
+"The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live
+elsewhere."
+%%
+Collaboration: A literary partnership based on the false assumption
+that the other fellow can spell.
+%%
+College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
+faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
+the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms,
+legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
+loss to humanity.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%%
+Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%%
+Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching
+his breath is called the listener.
+%%
+"Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth
+Corner, Vermont."
+ -- Clarence Darrow
+%%
+The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to
+eat.
+ -- John McNulty
+%%
+Cynic: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
+%%
+Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
+incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
+ -- G. B. Shaw
+%%
+Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
+aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
+ -- Senator Soaper
+%%
+Die: To stop sinning suddenly.
+ -- Elbert Hubbard
+%%
+Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
+%%
+A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a
+fur coat.
+%%
+Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
+of being a damned fool.
+ -- Bellamy Brooks
+%%
+Electrocution: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
+%%
+Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a
+mistake when you make it again.
+ -- F. P. Jones
+%%
+"It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an
+hour!"
+ -- Macy's
+%%
+Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
+%%
+Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
+without looking to see whether the seeds move.
+%%
+Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
+every six months.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%%
+We wish you a Hare Krishna
+We wish you a Hare Krishna
+We wish you a Hare Krishna
+And a Sun Myung Moon!
+
+ --Maxwell Smart
+%%
+If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
+%%
+There was a young lady from Hyde
+Who ate a green apple and died.
+ While her lover lamented
+ The apple fermented
+And made cider inside her inside.
+%%
+If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
+As Dame Fortune did intend,
+Murphy would be there to tell me
+The pot's at the other end.
+ -- Bert Whitney
+%%
+Silverman's Law:
+ If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will
+%%
+Hindsight is an exact science.
+%%
+Ducharme's Precept:
+ Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment
+%%
+If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
+%%
+Naeser's Law:
+ You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
+ damnfoolproof.
+%%
+If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If
+the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the
+bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will
+exceed all expectations.
+ -- Reverend Chichester
+%%
+The Third Law of Photography:
+ If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
+ when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
+ the dark leaks out.
+%%
+Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
+ If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
+ it wasn't worth doing.
+%%
+Conway's Law:
+ In any organization there will always be one person who knows
+ what is going on.
+
+ This person must be fired.
+%%
+It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
+%%
+Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
+give it back to them.
+%%
+There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be
+doing.
+%%
+Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
+mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
+Boss is reading it.
+%%
+Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
+from where you left them to where you can't find them.
+%%
+DeVries' Dilemma:
+ If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
+ hits the paper.
+%%
+When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
+%%
+Finagle's Creed:
+ Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
+%%
+Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
+ 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only
+ once.
+ 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data
+ points.
+%%
+Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
+ Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
+ reject the proposal.
+%%
+Jones' First Law:
+ Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
+ endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
+ obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
+ importance of their original contribution.
+%%
+Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming
+ Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
+ handle.
+%%
+When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you
+modify the problem, not the remedy.
+%%
+Horngren's Observation:
+ Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
+%%
+First Rule of History:
+ History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each
+ other.
+%%
+Hanlon's Razor:
+ Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
+ stupidity.
+%%
+Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
+ The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
+ instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
+Corollary:
+ Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except
+ study for that instructor's course.
+%%
+Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
+ If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
+Corollary:
+ If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you
+ live.
+%%
+Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
+knows what it is.
+%%
+Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
+%%
+Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the
+price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
+means the price went way up.
+%%
+McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
+ If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not
+ $19.95.
+%%
+Van Roy's Law:
+ An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
+%%
+How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're
+on.
+%%
+Arthur's Laws of Love:
+ 1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
+ remind them of someone else.
+ 2. The lover letter you finally got the courage to send will
+ be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool
+ of yourself in person.
+%%
+Colvard's Logical Premises:
+ All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or
+ it won't.
+Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
+ This is especially true when dealing with someone you're
+ attracted to.
+Grelb's Commentary
+ Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
+%%
+Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
+ Superiority is recessive.
+%%
+Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too
+busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
+%%
+Ducharm's Axiom:
+ If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
+ yourself as part of the problem.
+%%
+ "The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out."
+Computer Translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak"
+%%
+A Law of Computer Programming:
+ Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you
+ will find the programmers cannot write in English.
+%%
+Turnaucka's Law:
+ The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
+ electrical cord.
+%%
+One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they
+never have to stop and answer the phone.
+%%
+Bradley's Bromide:
+ If computers get too pwerfule, we can orgranize them into a
+ committee -- that will do them in.
+%%
+At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
+find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
+the computer.
+%%
+If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But
+this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
+somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
+%%
+Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address.
+%%
+Eleanor Rigby
+Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen
+Lives in a dream
+Waits for a signal, finding some code that will make the machine do some more.
+What is it for?
+All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
+All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
+%%
+The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant becasue
+it isn't here.
+ -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
+%%
+Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%%
+Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%%
+Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
+ -- Adlai Stevenson
+%%
+A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
+in students.
+ -- John Ciardi
+%%
+The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided
+by the number of people in the group.
+%%
+Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
+ -- Jules de Gaultier
+%%
+Ingrate: A man who bites, the hand that feeds him, and then complains
+of indigestion.
+%%
+Justice: A decision in your favor.
+%%
+Kin: An affliction of the blood
+%%
+Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered
+to date.
+%%
+Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the
+world has ever seen.
+%%
+Lunatic Asylum: The place where optimism most flourishes.
+%%
+Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
+%%
+Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%%
+Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called
+upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%%
+Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of
+%%
+"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
+with a large fortune."
+%%
+Noncombatant: A dead Quaker.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%%
+The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
+poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
+bread.
+ -- Anatole France
+%%
+BLISS is ignorance
+%%
+Hi! How are things going?
+ (just fine, thank you...)
+Great! Say, could I bother you for a question?
+ (you just asked one...)
+Well, how about one more?
+ (one more than the first one?)
+Yes.
+ (you already asked that...)
+
+[at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ]
+May I ask two questions, sir?
+ (no.)
+May I ask ONE then?
+ (nope...)
+Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question?
+ (yes, you may.)
+Sir, how may I ask you a question?
+ (you must ask for retroactive question asking priveleges for
+ the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that
+ number plus two {one for the current question, and one for the
+ next one)
+Sir, may I ask nine questions?
+ (go right ahead...)
+%%
+MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
+
+ Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers
+2 cups water 2 cups sugar
+2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespools lemon juice
+ Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine
+ Cinnamon
+
+Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break
+RITZ Crackers coarsley into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar
+and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon
+juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
+with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top
+crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let
+steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
+is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
+
+ -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
+%%
+God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh
+%%
+The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development:
+ To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
+ program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
+ one, and convert to the next higher units.
+%%
+Predestination was doomed from the start.
+%%
+Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a
+dark side, and it holds the universe together....
+ -- Carl Zwanzig
+
+%%
+Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
+%%
+The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed.
+%%
+On a clear disk you can seek forever.
+%%
+Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
+ -- Voltaire
+%%
+Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
+ -- Mae West.
+%%
+Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
+%%
+When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to
+guarantee them.
+%%
+What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us is that they think
+themselves cleverer than we are.
+%%
+Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy
+%%
+Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
+%%
+There's one fool at least in every married couple.
+%%
+There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
+%%
+"The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my
+tongue."
+%%
+People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking
+advantage of them.
+%%
+Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing
+to go through hell to get it.
+%%
+Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
+%%
+Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
+%%
+Love is sentimental measles.
+%%
+Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find
+there is nothing in it.
+%%
+If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you
+really make them think they'll hate you.
+%%
+I never fail to convice an audience that the best thing they could do
+was to go away.
+%%
+If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are
+headed.
+%%
+"All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us
+sane."
projects / unix-history / commitdiff